How to react when you are the only one reaching out to get together

[NuevoYorko]

1 hour ago, roses20 said:

 I don't find myself to be clingy, we never talk outside of our meetings.

Maybe not "clingy" exactly, but it would be off-putting to many people to be the ONLY friend in somebody's life, when they only see that friend one time per month and don't even talk in between.  It would feel weird for me, that's for sure, and I would move on from that situation.

1 hour ago, roses20 said:

And we only see each other once a month. I don't see how is that clingy. And when we met, we would also plan trips together, so it's not like we were 2 strangers and I was clinging to her.

Did you actually go on any trips together?   

[roses20]

27 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

Maybe not "clingy" exactly, but it would be off-putting to many people to be the ONLY friend in somebody's life, when they only see that friend one time per month and don't even talk in between.  It would feel weird for me, that's for sure, and I would move on from that situation.

Did you actually go on any trips together?   

Yes, we did actually go on the trips we planned. Don't see why this question

And I was her only friend too, we were both in the same situation. Only later she found other friends. I don't understand why we should reject people because they only have 1 friend..because from what you are saying, it's like you're judging people who only have 1 friend. Sometimes life gets tough. Not all of us have many friends all the time and it's not easy, we try to live like this for a while until we expand our circle. Really makes me feel.uncomfortable what you are saying. In the past I also had a friend that only had me as a friend and I never thought of her as "ew, she only has me, must get away". Honestly...where is the compassion... I asked for perspective, not to be shamed because I am a human being going through a lonelier period

[stillafool]

49 minutes ago, roses20 said:

I don't understand why we should reject people because they only have 1 friend..because from what you are saying, it's like you're judging people who only have 1 friend. Sometimes life gets tough. Not all of us have many friends all the time and it's not easy, we try to live like this for a while until we expand our circle. Really makes me feel.uncomfortable what you are saying. In the past I also had a friend that only had me as a friend and I never thought of her as "ew, she only has me, must get away". Honestly...where is the compassion... I asked for perspective, not to be shamed because I am a human being going through a lonelier period

I don't read where anyone gave the impression to reject those that have only 1 friend.  You mentioned having ended your relationship with some of your best friends who wanted to get together with you every weekend; because they were upset  that you were making friends with new people.  Yet you are upset with this girl for having this new set of friends that she enjoys.

[roses20]

30 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I don't read where anyone gave the impression to reject those that have only 1 friend.  You mentioned having ended your relationship with some of your best friends who wanted to get together with you every weekend; because they were upset  that you were making friends with new people.  Yet you are upset with this girl for having this new set of friends that she enjoys.

No, I was hurt that I am always the one reaching out , that is the title of the topic, that is the main issue that has been going on. The new friends is just recent. 

After all the replies I got, I can put things in a different perspective and just let these thoughts go and see where this friendship goes from now on. 

 

[NuevoYorko]

8 hours ago, roses20 said:

Yes, we did actually go on the trips we planned. Don't see why this question

Because the situation you described:   you would be in contact and then get together only one time per month, does not sound like a deep friendship would have had enough continuity to develop.   If you actually have traveled together, that paints a whole different picture than only contacting and going for a walk once a month.

Quote

And I was her only friend too, we were both in the same situation. Only later she found other friends. I don't understand why we should reject people because they only have 1 friend..because from what you are saying, it's like you're judging people who only have 1 friend. Sometimes life gets tough. Not all of us have many friends all the time and it's not easy, we try to live like this for a while until we expand our circle. Really makes me feel.uncomfortable what you are saying. In the past I also had a friend that only had me as a friend and I never thought of her as "ew, she only has me, must get away". Honestly...where is the compassion... I asked for perspective, not to be shamed because I am a human being going through a lonelier period

I truly don't care if you only have one friend, or dozens of friends.  What is important is that the friendship(s) that any of us have are meaningful and fulfilling.  

Generally, having only one friend is not really ideal; that puts a tremendous amount of weight on that relationship and none of us can realistically rely upon only one other human to meet all of our needs.    That includes a spouse.  Anyway, no shame in having only one friend but I think it would be a good idea to expand that circle at least a bit.   

[Andy_K]

On 6/4/2023 at 9:34 PM, roses20 said:

What motivates me to continue the friendship is that I feel relaxed and recharged when we go out. I don't know about other people, but I don't feel good in the company of anyone, for me it takes more to feel good in someone's presence and be able to unwind and not go home drained.

I can really relate to this. The vast majority of people I ever spend time with, I find the process draining/tiring and can only handle it for so long. I put this down to just being my natural tendency towards introversion, but there are a very small, rare subset of people with whom I feel the opposite. Because this is so rare, it's a pretty big deal to me, and those people are likely to stick in my mind more and be prioritised

However.... that doesn't mean that it's the same for them. In this case, you're not as high on her priority list as she is on yours. That doesn't mean she doesn't care about you or value you as a friend (she likely would not have spent so much time with you otherwise), but do understand that you need other things going on in your life. Other friends or activities. It's natural for some friendships to wax and wane over time. All you can really do is try to be a genuine friend to those who are important to you. So ask yourself this: If you were genuinely considering her needs as a friend right now rather than your own, what would you do? Would you still continue to play this passive aggressive waiting game?

If you want answers, ask her. But make sure you're doing it from a place of curiousity/compassion rather than frustration.

[roses20]

38 minutes ago, Andy_K said:

I can really relate to this. The vast majority of people I ever spend time with, I find the process draining/tiring and can only handle it for so long. I put this down to just being my natural tendency towards introversion, but there are a very small, rare subset of people with whom I feel the opposite. Because this is so rare, it's a pretty big deal to me, and those people are likely to stick in my mind more and be prioritised

However.... that doesn't mean that it's the same for them. In this case, you're not as high on her priority list as she is on yours. That doesn't mean she doesn't care about you or value you as a friend (she likely would not have spent so much time with you otherwise), but do understand that you need other things going on in your life. Other friends or activities. It's natural for some friendships to wax and wane over time. All you can really do is try to be a genuine friend to those who are important to you. So ask yourself this: If you were genuinely considering her needs as a friend right now rather than your own, what would you do? Would you still continue to play this passive aggressive waiting game?

If you want answers, ask her. But make sure you're doing it from a place of curiousity/compassion rather than frustration.

I think people including you have given me valid reasons regarding my question . I am just not a priority to her as she is to me (as you said, when I feel good with someone, being so rare, I value them more). 

I wish English was my native language, because it is hard to convey what I want to say. But it is not passive aggresive waiting, it's just that if I reach out again, then the cycle will continue and as someone said here, maybe she believes this is the setup and only waits for me to reach out. And I don't feel good doing that anymore, for the moment at least. And also if she doesn't view me as a priority, then maybe I am asking her out too many times and maybe she needs less (as you said if I were to think of her needs). Because it is clear to me now after the input I received, that she doesn't feel the need to see me as often as 1 time per month. Otherwise she would have also initiated something in return. And I am starting to get accustomed to the idea. 

[Andy_K]

I'd be wary of making assumptions. If you're settled into a pattern it's just as likely she will think something is wrong if you change that pattern, rather than naturally being inclined to invite you to something instead.

You're going to need to communicate. Invite her out for something just like you usually would. Talk about the last place you went. Talk about the next place you'll go. Either raise your concerns directly, or ask her to let you know when she wants to do it. If you want her to initiate, you need to make it clear one way or another that you're expecting more input from her. Then you can see what happens and draw some conclusions.

[roses20]

12 minutes ago, Andy_K said:

I'd be wary of making assumptions. If you're settled into a pattern it's just as likely she will think something is wrong if you change that pattern, rather than naturally being inclined to invite you to something instead.

You're going to need to communicate. Invite her out for something just like you usually would. Talk about the last place you went. Talk about the next place you'll go. Either raise your concerns directly, or ask her to let you know when she wants to do it. If you want her to initiate, you need to make it clear one way or another that you're expecting more input from her. Then you can see what happens and draw some conclusions.

That's the thing... I didn't even think that they may be a pattern until someone said it here, that "maybe" that is the setup. I never thought about such a thing. Because it should not be a pattern, how can someone think to themselves "well, only she needs to invite me out, I don't do that". Because I don't see any other logical reason for someone to not feel the need to see their friend.

And the tricky part is it's weird to say to someone that you need them to also initiate, because most people don't like being told these things. And maybe I would make the situation worse. 

I don't understand where the suggestion that it should be still me to invite her again, despite her never reaching out. It's like I am begging for her time. At least this is how someone feels when they are the only one reaching out. It's like you put the other person on a pedestal because they never make efforts for you. 

[Andy_K]

Let me put it this way. If you had a friend who invited you out to watch a football game every other Saturday for years, and then one week they didn't, would you think it was because they thought it was your turn? No, you'd think it was because something happened to them, or you upset them, or something else was wrong. And you might be uncomfortable reaching out and asking why. 

[roses20]

11 minutes ago, Andy_K said:

Let me put it this way. If you had a friend who invited you out to watch a football game every other Saturday for years, and then one week they didn't, would you think it was because they thought it was your turn? No, you'd think it was because something happened to them, or you upset them, or something else was wrong. And you might be uncomfortable reaching out and asking why. 

I get what you mean, but for us it was once a month. And what about why the other person never invites them out too? why is that not a question? I don't understand since when being someone who does not put effort is being considered as good and the other person should do all the work without regards to their feelings. Because this is how I am feeling and it baffles me. I guess I should also be cold and detached and not make friends feel important to me, that way I guess people will agree, because it seems I am the one being put in a corner in this. I don't know how to explain this, I feel I am overexplaining anyway. My needs are unimportant it seems, let's focus on the other person's needs who clearly are not that they want to see me. But let's put effort again and disregard how I am feeling, cause it seems it's not enough that I make the effort, I also need to be ashamed that I am experiencing this. 

I am sorry but this topic made me feel even worse now. It seems that people like to make someone who is hurting feel even worse by dismissing their needs, and focus on the other person in question, because clearly someone whose actions indicate you are not important to them is the one who we should think about. 

[Wiseman2]

18 hours ago, roses20 said:

 I was hurt that I am always the one reaching out , 

What practical solutions are there for you? You could either step back and see if she reaches out, or reach out if you would like to get together.  In the meantime you could reflect on the relationship and evaluate if you've grown apart or if you still want to be friends.

[roses20]

14 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

What practical solutions are there for you? You could either step back and see if she reaches out, or reach out if you would like to get together.  In the meantime you could reflect on the relationship and evaluate if you've grown apart or if you still want to be friends.

Well yes, these are the only options. I just found this advice on Quora on a similar subject that I resonate with, I'll leave it below. I resonate with this, friendships should not be one sided.

"There is nothing wrong with the action of reaching out. It is the feeling you are having that troubles you. You may be fearful that you are not wanted, simply because you don't want to wait.

If you wait for others to reach out to you it is uncomfortable. You have to sit with the fear, the possibility that it will never happen, but then you reach out and never know what would have happened if you had waited.

This is precisely what you have to do. You need to learn to wait. It is the only way to see who will show up in your life and seek you out. However, you do not wait around moping about it. You seek out activities that you would enjoy either alone or with other friends or new friends."

Edited June 6, 2023 by roses20

[Alpacalia]

Agree to not make assumptions about what she is thinking, feeling, and intending. You're assuming you know the whole story. And assuming that your perspective is the only valid one.

A long-time female friend told me to reach out more often. I didn't realize she felt that way and was fine with just talking between hangouts. I was there for her in other ways. So I felt like I was doing enough. Checking in, initiating phone calls, might have been more concrete gestures for her.

Your friend might have different needs for communication and support. She may require more tangible gestures of support, while you might need more regular communication.

In my experience, you don't need friends. You love them. You don't need friends in the sense that your life wouldn't be significantly worse if you didn't have them, but you certainly need to love them.

You've ended relationships with some of your best friends who wanted to hang out every weekend because they were upset that you were making friends with other people, yet you're upset with this girl for making a new group of friends that she enjoys.

Have you considered how drastic it is of you to end many of your relationships with your best friends merely due to your new friendships? And now that your friend has her own new set of friends, are you worried she might do the same to you? Could you're feeling guilty for abandoning your old friends and that you fear the same will happen to you?

 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, roses20 said:

Well yes, these are the only options.

Ok then all you can do is see if she reaches out or reach out to her. If you feel the friendship is stressful and unsatisfying you can reconsider whether you want to stay friends or just let things fade.

[glows]

2 hours ago, roses20 said:

But let's put effort again and disregard how I am feeling, cause it seems it's not enough that I make the effort, I also need to be ashamed that I am experiencing this. 

I am sorry but this topic made me feel even worse now. It seems that people like to make someone who is hurting feel even worse by dismissing their needs, and focus on the other person in question, because clearly someone whose actions indicate you are not important to them is the one who we should think about. 

I don’t think you need to put in any more effort. Yes, you’re hurt and for a time I had the same thing happen. I felt exactly like the way you are writing. Someone I knew for close to a decade did the same thing to the few friends she had as soon as a new man entered her life. She made him her entire world and forgot everyone else. I’m not surprised if I get a phone call from her some time from now asking to meet because they’ve broken up and she needs support. Yet in the time she forgot her friends she also wasn’t around for some major life celebrations and events for those who once supported her. Regardless of the reasons your friend doesn’t want to spend time with you don’t try to take it too personally. Yes it all feels personal! I felt that way too. 

Sometimes doing nothing and letting it unfold is the best thing you can do for yourself and place her as less priority in your life. She’s just not that kind of friend.

[roses20]

6 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

  

You've ended relationships with some of your best friends who wanted to hang out every weekend because they were upset that you were making friends with other people, yet you're upset with this girl for making a new group of friends that she enjoys.

 

 

Omg, I did not say I ended friendships specifically for this reason. Someone asked me if I was still friends with those people and I said no, because I ended the friendships because of other reasons too. Not because of that in particular reason, that was just another detail in the big picture.

I am not trying to assume, I am just looking at her actions, because the best way to see how someone feels about you is in their actions. And so far her actions are not really there, she only responds if I say something and that's it. And after reading other people's experiences, maybe she does not consider me a close friend, but just a friend, and I just consider someone close friend if we know each other for some years, but maybe it's not always mean to be like that. 

 

 

[Alpacalia]

24 minutes ago, roses20 said:

I am not trying to assume, I am just looking at her actions, because the best way to see how someone feels about you is in their actions. And so far her actions are not really there, she only responds if I say something and that's it. And after reading other people's experiences, maybe she does not consider me a close friend, but just a friend, and I just consider someone close friend if we know each other for some years, but maybe it's not always mean to be like that. 

That's a fair assessment. It is true that people generally show how they feel about someone through their actions. It's also important to remember that not everyone expresses themselves in the same way or spends the same amount of time with each person, so it's possible that the two of you may just be at different levels of friendship. 

It is okay to set and communicate different levels of goals. Everyone has to compromise a bit. Nobody wants to be the only one to reach out every time. If you truly feel she doesn't care that much, start widening your horizons. Learn to be comfortable alone too. Make your own decisions. It's OK to walk away from friendships that are draining and unfulfilling.

There’s a difference between someone wanting to talk to you and flat out ignoring you. I leave people alone if they don’t respond.

She might 'like hanging out with you' but not enough to do any of the legwork it takes to maintain a healthy relationship on her end. I'm sure in some cases they would 'like hanging out with you' in the way that I like having someone feed me grapes. My female friend that I mentioned, I would drop off care packages to her, throw her birthday parties, be there for her when she needed emotional support but she felt that me initiating more was important. 

Ultimately it is up to you to decide if you want to keep this person in your life. It is also your responsibility to set boundaries and not continuously try to put in effort if the situation is one-sided. If you decide that the friendship is not worth it, then it is okay to walk away.

Edited June 6, 2023 by Alpacalia

[roses20]

9 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

 It's also important to remember that not everyone expresses themselves in the same way or spends the same amount of time with each person, so it's possible that the two of you may just be at different levels of friendship. 

There’s a difference between someone wanting to talk to you and flat out ignoring you. 

She might 'like hanging out with you' but not enough to do any of the legwork it takes to maintain a healthy relationship on her end.  

Ultimately it is up to you to decide if you want to keep this person in your life. 

Thank you. And yes, I agree. I guess this being the first time dealing with a situation like this, I did not know how to navigate it or how to respond. Because I always only had close friends or work friends. But not in between type of friends who were not too close and did not reach out much. So it is a new experience for sure

[Alpacalia]

9 hours ago, roses20 said:

Thank you. And yes, I agree. I guess this being the first time dealing with a situation like this, I did not know how to navigate it or how to respond. Because I always only had close friends or work friends. But not in between type of friends who were not too close and did not reach out much. So it is a new experience for sure

Sure!

I have a friend from when I was around 11-12 years old and we're still friends but we've definitely went from being super close to just keeping in touch from time to time. She definitely doesn't keep in touch as often as I'd like but I am at peace with it. I value our friendship and the fact that we still make the effort to keep in touch even though our lives have taken different paths since we were kids. It's nice to have a friend who I can look back on fondly and remember the good times we had.

If it really affected me, I'd probably mention it more from a place of vulnerability, like "hey, it saddens me when I don't hear from you for so long". That way, I'm being honest and open about how I'm feeling. I don't want to make her feel guilty, I just want her to know how I'm feeling.

It sounds like you're starting to make more acquaintances now and still learning how to be more open and to trust people. It's a different kind of connection, but one that maybe you can grow to appreciate. As long as you enjoy having different types of relationships in your life and that not all relationships need to be deep and meaningful. Some relationships can be more casual and that is okay too.  You don't necessarily have to put the same effort into all of them.

So maybe that means you dial back on being the one to always initiate plans first. Just let it be and see what happens. Take a step back and let her take the lead sometimes. See how it feels to just be a listener and an observer. Reassess the relationship and decide if it is what you want. If it does not feel right, take the necessary steps to move on. Don't be afraid to let go and find something that is better suited for you.

[Acacia98]

On 6/6/2023 at 12:28 PM, roses20 said:

I think people including you have given me valid reasons regarding my question . I am just not a priority to her as she is to me (as you said, when I feel good with someone, being so rare, I value them more). 

I think you're right when you say making the effort just isn't as much of a priority to her as it is to you. You don't like the sense of imbalance that comes from your making a bigger effort to initiate communication and meetings. So dial back the effort to the point where you're comfortable. If that means not initiating any more and you're okay with it, that's cool. I've actually don't that for two friendships. You see, I came to the realization that I was the one pressuring myself to keep up the effort when the other person was not reciprocating. I didn't have control over the other person, but I could change what I was doing. And so I did. And now I'm no longer resentful. 

[roses20]

6 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

I think you're right when you say making the effort just isn't as much of a priority to her as it is to you. You don't like the sense of imbalance that comes from your making a bigger effort to initiate communication and meetings. So dial back the effort to the point where you're comfortable. If that means not initiating any more and you're okay with it, that's cool. I've actually don't that for two friendships. You see, I came to the realization that I was the one pressuring myself to keep up the effort when the other person was not reciprocating. I didn't have control over the other person, but I could change what I was doing. And so I did. And now I'm no longer resentful. 

And how did those friends react? Did they notice and ask you why you are not writing or something?

[stillafool]

I too have stepped back from friends who never initiates, especially when I was young and single.  I just don't make people a priority who do not make me one.  Turns out I made the right decision for both of us because we never got back in touch with each other.  She obviously felt the same way and that's okay.

[glows]

12 hours ago, roses20 said:

And how did those friends react? Did they notice and ask you why you are not writing or something?

Off the top of my head I can think of two instances where one continued contacting and I stopped responding due to flakiness and inconsistency and the other never heard from again which I expected and no issues. 

[Acacia98]

On 6/8/2023 at 11:33 AM, roses20 said:

And how did those friends react? Did they notice and ask you why you are not writing or something?

If they missed me, it wasn't apparent. They had both transitioned to new stations in life and had new friends who were increasingly more compatible with them than I was. So I guess life kept them busy and when I stopped reaching out, they didn't notice or it wasn't enough of a priority to warrant a reaction. 🙂

They may have tried to reach out in subsequent years, but I wouldn't know because I moved to a new country and all my contact info changed. I actually tried notifying one of my friends that my email address would be changing, but I don't know if she ever read those messages. She was pretty flaky. So it's conceivable that she never bothered reading them.