Help with my marrisge

[Curt74]

So this is my story and situation. My wife and I got together dating a little over 5 years ago. We had gone to high school together but then reconnected years later after almost 24 years. We had both been married and divorced with both having children from the previous marriages. We actually got married 2 years ago though after dating/relationship for the 3 years prior. So of course everything was incredible at the beginning after getting together. But I’d say about a year into dating and issues or things had to be brought up to discuss about a relationship which was by me and was about spending time together or intimacy.

When I tried to approach her about them she’d get extremely upset/mad and then just start yelling about why did I have to bring or try to discuss at that time. So then I would try to set up or schedule a time to discuss things. This would also set her off and she’d get angry/upset then say why do we have to schedule something like that. So I didn’t know what to do after attempting to go avenues.

So I would go online and try to read all I could about relationships and proper communication just to get the best grasp of it plus to make sure I was approaching the matter the correct way. I had found many websites that had great and useful information on them. So I then would try to approach her with wanting us to both read or go through the information on the websites about communication with relationships. She would never want to review any of them together and would tell me that she would look at them when she had a chance. Which I don’t think she ever did and a showed no interest in doing so.

So then I had purchased a few different books on relationships and communication with all topics covered. I read them and then tried to show her and get her to read them also. Which again she seemed to have no interest in doing so but took them and said she’d try if she could find enough time to read. I thought the books would be a positive thing because every morning she has a block time that part of her morning routine before work that she reads self-help and inspirational books. So I thought that getting books that she’d be able to relate to.

So then found a great couples workbook that a couple goes through together and can learn about all topics of a healthy relationship, understand each other better, and improve communication by doing it as a couple. I said that maybe we could once a week or whatever would work go through a section while having dinner together or whatever would work best for her. So a little at a time. She took the workbook and didn’t really say anything about it.

So after time had gone by and myself suggesting we try to start it a few times with her never wanting to do anything with this workbook. I brought it up again and she got extremely mad almost to the point of rage and then told me that she would do the workbook but she’s do it alone because she said she learns the best by herself. Which pretty much defeated the purpose of the workbook completely because it was intended to do as a couple.

Pretty much anytime after that when any issues or something would come up where we needed to discuss or have a conversation about our relationship would make her go into a rage. With yelling and just pure anger, she would make harsh or cynical statements about the websites I tried us to look through, the books, workbook, and any other possible things that could improve our relationship. Then after that would be a few days of the silent treatment.

So I got to the point of just not trying to say anything or bring up any feelings/thoughts that I felt needed to be discussed. Solely because of what always would happen with her anger plus that I would just feel worse after doing so because of how it would turn out plus after effects. But I loved her so just went on with life.

So my kids live with my ex and have certain times of the year that get visitation but my oldest did live with me full time. My wife would switch custody of her kids with her ex every 2 days plus every other weekend. So we lived in our separate homes and the way it went was when she would have her kids I pretty much wouldn’t see her at all but would communicate through text then FaceTime at the end of the night. Then when she didn’t have her kids I would go to her house and spend the evening/night. She would say she wanted to ensure that she spent as much time with her kids which I understood. But as time and years went on I’d suggest that we would go or do things all together kids plus us. Because we had discussed and mutually wanted to be married someday so blending the families would be important. Which she would say she didn’t want to push her youngest who was 12 at the time into anything.  We would occasionally through the year have a supper together or spend a holiday dinner all together but that was about the extent of it.

So after being together for a couple of years, which all during that time never staying overnight with her and her kids in the same house, both of us talked plus wanted to get married then be a family together I would suggest about spending time together but she would still resist then say she didn’t want to push her youngest into anything. Which I had said to her that if we plan on being together and marriage that we needed to try to start spending time together as a family unit so that when the time comes it wouldn’t be a shock for the kids. Because blending families is hard enough with all they face but still resisted.

So one night when she had her kids we were on FaceTime and her youngest was standing next to her and out of nowhere my wife said or suggested we get married which of course I was elated to hear. Her reasoning was my kids would be coming in the next 2 months for the summer so would do it then so they all would be there. We discussed it all and her youngest was there when it was all said. We agreed on that right after the wedding she would move into my house and then sell hers, Because my house was bigger and would have enough room for all our kids even though they would have to share a room between them having 2 kids in each room.

So before the wedding she was still resistant about us spending time together when she had her kids which this was only 2 months from when the wedding first got brought up till the actual date of it. So everything got setup and scheduled and we had the wedding. A few days later she put her house up for sale and had already started packing and started moving things to my house and she’d stay at my house. During this time her youngest would stay at my wife’s old house and her daughter would give different reasons to do so.

So about 10-13 days after the wedding and all there stuff was moved in which left her old house empty she had her visitation time with youngest daughter and out of nowhere her youngest told her that she didn’t want to plus wasn’t going to stay at our house but wouldn’t give any reasons. Now we both have different ways we raise our kids, but her kids run the show with my wife. She will literally do anything and everything if they ask. If for some reason she says no they throw a temper tantrum, this is a 14 year old and a 16 year old at the time girls. So when they would do that the wife would just crumble.

So her youngest daughter refusing to stay at our home of course devastated my wife and sent her into a depression. The days then weeks following she tried many times but her daughter just refused. So then my wife began to just become more and more angry with me plus loads of resentment also towards me because of the situation and everything even though I had nothing to do with it. Which all I was doing during that time was try to support her and do anything possible to get her daughter to change her mind. It had gotten so bad by 4 or 5 weeks after getting married my wife had even suggested getting separated. It continued on like this for a long while, to the point she had a cable outlet installed in our dining room because just wouldn’t even spend time together in our living room with me.

So because of how bad it had gotten between us and the way she would treat my kids differently than her own with completely different standards that I suggested we go or try couples/marriage counseling. Which when I brought it up she would show no interest and even get angry about it. She would say if I wanted it to figure it out or set it up myself.  She wouldn’t even look at possible solutions or counselors. So I did set it up, I found a counselor/therapist that offered her services free since I’m a totally disabled retired veteran through a video call session.

So we had a handful of sessions but then the counselor had a family emergency and couldn’t continue but some things did seem to kinda improve so didn’t look for further help. During all this time we were planning on looking for a bigger house but taking the time to find exactly what we wanted and needed. Plus no matter what both of us would do or try her youngest refused it all. Her oldest was staying at the house with no issues same as mine. So then during the multiple times my wife tried to talk to her youngest about staying she got from her daughter that she just didn’t like the house and thought it wasn’t very nice I had which we were now living in. Which then put my wife into overdrive house hunting for a bigger nicer house. Which I went along with, we looked at several but none seemed to suit my wife.

Then one came up for sale literally just down the street where we were living. We went and looked at it which it was a very nice house and great location but only had 3 bedrooms and wasn’t as big as I would like. I brought up my concerns to my wife about the size and only having 3 bedrooms. Which would be an issue when the rest of my kids would come to visit because where would they stay, what would be there areas, etc etc. But it was like the wife didn’t hear or seemingly care about that and went forward with purchasing it. Her whole thought process was get the house her youngest will stay there. So got the house and moved in, her youngest had come and seen it and everything before moving and seemed excited. But once moved in and the time came for that my wife had her youngest for visitation her daughter refused still. Which of course just made everything worse and her daughter wouldn’t say why.

So before we moved and after trying to just spend time with my wife was a issue and anytime I’d bring it up caused a huge argument. Before we got married and I’d go to her house we’d spend the evening watching TV or just being around each other. Once she moved after the wedding and the issue with her daughter happened we would spend zero time together hence why she had a cable box installed in dining room. I disliked the new house because of the issues with the size but also because it had a living room and also like an attached sitting room which as soon as we moved in became two separate living rooms with TVs and seating in both. So became her living room and my living room, so the trying to spend time together got even worse.

So her daughter kept refusing and it seemed like the wife stopped caring or trying in our marriage. I felt like my priority level in her mind or life started getting less and less. I would text her during the day about random stuff or send things I wanted to bring up about our relationship, but most of the time later on I’d ask about it which she would say she hadn’t read it  and lots of times never did. She’d always say how busy she was at work, but during the day I could see her active on Snapchat plus Facebook. So have time for that but not reading or responding to your husband.

Our intimacy started getting less and less, she’d come home from work and never seemed to care or want to know how my day was because I ask about hers everyday. So it felt like every part of the marriage seemed to start fading. On the rare occasions I would try to talk to her about things it would just turn into a huge fight. So the feeling of a one-sided marriage started creeping in my head. So now it’s been little over 2 years since the wedding and still her daughter has never stayed at our home overnight. Most typical marriage things couples do have pretty much faded. Even though I have tried to discuss or communicate with her about it all it just seems like she doesn’t care what I have said or just kinda blows it off with no effort to change anything.

I love this woman more than I could ever express. Plus I think I have carried on hoping that things would get better like it was before we got married because even though had rough patches back then overall it was more than amazing. So I have no clue what to do or what to try to change this situation. From all my research and reading I’ve done about every aspect or possible solution that I have come across. So please give me guidance or suggestions on what I should do or possible options I may have. Aldo any suggestions or guidance for approaching my wife with these issues that I might not of thought of to make things better would also be greatly appreciated. 

Thank you 

Edited June 6, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, it would be pertinent that you are kind to your readers and re-format this wall of text. 

Many people will skip your post if you don't use paragraphs, 

[JTSW]

37 minutes ago, Curt74 said:

I love this woman more than I could ever express.

Unfortunately it doesn't seem like she feels the same.

She doesn't value you or your opinions at all.

She purchased a house without your agreement because she was only thinking of her and her kids, not you or yours.

She is not willing to work on anything to do with your marriage/relationship at all. She is not in it the same way you are.

She is dismissive and resentful and this will only get worse. 

You might want to consider a separation.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Curt74 said:

 . So now it’s been little over 2 years since the wedding and still her daughter has never stayed at our home overnight. 

Try to work on the logistics such as the home and the space in the house. Only get involved with your children and custody arrangements with their mother. Let your wife manage her own children and custody arrangements and coparenting.

Please stop making appointments to talk and suggesting workbooks videos and websites. It's manipulative and ineffective.  Unfortunately it seems you are trying to fix and change her. Please step away from that.

The best thing you can do is get an appointment with your physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Get some tests done. Ask for a referral to a legitimate qualified therapist for ongoing support. 

You could ask your healthcare providers and healthcare insurance to suggest a marriage counselor. Ask your wife ig she is willing to go to marriage therapy. In the meantime, please discontinue all the do-it-yourself marriage fixing . It's making your marriage an unbearable chore. 

[glows]

You say you’re disabled - are you getting the support and care you need in regards to your disability? 

Enough with the self-help and books and suggestions. If you let it rest and seek the support and care you might need for ie you may feel less dependent and desperate to change your wife. Let things settle for a bit and respect what she needs to do for her kids. 

[BaileyB]

I read about half of the story and I just got to say, two things jump out at me - 

One, she’s really not interested in talking or trying to address some of the issues in your marriage. She has sent that message loud and clear - you are trying to negotiate with a stone wall right now and I would suggest that you stop that.

Two, you moved in way too soon. She wasn’t ready, her children were not ready. You were still basically living separately when you decided to marry and uproot everyone’s life. 

I’m sorry to say, I don’t see this working out for you. Second marriages fail at a very high rate because they are hard. It’s hard to blend two lives together - particularly when there are children involved. And you are one person trying to improve your marriage right now - and that never works. 

I would kindly suggest that you begin making contingency plans should you decide to divorce. I’m not sure how long any of you can continue to live like this…