Husband and I can not stop fighting since becoming parents

[Scars97]

We have been together for 3 years and had our first baby 6 months ago. When I got pregnant we moved closer to his family for support mostly. I have heard it is common for couples to argue more after a new baby.

Since I was around 5 months pregnant we started having horrible fights that we never had before. The main trigger for this I believe is stress from his job and becoming a father. He has an issue with taking stress and anger out on other people. When he is angry and we are fighting he is relentless. I can't make him stop no matter what I do or say and it lasts for hours. I eventually just shut down. 

He has told me that if I left I would not have a place to go and a court would never let me take our child back to my home state. From what I have researched he is correct. I have not even seriously considered leaving him. This has been so hurtful. Before this we never fought and I don't even think he called me a name before. 

I don't feel like I have been doing anything wrong. Like if there was something I could change I would but it is just random. If I am not ecstatic he thinks I am being a b****. Like sometimes I am going on 2 hours of sleep I am not myself. The more he yells the worse it gets so it just creates problems. We are both very sexual but this has lessened since having a new baby and that has been another major issue. I don't even try to turn him down anymore. He acts more suspicious of me and I feel like I can't do anything right. I feel like I am living with a different person. The only thing I can think of to do is suggest marriage counseling. I hope it is a phase. Any suggestions I feel crazy? 

[Lotsgoingon]

A couple of questions to better respond to you.

One, are you guys dividing duties along traditional gender lines, as in you are mainly responsible for the baby and he is responsible mainly for work? I know that right now temporarily that might be the case. I'm not asking about that. I'm asking about overall the framework of your marriage. Something tells me you are disempowered in this marriage. And it didn't just happen with the baby. Traditional role marriages can be fine of course. But I'm asking about you guys.

Two, tell me about the relationship before you got pregnant. 

Any chance things got worse when he moved closer to his family. He might be having a reaction to some dysfunction in his family that he's out of touch with. He's taking it out of you. Any chance his mother or father is toxic, and highly critical of him?

 

[basil67]

This sounds like a very toxic situation for you.  It sounds like he's done a 'bait and switch' with you and you ARE living with a different person.

I too, have many questions:   I am not condoning your partner's words and behaviour by any stretch of the imagination, but aside from you being (understandably) tired what does he express frustration over?   Does he ever express remorse over his behaviour?   Does he have a substance abuse problem?

Do your family and friends know what's happening?    Please get legal advice on you being able to move back home to your family if you were to leave the marriage.  

Aside from issues with your husband, you running on sometimes two hours sleep is very unusual now that your baby is six months old.  What's going on with baby's sleep patterns?  Does your partner help you with parenting?  Are you able to catnap when your baby does rest?  

 

 

 

[Andy_K]

This might be a stupid question, but did he WANT the baby? Was it planned? He's been fighting with you since you were about 5 months pregnant, which is about the time the reality of the situation will have sunk in for most people.

You've been fighting for nearly a year so this is 1/3 of your whole relationship now. It's ingrained. His comments about you leaving sound very toxic and controlling. Did he ever show signs of this before the pregnancy? Perhaps jealousy, questioning your choice of clothes or who you're spending time with, anything like that?

Also I agree with basil that this level of sleep is not normal after 6 months. Baby should be sleeping through most of the night by now. Are there other problems here?

[Weezy1973]

Was he enthusiastic about having the baby in the first place? The life change that a baby brings is major and can trigger a lot of anxieties. 

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Scars97 said:

He has told me that if I left I would not have a place to go and a court would never let me take our child back to my home state. 

Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately abusive relationships often get worse stepwise such as isolating you more by living near his people and saddling you down with children. Now that you've trapped he's letting loose with his full abuse and control.

Please stop arguing and threatening divorce or abandonment. Contact a domestic violence agency for information and support. 

Do not suggest marriage therapy. Marriage therapy is not indicated in abusive relationships. You need to speak privately and openly with someone you can trust for advice and support.

Instead make an appointment with your physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Get some tests done. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. Do not tell your husband. Instead privately and confidentiality tell the therapist about what is happening. 

Talk to trusted friends and family back home about what's happening. Be honest about the abuse. In the meantime do not involve his family and just be neutral and bland. Do not tell him your feelings or hope he understands. Telling an abuser your feelings is like loading the gun they'll shoot you with. Only confide in your own trusted friends and family and professionals about what's going on and your feelings.

Do not make excuses for him such as "he's stressed at work, etc". That's no reason to beat you up mentally and emotionally. 

[glows]

What are you both fighting about? I’m asking really - what are the issues.

Calling names and putting someone down, character slaying are all emotionally and verbally abusive. 

If you need to leave then leave. Find local support and to hell with his squawking. Avoid angry people like the plague. 

[stillafool]

Emotional and verbal abuse usually escalates to physical abuse.  I would leave if I were you.

[Els]

13 hours ago, Scars97 said:

He has an issue with taking stress and anger out on other people. When he is angry and we are fighting he is relentless. I can't make him stop no matter what I do or say and it lasts for hours.

Unfortunately, it sounds like this is how he's always been, it's just that parenthood made it more obvious. But if he is unwilling to admit that there is an issue that he needs to seek help with, then nothing will change. This is who he is... you should have left 3 years ago, but I understand that hindsight is 20/20.

I'm really concerned that he's threatening you with all these things and you feel like you have to have sex that you don't want to prevent him from getting angry. This is an abusive situation, and I agree with @stillafool that things will probably get even worse from here. This isn't something that marital counseling can help with, unfortunately. We're not talking about "help we lost our spark" here, we're talking about threats, anger issues, sexual coercion, and abuse. MC is designed to help with the former, not the latter.

Have you talked to a lawyer about what your rights with the child actually would be if you got a divorce? If you are the main carer (which I am guessing you are, if you're getting 2 hours of sleep), the courts will often give you priority for custody. Also, it's dangerous for the child to give custody to a parent with severe anger issues, so you should talk to your lawyer if recording your husband in one of his rages would help.

Also, I disagree with the people who are saying that him not wanting to have a child is an excuse for it. I'm a childfree person myself, and I can tell you that it is NOT a valid excuse. If I hypothetically ever had a child that I didn't want, I would leave and pay child support. Not stay and abuse the partner and threaten them with keeping the child. That threat, especially, makes ZERO sense if he didn't want the child - why wouldn't he just let you take the child then? It's just plain manipulation and abusive behaviour.

 

Edited June 6, 2023 by Els

[Scars97]

 

I appreciate the replies.

I have not worked since we moved and we have rather traditional gender roles right now. Baby and house is all me and I don't have a problem with that while I am not working. Our relationship was great up until we moved but there were a lot of changes. His family is great but he does act differently in front of them. He is more serious and I think almost nervous.

He does not have any substance abuse issues. Anything can turn into a fight, spending too much money when 99% of the time I only buy necessities and we are not poor or struggling financially. If I fall asleep in the baby's room, phone habits, friends. It is really mood dependent for him and can kick off over anything. My family does not know. I have talked to a couple of my friends but not in much detail. The sleep issue is not all of the time but it comes in phases and I can rarely nap during the day when it does happen just because I have never taken naps and it is hard for me. I do all of the work that involves the baby. He will help for an hour or two on weekends if he needs to but always holds and plays with baby.

When we got pregnant he was much more on board with having a baby than I was. He loves his kid. He has always wanted the baby and I don't believe that is the issue. I have not talked to lawyer, I have just done google searches. 

[MsJayne]

20 hours ago, Scars97 said:

He has told me that if I left I would not have a place to go and a court would never let me take our child back to my home state.

Your husband is using classic abuse and control strategies, and it will get worse. I agree with others, you should quietly, (if you can), find out about the legalities of returning to your home state and all other aspects of separation, because it very much sounds like the Real Him emerged once he got you in a place where you're away from all that's familiar to you and the people you're close to back home. Marriage counselling may help, but it's unusual for an abuser to take true responsibility for their behaviour. Stress can make people cranky, but abusing people is a choice, not a symptom. He changes personality around his family and seems nervous. Is it possible that he's afraid that at any moment one of them might blab about a history he doesn't want you to know about?  My advice would be to research women's shelters and support groups in your area because you may need them in the future, and also, if there's someone in his family that you trust perhaps you could confide in them and at least make someone aware of the escalating abuse. Take care of yourself. 

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, Scars97 said:

. It is really mood dependent for him and can kick off over anything. My family does not know. I have talked to a couple of my friends but not in much detail.  I have not talked to lawyer, I have just done google searches. 

Yes unfortunately this is the classic stepwise abuse pattern. Isolating you, financial dependence, saddling you down. Removing any freedom, power, support, leverage or control you have.

Please talk to trusted friends and family frankly about what is really going on. Don't be ashamed. Don't make excuses about stress or moods.

Please contact a domestic violence agency for information and support.

You don't have to Google attorneys right now. His threats are simply more abuse and control. But please inform yourself about how abuse operates:

https://nnedv.org/content/red-flags-of-abuse/

Please do not go to marriage therapy. Instead go to a therapist privately and confidentiality so you can be honest and get the help, support and advice you need. Do not tell him. Don't confide in his family. Keep things bland and matter of fact with him. Do not discuss your feelings.

 

Edited June 7, 2023 by Wiseman2

[Els]

19 hours ago, Scars97 said:

He does not have any substance abuse issues. Anything can turn into a fight, spending too much money when 99% of the time I only buy necessities and we are not poor or struggling financially. If I fall asleep in the baby's room, phone habits, friends. It is really mood dependent for him and can kick off over anything.

Well, then it's even worse than I thought.

What is stopping you from leaving? Is it the threats? Losing custody, finances, etc? Please look into your options - as I said, in most jurisdictions you would likely get sole custody if you asked for it, considering your circumstances (abusive husband, you are the sole carer). Generally speaking you would also be entitled to child support, and perhaps alimony. A domestic violence shelter could put you up temporarily while you get legal help on how to navigate the issues.

 

[mark clemson]

Marriage counseling might be worth a try. Some people have ingrained/unconscious expectations or patterns. That's not to excuse or condone what's been happening to you by any means. However, full awareness and consciousness of his patterns, labeling them as abusive, etc MAY help make him aware enough of them to try to bring them more under his control. It's a big IF, but it may be worth trying if (along with sustained marriage counseling) if you're not interested in simply leaving. Keep in mind however, how much you're actually willing to tolerate from him.

Google research and well-meant advice isn't a substitute for actually speaking with a lawyer in your jurisdiction regarding a potential divorce. In the US, many will give free 1/2 hour consultations and (time and opportunities permitting) you can "shop around" to a certain extent to find one you like, as well as getting your questions answered. Letting them know you don't have gobs of money to spend on a divorce may help separate the sincere ones from any who are "only in it for the money" as well.

Hopefully it won't get to that point, but your situation does sound pretty bad frankly, and I suspect many folks would have left already. However there are also plenty of folks who want to exhaust all potential other avenues before resorting to divorce (so long as safety isn't threatened), and that is a legitimate view as well.

You might also consider researching the Drama Triangle to see if the relationship dynamics described there apply to you and/or your husband. IF they do, then that might also be something to bring fully to both your conscious awareness. However, TBQH your situation sounds more like "classic abuse" (only emotionally so far), so the DT may not apply particularly well.

Edited June 7, 2023 by mark clemson

[Indigo Night]

Talk to a lawyer, for no other reason than you will know west your rights are. Your husband is using threats to control you. Take your power back.

For the record, very rarely will courts stop you from moving to your home state,  where your support system is (especiallyif the baby's father is causing problems). You will have to arrange visitation, of course, but you aren't a prisoner with your baby simply because your husband believes you can not move.  You can,  but there are legal steps you has r to take.  It's an empty threat,  but it's working to keep you in line.  

Talk to a lawyer. Let your family or friends know what's going on.  You dont have to face his abuse alone. It sounds like he needs a kick in the a$$ of reality, and to know he doesn't have as much power as he thinks he does. 

Toxic masculinity is bad for a healthy marriage. He is in for a rude awakening if he can't stop being such a control freak.

Take back your power mama! 

[BaileyB]

I am very concerned about you because your husband is an abuser - it hasn’t become physical yet but also the classic signs of verbal abuse, isolation, walking on eggshells so as not to set him off, and controlling behavior are there. 

I would suggest that you talk to your family and visit a lawyer. Make an exit plan. I don’t know that marriage counselling can fix what has gone wrong in your marriage. Take care of yourself and your baby. 

[BaileyB]

To say that he is stressed and you are fighting after having a baby is minimizing this - when it devolves into name calling, if he becomes upset because you fall asleep in the babies room, spend money, or talk with someone on the phone, and he is threatening that you can’t leave… that to me says this is much more serious. 

[ShyViolet]

The way you choose to describe this is very minimizing of the problem but I can see right through it.  This sounds like a truly abusive relationship.  Stop minimizing it, and acknowledge it for what it is.  That is the first step.  Marriage counseling is not what is needed for an abusive relationship.

He is keeping you in isolation.  That is what abusers do, that is how they keep their power over you.  You need to TELL people about this.  Get a support system.  Tell trusted friends or family members what is happening.  I know it seems impossible now, but you need to start working towards a plan to get out of this horrible situation.

Edited June 25, 2023 by ShyViolet

[Els]

On 6/25/2023 at 2:29 AM, BaileyB said:

To say that he is stressed and you are fighting after having a baby is minimizing this - when it devolves into name calling, if he becomes upset because you fall asleep in the babies room, spend money, or talk with someone on the phone, and he is threatening that you can’t leave… that to me says this is much more serious. 

This. Stress and tiredness might justify an occasional snippy comment, grumpiness, or a lack of interest in intimacy. It does NOT in any way excuse, justify, or explain the controlling behaviour, the constant shouting, and most of all the threats. Any time someone starts to threaten you with the things they'll do to you if you leave, you should know that you 100% need to leave.

[JTSW]

Why are you staying?

[Gaeta]

On 6/6/2023 at 12:10 AM, Scars97 said:

We have been together for 3 years and had our first baby 6 months ago. When I got pregnant we moved closer to his family for support mostly.

and it's when the abuse started because you are far from your family and the people that would look out for you. 

On 6/6/2023 at 12:10 AM, Scars97 said:

I don't even try to turn him down anymore

Is this what I think it is...

There is nothing to salvage here, call your family and ask them to meet a lawyer on your behalf and inform themselves how they can get you and your child out of the State. You cannot meet with a lawyer yourself if he keeps track of your spending. You are in an abusive relationship, you don't work and have a 6 month old baby, I doubt they can force you to stay in that State. Each case is different. It's easy to tell you you can't get out of the State, it's all part of the abuse.