My husband confessed that got his AP Pregnant

[Gianna76]

Where to start. I've been married 7 yrs. My husband and I have a beautiful son who is 4. We have had a beautiful marriage, we own a  successful business, have a huge super close family. We had a wonderful sex life until my husband started his affair with an employee. 

He just stopped touching me, no sex. He would turn me down!! No hugging or kissing. He wouldn't even hold my hand, he canceled date nights. His demeanor had changed, he seemed anxious, distant, short with me. He acted as if I really annoyed him. It really hurt my feelings. I began to withdrawal from him. I kept to myself,  I would wait until he was asleep before I would go to bed.

I found out that the affair lasted for two months. I had asked him if there was something going on, why he hadn't touched me. Had he fallen out of love with me? I asked him if he wasn't attracted to me anymore? He would get quiet.

 Finally one nightnafter he had stood me up on a date night, he failed to show up at the restaurant, saying he was "Very tired". I confronted him at home. I told him if he has fallen out of love with me, please just be honest and let me know. If I had done something to make him not want me anymore? I am very fit physically and I take care of myself,  so I know it's not my weight.

He broke down, full on tears and trembling. I knew in my gut in my heart he was going to confess to cheating.  

 He admitted that he had been sleeping with our companies Director of Marketing. They often worked closely and late after hours often alone. He said it's been killing him, the sneaking around and lying. He confessed that he was with  Her, during a recent business trip,  she took a pregnancy test and she's pregnant with his baby.

I recall her wanting to cancel, she had been sick, but told me it was a stomach bug. She decided she would attend this meeting  anyway. I thought  nothing of it. She's in love with my husband, refuses to  abort the baby, she told my husband, she wants to leave the state, raise the baby, she doesn't want to hurt me??!! She was afraid I would find out!!? I did confront her. I did fire her. I put my husband out of the house. I have not spoken to him, I want to be clear and level headed when I do. 

I'm absolutely blindsided by this. Her betrayal,  she was like a younger sister to me, I really loved her. My husband has been trying hard to regain my trust and forgiveness. He has given me space to sort everything out, said he will do whatever I need to make me happy. I am feeling the only option is divorce. But everything is deep and raw. I'm not thinking straight. I'm in shock! We have not sat down and hashed along this out. Our family is heartbroken. My husband is pleading with me to talk to him. To seek counseling with him. He says he knows he has [messed] up. But this is unforgivable! I know that I have to sit and talk with him. Sooner than later. I am just hurting and disgusted. I dont want to regret calling it quits. I love him. I dont want my son growing up in a broken home. I'm am hurt, broken and confused. 

Edited June 8, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[glows]

I’m sorry to hear this. If you’re anything like I was I wanted answers swiftly and the answers from the correct professionals. Speak with a lawyer if you have questions about your affairs. 

I’d be concerned that this wasn’t just a fling or one time affair. It was ongoing and likely much longer than just two months for her to be so deeply in love and wanting to keep the baby. That there is a child involved means that she will always be in your husband’s life as will that child. 

You can’t change what’s happened but you can think about how you want to set any boundaries if the relationship is over for you. Or, how you wish to create boundaries for the new family he has with someone else should you continue your marriage. You can speak with a qualified therapist. It helps having that neutral third party support.

[Lotsgoingon]

So sorry this happened. You're in hell right now. In hell, in torment, in devastation, reality has been shattered. If I didn't know about this thing, what else do I not know about? Your narrative of your life of your married life has been shattered. 

Unfortunately there is nothing you can do right now to get out of the state of misery and devastation that you're trapped in. You could say the marriage is over and move out and you'd be miserable. You could stay with him and go day to day and you'd be miserable. But this misery will pass. It just won't quickly pass. And dang you know the woman and thought of her as a sister.

This is the best short video I've seen on what couples can do after an affair. I used to think it was wimpy to stay in marriage after an affair. I no longer think that. So no need to shame yourself for staying in the marriage for now and no need to shame yourself for wanting to stay in the marriage right now. 

 

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, Gianna76 said:

I did fire her. I put my husband out of the house. I have not spoken to him. I am feeling the only option is divorce. 

Sorry this happened. Good idea not to communicate with him until the dust settles and you have concrete legal advice on how to proceed.

Definitely speak to an attorney for advice on how to navigate this including the throwing him out of the marital home and other options in divorce. 

If she's your  and your husband's employee, you may also need some professional labor law advice.  Additionally, this mistress can cause a whole host of trouble with DNA tests, child support etc. 

The mess your husband caused has wide ranging legal and financial issues. Even though you fired her, your husband is the problem because basically getting an employee pregnant and then firing her is sexual harassment.

Please see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Get some tests done, especially STD testing since obviously there was unprotected sex.

Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. You'll need someone to help you navigate your way through this and the divorce.

But most of all you'll need legal advice to clean up the mess your husband made in your marriage and business.

[BaileyB]

You don’t have to make a decision right now. You can take as long as you need before you talk to him and even before you decide to divorce or reconcile. 

It’s good that you have put him out - you need time and you can’t find your own way if he is in the house pressuring you to forgive and reconcile. Personally, I would tell your very well meaning family to shut it - this is your marriage and this is not their problem or their decision. 

If you haven’t found yourself a counsellor and a lawyer, I would do both.

Keep in mind, you can file for divorce and change your mind. People even reconcile and do counselling/give it a chance only to decide six month, or two years, or ten years down the road that they can’t do it - they want to divorce. 

I would focus on self care right now and loving your child - take your time with the decision so that you know that whatever you decide is the right decision for you and your son. 

I’m so very sorry that this has happened to you.

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Even though you fired her, your husband is the problem because basically getting an employee pregnant and then firing her is sexual harassment.

She has a case for sexual harassment and perhaps even a case for wrongful dismissal. It is good advice wiseman, you will want to contact a family/divorce lawyer and a labour lawyer Gianna. 

[Lotsgoingon]

Yeah, I didn't mention the firing because I figure that's low priority right now.  But yes, when you're up to it, consult a labor lawyer. But right now you just need to survive. 

OP, I think you have to open up to friends at some point. The embarrassment and shame will push you to keep to yourself, but you need lots of love and support right now. And for that you have to talk to people. If you aren't up for that right now, then how about going to a therapist for yourself! Not for the marriage, but right now for yourself. A place where you care share freely and openly and get support. 

[mark clemson]

17 hours ago, Gianna76 said:

 I have not spoken to him, I want to be clear and level headed when I do. 

I'm absolutely blindsided by this... My husband is pleading with me to talk to him. To seek counseling with him. He says he knows he has [messed] up. But this is unforgivable! I know that I have to sit and talk with him. Sooner than later. I am just hurting and disgusted. I dont want to regret calling it quits. I love him. I dont want my son growing up in a broken home. I'm am hurt, broken and confused. 

Consider taking two weeks to let this settle just a bit and get in touch with what you really want before taking a next step. Consider letting your husband know you need this time to reflect and "see where your own head is at" and so asking that he leave you alone until you can come to grips with all this.

Perhaps after that time you'll have a clearer picture of what your next steps should be.

[Gianna76]

To the poster who mentioned the affair may have been longer than 2 months. I dont know, I don't believe it was. From the behavior of my husband, I think I can tell when he started lying and sneaking. It's not in his character to be a good liar. He's terrible at being deceitful. 

With her being in love with him. I think for her it is infatuation. My husband is a very handsome man, and I think she read into it more than she should have. I dont believe his feelings are mutual. But I could be completely wrong. I am obviously not one to judge, because I didn't even realize my husband was sleeping with this woman. I have gone for a STD check the whole panel. My husband hasn't laid as much as a finger on me in MONTHS! so I don't think having a STD is a risk. 

My most awkward issue right now is work. I have to see him to work and I can be decent and professional, but he isnt. He seems desperate and scared. Today he shows up at our home, I opted to work from home as much as I can and not stir up problems. He comes with lunch and tons of questions of why I'm not in the office. Saying he is concerned about me. Apologized a million times. I just want work to be my moment of clarity. The business will not survive unless he and I work together.  I think I have the burden of worrying about my livelihood now. I can't lose my company too. 

I understand there can be problems from her due to me firing her. I dont know. She has pretty much shamed herself out of the business. Its a smallish business.  Pretty close knit and she realizes she is not welcome or comfortable here. She has pretty much fired herself. She's ashamed. Her excuse is that she fell in love with my husband. She has apologized to me. Sent flowers and a letter trying to explain her actions. All of which means nothing to me. I did love her! I feel such a loss because I lost a dear friend and my best friend my husband. So this is very different than my husband impregnating a woman I don't know. This is awful. 

 

[glows]

That was me. The affair might have been longer than two months poster. There are likely a lot of scenarios going on right now but you’re right about staying focused on work. He can come by if he wants but set some boundaries and if you have to work state he’s not welcome to come by during x and y times due to work. Start setting up appointments for anything work related and discuss work only. Redirect him to a therapist or private counselling if he needs to discuss as you are not his therapist. 

You’ve mentioned here you need time to think or for clarity so action that and make it happen. Don’t expect someone to read or know your mind and then respect it. There is maybe 0.00000000001% of the population immensely intuitive and respectful at this level. The vast majority certainly are not. Seeing as there are so many heightened emotions at play all the more reason to set some clear boundaries in regards to meetings and work.

Edited June 8, 2023 by glows

[Lotsgoingon]

Sounds like your husband is afraid that you might hurt yourself--so it makes sense he would check on you at home.

Sounds like you're hanging in there--I know ... what does that mean?

Just keep giving yourself what you need. If you need to grab a hotel or motel room to do some work, do that. If you need to send him to a motel, do that. You say you have to work with him--I assume you mean speak with him about a lot of business decisions since you guys are joint owners. Do the minimum. If he can think, give him more work to do. 

Is there a girl friend or brother or sister or cousin you could call right now? You need to sit with someone, ideally someone who can hold you and listen as you describe what's going on. 

 

 

[BaileyB]

57 minutes ago, Gianna76 said:

My most awkward issue right now is work. I have to see him to work and I can be decent and professional, but he isnt. He seems desperate and scared. Today he shows up at our home, I opted to work from home as much as I can and not stir up problems. He comes with lunch and tons of questions of why I'm not in the office. Saying he is concerned about me. Apologized a million times. I just want work to be my moment of clarity.

I would tell him that I am 100% sure that I will file for divorce if he doesn’t respect my boundaries and leave me alone. 

Reconciliation happens/or does not happen on your terms and your timeline - not his. I understand that he is terrified to lose his marriage and his business right now - but he slept with a woman that he employed and got her pregnant. This isn’t a small mistake that can be swept under the rug - this was a catastrophically poor error of judgment that may indeed have a catastrophically poor outcome for him. Surely, he can’t expect to come home and continue as usual at home and at work after he has impregnated another woman?

You set the boundaries here - I am going to take some distance to allow myself some time to hear my own thoughts and you are going to respect that please. I will work at home, we will deal with each other as needed but only in a professionally capacity. And, he is not allowed to bring you lunch or come by after work… if he fails to respect your boundaries, then that tells you that he’s not serious about doing whatever is required for reconciliation. 

If he wants to do something to help himself feel better and show you that he is committed to healing this (if possible), he should find a counsellor and get himself into intensive counselling - at least once a week right now. Whether you decide to reconcile or divorce, it will be the single best decision that he can make for himself right now. 

[JTSW]

12 hours ago, Gianna76 said:

the affair may have been longer than 2 months. I dont know, I don't believe it was.

Have they said how many weeks pregnant she is?

They had to have been harbouring feelings for each other for quite a while to get this deep of a connection.

[Wiseman2]

12 hours ago, Gianna76 said:

With her being in love with him. I dont believe his feelings are mutual. 

Your husband is the problem. You and this employee (and unfortunately an unborn child) are collateral damage of his selfish impulse hedonistic behavior.  Unfortunately you took your wrath out on her.

So now you have an unfaithful husband and an unemployed pregnant woman carrying your husband's child. Please consult an attorney for information and advice. Getting rid of her won't solve the multitude of financial and legal and marital problems your husband created 

 

Edited June 9, 2023 by Wiseman2

[JTSW]

12 hours ago, Gianna76 said:

With her being in love with him. I think for her it is infatuation. My husband is a very handsome man, and I think she read into it more than she should have. I dont believe his feelings are mutual.

It sounds like this is what you want to believe.

You are hoping that they didn't fall in love with each other.

[Lotsgoingon]

OP, update us. How you doin'? 

[Grumpy Bob]

Hmm, you say that you don't want to lose your business...  But you do realise that eventually she is going to sue you, and depending on the courts where you are this will be either bad or catastrophic.  Saying she "shamed herself out of the business" doesn't make an ounce of difference, and honestly you need to dial that attitude back.  

I realise you probably don't want to hear that, but this could end up costing you everything.  I earnestly suggest you get a good lawyer, asap, and get him to negotiate a binding settlement, BEFORE she decides to get vindictive.  NB:  This story about her leaving and not wanting to hurt you?  BS.  If that were the case she would have gone without even telling him (or better yet not screwed him in the first place.)  Get to your lawyer before she gets to hers.

As for your husband, well nobody can tell you how you should feel, and only you are in a position to judge the future.

But I would say this, in my experience, this goes one of two ways with him.  Either he made a mistake, and it will scare him so badly that he'll never stray again.  OR, he made a choice, doesn't like the consequences, but would likely make the same choice again, and you will NEVER be able to trust him.  Only you can make that judgement, but don't rush it.  

My ex was unfaithful early in our marriage and as a result one my children (that I love dearly) isn't biologically mine.  I just ignored her infidelity, but I guess it's easier in my situation than yours.

And don't be scared of the prospect of starting again.  You still have plenty of time to kick him to the kerb, and go on and have a great life.

One final point, don't interpret his lack on interest in you, as a sign of guilt or shame, that he "felt so terrible about what he was doing."  If anything, it's quite possibly the opposite.  It's possible he was screwing around "because he could," and because of the allure of "forbidden fruit."  Then because he was getting his jollies elsewhere, he saw no need to bother with you.  That selfishness, is sadly typical of a narcissist.

[Ageless Wisdom23]

How can a loving and loyal woman even trust a man like this again?  It was one thing to Cheat, But to get her pregnant where he will need to be in the baby's life now?  Any decent man would.  It is your choice to take him back.  But the co worker who is Pregnant, May not let this go and get him for child support. And it will only lead with a Baby in Toy Land, More problems down the rough relationship road for you both.  I think you wou😑ld regret not having gotten out of all of that mess.  And you'd have to Wonder, Would he cheat again?

Edited June 10, 2023 by Ageless Wisdom23

[stillafool]

On 6/8/2023 at 4:42 PM, Gianna76 said:

With her being in love with him. I think for her it is infatuation. My husband is a very handsome man, and I think she read into it more than she should have. I dont believe his feelings are mutual. But I could be completely wrong. I am obviously not one to judge, because I didn't even realize my husband was sleeping with this woman. I have gone for a STD check the whole panel. My husband hasn't laid as much as a finger on me in MONTHS! so I don't think having a STD is a risk.

Don't be so sure that your husbands feelings for this girl aren't serious.  After all he didn't lay a finger on you for months which isn't normal for most MM in affairs who are just looking for extra sex on the side.  His actions indicate he'd fallen for her.  What's more concerning at this stage is she's pregnant and apparently going to have his baby.  That will draw them closer together.  He will have to see her and communicate with her about their child.  He will also have to pay child support which will affect your finances.  This is very serious.  Do you and your husband have children?

Edited June 10, 2023 by stillafool

[ExpatInItaly]

On 6/8/2023 at 10:42 PM, Gianna76 said:

My husband hasn't laid as much as a finger on me in MONTHS!

The above is how you know the below isn't accurate:

On 6/8/2023 at 10:42 PM, Gianna76 said:

To the poster who mentioned the affair may have been longer than 2 months. I dont know, I don't believe it was.

This has been going on longer than you want to believe. Whenever the sex dried up is when he started falling for her. 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Whenever the sex dried up is when he started falling for her. 

And if that isn’t what it means, then there were likely much deeper problems for your husband/your marriage than you may have known.

It’s not uncommon for a woman to distance from her husband when she is involved in an affair… it seems far less likely for a man. Most married men continue to have sex with their wives (assuming that they share a healthy sex life) while enjoying a little extra on the side. So either he fell deeply for this other woman and/or he had really checked out of your marriage for some time… things to consider when he is begging for you to reconcile. 

Edited June 10, 2023 by BaileyB

[Gianna76]

I appreciate all the comments, they have been helpful. I had a pretty rough evening. I don't know what to believe anymore. Maybe he did fall in love with her. I said he hadn't touched me in months. I don't know maybe it has been going on longer?? I told my husband that I wanted a divorce. I explained to him, I don't believe we can fix our marriage. I don't want to be a part of a marriage where the other woman has my husbands baby. I don't want to be a wife that is always questioning her husbands whereabouts, always suspect of where he is, what he is doing. I know he doesn't want that either, that just spells misery. I can't live that way. 

 He did not take this well. He was extremely upset. He refused to leave the house, he was begging me to work on us. I told him NO! I think I made a mistake in telling him that I don't love him anymore. He became enraged. punched the wall. He was in tears. saying I don't mean what I am saying, I am just hurt and confused and he can and will fix us. I was gentle, I said, that, I don't believe that he can. and I am sorry. I have spoken to a Lawyer, and there is a way we can divide the business and I can work on my  or branch off my specialty. Which I am now planning. It will be 50/50. Fair. 

 He refuses to allow cooler heads to make this easier on us. I told him, he has a new family. He has a child who needs him. She will need him. He needs to man up and take care of his responsibilities. He says he will. I know he will. But he still refuses to let me go. I thought he left, he actually drove away, but some how returned and he overheard a conversation I was having with my sister. I was telling her, I plan to leave the city. I want to leave the state. He waited until the phone call was over. He heard everything. I was on speaker phone. I was talking while cleaning, so I was on full blast he knows all my plans.

 He did confront me. He corners me and he seemed very angry, but also upset. He went from begging me not to leave him, saying I am just speaking out of pain, to saying he was going to force the AP to abort this child. He leaves and he goes to her apartment, and there was a altercation. He attacked her, he was cursing her. He threatened her life. Saying she got pregnant on purpose. She did call 911 and he was arrested. He is out, thanks to his brother. She calls me and tells me everything that happened. She just wants to leave, be near her family. She is afraid of him. I am afraid of him. This is so far out of control now. He has lost his mind. 

He has been calling and texting me.  I have blocked his number, I pray he doesn't show up at the house. I cannot legally keep him away, and I cant have a restraining order because he hasn't done anything to me yet to file for one. I don't believe he will harm me. I just want no part in what is going on between them anymore. I just want to file for divorce and heal. But I am afraid to do anything. He is obviously not in a healthy state of mind. He has had a temper in the past. With other men, never anything directed at me. But, now that he has crossed the line with her, I don't know what to think. He told her he hated her, he wants to take her life! I'm no fan but she didn't deserve this. He choked her and threw her to the ground. She was in the ER. She says she is almost three months pregnant. Which is early. She says they had unprotected sex and he came inside her, she said she brought it up during a Gyno visit and took a pregnancy test. Something told her she was pregnant. She just felt it, I questioned her because you usually don't know so early. But that is beside the point now. 

 I do pray she and the baby are well.I don't know what will become of my husband. This is just so hard. My world is upside down. I just need to think. I need to clear my mind. I feel sick I can't eat or sleep. I have lost weight. Not feeling well since all of this. This is why my husband is saying he is concerned, my family is saying the same. I notice it as well.  I am not okay. I just feel lost and do not know what to do. Now this incident has compounded everything. I could use some prayers!!

[Lotsgoingon]

Of course you are not well. You would have to be insane to be well at this time. Of course, you're all over the place and confused and hurt. Of course!

So no need to criticize yourself for being all over the place. You are human and 99.9 percent--scratch that!--100 percent of all sane humans would be as enraged and sad and confused as you are. Which is another way of saying you are dealing in reality. This situation calls for confusion and anguish. 

Wow, your husband really lost it. Violence against the woman. OMG! That's not good. That's actually scary. And disturbing.  It's like he reverted to some immature, juvenile state--as opposed to facing up to the reality of his situation, as horrible as it is. Or maybe this really was in him all along and that anger might be connected to why he got into this ridiculous situation. Some kind of disturbing lack of self-control perhaps.

Quick and dumb question: has he seen official forms that she is pregnant? Is she showing? Something struck me as weird about her having the intuition that she was pregnant. 

Don't worry about him overhearing your sister. You do not want to take care of his feelings at this time. It's hard enough to take care of your own feelings. You're the one who is in agony here. You are the who has been betrayed and cheated on. He doesn't get to object to your anger. Actually I think you can tell him this. Sounds as if he's in some denial about your rage and hurt. Which is weird! 

I'm glad you're talking to your sister (while cleaning--good to give your body something to do when talking). Keep talking to her. I would also talk to another friend if you can. You deserve lots of support and because this is such a crisis, people often have trouble thinking clearly. So even though I'm sure your sister is sharp, I'd share your predicament with another person as well. 

Can you afford to stay at a hotel or motel for a week? Or even a few days? Might be good for you, give you some space. Order food delivery and spend time with yourself. Go meet with a friend for dinner or drinks (be careful!--you really have reason to drink OMG) and then return to your own space. 

My heart goes out to you. So sorry this is happening to you. I might also recommend you get to a therapist. Call one up and tell them it's an emergency. It is! And go twice a week. I think support can help you feel more sane. And you do need to keep an eye on hubby's anger at you. That fear you experienced, don't ignore that. I'm not saying he's going to attack you, but don't totally exclude that possibility either.

Therapy is another way to get some emotional hugs at this point. And therapy is good for blocking shame--for not blaming yourself in any kind of way. And it would be good to think out loud about hubby’s level of anger and whether or not you are in danger.

In a crisis like this, you’re probably going to be tempted to feel like you missed something, that you were dumb or naive. If those thoughts pop up, don't believe them! That's just your mind in survival mode. This is in no way your fault.

 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Gianna76 said:

I feel sick I can't eat or sleep. I have lost weight. Not feeling well since all of this. This is why my husband is saying he is concerned, my family is saying the same.

It’s completely understandable that you have lost weight and you can not sleep - this is a huge trauma. 

If you need, talk to your doctor about medication as one option - just short term, to help you to sleep. 

It’s time to focus on your own health and well being. If you can, go and stay with your family for a few days. Gather your support system. Find a good counsellor. Go for a walk. Go to the beach. Self care is of primary importance right now.

What your husband has done to you and now to his affair partner is not ok. I obviously have not been through the same experience, but I don’t think I could forgive this either. It’s just so hard.

I wish you some rest tonight. As Liz said in eat, pray, love - rest now. You do not need to solve any of these problems tonight. Tomorrow is another day. Take care. 

Edited June 11, 2023 by BaileyB

[Lotsgoingon]

OMG yes, I second telling your doctor about your stress. If there's ever a time for some calming meds, this is it!!!!!!!!!!!!