Coping with future step family!

[BettyBoo]

A quick history and then straight to the crux of the matter!

 

I have been going out with my MM for three years. Firstly, he was separated for two years before I met him and secondly I live in Irealnd where divorce is only allowed after five years of separation. He filed for divorce and his hearing was to be this week. We had planned on getting engaged this week as it is my birthday. He would have got his divorce the previous day.

 

However there was a legal cock up and his papers where not filed in time by his solicitor for this sitting of the family court so it will not be deferred till the next family court hearing three months from now.

 

The problem? Well we both want to get engaged and do not want to postpone or lives together any longer. The issues are children. He has three grown up children all mid to late 20's. His wife is bitter and quite nasty and trys to manipulate his sons. My MM and I both have a good relationship with his sons. We had planned to get our children together and tell them we got engaged. My children will be very pleased as they have a great relationship with MM. I am just concerned about his son's reactions.

 

Perhaps I should just focus on us and be happy as we dearly love each other. His children are grown up and have their own lives so really there may be no issues.

#

Have any of you any advice views or how we should tell our children? Have you been in this situation?

[foolinlove]

I guess since you are already engaged...your question is not as to if you should or not...it is how to tell his kids?

 

I would just do that...simply tell them your plans....tell them you value their blessing however it will not....your life will move on with or without their blessing. I think to be open and honest about the engagement is the best....however I do have one concern that if the wife gets wind of the news....she may postpone the divorce longer..just to spite the two of you. So ....maybe waiting til after the divorce to announce it to ANYONE would be worth the wait..I mean..you've come this far already. Why let her get her digs in anymore in your relationship?

 

truely this is a tough one.....anyone else?

[Art_Critic]

however I do have one concern that if the wife gets wind of the news....she may postpone the divorce longer..just to spite the two of you. So ....maybe waiting til after the divorce to announce it to ANYONE would be worth the wait..I mean..you've come this far already. Why let her get her digs in anymore in your relationship?

 

I like FoolinLoves' advice I think she nailed it ..

 

If the STBX is already being nasty and bitter then the writing is on the wall as to how she will react to the engagement news.

[BettyBoo]

Yes she might dig her oars in deeper or she might just realise she can't control everyone. She is a real control freak and this might just shake her up enough for her to know that she has no control of us or our relationships with her grown up children.

 

This is not the purpose of our engagement however . We want to get engaged and incidently we are Not engaged yet. My B/day is tomorrow!!

 

I can't think of how she might delay the divorce as everything is in order.

 

I suppose I just am a little scared in case of any backlash and yet the other side says 'go ahead girl life is too damn short'!!!

[BettyBoo]

I would appreciate any advice given.

 

I am engaged to be married and my fiance has three grown up sons. They are excluding of me in almost all events in their lives e.g. weddings, birthdays, graduation etc.

 

At our engagement party they left before the toast and I felt really angry that they did not stay at the party for their Dad's sake. I have told my fiance how I feel about their treatment of me. He has spoken to them but they continue to be excluding. The strange thing about it they are nice to my face but I am unsure of how they really are. I tried talking to one of them when he recently excluded me from his birthday party. He said that his mother was not bringing anyone so therefore neither should his dad. I am aware that his ex wife makes life very difficult for them. However they are all grown men ranging from 21-30 and are responsible for their own choices.

 

I have three children (two who are adult) and one who is 11 years old. They all treat my fiance with respect and are inclusive of him in everything.

 

I am really getting sick of the whole situation and wonder how I can deal with it. This is not going to go away there will always be events in his childrens lives . Am I to be excluded from everything? I feel I can't stand it anymore and I am at my wits end so much that I am close to calling the engagement off. I love my fiance but this is driving a wedge between us.

 

Please if you have any advice I would appreciate it. Thanks

[Shana]

Unfort. Dad finding new love and a new soon to be wife at their ages of 21-30 is harder then bringing a new wife in if the kids were 10-14. They will adjust but it will take lots more time then it would if they are younger.

 

Maybe they resent the fact that their dad is remarring but in return they are not respecting their Dad and letting him be happy either - which is not fair. How do they feel about disrespecting their dad because they are doing the same to you?

 

Your children are accepting your soon to be husband because they want YOU to be happy. They obviously are not selfish kids, something you should be proud about nonetheless.

 

I cannot really give you any advice but seems like maybe there is something his kids are not OK with, with him, not you and this is their way of showing how they feel... even if it is hurting you - (someone their dad loves) make sense?

 

Good luck and CONGRATS!

[quankanne]

just write them off. Or rather, write off their bad behavior. They cannot help being raised in a barn/by wolves and are too weak to know any better. Reach an agreement with their dad that while you will go along with their wishes, you don't necessarily care for their treatment of you because it's childish and it's wrong. I think that by doing this, something's going to go "ping" inside their heads when they realize that you're being a lady about, and hopefully, they'll start doing the right thing by you because from what you've written, it sounds like there's hope for them. However, I wouldn't hold my breath waiting for that to happen TOO quickly because it sounds like their mom has a strong influence over them.

 

meanwhile, take pride in the fact that your children are much more well-mannered than your step-kids, and that you and your kids can be the role models here.

 

best of luck to you ...

[Hot Coco]

This is a no-brainer. Ive "been there done that" so I know. First of all, DO NOT WRITE IT OFF! It will only get worse. You have to nip this in the bud BEFORE you get married. The problem really isn't with the stepkids. It's with your fiance!

 

He should not be going to ANY family functions without you. You aren't just a "date." You're his fiance. If they tell their Dad that Mom isn't bringing anyone, your Dad should tell them that either BOTH of you go, or he doesn't go. Period. Sounds like they're calling all the shots and your fiance' is wimping out. Where's his loyalty to YOU?

 

I wouldn't tolerate this for a second. You need to stand up to your fiance as that's where the REAL problem lies. You get what you ask for. You need to clue him in on how things should work or this will continue into your marriage.

 

Let us know how it goes. And good luck!

[BettyBoo]

thanks for both replies. I am feeling very hurt at them moment and I suppose that's why I feel so angry. I do feel my fiance should not go to any function I am excluded from. He has talked to them about the matter and yet when his son's birthday came and his graduation I was excluded. My fiance went briefly to both and NO I do not think that is good enough on his part.

 

You said in the last post that you have been there ? What happened and how did you deal with it?

 

I am finding it very hard to cope with and it really is effecting my feelings of joy and love that I had when we got engaged. Right now I don't even want them at my wedding!!! I know this is just how I am feeling now.

 

I don't feel that any more talking to my fiance will help as I have discussed this with him before and we had it out. I just think I should vote with my feet right now.

[Hot Coco]

Betty, when I said "been there, done that" I meant Ive gone through all of the stepkid/stepfamily issues. My H always felt caught in the middle and we had problems at first. When he finally realized that we're a couple and also a family, things started to get better. Your fiance shouldn't feel like he's caught in the middle. You're a couple and those are his kids and he needs to put his foot down with them. I seriously doubt that they will say "if you bring Betty, don't come." He needs to say "Betty and I will be happy to come." As if no other alternative is acceptable...which it isn't.

 

What does your fiance say when you try to talk to him about this? It's really very disloyal on his part to go to these family events without you. Does he say it will continue like that AFTER you're married as well. Hate to say this but I'd hold off on the wedding until this issue is resolved because if you feel like this NOW when you're not even married yet, well it will feel a LOT worse AFTER you're married. I think that would send him a message as to how serious you are about this. I'd tell him you need to put the wedding on hold until this is resolved. If he can't see his way to include you in family gatherings and insist on it, then you'll know where his loyalties lie...not with you.

 

This is serious. What does he tell you when you discuss it? Does he get mad? Id let him know how much this hurts you and that engaged/married couples don't act this way. You're either a family or you're not.

 

The fact that you don't have the same feelings of joy that you had before should tell you that something is wrong here. This is no way to start a marriage. You really should resolve this before you get married.

[Mz. Pixie]

Okay some questions I have-

 

1. How long have the parents been divorced??

 

2. Were you the OW in any way, shape or fashion??

 

3. Who wanted the divorce, the dad or the mom?

[Hot Coco]

Good questions, Pixie but you know what? They're irrelevant to the issue at hand. The fact of the matter is that Betty's fiance picked her as his partner he wants to share his life with. Sharing your life certainly involves sharing your family. I see your points on some of those questions but really, the answers have no effect on the issue at hand.

 

There really is no negotiating or compromising on this one, as I see it. He either wants to share his life with you or he doesn't. You can't agree to only share parts of someone's life when you get married.

[Outcast]

He should not be going to ANY family functions without you.

 

I completely disagree. If the mother is intractable and likely to make everyone's life miserable, it's gracious of him to attend the significant events in his kids' lives and he'd be resentful if he couldn't.

 

Essentially this is the mother's problem. What the kids should be doing is inviting both parents to come with their partners and telling them each other will be there. It is then up to the parents to solve their own issues around the divorce and that's what the kids need to tell their mother.

 

If, however, this is one of those people who is impossible to deal with, then strike a compromise with your husband. If absolutely necessary, he may attend graduations and weddings (once-in-a-lifetime events) - and come home after the main events - but that for everything else he has to tell them that they accept you or he won't be there.

[Hot Coco]

It's not the mother's problem if it bothers Betty. And understandbly, it does. Also, it's the KIDS as I understand it who are requesting that Dad (and Mom) come without their SO's. But that's all irrelevant as well.

 

If he should only go to once-in-a-lifetime events without Betty, does that mean that they don't need to come to Betty and fiance's wedding?

 

No, they're a couple about to be married. They either come as a couple to ALL family events or they should not go at all. I don't think it's gracious of her fiance at all. It's wimpy and disloyal. My H ended agreeing with me on all of this and saw that he was being bullied by ex-W. Once he started standing up to her and she saw that he wasn't going to back down, she backed off (to the point where we're all friends!)

 

Stick to your guns, Betty. You'll only regret it later, if you don't. I'd still like to know how he can justify going to family functions without you.

[Outcast]

It's not the mother's problem if it bothers Betty.

 

It's the mother's problem that she hasn't gotten over the divorce. Then again, we haven't heard from Betty whether she was the reason for the divorce.

 

If he should only go to once-in-a-lifetime events without Betty, does that mean that they don't need to come to Betty and fiance's wedding?

 

Of course not. They will be invited (as will she?) and they can choose to attend or not. It's unlikely they won't attend since she won't be attending.

 

I don't think it's gracious of her fiance at all. It's wimpy and disloyal.

 

Adult life requires that you acknowledge situations that are beyond your control and accommodate them graciously. If the mother is a nutjob, and some are, then both he and his children will suffer if he misses the significant events in their life. It is unkind and unfair to call him 'wimpy and disloyal' for that. They are his children, after all. If these were your children, you'd be at those weddings, I'm sure.

[Hot Coco]

Of course I'd be at the weddings and various events if those were my kids...but I'd be there WITH my fiance/spouse. I would not let my kids bully me in that way and I would not be disrespectful to my spouse.

 

And no, it's BETTY'S problem NOT the mother's. It's not important whether the mother has gotten over the divorce or not. What IS important is that they ARE divorced and the ADULT children need to understand that and as you say,

 

"Adult life requires that you acknowledge situations that are beyond your control and accommodate them graciously"

 

Couldn't agree MORE with that statement...but it's the place of the fiance AND the kids to act graciously here.

 

I will concede something...IF Betty was an OW. THEN, and ONLY then can I perhaps see why the kids wouldn't want her there. NO other reason though, that I can think of, warrants the disrespect and lack of grace that fiance and his kids have shown Betty. So yeah, Betty if YOU were the reason for the divorce then, I'm afraid you wouldn't really have a leg to stand on here.

 

Otherwise, STICK TO YOUR GUNS!

 

Also, just a thought but have you tried to talk to his ex. It worked for me but I don't know what your situation is.

[Outcast]

And no, it's BETTY'S problem NOT the mother's.

 

You fail to comprehend. Mommy needs to get over the divorce. Not sure how many other ways to say it so you'll get it.

[Hot Coco]

And I'm not sure how many ways I can say it so that you understand that it's irrelevant to this situation whether Mommy is over the divorce or not. They're all ADULTS! If Mommy isn't over the divorce then she should stay home when Daddy and fiancee/spouse attend functions.

 

I know from experience though that this won't happen...of course every one is different but this is a form of bullying if it's coming from Mommy. If Daddy puts his foot down, I'm quite sure Mommy will "get over it" fast and STILL attend functions.

 

You're just not seeing it, I know.

 

So, Betty can you give us anymore information? Is this coming from the EX?

[Outcast]

No, Mommy should probably get counselling.

[Hot Coco]

No, Mommy should probably get counselling.

 

Yes, maybe she should get counseling. But Daddy still shouldn't back down. She can get counseling while still attending her children's events regardless of whether her ex and his fiance are there.

 

So Betty where are you?

[BettyBoo]

Thanks guys for your responses.

 

I met my fiance in 2002. His marriage was already over three years. (1999) We are together three years now. So NO I was not the other woman. His wife was having affairs throughout the marriage resulting in the birth of their youngest son now 21. To answer the other questioned posed -my fiance was the one who filed for divorce.

 

She is with a new man now but is adamant that I am not to be included in anything. I have met her and she does not acknowledge me at all . SHe is from what people tell me "nasty". I don't know as I have never talked to her. I do not think it would be possible to have a chat with her as I think it would make matters worse. This woman is 15 years my senior and acts like a child. Yes she does use her children telling her eldest son she would not attend his wedding if I was invited., Sadly, my fiance who was my boyfriend at the time went., Although I do understand why.

 

But thats in the past and it is the future I worry about. My fiance is mad at the way his children behave but not mad enough. He told them not to tell him of any further events if I am not included. So the youngest son did not give my fiance a ticket for his graduation to get in. I was furious at how he was treating him and when my fiance suggsted we wait outside and congraulate him I refused. I will not be treated like this by anyone. My fiance went and waited, congratulated him and then left.

 

I'm sorry for droning on but if other people have been through it like hot coco (and many thanks for your advice) I am grateful to hear your views.

[Hot Coco]

Thanks guys for your responses.

 

I met my fiance in 2002. His marriage was already over three years. (1999) We are together three years now. So NO I was not the other woman. His wife was having affairs throughout the marriage resulting in the birth of their youngest son now 21. To answer the other questioned posed -my fiance was the one who filed for divorce.

 

She is with a new man now but is adamant that I am not to be included in anything. I have met her and she does not acknowledge me at all . SHe is from what people tell me "nasty". I don't know as I have never talked to her. I do not think it would be possible to have a chat with her as I think it would make matters worse. This woman is 15 years my senior and acts like a child. Yes she does use her children telling her eldest son she would not attend his wedding if I was invited., Sadly, my fiance who was my boyfriend at the time went., Although I do understand why.

 

But thats in the past and it is the future I worry about. My fiance is mad at the way his children behave but not mad enough. He told them not to tell him of any further events if I am not included. So the youngest son did not give my fiance a ticket for his graduation to get in. I was furious at how he was treating him and when my fiance suggsted we wait outside and congraulate him I refused. I will not be treated like this by anyone. My fiance went and waited, congratulated him and then left.

 

I'm sorry for droning on but if other people have been through it like hot coco (and many thanks for your advice) I am grateful to hear your views.

 

You're welcome Betty. Sounds to me like you're fiance IS putting his foot down. I'm confused because you've said you had it out with him as if he weren't seeing your side at all. But this graduation event tells me he handled it correctly.

 

I can also understand when you were his girlfriend why he went but he seems to realize that it's different now. And you're right...doesn't sound like you can talk to her at this point. That may change down the line when you're married.

 

So is it really still a problem? It really sounds to me like your fiance is doing the right things by you. The EX is trying to bully him just like my H's ex...but BELIEVE ME, when you stand up to them, they back down. I was always afraid that she would choose to not go to an event and I'd be cast as the bad guy for depriving stepkid of mom, but guess what? That never happened. She wasn't about to miss out on her kid's event because of ME! It was a little risky move on our parts but it paid off. She never tried to bully us/kid again.

 

Tell your husband this. It's true. Try it out and see.

[Outcast]

I was in a situation with an ex like that.

 

He told them not to tell him of any further events if I am not included. So the youngest son did not give my fiance a ticket for his graduation to get in. I was furious at how he was treating him and when my fiance suggsted we wait outside and congraulate him I refused. I will not be treated like this by anyone. My fiance went and waited, congratulated him and then left.

 

So he's already dealt with it. You cannot continue to give your fiance grief over this. He has told them to leave him out if you're not invited. There's the solution. You cannot change their minds and you cannot make him change their minds. At this point you have to let it go.

[Hot Coco]

"I was in a situation with an ex like that."

 

So what happened? The ex made you stay home and you accepted it? You guys let the x bully? Is any of this the reason why he's now your ex? Just curious...perhaps it will help Betty's situation to know a little more about your situation with your ex.

[Mz. Pixie]

Okay, well she has had plenty of time to adjust and so have the kids. This is their issue but he should deal with it.

 

I however, would not suggest that my fiance stay home from a important family event just because I wasn't invited. These are his kids. I would hope that he would stand up for me but if he didn't I would not order him not to go.