livingalife2009 Posted June 6, 2023 Share Posted June 6, 2023 My ex and I have a huge age difference, he is planning his funeral while I am still raising our kids. We were married for 21 years. His family treats me and our children like we never exist. My ex confessed to his step sister that she was his #1 while I am 'crap'. I am sad for him and for the sake of the children I am very kind to him. sHe plans to put me in charge of his funeral but I politely decline because I do not want to be in the same room with his family. I do not want to do anything with them so I plan to arrange a private memorial service with my friends and loved ones. What happens if I decline to arrange his funeral or what happens if I arrange his funeral and NOT invite his family. Or even worse, ask them to leave if they ever show up. Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted June 6, 2023 Share Posted June 6, 2023 Oh wow, unfortunately I've got a ton of experience with funerals and the politics of funerals. My sister is in a nursing home and hospice right now. She could pop off any day now. A few weeks ago, I realized I did not want to organize her funeral. She has no children and no spouse. But I've had too many funerals and deaths in my family in the past 15 years. I'm exhausted. So I realize I did not want to make the calls and arrangements and all of that. Took me a lot to get there. All kinds of guilt and obligation. But look, she has some friends. They can step up. I'm even willing to pay a coordinator to organize a funeral and to make all the calls. So the bottom line is hell no, you don't have any obligation to run the funeral of your ex. And your former SIL is simply trying to pawn off this work onto you. In fact, you don't want to arrange the funeral against your own wishes. Funerals are too tiring and all and your real feelings will leak through. If your ex has abandoned you, then you have no obligation, none, zippo, zip, to organize his funeral. Don't even think about it. Your your ex SIL sounds annoying and intrusive, I would just (if I were you) practice your lines of how to say no that feels calm and yet firm and doesn't take any @### from her. "I don't want to do his funeral." Repeat ... But you have to ... "I don't want to do his funeral." She screams. "Repeat." Don't get into an explanation that gets you on the defensive. Someone will arrange his funeral and if no one does, that is his fault for the way he has lived. Not your job or ethical duty to spend precious emotional and spiritual energy (with exhausting logistics at times) on the funeral of someone you don't feel close to. There is no rule or social expectation that abandoned ex-wives must arrange the funerals of former husbands. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted June 6, 2023 Share Posted June 6, 2023 This is such an odd situation. You say that he's already planning his funeral, so why is his step sister involving you or herself? Shouldn't he be the one working with you and his family to figure out who's doing what? Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted June 6, 2023 Share Posted June 6, 2023 8 hours ago, livingalife2009 said: My ex and I have a huge age difference, he is planning his funeral while I am still raising our kids. We were married for 21 years. Are you still legally married? You are under no obligation to have anything to do with him or his family. Tell his family to talk to him and get an estate attorney then block them. All you need to worry about is coparenting, child support and custody/visitation. You're no longer the legal next of kin and whatever he wants should be written in his will. Why are you communicating with his family? Delete and block them from ALL your social media and messaging apps. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 6, 2023 Share Posted June 6, 2023 If he's your ex you don't have to have anything at all to do with any of them. You're no longer his wife. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted June 6, 2023 Share Posted June 6, 2023 Decline if you don’t want to do it. Don’t accept and then passively aggressively retaliate and not invite his family. Like an arrow fly straight. Forget the misgivings when he’s gone. And don’t pass down the resentment to your kids. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ageless Wisdom23 Posted June 7, 2023 Share Posted June 7, 2023 (edited) Being the step sister is Number One, Tell your Ex to have her plan the funeral to her own liking. Explain to him more that you would prefer that another member of his family do it so you do not have to be thinking of "This Day" till Death Do You Part. If you are not invited to his Funeral, Should it 😗happen that Way, You and your own family can always hold your own private Celebration of Life on your own. Even at the the Graveside, Without his other side. Edited June 7, 2023 by Ageless Wisdom23 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted June 7, 2023 Share Posted June 7, 2023 (edited) On 6/5/2023 at 6:22 PM, livingalife2009 said: My ex confessed to his step sister that she was his #1 while I am 'crap'. It's definitely a strange and audacious request for you to arrange his funeral considering the above. I can't fathom why your ex would want you to plan his funeral if that's truly how he felt about you. Wouldn't it make more sense for someone else to do the arrangements? Holding a private memorial service with your friends and loved ones definitely makes more sense especially for your children's sake. Edited June 7, 2023 by Alpacalia Link to post Share on other sites
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