Husband too friendly with co-worker

[Cher]

Okay, so i have been married to my husband for 11yrs now. He and I both work from home. He is in his office and my desk is our bedroom. I have been struggling with my thoughts and feelings about what I have noticed and found. 
He talks to just about everyone and is very helpful that is great but I noticed one female co-worker literally calls him on Microsoft Teams daily mainly from what I can hear venting about their supervisor and complaints BUT at times it is other than work related. I also noticed its not a short conversation either. I can understand the co-worker part and answering her questions at times but why does she HAVE to vent to him daily?? I mean I have told my husband about this and mentioned to him about how it is making me feel. Seems like now she recently has found out I am NOW working from home as well. The part makes me frustrated is with her too if you know his wife is at the house working as well why do you think its acceptable for yourself to call him??! I don't know if I am overreacting or if I am wrong about this. Of course my husband plays the upset card and gets mad at me about it but yet still continues to talk to her and she calls him daily. I reached out to her on teams to say hello but she didn't respond. Apparently she went to my husband stating i reached out and if she is doing anything wrong. 

Edited June 5, 2023 by Cher
WORDING

[Wiseman2]

15 minutes ago, Cher said:

 if you know his wife is at the house working as well why do you think its acceptable for yourself to call him??.  she went to my husband stating i reached out and if she is doing anything wrong. 

Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately your husband is the problem he's inviting and encouraging it. Have you considered marriage therapy to unpack and sort out why he's dismissing this?

[BaileyB]

The don’t have enough work to do? Is that the problem?

No, your husband is the problem. He has failed to enforce a healthy boundary with this woman - both related to his marriage and also related to his productivity. 

[glows]

Are they discussing work? What’s all the venting about? It sounds like a sh*tty company. Is your husband’s job in a precarious situation? 

Id be more concerned about his job stability than this colleague. I can see why you’re upset though. They may be commiserating about a bigger problem. 

[spiritedaway2003]

9 hours ago, Cher said:

 I reached out to her on teams to say hello but she didn't respond. Apparently she went to my husband stating i reached out and if she is doing anything wrong. 

Well, don't do that.  If nothing is going on, that's just weird and crossing work boundaries as well.  I'm not sure why you're mad at her.  It's your husband's job to enforce boundaries with the people in his life.  You cannot control or police him.   Let him know your concerns and why it bothers you.  If you bring it up calmly, he shouldn't be mad at your for a reasonable request to taper down and enforce some boundaries.  FWIW, I have very little time to commiserate with colleagues when there's plenty of work on my plate,  but I agree that sometimes commiserating helps when there are bigger issues at work.  I wonder if that is happening at his workplace and that's all there is to it.  (At the end of the day, it's on your husband to say something if her venting bothers him)

 

[Lotsgoingon]

Reaching out to the woman shows that you are not thinking right. It's your husband that is the problem. Stay there. Quit the escapism. Quit asking, "why does she call him?" She has a right to call him. Lots of coworkers chat and b.s.  Is he a mentor to her? Have you overheard inappropriate conversations? Or is there a certain enthusiasm in his voice talking to her, enthusiasm that is absent from your marriage or when he's talking to you?

Talking about personal life is a huge part of office work these days. People rely on coworkers sometimes to help them through frustrating and difficult periods. There are studies that say talking about personal life is actually good for workplace cohesion and team cohesion. 

If you are going to confront hubby, go for the disclosure of what you're feeling. You are feeling scared? Uncomfortable? Insecure? Say your feelings before you accuse him of anything. That way the ball goes in his corner and now it's up to him to reassure you. 

Do not contact her. One that is utterly foolish and about third grade level maturity.  Mad at the girl who is winking at the boy you have a crush on. If you have to go to a woman to curtail contact with a husband, then you don't trust or like your husband or you're afraid of him. In which, get the heck out of the marriage. 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

I'll simply echo the others that your husband is the issue. 

He seems to enjoy their conversations, whatever they are talking about. Reaching out to her was not a good idea and it didn't resolve anything, as you see. How are things otherwise in your marriage? 

[JTSW]

15 hours ago, Cher said:

I reached out to her on teams to say hello but she didn't respond. Apparently she went to my husband stating I reached out and if she is doing anything wrong. 

You shouldn't do this.

You shouldn't be reaching out to his co-workers because they are not your business.

Your husband should be reassuring you, not encouraging her to keep calling him.

But at the end of the day  he is working and they are co-workers so there is nothing he can do about it.

 

[Ageless Wisdom23]

I find she is stepping over her bonding boundaries with your husband.  I do not see where she needs to talk every day and then some.  But he seems fine with it and is enabling to cause a problem now in your own house.  She is obviously jealous of you or she would reply with a polite "H😏ey" at least.  It is him she likes and is maybe hoping they can see each other outside your walls.  Keep an eye on it.  I don't trust her.

Edited June 6, 2023 by Ageless Wisdom23

[mark clemson]

There's such a thing as a work friendship. However, IMO most normal adults don't go out of their way to contact a friend every day. So this may very well be going down the slippery (and very much subjective) slope of "emotional affair". If she's even reasonably attractive he probably does enjoy the "attention" to at least some extent. That doesn't mean anything physical will happen or that any feelings he might have for her outweigh those he has for you. However, that could happen at some point, and of course that's why you feel threatened by this.

IMO, as a wife/SO, your needs should trump those of a friend. In metaphorical terms, you are a "queen" whereas the friend is (or should be) a pawn. So, if you feel like your relationship is threatened by this "friendship" then you can ask that he curtail it - drop her as a friend and limit conversation to what's necessary for work.

He sounds social and like he makes friends easily. Good for him. You can remind him of that when asking for this. A LTR requires reasonable compromises to endure, and asking that he limit one friendship is IMO quite reasonable if the friendship is causing you significant distress.

[Luna66star]

Does your husband have problems with boundaries and saying "no" to people?  Is he a yes man?  If so, it might explain why he let's this go on.

Maybe too he feels like he's supporting her in some way by engaging in conversations.

If you are concerned a close bond is being established between them (and I think you do), then have a talk with your husband.Tell him boundaries must be set with this co worker.  They should stick to work related talk.  Especially if he is married.  There's a danger of an EA otherwise.

You are right to be concerned here. Discuss this at length with your husband.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Weezy1973]

If it was something suspicious you wouldn’t be aware of all this communication between them. He doesn’t seem secretive at all about it.

[Stret]

Two things are worrying - your husband's reaction to it and the fact she hasn't replied to you at all. 
I talk daily to my male colleagues. We both went about people at work and sometimes when we travel to other countries and get a dinner together we exchange personal stories too. But there is literally zero going on there. Having said that, if any of their wives reached out to me, I'd be glad to meet them too. So her reaction (or the lack of it) is telling. 
I'd talk to the husband once again - this time tell him you don't want any immature reactions from him but you want him to listen and take into account what you're telling him.