Hot Coco Posted November 8, 2005 Share Posted November 8, 2005 Okay, well she has had plenty of time to adjust and so have the kids. This is their issue but he should deal with it. I however, would not suggest that my fiance stay home from a important family event just because I wasn't invited. These are his kids. I would hope that he would stand up for me but if he didn't I would not order him not to go. I wouldn't order him to go either. I would explain to him how hurt it would make me feel that we're engaged and that he will only share part of his life with me. In fact, I'd call off the engagement. But order him? No. You're right though. She (X) has had plenty of time to adjust that's why I don't think that's the issue. She just wants it her way or no way (bully) Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted November 9, 2005 Share Posted November 9, 2005 So what happened? The ex made you stay home and you accepted it? I wasn't 'made' to stay home. I decided the kids needed their parents and they didn't need grief so I stayed away. It wasn't about me; it was about what was best for them. The ex's ex was a fruitcake who caused the kids enough stress. There was nothing to be gained by me insisting upon being there if it was only going to increase the drama. The kids wanted me there but understood the situation. The ex's ex agreed on other occasions to attend but sit far away and there were no opportunities for us to interact. You guys let the x bully? Like I already said; one has to understand the situations one can affect and the ones one cannot. This was the latter. The person clearly needed counselling but since that wasn't happening and there were the kids' feelings to take into account, I put them first. I wasn't about to stand on principle if that was going to hurt them in the end. Is any of this the reason why he's now your ex? Not at all. That had nothing to do with it. I wanted whatever was best for those kids. I've seen enough adults screwed up due to lack of a good relationship with their parents. I was not ever going to stand in the way of that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BettyBoo Posted November 9, 2005 Author Share Posted November 9, 2005 I know I need to just get on with it and not let it get me down. The truth is my stomach gets in a knot now thinking about upcoming events. I know it sounds crazy but instead of looking forward to upcoming events in his family I feel a sense of dread. I suppose I should hang on and see what happens at the next event. I know the problem lies with me but I have conducted myself in a mature. loving and dignified way for the past three years. I suppose I just feel worn donw and vulnerable in this situation at the moment. Part of me feels I want to lash out! Like I've had enough. I think Hot Coco you make excellent sense in that I need to set my boundaries which I did with him and then act accordingly. ALso the other postings are helping me get a sense of balance now. Being part of a step family is really difficult. I never thought it would be easy but I did think that human kindness, calm and a sense of fairness would prevail. I think his youngest son gets a real kick out of excluding me which I find really hurtful. When children are minors I can understand there is a need for a lot more sensitivity but this guys are all adults one is married with children of his own and they all live out of the family home. I suppose time will tell. Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted November 9, 2005 Share Posted November 9, 2005 Our worst problems come from our having expectations that are unrealized. Know that and lose the expectations. Unfortunately, not every human grows up to be a reasonable, kind, considerate person and being upset that they aren't only disturbs your own peace. Remember the Serenity Prayer. This is one of those things you cannot change so you need to learn to accept ot. As long as you keep wishing it were different, you'll be wishing for something that's probably impossible - a pointless exercise doomed to failure. Expect this will happen every time and resolve to accept it as a fact of life. Link to post Share on other sites
Hot Coco Posted November 9, 2005 Share Posted November 9, 2005 Sounds to me like you're handling it very well. And don't lose your expectations of being treated with respect. Stick to your boundaries. These things do have a way of sorting themselves out. I have found that the dynamic changes (for the better) AFTER marriage. So if you can hang in there and still let it be known how you feel about this, you might find that the situation will improve with time. They'll relax and you will too. In the meantime, attend the events with your head held high and be friendly and mature like you have been. Yes, you can even greet the X as much as you don't like her. Very often in these situations, it gets worse before it gets better...but you know what? It DOES get better! Keep us updated. I think a LOT of us go through this and it might help others to keep up with the progression of this situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Lil Honey Posted November 9, 2005 Share Posted November 9, 2005 I have to agree with Hot Coco. I think that the Dad is doing a great disservice to his future wife AND his kids. He is not showing her that he values her and will go only to the events where she is welcome. He is not showing his kids that he demands respect for his future wife and his choice in her. I think that he shouldn't go where she isn't welcome. Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted November 9, 2005 Share Posted November 9, 2005 If you would read the entire thread, you would find that Dad has said he would not go when she is not invited. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BettyBoo Posted November 13, 2005 Author Share Posted November 13, 2005 Thanks to everyone for their posts. I will keep you posted. I do hope things change as life is SO much more pleasant when people are civilised. In the meantime I will get on with life and let go of what I can't change:) Link to post Share on other sites
reader Posted November 13, 2005 Share Posted November 13, 2005 Betty, I've read the thread - been there, done that. The kids are being manipulated by the mother, even though they are too old for this. Their loyalty is obviously with her, for whatever reasons. He should not go without you. It is wrong, controlling and beneath all of them. The kids might not ever figure it out, it will be their problem. The wife has too many problems and it's not your problem that she does. Make a good life for yourself. This issue may or may not go away, but you need to find out if your future husband will be steady about this. I worked with my kids about this issue, I told them where and when I would draw the line, and I stuck to my guns. I maintain NC with the ex, and am polite and to the point during any social interactions. I never let him cross the line, thinking we will be friends. We won't. I let my kids make their own decisions, and they know they will live with them. They see their father when they want to, and it has worked out fine. No one is left out, and it doesn't matter to me if I'm liked or not by his 2nd wife. It's none of my business. My kids and my family are my business. I know it seems sad that their father will miss out on some events - but the kids are the ones who can change that. Take care, Reader Link to post Share on other sites
Author BettyBoo Posted November 13, 2005 Author Share Posted November 13, 2005 Reader I wish all ex's had your maturity! I know second marraiges have a lot of difficulties due to step children. Or at least the potential depending on how the adults behave. It's unfortuanate that we have few guidelines as to how people should behave in the best interests of their children. It seems to me that when people divorce that some people think it gives them a licence to act less than human., That all social etiquette, good manners and common decency goes out the window. That the rest of our lives should be dedicated to mke each other as miserable as possible. I certainly do not subscribe to this but it does seem that many do?! Link to post Share on other sites
tinktronik Posted November 14, 2005 Share Posted November 14, 2005 hello, Ive read this posts and the replies. I just dont understand why it is imparative that s/o 's be invited at all.You are not a family member.You are not a parent to any of these grown men.You dident have anything to do with the upbringing of these boys and is it a big deal that you should be invited? Why? Just move on , dont be non inclusive , if they are interested ok theyll come around ,if not then they wont . They dont have to welcome anyone to their family if they dont want, their adults.My mother remarried once I was an adult , I dident feel all pressured to invite her husband anywhere , because I was an adult and had my own life.As did my mother.It was no big deal.Ill tell you what has created problems though, my grandfather remarried after my grandmother died, to a fairly nice woman, but immediatly she started getting her feelings hurt and pushing to be a part of the family, to be included. It would have been no big deal if things had just naturally progressed ,with time, but instead it put pressure on everyone, now years later everyone is still awkward , not due to her being married to g-p but due to her pussiness and forcing things instead of waiting them out. You cant force anyone to do anything, and the pushier you get the more resistance youll get in return.And do you really want to start a relationship off giving the new fiance an ultimatum about you or his kids, is this really necesary? Just some advice... Link to post Share on other sites
Hot Coco Posted November 14, 2005 Share Posted November 14, 2005 Of course the grown kids don't have to accept her but her fiance doesn't have to accept his kids' decisions either (and it sounds like he isn't...good for him!) They're disrespectful of their father by not being respectful to his fiance. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BettyBoo Posted November 14, 2005 Author Share Posted November 14, 2005 I don't believe I have ever been pushy . I know what you are saying and I agree that pushing to be part of a family is going to close doors. However, I am part or will be when we marry of an extended family and think that acting as if 'I don't exist' is not ok. You are right I had no part in his previous family life as he had no part in mine. But that has changed - he and I are now family as are my chidren. Do you think because his sons were not 'my' creation that I should exclude them? Surely not! Human decency and good manners are not reliant whether we like someone or not - it's a way of being in the world- to treat others as we would like to be treated. I do believe in time it will change. They are acting out their mothers bitterness and rage - she does not want them to be part of our lives which is sad as they would so benefit. I have no intention of being dictated to by her or indeed them,. I choose my own way of being. Deliberately excluding people is nasty. If I was excluded on the basis of any other issue it woud be seen as discrimination. My only crime is loving their father. I have not split the family up or acted badly. I appreciate your post as it is good to hear from someone who has been in the situation from the child's point of view., Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
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