My husband confessed that got his AP Pregnant

[Gianna76]

17 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

TBQH, I find it hard to believe that your Ex husband (who you will not be divorced from for at a minimum several weeks, more likely several months and with who you'll divide assets and share visitation rights with), his desperate ex-good friend, ex-employee, ex-GF who is pregnant with his child, and your children's half sibling could possibly be "not your concern."

I apologize if that isn't "supportive," but honestly it seems mind-boggling to me that anyone could possibly feel that way in such a situation. I mean - they are very likely going to be a BIG concern for quite some time. Yes, one can eventually detach to a large extent, but messy divorces such as what you've been describing are not a "dust off one's hands and walk away" situation for those stuck in them. Real life isn't a TV movie where everything's fixed up tidily after a few cut scenes.

I have walked away. I have a home my brother is remodeling for me and my child. I have the assets I need. He can have the house, he will need it for the new family. I have a mediator that will handle the visits with our child. I have no reason to ever deal with my Ex again. I'm a quiet and independent woman. I don't cause a stir. I mind my own business. I am currently working on a new business and it is my focus. My life is better without the turmoil. I care for my Ex husband, but  see he is toxic, I don't like what he has done to my life and I do have the ability to just walk away from the drama. 

[mark clemson]

So it seems you've gone from life blowing up to "it's all mostly settled" in about two weeks? And there are no asset divisions and custody issues coming up, no chasing or other issues being created on his part (beyond what you've already described)?  Your STB-X husband who's been violent towards women and will share custody with your child is, really, not a worry...

If I were to give credulity to that I'd say good for you, I suppose. You must be super-organized and, it sounds like, super-fortunate in many ways (your husband's putative recent behavior would be a MAJOR exception, of course). From everything I read here and know of from life experience generally, there is a quite strong tendency for people in such high-drama and "explosive" situations as you describe to not make it out to so quickly and readily as this. Perhaps you can at least count your blessings on that aspect.

Edited June 21, 2023 by mark clemson

[Gianna76]

5 hours ago, mark clemson said:

So it seems you've gone from life blowing up to "it's all mostly settled" in about two weeks? And there are no asset divisions and custody issues coming up, no chasing or other issues being created on his part (beyond what you've already described)?  Your STB-X husband who's been violent towards women and will share custody with your child is, really, not a worry...

If I were to give credulity to that I'd say good for you, I suppose. You must be super-organized and, it sounds like, super-fortunate in many ways (your husband's putative recent behavior would be a MAJOR exception, of course). From everything I read here and know of from life experience generally, there is a quite strong tendency for people in such high-drama and "explosive" situations as you describe to not make it out to so quickly and readily as this. Perhaps you can at least count your blessings on that aspect.

I am blessed to be able to walk away. I only have my child and my business. The home was his home prior to marriage. I ask for nothing. I drive a car that's paid for. We were excellent at not accruing debt. Didn't get into credit cards, and materialistic nonsense. Learned that from my Father. Custody will be simple, I have a child attorney who has  discussed the visitation/co-parenting etc. I made it clear. I want nothing to do with my Ex. Especially with all the drama that he has. I want my child safe. That's all I ask. So the divorce should be fairly simple. As long as no one is contesting anything. His girlfriend was back over the weekend, there was another blow up between them. Why? I do not know. I just heard through the grapevine! Police were involved and so was another man, who is claiming he's the father of the baby. He's the boyfriend she secretly had and was being cheated on??? It's just so, so much. Too much. When my Ex dropped our child off he asked if I had heard what happened. I said yes. I wanted to go into a rant, but he stopped me. He apologized. He apologized for putting me through all this. I told him I want a divorce. I want to be left alone. I cannot live like this. I want no parts. He agreed. He really has seemed to back down. He sees the mess he is in. Thank God I guess he has realized it is unfair to hurt me and drag me anymore. 

[Alvi]

2 hours ago, Gianna76 said:

His girlfriend was back over the weekend, there was another blow up between them. Why? I do not know.

So, after all said and done they got together back again it seems. Even him getting violent with her didn't stop her from seeing him. Even a restraining order didn't stop him from seeing her. What a toxic couple they make. The altercation probably occurred when he learned that he may not be a father after all. Are you sure you want your child around these toxic individuals? Whatever they do is going to affect your son sooner or later.  Are you sure it is wise for him to have access to your child at this point? What if your son says or does something that you husband is not going to like? You know how kids can be. How is he going to react to that you think? This is a guy who got violet with a pregnant woman. A woman who he impregnated (well, he may not be the father. bit still). I think you need to move hell and heaven to keep this individual out of your son's life. At least for the time being. 

2 hours ago, Gianna76 said:

Thank God I guess he has realized it is unfair to hurt me and drag me anymore. 

I don't think this is about you at all. He probably doesn't care much about what you think or about hurting you. He has his little girlfriend, who might be pregnant with his kid, so it doesn't matter for him whether or not you want him back. More than likely, he doesn't want to be back. Not that you should ever take him back, Please, don't ever think about getting back with this individual.

2 hours ago, Gianna76 said:

I ask for nothing.

Are you sure this is a wise approach? This is not about you but about your son and about what is fair to your son. Don't cheat your son out of what he might be entitled to because you want to be a super strong independent woman. Rather take whatever you may be entitled to. With the help of a good lawyer that is. Do you really wan that other woman to get a bigger piece of a pie just because you are too proud? Don't get me wrong but it sounds like you are hurting now and want nothing to do with him or his money. But you need to focus ahead of time once a dust is settled. Don't get cheated out of what is rightfully yours. Of course, hire a good attorney and follow their advice. 

 

9 hours ago, Gianna76 said:

He can have the house, he will need it for the new family.

You and your son are the family too so don't be so magnanimous. You owe this guy and his girlfriend absolutely nothing. Don't think about their comfort or whatever they need.  Think about your needs.Focus on what is best for you and your child.

. 

[mark clemson]

I guess all's well that ends well, as they say. I most certainly wish you the best of luck with the new business venture that you started in the two week period you were filing for divorce, contacting a Child Attorney, running a business, moving to a new home, dealing with your husband's arrest and AP drama, and functioning effectively as a single mother.

[Gianna76]

7 hours ago, mark clemson said:

I guess all's well that ends well, as they say. I most certainly wish you the best of luck with the new business venture that you started in the two week period you were filing for divorce, contacting a Child Attorney, running a business, moving to a new home, dealing with your husband's arrest and AP drama, and functioning effectively as a single mother.

Well that's quite a disgusting quote for divorce, that is due to infidelity. If you think I'm a Fenom accomplishing a business venture in two weeks that's actually been in the works since 2019. I'll take it. It only takes a single consultation with a good Lawyer to know how to get your s*** together. I'm certain my 0% BS tolerance helped me to make up my mind as well.  Aside from your underhanded snide remarks. Not sure if your trying to be funny? or you really think that was called for. All will be well. I'm not a single Mother, my kid has a father that's involved. So I'm not doing anything "alone" . Also how you bundle all the drama of my Ex into my life matters like"His Arrest" is very narrow minded. It doesn't involve me. I'm not dealing with it. Anyway... Maybe you should have a little more class when your dealing with people going through the throws of Divorce. Especially when it involves the lives of children. Take Care

[Gianna76]

21 hours ago, Alvi said:

So, after all said and done they got together back again it seems. Even him getting violent with her didn't stop her from seeing him. Even a restraining order didn't stop him from seeing her. What a toxic couple they make. The altercation probably occurred when he learned that he may not be a father after all. Are you sure you want your child around these toxic individuals? Whatever they do is going to affect your son sooner or later.  Are you sure it is wise for him to have access to your child at this point? What if your son says or does something that you husband is not going to like? You know how kids can be. How is he going to react to that you think? This is a guy who got violet with a pregnant woman. A woman who he impregnated (well, he may not be the father. bit still). I think you need to move hell and heaven to keep this individual out of your son's life. At least for the time being. 

I don't think this is about you at all. He probably doesn't care much about what you think or about hurting you. He has his little girlfriend, who might be pregnant with his kid, so it doesn't matter for him whether or not you want him back. More than likely, he doesn't want to be back. Not that you should ever take him back, Please, don't ever think about getting back with this individual.

Are you sure this is a wise approach? This is not about you but about your son and about what is fair to your son. Don't cheat your son out of what he might be entitled to because you want to be a super strong independent woman. Rather take whatever you may be entitled to. With the help of a good lawyer that is. Do you really wan that other woman to get a bigger piece of a pie just because you are too proud? Don't get me wrong but it sounds like you are hurting now and want nothing to do with him or his money. But you need to focus ahead of time once a dust is settled. Don't get cheated out of what is rightfully yours. Of course, hire a good attorney and follow their advice. 

 

You and your son are the family too so don't be so magnanimous. You owe this guy and his girlfriend absolutely nothing. Don't think about their comfort or whatever they need.  Think about your needs.Focus on what is best for you and your child.

. 

Thank You. I am thinking about my needs, and my child. They haven't gotten together again. She was back in town to move more items and she was with this other guy? Who had a stand off with my Ex. I just heard the nonsensical BS. I honestly don't care.

I have made arrangements, there's a attorney for my childs' interest, who has mentioned supervised visits, and anger management for his father. I don't think he would ever rage out on the child, his rage comes from realizing she isn't what he thought. It's from reality that yeah, he's going to be a father and it's going to cost him a pretty penny. He and I divided finances for our child. She will not be doing that. I'd put a lot of money on it. She is very needy and dependent on him. Now that I'm no longer in the picture, I guess she sees he has the means and the time to bank roll her? Not sure. She is very immature, or green. I think he expects her to be responsible and take care of her own financially. I think she sees dollar signs. Well it comes at a cost. I have always, made my own money. Even as a married woman I have kept my finances sound and in order. I never depended on my husband. We were 50/50. But the situation he's in now. The whole situation is toxic. I've met with my Lawyer several times, and have recieved a lot of great, practical and solid advice. I don't want that house. It was his prior to us being married. The house is large, it is beautiful, but it is also old. There are  a lot of things that need to be updated and repaired. We were discussing this before everything happened, and the cost. We even looked to sale, but the market is insane. It would have needed a lot of work, so I gladly walk away. I have a home I recieved from family years ago. It was in need of just some simple updates. We would rent it out for vacationers here and there, but it is paid for. Property taxes are low. A nice comfortable area. It's the best option for me and my child at this time. I don't want to rent, and spend money that could be put to better use than high rent prices. 

I'm certainly not putting the needs of my EX ahead of mine. What I unloaded was a lot of JUNK. Materialistic things that just weighed us down. That house. All the upkeep. My Ex lives a extravagant lifestyle, he can afford to, he pays for it. Never borrows. But I'm getting to a age of thinking about investing, getting older. The economy scares me here and I just want to live simply and make smart choices. Finally getting this business off the ground that I have been piddling with for years. It's just a new chapter. A simpler way of life, and focusing on what is important. But thank you for the concern. I appreciate it. I'm working hard at making wise decisions. I'm thinking 10 or 20 years ahead and what these choices today will do to my future. Something I didn't do much of before!

Edited June 23, 2023 by Gianna76
added info

[mark clemson]

It certainly wouldn't be kind to a person actually in that situation @Starswillshine. Generally I think I have quite a good "record" of support for the BS's on this site.

I suppose I should leave further input on this thread to those who give it credence. 🙂

Edited June 23, 2023 by mark clemson

[JakeT]

Your Stbex had a child with you. He is responsible to pay for child upbringing.  This child should not suffer because his father is not supporting him.  That his childhood is not as good as if you were still a family.  The AP is going to file for CS. That child also should have a good life. Should not have to give up on things because his BF is a loose.

If she finds for any government benefit, food stamps, Medicade, welfare.  The government is going after your ex.   
You need a lawer to get everything spelled out. And have a court order.  Visitation,  ( new FG May not want SK). Child support, ( not short bad week, month, year,). Vacations,,  Holidays, Christmas, morning, afternoon.  You don’t want to play happy Family at Christmas.

You may find another partner. Make sure the EX doesn’t play games with new partner.

Edited June 24, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed empty quote

[pepperbird2]

On 6/9/2023 at 5:50 AM, JTSW said:

Have they said how many weeks pregnant she is?

They had to have been harbouring feelings for each other for quite a while to get this deep of a connection.

Are you sure the baby is even your spouse’s? Given this woman’s track record, she’s not exactly trustworthy. 

[pepperbird2]

On 6/16/2023 at 9:01 PM, stillafool said:

So no one held him accountable.  This is so typical that even women, in this day and age, blame the woman and make her wear a scarlet letter because the MM wanted and seduced her into the affair.  Your group holds her to a higher standard, even though your husband made the vows to you.  Nice.  So because GE wasn't involved with them he's let off scott free.  No wonder he's a self entitled narcissist.  You are right to divorce him because you can be sure he will do this again.  No one holds him accountable.  He'd still be doing her if she hadn't gotten pregnant.  He will do this again.

Seduced her? Are you kidding me?

S women,we need to stop this sort of thing. We can’t ask to. E treated as adults and then act like a child when it blows up.

This person who you see as a victim slept with her friend’s husband. She knew the score, just as he did. 

Quite frankly, they both suck as people. Just because he’s the bigger jerk doesn’t make her any less of one. 

[stillafool]

On 6/27/2023 at 4:40 PM, pepperbird2 said:

Seduced her? Are you kidding me?

Yes more than likely he was the one who seduced her into the affair.  Yes she is a louse for betraying her friend and having sex with her husband.  I too always support BSs; but we as women also have to stop putting all the blame on the OW (as OP's friends to have done) making her the only villian in the affair.  Even OP said their friends hold OW to a higher standard than the husband, why?  We as women have to stop doing that.  Isn't he the one who made the vows to OP?  He would still be at it with OW if she hadn't fallen pregnant with his child and he still may be.  OP seemed to take joy from OWs family and friends shaming and turning their back on her and the little baby, but acting as if she isn't.  The baby isn't at fault here and deserves as much respect, support and love as any other child.  []

Edited June 29, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Rude

[Starswillshine]

3 hours ago, stillafool said:

Yes more than likely he was the one who seduced her into the affair.  Yes she is a louse for betraying her friend and having sex with her husband.  I too always support BSs; but we as women also have to stop putting all the blame on the OW (as OP's friends to have done) making her the only villian in the affair.  Even OP said their friends hold OW to a higher standard than the husband, why?  We as women have to stop doing that.  Isn't he the one who made the vows to OP?  He would still be at it with OW if she hadn't fallen pregnant with his child and he still may be.  OP seemed to take joy from OWs family and friends shaming and turning their back on her and the little baby, but acting as if she isn't.  The baby isn't at fault here and deserves as much respect, support and love as any other child.  Also I don't tell you what to post on this forum and I'd appreciate if you don't tell me how I should think or what to write.  Thank you.

Who is putting all the blame on the OW? I see the OP trying to divorce her WS????

And yeah, I would absolutely take joy in others shaming and turning their backs on someone who broke a moral code. Just because she is pregnant, it does not absolve her.... This OW is getting everything she deserves. And yes- he should get as much, if not more. He is losing his family.... that is A LOT of punishment. 

[stillafool]

6 hours ago, Starswillshine said:

Quote

And yeah, I would absolutely take joy in others shaming and turning their backs on someone who broke a moral code.

He without sin, let him cast the first stone.  I hope you are never in a position to need forgiveness and compassion.

Quote

Just because she is pregnant, it does not absolve her.... This OW is getting everything she deserves. And yes- he should get as much, if not more. He is losing his family.... that is A LOT of punishment. 

It's not just the OW,  there's a baby involved who does not deserve to be shunned and cast outside of it's family.  I would say MM and OW are both losing their families according to OP.  But again, the sympathy goes more to the MM. 

 

[Gianna76]

9 hours ago, stillafool said:

Yes more than likely he was the one who seduced her into the affair.  Yes she is a louse for betraying her friend and having sex with her husband.  I too always support BSs; but we as women also have to stop putting all the blame on the OW (as OP's friends to have done) making her the only villian in the affair.  Even OP said their friends hold OW to a higher standard than the husband, why?  We as women have to stop doing that.  Isn't he the one who made the vows to OP?  He would still be at it with OW if she hadn't fallen pregnant with his child and he still may be.  OP seemed to take joy from OWs family and friends shaming and turning their back on her and the little baby, but acting as if she isn't.  The baby isn't at fault here and deserves as much respect, support and love as any other child.  Also I don't tell you what to post on this forum and I'd appreciate if you don't tell me how I should think or what to write.  Thank you.

I just want to correct something you said that is VERY WRONG. I am NOT taking joy in her family shaming her. WTF? Why would I? I have said NUMEROUS times, I feel terrible for the child. Who is innocent. Noone wants this baby and it's not even in the world yet. Her family disowned her. I said that breaks my heart I said, it is terrible. I said, yes, she was wrong but she doesn't deserved to be disowned. Not by family. I can't help that no woman wants the OW around them or their husbands. Who would? Come to find out she had ANOTHER boyfriend aside from my husband. So I didn't know her when I thought she was like a younger sister. She needs a mental health check. No woman in her right mind would condone what she has done. Would you want her around you? Would you let her befriend your husband/boyfriend (if your heterosexual) ? No probably NOT! 

I feel she is getting what she deserves. My Ex definitely is getting his. He has lost Clients and Vendors because he has disgraced himself! Noone is winning here. I wish her no harm. I certainly feel terrible for the child coming into the world already judged! a child born from adultery will not do wonders for his/her self esteem. It's a horrible situation all around. If she were my daughter, as a mother, I would be disappointed. But I would never turn my back. Yes, she did something terrible. She will live with it for the rest of her life. But it doesn't mean she should lose her family! She has been shamed and shunned. I NEVER said that was okay.

[Gianna76]

6 hours ago, Starswillshine said:

Who is putting all the blame on the OW? I see the OP trying to divorce her WS????

And yeah, I would absolutely take joy in others shaming and turning their backs on someone who broke a moral code. Just because she is pregnant, it does not absolve her.... This OW is getting everything she deserves. And yes- he should get as much, if not more. He is losing his family.... that is A LOT of punishment. 

Yes. I'm divorcing him. He has lost his family. He has lost friends, he has lost work. All for what?! She was cheating on another man with him. Now, the question of who is the father is in play. See this is all a mess. I don't know who seduced who? Both sides of that coin is pathetic. The one seducing or the one being seduced. It sounds like someone who doesn't have a brain. It sounds like a rape, it sounds like your mentally weak when you a person says they have been seduced. Grown adults make mature decisions and are willing participants. They are both just a hot mess, I feel for the child. Being born in turmoil! 

[pepperbird2]

2 hours ago, Gianna76 said:

Yes. I'm divorcing him. He has lost his family. He has lost friends, he has lost work. All for what?! She was cheating on another man with him. Now, the question of who is the father is in play. See this is all a mess. I don't know who seduced who? Both sides of that coin is pathetic. The one seducing or the one being seduced. It sounds like someone who doesn't have a brain. It sounds like a rape, it sounds like your mentally weak when you a person says they have been seduced. Grown adults make mature decisions and are willing participants. They are both just a hot mess, I feel for the child. Being born in turmoil! 

Exactly. No one gave any consideration to the new little life that might be created. They are just an afterthought. 
sounds like they still are. 


 

 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Gianna76 said:

 I feel for the child. Being born in turmoil! 

Try not to add this to all your concerns. Only worry about your and your child's wellbeing and moving forward with the divorce. Whatever your husband and his mistress are up to is not your headache anymore. That's the magic of divorce.

[Lisa]

Thread closed due to OP creating multiple aliases

[Laura2020]

Several years back, my now  Ex-Husband met a woman. Started an affair. I found out after coming home a day early (sick) from a work retreat and catching them, literally in the act. In our bed. Needless to say I left him. We shared a 3 year old daughter, so I had to eventually have contact with him. It was so hard, he was I thought,  my soul mate. I thought he really loved me. For weeks he would try and contact me, show up at my work. I just couldn't bare seeing him. Weeks later he and I finally sat and talked.

He told me he never meant to hurt me. He loved me, but he had fallen into love with this other woman. He was confused as to how he could be in love with two women. 

When my marriage ended I was devastated. I was depressed. I hid it well from family and friends. I always put on a strong face. I threw myself into running marathons. I spent the time alone when my daughter was with her Dad, crying and working obsessively. I ended up meeting a man. It was amazing for a year, then he became pure evil. 

  He became physically abusive. Severely. He would beat me, every day. I  was hospitalized several times and had to tell my Ex husband that I could not meet for pick up of our daughter because I was sick, or working.

My daughter became old enough to notice that I was bruised and started telling her father. The final straw was I had my daughter for a weekend, my fiancee became upset, he beat me with my daughter in the next room, so badly that he had me rushed to the ER. My Ex of course was notified and arrived to retrieve our daughter. I was put into a coma to prevent brain swelling.  I was hospitalized for months. I was in that relationship because he was a rebound to my failed marriage.  I was so depressed.  I didn't want to live anymore. I felt so low and disgusted with myself, unlovable I felt I deserved to be beat. 

 I ended up leaving the that relationship and I sought help with depression and domestic violence.  I've been single and doing so much better.  

My ExHusband and I have become friends.  We Co-Parent well. He amd I took our daughter to Stockholm to see her grandparents. I met him there, I had never been before. It's his hometown, I stayed in a hotel. He and our daughter stayed with family. 

It's been years. We are older now! We often talk about my past with my Abusive Ex. But for the first time my Ex Husband told me that a conversation he had with my abuser,  may have triggered the abuse. He stayed with the other woman a couple years. But the whole time, he knew he made a mistake.  He was still in love with me. He attempted to tell me a few times, but didn't.  He told a friend how he felt about me, that friend told my then abusive boyfriend, and they actually got in a fight. A physical fight, over what my Husband was saying. My Ex husband admitted he knew or at least suspected that he was hitting me. He said he saw the bruises and our daughter would tell him things. 

He and I have been having long conversations often. I consider him a friend. Its been years. I am a different person now. 

 I am talking about all of this because I dont know how to handle this situation I'm in now. Which is. I slipped and had sex with my Ex-Husband. It happened after a night of us as usual drinking and talking. It was the first time I had sex in  many years so obviously, I'm not on birth control. It was irresponsible, I felt guilty right away. I  don't know why. He was all for it! He was very aggressive, or maybe it was in my mind. He didn't seem to care about me not being on any form of birth control.  The sex was INCREDIBLE  but It left me confused. Ashamed of myself. Also worried if he could have gotten me pregnant. 

My Ex-husband is now saying he's in love with me.  He wants me to be his. He has been sending flowers, when we talk he tells me he wants to make love again.  He's crazy about me. He misses me.  

 I told him I  dont want a relationship.  I've been single for so long. I dont think I can be in another relationship. 

He became upset saying. I knew that he's been in love with me. I made him fall in love more by having sex. He's confused and doesn't understand why I do not want to try for more. 

He has changed, he is a much better man.   It's not even because of our divorce and him cheating. Its been years, I've accepted that he fell out of love with me, fell in love with someone else.  I cannot control his heart.

It's my abuser. He killed me from the inside. I feel worthless and ugly and not deserving of any man. Forcing sex on me when he wanted. I never felt loved by him. He would always tell me, he can see why my husband left me for another woman. Always throwing it in my face. Comparing me to her. Because she is very pretty. 

 My trust of men has been destroyed.  And so is my judgement. I dont know what to do about my Ex-Husband. I have been so hurt and betrayed by men. I tell myself I'm just better off alone. I keep thinking he just wants sex, nothing more from me. He left me before he will leave again. So many negative thoughts funneling through my mind. 

How can he have feelings for me after so many years, he fell out of love with me. But after one sex encounter he's fallen back into love? He says sex twice. He says he feels used, because I knew how he felt. 

He came to me today, invited me to spend the holiday weekend with him and our daughter at his house. He and our daughter has plans to go boating on Lake Michigan. Fireworks on the Lake and cooking. If I say no. I feel like I am letting my daughter down. I have noticed she seems to suspect something between her father and I. She gets so excited to have him and I together.  I  think he has been telling her things. 

Am I wrong to be so hesitant? Am I letting my pain cheat me out of possibly reconciling with my Ex? Or am I wise to push him away. Mentally I'm such a mess, I just think horribly of myself. 

I'm not unattractive.  I'm Fit, I am attractive so I'm told. I don't know if I should go to his house or say no, risk making my daughter upset. Or if I say yes, I end up reinvesting in a relationship and it falls apart again. Then I couldn't forgive myself if I out myself in that situation again. Is it even appropriate to be sleeping at my Ex husband's house, after we had a one night stand. 

I just need some advice. Thank You. 

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this happened. Try to focus solely on coparenting. It's ok to be friends with your ex husband but you don't seem ready to be manipulated into reconciliation.

[MsJayne]

I'm so sorry that you went through all of that, Laura, and I'm glad that you got away from the wife-basher. How do you feel about your ex husband? You slept together so obviously there's still physical attraction, you talk and get along well, so there's also compatibility, and you have a daughter together so there'll always be that life-long bond in that regard. But do you have any anger at him for the way he changed the course of your life? It's not his fault that you got involved with an abuser, but it probably wouldn't have happened if your self-esteem had been healthy, so perhaps you dwell on that aspect? My advice would be, if you think there is hope of a reconciliation at this stage, to take it slowly but allow yourself to have that hope. Go spend that weekend being a family, talk to your ex and make sure he understands how you're feeling about the potential second failure of your relationship and how it would affect your daughter. Your success as a couple will depend on your ability to forgive him for his selfishness, and it does sound like he realised he made a terrible mistake so maybe that will be easier than you think. I would go on the weekend and see what happens, you have a right to strive for happiness, especially after all you've  been through. 

[Lotsgoingon]

Wow, so sorry to hear of the pain, both the pain from the physical abuse and the pain of the shame and self-blame and worthlessness you are experiencing. And also the pain of being cheated on by this ex who is now professing his renewed love for you.

I don’t think you are ready to date right now.

My general rule about dating is to avoid taking leaps that feel dangerous. I want to feel steady and fairly confident in my choices and I want to feel like if a relationship does not work out, I'm OK before I commit to a long-term relationship. You sound to me like you are simply too frightened and wounded and scared. I don't recommend you overrule this fear and confusion that you have. And I don’t think you can receive love and feel loved right now, no matter how “nice” your ex is.

What I do recommend highly is that you get into (or back into) some counseling-therapy for the violence you endured. And look, you were traumatized twice. First by the affair by your ex. Yes, that constitutes a trauma that usually takes years to recover from. And then you experienced an even more horrifying physical and emotional trauma at the hands of the bf. 

Clearly you have a lot of inner strength to keep going and push forward. And I'm guessing you right now feel safe as an unattached single person. Fine. Stay there. This is not the time to take premature leaps.

Seems like you are probably far enough into the healing process that you could really make a lot of progress in feeling better about yourself by finding a therapist who is really good with victims of abuse. I assume there are therapists who specialize in treating victims of domestic violence. People do experience serious PTSD from intimate violence, far worse apparently than the PTSD they experience from stranger assault. Just google domestic violence therapists for your area.

Therapy and healing is your next task, not reconciling with your ex. If you do reconcile with the ex, it should be on a trial basis and very,, very slowly done, so that you know you can put the brakes on any time. And I would not get together with him until AFTER you have found an excellent therapist. Not just someone, but someone excellent and you have that support in place as you learn to trust again.

You would also benefit from going to a domestic violence victim support group. You would meet with other women and hear their stories and share yours. Over time (and this is the magic of good support groups) you'll hear stories and feel compassion from the other women. You will see them as having dignity and worth. That compassion you feel for them will come back to you. And then as you share, they will show and feel compassion for you. A good support group heals people of that feeling of worthlessness and self-disgust. You realize you are NOT alone. You realize that good people, smart people and strong people can become victims of partner abuse. Over time, as you gain more confidence, you feel good about sharing your stories and your recovery---emphasis on recovery--with new members of the group. That’s what the focus will be: recovery, not the abuse. So now you're really pushing away the same and feeling some power in your story and in your survival. You will also see that partner violence isn't just an individual thing. There are wider society dynamics at play including violence against women.

You can start with therapy and then find a group, or you can start with a group (and you might have to check out several groups until you find one you really like) and from the group you can get recommendations for a good therapist. Individual therapy and support group together are a huge combination that will speed up your healing and get you feeling a lot better about life and about yourself much more quickly than you might think.

After a good year or so (maybe more) of treatment, you'll feel strong enough to confidently make a decision about dating anyone, including dating your ex. Or you’ll feel strong and clear that you don’t want to date anyone---and you’ll feel secure in that and not self-questioning as you are now. And you'll have this support network that you can discuss big decisions with. The beauty of a good support group is that it will include a range of people. There will be people from various economic backgrounds. There will be people who are much further along the process of healing (mentors), so much further along that it'll be hard to imagine that ten years earlier they were in despair and hopelessness. Those older mentors are really inspiring.

I say tell your ex the blunt truth. I am not ready to commit to any relationship right now. I'm still suffering the trauma from the affair (with you!) and from the physical abuse of the evil abuser. I do not have the energy in myself to love another person. I don't even right now have much energy to love myself.  The trauma is still very much with me and it's not deep down. It's on the surface. I don't trust men and as good as you are now, I don't trust you. I even have shame for having sex with you, and I'm terrified of having done that. And if you really care about me, I need to listen to my words. 

FWIW, forgive yourself about the sex. You and the ex have longstanding feelings. But you do need to get your ex out of denial. He has fallen back in love with you and is thinking, oh, everything will be good now. I love you, and my love will help you heal.  He's lost in the world of denial and minimization of your pain and  your trauma and PTSD and the depth of your self-rejection. Oh, and if you just had sex, go to the pharmacy and get a day-after pill.

To answer your question directly, you are not sufficiently healed and not secure enough in yourself to risk getting involved with one of the people who traumatized you—or with anyone right now. You need to rebuild your defenses and your sense of worth and goodness. You need to let go of that shame (as impossible as that sounds right now).

Absolutely say no. And go get some help.

You can't really heal from this stuff by yourself. You need lots of love, support and connection and professional guidance to help you along.

[Lisa]

@Gianna76 and @Laura2020 are the same member