My husband confessed that got his AP Pregnant

[ExpatInItaly]

I am sorry this has gone so far off the rails. Your husband sounds unhinged and dangerous. 

Have you got a safe place to stay for a while? I would not want to be alone in the home knowing this man had free access to it. He is not in his right mind and I would trust him at all to not turn his rage on you. 

Concentrate on getting some help in dealing with the tremendous stress you are under. Then focus on lining up your ducks for divorce. This marriage is dead in the water, and you will someday be so much happier without him in your life. 

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, Gianna76 said:

. She did call 911 and he was arrested.  She is afraid of him. I am afraid of him. . I cannot legally keep him away, and I cant have a restraining order because he hasn't done anything to me yet to file for one. I don't believe he will harm me.

You have enough to get a restraining order. Please do so.  He now has an arrest record. He's homicidal and you're playing with fire. 

[JTSW]

From what you describes, it does sound like she got pregnant on purpose.

Everyone knows where unprotected sex leads to so I'm guessing she claimed she was on the pill.

This would explain why he is so furious with her.

She tricked him and its pushed him over the edge.

It's his own fault though. It's not her actions that broke your marriage.

They both have to live with the consequences.

[Wiseman2]

On 6/10/2023 at 9:22 PM, Gianna76 said:

 . He leaves and he goes to her apartment, and there was a altercation. He attacked her, he was cursing her. He threatened her life. Saying she got pregnant on purpose. She did call 911 and he was arrested. 

Your husband is a dangerous man. You and this woman are victims. Stop blaming her for "getting pregnant on purpose". Your homicidal husband is the problem. Now on top of your civil legal problems firing her, your husband has created criminal problems. 

This woman was wise to call the police and have him arrested. You need to protect yourself as well. She is not to blame for his outrageous assault.

You absolutely have grounds for a restraining order since he was recently arrested. Please contact an attorney and law enforcement asap.

Your life is in danger. Going to her place threatening to kill her is not a sign that he wants to reconcile, it's a sign that he's a dangerous sociopath.

Edited June 12, 2023 by Wiseman2

[mark clemson]

I think your husband is facing the prospect of (in his mind) "losing everything". That includes his business, the life and family he built together with you, his "loves" (you AND her), and to a certain extent contact with/control over his own offspring (both yours and the OW's potential/probable one).

This sort of situation can trigger very basic, primal drives, and (as you can see time and again on news channels) not everyone can handle this sort of situation calmly/rationally.

Your husband doesn't appear to have self-control at the moment. I would suggest you be very careful not to antagonize him. That doesn't mean you have to agree to anything/everything and kowtow to his every wish. But, try to not make things any worse. It is likely NOT a good time to announce final plans to divorce, etc. 

I suspect/hope that in a few months time he will be calmer, see things in more perspective, and regret his current actions. But it sounds like AT THE MOMENT, you are at genuine risk of you (and possibly your children) winding up as stories on the local news. Suggest you fully grasp that there is a (relatively small, but still very) real chance of that happening right now, and take appropriate steps to ensure your safety as needed, while avoiding antagonizing him.

That can be a fine line, and I think its important you recognize that, for the moment at least, you're in a potentially quite dangerous situation.

Edited June 12, 2023 by mark clemson

[Gianna76]

12 hours ago, JTSW said:

From what you describes, it does sound like she got pregnant on purpose.

Everyone knows where unprotected sex leads to so I'm guessing she claimed she was on the pill.

This would explain why he is so furious with her.

She tricked him and its pushed him over the edge.

It's his own fault though. It's not her actions that broke your marriage.

They both have to live with the consequences.

I am starting to agree. I have had three people telling me, that is why they believe she went to the Doctor and have a early blood test for pregnancy. She has admitted that she fell in love with my husband, she pursued him.

 

12 hours ago, JTSW said:

From what you describes, it does sound like she got pregnant on purpose.

Everyone knows where unprotected sex leads to so I'm guessing she claimed she was on the pill.

This would explain why he is so furious with her.

She tricked him and its pushed him over the edge.

It's his own fault though. It's not her actions that broke your marriage.

They both have to live with the consequences.

 

[stillafool]

Your husband has some nerve to blame her for getting pregnant.  He certainly didn't give a damn because he wasn't using a condom so he's as much to blame as her.  Of course he isn't going to be happy about you telling him you want a divorce since he's the one who caused this.  You should have left and had him served with divorcee papers.  The good news is it's not his decision, but yours.  He can't make you stay in a rotten marriage or even a good one.  I'm surprised you're even taking this womans calls.  Why?  You should make him leave or leave yourself for now until you can get yourself sorted out.  Don't let yourself be subjected to this mess.

Edited June 12, 2023 by stillafool

[Gianna76]

This morning I put in a petition for a restraining order– It can be filed by anyone who is the victim of any act of domestic violence, which I am not. So it was denied. I was told it is meant for Victims and my husband has not harmed me. His temper tantrum doesn't count. 

I also responded to the comment that, my husbands AP may have gotten pregnant on purpose. I am hearing this from a few people and I have questioned this myself. Today, I spoke with her and she in a way told on herself. She did get a restraining order.  The attack was far worse than I knew. It was not the first time. He has been degrading her and treating her badly since the truth of the affair came out. Her pregnancy has taken him over the top with anger. The way he lashed out on her the other night. It is not like the man I know. I do understand he is not mentally stable. 

5 hours ago, mark clemson said:

I think your husband is facing the prospect of (in his mind) "losing everything". That includes his business, the life and family he built together with you, his "loves" (you AND her), and to a certain extent contact with/control over his own offspring (both yours and the OW's potential/probable one).

This sort of situation can trigger very basic, primal drives, and (as you can see time and again on news channels) not everyone can handle this sort of situation calmly/rationally.

Your husband doesn't appear to have self-control at the moment. I would suggest you be very careful not to antagonize him. That doesn't mean you have to agree to anything/everything and kowtow to his every wish. But, try to not make things any worse. It is likely NOT a good time to announce final plans to divorce, etc. 

I suspect/hope that in a few months time he will be calmer, see things in more perspective, and regret his current actions. But it sounds like AT THE MOMENT, you are at genuine risk of you (and possibly your children) winding up as stories on the local news. Suggest you fully grasp that there is a (relatively small, but still very) real chance of that happening right now, and take appropriate steps to ensure your safety as needed, while avoiding antagonizing him.

That can be a fine line, and I think its important you recognize that, for the moment at least, you're in a potentially quite dangerous situation.

I realize  this is a fine line. He has been abusing her since I found out about the affair. I just found this out today, from his AP. 

[Gianna76]

12 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Your husband is a dangerous man. You and this woman are victims. Stop blaming her for "getting pregnant on purpose". Your homicidal husband is the problem. Now on top of your civil legal problems firing her, your husband has created criminal problems. 

This woman was wise to call the police and have him arrested. You need to protect yourself as well. She is not to blame for his outrageous assault.

You absolutely have grounds for a restraining order since he was recently arrested. Please contact an attorney and law enforcement asap.

Your life is in danger. Going to her place threatening to kill her is not a sign that he wants to reconcile, it's a sign that he's a dangerous sociopath.

There is no Civil legal problems coming from her at all. She wants to go away. She has been ashamed out of our organization. Period. She says herself now the pregnancy wasn't an accident. That is why he is raging out. My OP was denied. I have no grounds for a R.O.

[Gianna76]

This morning I put in a petition for a restraining order– It can be filed by anyone who is the victim of any act of domestic violence, which I am not. So it was denied. I was told it is meant for Victims and my husband has not harmed me. His temper tantrum doesn't count. 

I also responded to the comment that, my husbands AP may have gotten pregnant on purpose. I am hearing this from a few people and I have questioned this myself. Today, I spoke with her and she in a way told on herself. She did get a restraining order, she contacted me to say she is leaving, she was returning some equipment. We chatted a bit, I let her know this would be the last time she and I would ever be in contact. After today, we have nothing to say to each other. I dd find out.  The attack by my husband towards her was far worse than I knew. It was not the first time. He has been degrading her and treating her badly since the truth of the affair came out.  The day he told me about the affair and pregnancy, was when he found out about the pregnancy?? That is what I took away from the conversation with her? She was so scattered brained and all over the damn place in the conversation. She is basically going into hiding. She is TRULY scared of this man!

Her pregnancy has taken him over the top with anger. The way he lashed out on her the other night. It is not like the man I know. I do understand he is not mentally stable. He is afraid of losing everything. I have approached him gently, I told him we divide the business 50/50. I would never withhold his son. I don't know if he loves me or if he's worried about losing me. He stopped having sex with me, he stopped being affectionate, even the simple act of holding my hand. People are saying it isn't normal for a married man to stop having sex with his wife even if he has a girlfriend on the side. If this happens, the husband has more than likely fallin out of love with the wife and fallen in love with the AP. 

I think maybe he is in love with her, it's possible  he was afraid to lose his son, his business. It make sense as to why he stopped sleeping with me. Everything stopped. Even the weekly roses! I am being very careful not to trigger him. I don't "think" my husband would harm me. He has never as much as said a harsh word to me, he was always gentle with me. Respectful and kind. But if he sees me as someone who is in the way of his new family. If or WHEN he finds out that his girlfriend has a restraining order and is sneaking away pregnant with his baby. He may take it out on me?! He may blame me for her going away. I am just being careful to stay away from him. I am happy the restraining order didn't go through! I will let him know I am just going to go away. I will leave him alone. Child custody will be extremely fair. I'm not fighting him for money or anything that will make this divorce easy and clean. I just want peace. We share a beautiful 4 year old son. I just want to make everything easier for my son. There has been too much pain. I'm no fool. People are crazy these days and I don't want to become a statistic on the news. I'm just letting go and walking away

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, Gianna76 said:

He has been degrading her and treating her badly since the truth of the affair came out. Her pregnancy has taken him over the top with anger. The way he lashed out on her the other night. It is not like the man I know. I do understand he is not mentally stable. 

This is telling you the type of person you married.  His anger isn't about losing you it's about him and how this will affect his life.  He's going to be paying child support for the next 18-20 years and lose half of his stuff when and if you divorce him.  That is why he's angry.  Any man who is physically abusive to a pregnant woman is a brute, plain and simple.  She should have called the police on him.  If he was so hot and bothered that he couldn't take a moment to put on a condom he must have been trying to get her pregnant.  Do you and your husband have children?  If so, how will this affect them?

[MickeyBill]

17 hours ago, JTSW said:

From what you describes, it does sound like she got pregnant on purpose.

Everyone knows where unprotected sex leads to so I'm guessing she claimed she was on the pill.

This would explain why he is so furious with her.

She tricked him and its pushed him over the edge.

It's his own fault though. It's not her actions that broke your marriage.

They both have to live with the consequences.

Yes EVERYONE knows about unprotected sex, even the baby daddy. 

[Lotsgoingon]

I do not have sympathy for your husband here.

This woman may have lied to your husband. And I'm just as sure he lied to her.

Probably told her that you and he were about to separate, that you never touch each other, or that you wouldn't mind. Or that you have been sneaking out with someone else. Lying is just one of the fundamental weak spots in affairs. The overall lie is so big and people in affairs are so caught up in their selfishness that they feel justified in telling all kinds of "small" lies like my wife won't let me touch her. She hates me. She's told me I should basically go out and sleep with someone else.

There are lots of people who find themselves in hubby's situation. And they act with some strength, as pained as they feel. This guy is revealing some serious weakness of character. Curse out the other woman, sure ... to a friend. But not to her. Let alone getting violent OMG.

OP, I love the way say you don't "think" he would get violent with you. Probably right. Likely right. Probably and likely mean you need to err on the side of caution. If you ever feel threatened in the least by him---could be by his body language and not words--call your sister right away and get away for a time! 

In the meantime, can you check the bank accounts? Make sure this guy doesn't drain your joint accounts. 

[Gianna76]

16 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

I do not have sympathy for your husband here.

This woman may have lied to your husband. And I'm just as sure he lied to her.

Probably told her that you and he were about to separate, that you never touch each other, or that you wouldn't mind. Or that you have been sneaking out with someone else. Lying is just one of the fundamental weak spots in affairs. The overall lie is so big and people in affairs are so caught up in their selfishness that they feel justified in telling all kinds of "small" lies like my wife won't let me touch her. She hates me. She's told me I should basically go out and sleep with someone else.

There are lots of people who find themselves in hubby's situation. And they act with some strength, as pained as they feel. This guy is revealing some serious weakness of character. Curse out the other woman, sure ... to a friend. But not to her. Let alone getting violent OMG.

OP, I love the way say you don't "think" he would get violent with you. Probably right. Likely right. Probably and likely mean you need to err on the side of caution. If you ever feel threatened in the least by him---could be by his body language and not words--call your sister right away and get away for a time! 

In the meantime, can you check the bank accounts? Make sure this guy doesn't drain your joint accounts. 

Yes. I am sure they've told each other many, many lies. I do access to accounts and we also maintain separate accounts.  He hasn't taken anything, or moved anything around. I think he knows he has hurt me enough.  Toying with our finances would not be good for either of us. 

[ExpatInItaly]

Whether or not the other woman got pregnant on purpose is rather irrelevant now, OP. What does it change if she confirms that? Or denies that? 

The man you thought you knew is gone now, and it appears you're doing well to line up your ducks for a divorce. There is no coming back from this, and you will be better off without him. He ruined his own life. Let him figure it out from here. You and your son will come out stronger. 

[JTSW]

6 hours ago, MickeyBill said:

Yes EVERYONE knows about unprotected sex, even the baby daddy. 

Agreed.

He knew what he was doing.

They both did.

They are both responsible.

 

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, Gianna76 said:

. I am happy the restraining order didn't go through! 

Have you contacted an attorney? You seem to be making all these assertions, but dissolving a marriage and business is legal situation, not something you can unilaterally call the shots on. I don't think beating up a pregnant woman indicates his devotion to you.

[BaileyB]

14 hours ago, Gianna76 said:

if he sees me as someone who is in the way of his new family. If or WHEN he finds out that his girlfriend has a restraining order and is sneaking away pregnant with his baby. He may take it out on me?! He may blame me for her going away.

A man does not assault a woman if he wants her to stay and be a “family.” 

[mark clemson]

16 hours ago, Gianna76 said:

I realize  this is a fine line. He has been abusing her since I found out about the affair. I just found this out today, from his AP. 

Good. Do what's necessary to protect yourself.

 

16 hours ago, Gianna76 said:

People are saying it isn't normal for a married man to stop having sex with his wife even if he has a girlfriend on the side. If this happens, the husband has more than likely fallin out of love with the wife and fallen in love with the AP.

Ok, but from everything I read on this site, it isn't normal or typical for a MM to physically abuse his OW/AP either. Not all men are the same and, TBQH, most of the people you're talking to probably aren't MMs and in reality will have quite limited insight into what may or may not actually be going on in the head of a specific MM.

Edited June 13, 2023 by mark clemson

[stillafool]

15 hours ago, Gianna76 said:

This morning I put in a petition for a restraining order– It can be filed by anyone who is the victim of any act of domestic violence, which I am not. So it was denied.

 

15 hours ago, Gianna76 said:

I don't "think" my husband would harm me. He has never as much as said a harsh word to me,

If you felt this way why would you petition for a restraining order?  I certainly can understand why the OW would want one. 

[BaileyB]

16 hours ago, Gianna76 said:

People are saying it isn't normal for a married man to stop having sex with his wife even if he has a girlfriend on the side. If this happens, the husband has more than likely fallen out of love with the wife and fallen in love with the AP. 

That doesn’t mean that he can’t have an abrupt change of heart when he is discovered and the reality of divorce, separation from his child, loss of his business, and the humiliation of having his personal failure become public news. 

His life has flashed before his eyes and that kind of cold hard reality check has a way of dampening any feelings of infatuation that he has for his affair partner. Affairs exist in a happy bubble - that bubble has now popped and he has a different perspective now that the affair fog has lifted…

[Lotsgoingon]

We're giving you all kinds of feedback. Just to encourage you to prioritize, I second the earlier recommendation to go see a divorce lawyer immediately.

Those folks aren't just divorce lawyers. They're also protect yourself lawyers. They have a good feel for what's coming down the pike in cases like yours. And they can advise you financially and even emotionally! I asked you about the bank accounts because I have heard so many stories of men draining bank accounts and then woman being left high and dry and can't even afford an attorney to context the draining of the accounts! This is the kind of thing a good divorce attorney can advise you on. If your husband has anger at you like at the OW, he could easily turn it into draining all you guys' money. 

So there are some very practical matters you want to attend to. Prioritize seeing a good divorce attorney. Now, Call. Say it's an emergency. You are only getting advice on how to protect yourself as you go through or think about going through a divorce. 

See if you can move that to the top of your priority list. Don't worry about how you look or how you're dressed or how emotionally scattered you are, just call and schedule and meet with a good attorney ASAP! You'll feel more more empowered afterwards. 

[Grumpy Bob]

Ok, first things first.  STOP talking to this woman.  She is not your friend or ally.  She is NOT "ashamed".  It's likely that most of what she's telling you is lies, and she will be gathering evidence for suing you and your husband.  PLEASE stop saying things like "she shamed herself out of the organisation."  Do you not understand that she can sue you for wrongful termination, and probably emotional trauma, and who knows what else.  You must get a lawyer and have no further contact with her.

As for your husband, sadly he is displaying many of the signs of narcissism or even sociopathy.  At the very least is incredibly immature and selfish.

I mentioned in my previous comment that this could go one of two ways for him, and sadly it is now evident which way that is.  You can never trust this man.  He's not upset by what he did, he's upset by what happened, and there's a world of difference.  

I'm usually hesitant to shout "Divorce Lawyer," but Divorce asap is definitely the path forward and judging by his behaviour he won't go quietly.  So yes, see a divorce lawyer asap. 

[stillafool]

8 hours ago, Grumpy Bob said:

PLEASE stop saying things like "she shamed herself out of the organisation." 

I agree.  It's funny that they would shame her but not him out of the "organization".  He's the one who made vows to you, why isn't he shamed out?

[Starswillshine]

OP, I really just want to say I am really sorry that you are in this position. The hurt and shock that comes with finding out about an affair is unfathomable, but then add to it that the AP is pregnant and now your WS has turned violent. Those revelations are shocking and traumatizing. Give yourself some grace. It's completely normal to be all over the place in emotions. Feelings will often time conflict. And it is normal to feel more anger to the person you didn't love versus the person you loved and gave your life, to.