My husband confessed that got his AP Pregnant

[Gianna76]

On 6/15/2023 at 9:25 AM, stillafool said:

I agree.  It's funny that they would shame her but not him out of the "organization".  He's the one who made vows to you, why isn't he shamed out?

She absolutely shamed herself. Women looked up to her, respectfully.  She was definitely held to a higher standard. More was expected of her. Especially when she was invited in to our families lives and we empowered women. Ge wasn't involved with others as she was. Especially the young women we work with and set example for. 

[stillafool]

39 minutes ago, Gianna76 said:

She absolutely shamed herself. Women looked up to her, respectfully.  She was definitely held to a higher standard. More was expected of her. Especially when she was invited in to our families lives and we empowered women. Ge wasn't involved with others as she was. Especially the young women we work with and set example for. 

So no one held him accountable.  This is so typical that even women, in this day and age, blame the woman and make her wear a scarlet letter because the MM wanted and seduced her into the affair.  Your group holds her to a higher standard, even though your husband made the vows to you.  Nice.  So because GE wasn't involved with them he's let off scott free.  No wonder he's a self entitled narcissist.  You are right to divorce him because you can be sure he will do this again.  No one holds him accountable.  He'd still be doing her if she hadn't gotten pregnant.  He will do this again.

Edited June 17, 2023 by stillafool

[Gianna76]

I would like to clarify that she will not be suing anyone, she knows the contract she signed when hired, she was the one who made it clear she was quitting and leaving all before she was told she's no longer needed for services. When I have spoken to her,  it wasn't as friends, I was informed of what my husband had done to her. She was also needing permission to return equipment.  She is absolutely shamed out of the company. My employees are more than just employees. They know my husband only through business,  he doesn't interact with the women personally.  I do I hired them, we've all been friends for years. She can't bare to see anyone. She's lied and betrayed not just me, but the trust of our friends. Her actions have now affected her religious standing as well, she's now being excommunicated from her church. From what I know of her religion, her immediate will no longer have communication with her either. 

My husband is not looked at with any respect either. I'm sure he's feeling the shame as well. Which affects dealings with our business partners especially after he assulted her. It's not going well for either of them. She's shamed because she was a part of a close knit sisterhood. He is not. 

I do have legal counsel. I have been for business and pending divorce. I understand that he cannot be trusted! This whole situation has changed him, at a core level. It has changed the dynamics of everything! He has lost the respect of so many! He put himself in a terrible position with family, friends in the community now the word is out that this man has assulted a woman! Add to it this woman is his AP and pregnant. He is expecting a child he absolutely does not want. His family (his parents) have made it clear they want nothing to do with the child and his father will not speak to him, a d has gone as far as saying to not to shame his family name any further by giving this "bastard" their last name. I Don't agree, the baby is innocent. It will be broken from the start because the AP will no longer have the support of her family. They are strictly religious they're Jehovah's Witnesses and they have already disassociated themselves with her. 

This is extremely hard for me not just the affair but the innocent life they have hurt (the baby) all due to the stupid choices they made. She was more than just my husbands AP she is someone who was like a  sister to me and it does hurt me knowing she has destroyed so many lives. I'm hurt that my husband betrayed me. I know there is no fixing this mess. It's so overwhelming. I just want to get out of all of this and put it behind me. Its just terrible how a stupid choice ruined everything that was good.

[Lotsgoingon]

That sister bond, what a betrayal. Must be gut wrenching. 

Glad to hear you got legal counsel!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You are showing such generosity and basic decency (at an impossibly difficult time) by mentioning the innocence of the child. 

[stillafool]

9 minutes ago, Gianna76 said:

He is expecting a child he absolutely does not want. His family (his parents) have made it clear they want nothing to do with the child and his father will not speak to him, a d has gone as far as saying to not to shame his family name any further by giving this "bastard" their last name. I Don't agree, the baby is innocent. It will be broken from the start because the AP will no longer have the support of her family. They are strictly religious they're Jehovah's Witnesses and they have already disassociated themselves with her. 

If your husband didn't want a baby what was preventing him from wearing a condom?  My goodness his parents don't sound any better than him to call their grandchild a "bastard".  I don't agree that the little baby will be broken even if this lady's family doesn't support it.  It, as well as her, can still have a wonderful and fulfilling life.  I've seen so many parents be disappointed about the circumstances that brought their grand children in this world it's not funny.  Yet, when they look at that little face and into those eyes; many quickly change their position, because afterall, the baby is innocent and that's their blood.  Blood is very powerful and always thicker than water.

[BaileyB]

50 minutes ago, Gianna76 said:

Its just terrible how a stupid choice ruined everything that was good.

In time, you may come to see that this “stupid choice” that “ruined” everything was actually a blessing in disguise. You don’t want to be married to a man who could betray you this way. You don’t want to be married to a man who could assault a woman the way that he assaulted his pregnant affair partner. This was the man that you married - he has not changed. You just didn’t know him for who he really was then… but, you do now. 

You want the life that you thought you had but that life is gone now. Maybe, it never really existed… 

Edited June 17, 2023 by BaileyB

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Gianna76 said:

 she has destroyed so many lives. 

And your husband didn't? Hopefully you will get clarity and relief soon. It must be painful to realize what type of man you married.

[S2B]

Your husband can only blame himself. He could have worn a condom.

and your initial post referring to a beautiful marriage? It always shocks me when betrayed spouses say that knowing their spouse cheated on them.

it wasn’t beautiful - it was awful - he made it terrible. 
 

he should only be mad at himself - he is responsible for how HE participated.

I wouldn’t keep talking to the OW. I also would keep any and all contact with him to the minimum - as minimal as possible.

[basil67]

2 hours ago, Gianna76 said:

She can't bare to see anyone. She's lied and betrayed not just me, but the trust of our friends. Her actions have now affected her religious standing as well, she's now being excommunicated from her church. From what I know of her religion, her immediate [family] will no longer have communication with her either. 

The church and her family sound like a bunch of horrible people and she's well rid of them.  No forgiveness, no support, no love.  I hate to think of all the mistakes made by those people who shun her, but simply by the grace of not getting caught, they are not shunned.  For the sake of her child, I hope she moves away and can reinvent herself and be included in community.  

Let him who is without sin cast the first stone

[Gianna76]

On 6/16/2023 at 8:29 PM, stillafool said:

If your husband didn't want a baby what was preventing him from wearing a condom?  My goodness his parents don't sound any better than him to call their grandchild a "bastard".  I don't agree that the little baby will be broken even if this lady's family doesn't support it.  It, as well as her, can still have a wonderful and fulfilling life.  I've seen so many parents be disappointed about the circumstances that brought their grand children in this world it's not funny.  Yet, when they look at that little face and into those eyes; many quickly change their position, because afterall, the baby is innocent and that's their blood.  Blood is very powerful and always thicker than water.

That would be the good outcome.  But I have known of Grown adults who have never known their families because they're excommunicated by Jehovah's Witnesses,  through fault of the parent. Her family will not acknowledge her existence. They literally consider her dead. That's what is disturbing me. Yes she wronged me, but  I don't believe she deserves to be condemned for life. Especially the baby. On my soon to be ex husband side, I hope they will come around. 

Edited June 18, 2023 by Gianna76
Adding

[Gianna76]

On 6/16/2023 at 9:25 PM, Wiseman2 said:

And your husband didn't? Hopefully you will get clarity and relief soon. It must be painful to realize what type of man you married.

Well if anyone read my post it fully discusses they both destroyed not only their lives, but everyone that used to care about them. Even the life of a unborn child.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Gianna76 said:

. Especially the baby. On my soon to be ex husband side, I hope they will come around. 

Try not to worry about her, her family or your husband.  You have no control over that. Since you have a child with this man, his next child will be your child's half-sibling. That's the only concern perhaps in the future when your child has visitation with your husband.  The only other concern is the divorce and custody and visitation. It's understandable you're hurt and angry, however people here are attempting to help you.

Edited June 18, 2023 by Wiseman2

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, Gianna76 said:

Her family will not acknowledge her existence. They literally consider her dead.

How would you know this?  Did you talk to them about her?  People get disappointed by the actions of loved ones but end up forgiving them and welcoming them back into the family, especially when a baby is involved.  A baby in a family is always a blessing.

 

1 hour ago, Gianna76 said:

Well if anyone read my post it fully discusses they both destroyed not only their lives, but everyone that used to care about them. Even the life of a unborn child.

I happen to know a Jehovah Witness couple who's daughter had a baby out of wedlock and she and the baby are now living with her parents.  They love and adore their daughter and their grand child.  This child's life is far from destroyed, and that is a mean thing to say about the child.

[glows]

Gianna,

Do you mind me asking how you feel about the end of your marriage or the divorce? Are you ready to say goodbye to the marriage? The reason I ask is because many things seem in turmoil right now and while I don’t support cheating or infidelity I am asking in the hopes that your thought process has less and less to do with her and more to do with getting on track with your other responsibilities as a parent or with the business. 

As a mother I think you worry for this unborn child even if it pains you or causes such frustration and anger because of what your husband has done but you can’t control what others are doing or how they react. Sad, yes. But it doesn’t make you less of a person or less of a mother yourself. Speaking of which, how has your own son been responding to all this? I see he’s very young. 

Edited June 18, 2023 by glows

[basil67]

10 hours ago, Gianna76 said:

Well if anyone read my post it fully discusses they both destroyed not only their lives, but everyone that used to care about them. Even the life of a unborn child.

Kindly, the bolded is a bit dramatic.  The woman involved did not destroy the life of those who used to care, nor did she destroy the life of her child.   That her family and friends have turned their backs to her and the child is 100% on them and their beliefs.  I'm sure she will love her child and give it a wonderful life...or place it up for adoption with a caring family.   She will start over and the child will be OK

If this were my daughter, I'd be disappointed but never turn my back on her or the child.  

Edited June 18, 2023 by basil67

[BaileyB]

16 minutes ago, basil67 said:

She will start over and the child will be OK

Indeed, she will start over and raise her child (hopefully) with love and devotion. He will start over, just as you will start over and move forward with your own child… What is a big deal to friends and family now will become another story in their lives and they turn their attention back to their own lives (as people always do) and move on… Not to minimize the upheaval now, but life goes on and it will go on for everyone involved in this situation too…

[IrinaM]

On 6/13/2023 at 7:02 AM, Gianna76 said:

This morning I put in a petition for a restraining order– It can be filed by anyone who is the victim of any act of domestic violence, which I am not. So it was denied. I was told it is meant for Victims and my husband has not harmed me. His temper tantrum doesn't count. 

[you might want to seek legal advice]

Edited June 21, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Gianna76]

On 6/18/2023 at 10:28 AM, stillafool said:

How would you know this?  Did you talk to them about her?  People get disappointed by the actions of loved ones but end up forgiving them and welcoming them back into the family, especially when a baby is involved.  A baby in a family is always a blessing.

 

I happen to know a Jehovah Witness couple who's daughter had a baby out of wedlock and she and the baby are now living with her parents.  They love and adore their daughter and their grand child.  This child's life is far from destroyed, and that is a mean thing to say about the child.

Well that family has gone against the religions beliefs and they are probably shunned by the organization. She was a close friend. Another Co worker was raised in this organization and they definitely do not condone family members associating with "Disfellowshipped" ex members. Which she is apparently on the path to. There are a few that go against this, but they will lose privileges and or be shunned, can't go in field service. They're extreme. As I said a mutual friend/ Co worker was raised in this organization. She refused to return, so they disassociated from her. She has 3 kids early 20s they have never met the JW family members. Her Father lost is elder privileges for associating with her. He eventual stopped. So what I said is far from mean. It's a fact. Its mean how this organization is ran. I dont agree with this disfellowshipping, but I will say I have worked on projects with JWs and they are absolutely the most honest, and kind people I have ever met. Maybe there is good reason they shun women like her. I mean look at what she has done. It would tarnish the organization I'm sure if they kept her around. I have no problem with JW. They just hold high standards. I was raised Roman Catholic.  We have similar strict customs as well. 

[JakeT]

You need to see a lawer ASAP.  First the first woman who files for Child Support will get the bigger amount.  You already have a child you can file now.  The AP is going to file for support, or if she try’s to go on a government program they will make her file. 
you must protect yourself.   
You really think your DH is not going to want to see his kid and AP ?  You want to be that type of sisterwife   
This type of thing where a child is born doesn’t work out 

[mark clemson]

19 hours ago, Gianna76 said:

 I dont agree with this disfellowshipping, but I will say I have worked on projects with JWs and they are absolutely the most honest, and kind people I have ever met.

It certainly doesn't seem kind to take away a person's social support structure, including their own immediate family, when they are pregnant. Seems exceedingly callous to me. Perhaps you are mistaking passivity for kindness or, like most people, they are "kind" only in certain contexts but not in others.

It seems odd you find time to justify other people's (cruel from some perspectives) religious practices on an anonymous forum while your own life is being blown up by your husband's cheating. Seems to me you should be focused on trying to keep the trainwreck from getting any worse. How is running your half of the business you co-own going? No pre-emptive contact with lawyers to get the lay of the land WRT how to deal with this mess?

[stillafool]

On 6/19/2023 at 4:31 PM, Gianna76 said:

I was raised Roman Catholic.  We have similar strict customs as well. 

My JW friend said one can ask for forgiveness and they will be accepted back if they promise to not make that sin again.  The same with Roman Catholics who are Christians.

[Starswillshine]

I think we are coming down quite harshly on the OP. 

She is dealing with the downfall of her family and life as she knew it. She is facing repercussions of being betrayed by her husband and her friend.

She has every right to be angry and bash the OW. While I know and understand why everyone is coming at her, I don't think at this time, it would be very receptive. She is getting beaten up emotionally by what others have done to her and she comes to a place of support, and we are telling her she is wrong, etc. 

Yes, her husband was the worst one here (if we HAVE to rank them), but it does not relieve the OW of her responsibility in creating this mess as well. She was well aware the man was married and she was a friend to OP. OW is NOT a victim here. The only victims here are OP, her children, and the innocent child being born from this insane cluster f. OP should have zero reason to feel anything but bitterness towards her former friend. 

I know we, as women, don't like for the women to get all the blame as it feels we are letting the husband off the hook. But I don't think OP is doing that, at all. It is completely natural and normal for her to criticize this other woman. 

[Gianna76]

On 6/18/2023 at 7:04 PM, BaileyB said:

Indeed, she will start over and raise her child (hopefully) with love and devotion. He will start over, just as you will start over and move forward with your own child… What is a big deal to friends and family now will become another story in their lives and they turn their attention back to their own lives (as people always do) and move on… Not to minimize the upheaval now, but life goes on and it will go on for everyone involved in this situation too…

I absolutely agree. I am questioning her mental stability. I hope I am wrong, and I hope she will realize she has a life depending on her.  I have already began to move on. I just wish them all the best at this point. Not my concern any more. 

[Lotsgoingon]

Sounds like you are letting go some and moving on.

The bad news is that this situation will haunt you for a while. Right now, your adrenaline is pumping, your body and brain are in emergency hope to keep you alive and up and functioning and able to defend yourself.

Down the line, and it may not be too long, there's a good chance you will crash. You may not, but likely you will. That's the point to go to therapy and/or to call up all the people you trust and start hanging out with the most supportive people in your life.

Do NOT try to grit your way through this alone. Doing it alone will be the temptation. So sorry to hear of the continued threats apparently by your ex. I hate to tell you: those reports will bother you. How could they not? Just weeks ago, you trusted this person. You may have a crisis in trusting men in the future. That's OK. You can move through that. 

[mark clemson]

TBQH, I find it hard to believe that your Ex husband (who you will not be divorced from for at a minimum several weeks, more likely several months and with who you'll divide assets and share visitation rights with), his desperate ex-good friend, ex-employee, ex-GF who is pregnant with his child, and your children's half sibling could possibly be "not your concern."

I apologize if that isn't "supportive," but honestly it seems mind-boggling to me that anyone could possibly feel that way in such a situation. I mean - they are very likely going to be a BIG concern for quite some time. Yes, one can eventually detach to a large extent, but messy divorces such as what you've been describing are not a "dust off one's hands and walk away" situation for those stuck in them. Real life isn't a TV movie where everything's fixed up tidily after a few cut scenes.

Edited June 21, 2023 by mark clemson