Cheating or not? What to do?

[user1999989]

Cheating in a relationship? 23F 22M

Cheating - Need help

My partner and I have 22M and 23F been together for almost 5 years now. I found out a couple days ago that she “cheated” on me about 2 years ago with this guy on multiple occasions (1st time kissing, second time kissing, sex etc and another time) while we were on a “break” for 2 weeks and working on ourselves/relationship.

I had a gut feeling ages and ago and mentioned it and she lied to me and told me it was nothing to worry about and nothing went on. I believed her. The other day I saw she was messaging the guy (now friends with him) and it brought up old worries, I asked her straight out and to be honest and she told me what had happened. I almost extracted out of her. I wasnt angry as I almost knew it had happened but now very shocked and overwhelmed. I am not sure where to go from here, she said she was searching for validation as our relationship was rocky, but I am confused to why she needed so much validation? Is it cheating? I feel let down and like I am trapped, it is difficult too trust her now since it happened so long ago. It feels like its been a lie for so long. 

Please help

[Wiseman2]

35 minutes ago, user1999989 said:

 she “cheated” on me about 2 years ago  while we were on a “break” for 2 weeks  

. The other day I saw she was messaging the guy ., she said she was searching for validation as our relationship was rocky.

Sorry this happened. You've been together since ages 17,18? Is this the first relationship for one or both of you? 

What were the breaks about and why was it  "rocky"? She's still talking to him so that's a difficult situation.

On/off relationships are fraught with unresolved incompatibilities and conflicts combined with an unhealthy attachment and lack of other opportunities.

Reflect if this is the right woman/relationship for you. Sadly breaks often make strained relationships worse because of this type of confusion and complications.

 

Edited June 10, 2023 by Wiseman2

[glows]

No, it is not cheating if you were broken up at the time. However she lied to you and continued to stay in contact with someone she both had sex with and lied to you about. A lot of people would be hurt by that combination.

I would not fixate on whether sex and kissing is cheating or not as it doesn’t constitute any cheating at all if you were not a couple. What was deceitful was not being honest about it or shutting down that connection she had with the person she had a fling with. 

You can ask her how important this person is to her and figure out how you feel in regards to her friendship with him and what she says. If you’re not comfortable with it let her know. If she disagrees you both can go your separate ways. Avoid arguing and blaming each other. 

[Ageless Wisdom23]

Although it was a Break, Space, Time Away to find out how one Feels about the Another and their Relationship-------I believe it is CHEATING.  And if that with Another, What makes you think she won't pull it with someone else or that person if you rekindle the relationship?  You should 😪have trust issues now.

[mark clemson]

That's one of the problems with "breaks". What does the other person do during that time? Does it "count" if you get back together? The logic of the rules of the break time (which often aren't spelled out anyhow) may not intersect well with the emotions that something like this brings up. Also "dishonesty" vs. "not your business" during the break comes into play.

You feel how you feel. If this is too much for you, then it might spell the end of your relationship.

Given that it's a former lover, I'd say you're "within your rights" to ask that she end communication with him. She can find another friend who's not a known potential threat to your relationship. I think that's a reasonable compromise on her part if she wants to stay in the relationship. (Note that asking she have NO friends of the opposite gender at all isn't reasonable on your part IMO.)

One question to ask yourself is this: IF you REALLY don't trust her, then what are you still doing in the relationship. This isn't a marriage and you didn't mention children, so IF you really don't feel like you can trust her, it might be wise to get out while disentangling yourself is still easy.

[basil67]

9 hours ago, user1999989 said:

I am not sure where to go from here, she said she was searching for validation as our relationship was rocky, but I am confused to why she needed so much validation? Is it cheating?  

Validation can sometimes be much needed when a person has been in a dysfunctional relationship.  They need to know that they are a good person, that they are worth loving, that their views are important....so yes, external validation can be really helpful.   

Thing is though, your girlfriend's actions don't really make sense.  If the relationship was so bad that her self esteem was at rock bottom, they why did she choose to come back?  

When you describe the relationship as rocky, what exactly are we talking about here?   Who asked for the break?

 

Edited June 11, 2023 by basil67
grammar

[user1999989]

8 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. You've been together since ages 17,18? Is this the first relationship for one or both of you? 

What were the breaks about and why was it  "rocky"? She's still talking to him so that's a difficult situation.

On/off relationships are fraught with unresolved incompatibilities and conflicts combined with an unhealthy attachment and lack of other opportunities.

Reflect if this is the right woman/relationship for you. Sadly breaks often make strained relationships worse because of this type of confusion and complications.

 

Yes since we were 17 and 18, my first serious relationship and her second longer term one.

 

Just both always getting in arguments and getting annoyed quite easy, was meant for us to work on ourselves to better both of us and come back and be together again.

Must be said I called more for the break, my mental health was taking a toll. 

[user1999989]

5 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Validation can sometimes be much needed when a person has been in a dysfunctional relationship.  They need to know that they are a good person, that they are worth loving, that their views are important....so yes, external validation can be really helpful.   

Thing is though, your girlfriend's actions don't really make sense.  If the relationship was so bad that her self esteem was at rock bottom, they why did she choose to come back?  

When you describe the relationship as rocky, what exactly are we talking about here?   Who asked for the break?

 

I agree, as said in other reply. I actually wanted the break (although was somewhat mutual) my mental health was taking a toll and it was a time for us to try work on ourselves to come back together and be stronger. We were and are still young, so for a first relationship to last like over 2 years for me it was pretty full on. 

 

I am confused too, I said to her. 

I dont know why you had to have repeat validation from him, it happened on multiple occasions and also led to sex. Cheating or not,  for me sex is a choice, a kiss im not so worried. I sadly dont know if I can live with that thought though for the rest of my life.

 

[user1999989]

I must specify, the break was intended for a week for us to go and work on ourselves with whatever it may be (for me it was having some down time between my business and everything else thats going on). Intending to come back together after it, I think the hardest bit is before she started hanging out with this guy, I specifically said I dont like him (but also didnt want to control who she hung out with etc). I have been in the situation of the guy before. Time together builds an emotional connection. Unfortunately it often leads to more.

 

Thanks for all your replies so far it is been so heartwarming. I really appreciate everyones different views on this.

[glows]

Glad to hear this is helpful. 

I have another thought now that you’ve described the situation more fully. How does she know you won’t call for another break whenever you’re overwhelmed? Do you see how the pattern of on/off or someone calling for a break might seem unpredictable or unreliable? Is there uncertainty anyway regarding your future? Does she not support your goals with your business? Is she moving away for schooling or focused on her own career? 

If your emotional connection is not as strong and trust is lacking then yes a person is going to find that elsewhere. I would think it’s very painful in her position also not knowing when another break might pop up. Perhaps this back and forth has gone on too long and there just isn’t enough to sustain a long term relationship if you’re not compatible.

[JTSW]

So you take a week break and she spends that week with another man.

Then she lied about it.

Now she is still talking to him.

This is not good OP. I still think she is cheating with him.