Husband's boss is touchy

[Chloeee]

My husband is generally a solid, trustworthy man. At least, that's what I know of him. 

We talked about boundaries a long time ago, and both agreed on basic guidelines such as not going out one on one with someone of the opposite sex (hetero couple) without first informing the partnet, not letting others get too touchy, not exchanging flirtatious texts, etc. 

I'm really rigid in my thinking so I've been very on the ball about keeping to these guidelines. 

My husband sometimes joked that if any woman gets touchy with him, he would yell "that's highly inappropriate, madam!" and we would laugh about it. 

Generally, he doesn't text any colleagues about personal stuff, but he mentioned his new boss a few times, and I know they text about personal, non work related stuff, but that's all fine as they aren't inappropriate.

I went to have lunch at his office cafe today, and while putting the trays away, I saw a gorgeous young lady around our age go up to him and touch him on the arm multiple times, then placing her hand on his arm and leaving it there as they spoke. She then ran her hand across his back and left her hand on his back as she leant in to talk to him. The whole time, my husband didn't even seem uncomfortable with her touch. He turned to introduce me to her, and she said very enthusiastically, "you have a fantastic husband!" I agreed readily, then she said, "oh I'm happily married too!" and "I've heard so much about you.... All good things, don't worry!" 

 

So her demeanor seemed really warm and pleasant, and I don't think she meant any harm. But I'm a little disappointed in my husband. We spoke for a while after, but he had to go off as his boss told him to be ready for some team stuff in a few minutes. He said he had no idea the new boss was this touchy, and that in the couple months she had been there they hadnt really been in contact in person  often, but i know they have team bonding gatherings almost every 2 weeks and that he is in the office 3 days a week w her around. 

He explained that he didnt know what to do in the moment, and i can understand that. However, i cant help but feel like some trust was lost. His actions were so far from what he said he would do, and that was with me standing right in front of him. Does this mean if a girl hits on him or gets too inappropriate and he is flustered, then he would just let things happen? 

I dont want to be too dramatic about this, and have tried to brush it off, but it it still niggles at me. I'm not too sure too, how he could have reacted. Generally i slip out of back touches or arm grabs etc. pretty smoothly and discreetly, but i guess as a woman that's easier to do and I've had more practice. Not too sure what he couldve done, given that she is his boss too. 

I would appreciate advice about how to disengage from a woman and a boss being too touchy, as a man, and also what to do other than talk it out with him, as I know that wouldn't help much - i want to change my way of thinking so I'm less hurt, so would appreciate if anyone could suggest what to tell myself that could help! 

[JTSW]

You have insecurities and I get that. 

But it seems that this is simply how this woman is.

She is very friendly with people.

Has he said whether she is like this with allot of people? Or just him?

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Chloeee said:

 how to disengage from a woman and a boss being too touchy, as a man, and also what to do other than talk it out with him, as I know that wouldn't help much -

It's good you talked about it. Now that he understands it makes you uncomfortable, he can figure out a good way to avoid it. In that moment, he couldn't exactly swat her away as she's the new boss. It doesn't seem like sexual harassment but a matter of personal space boundaries. Let your husband reflect on what you mentioned and figure it out.

[BaileyB]

I would be curious to know if she is like this with everyone? Or just your husband?

Some people tend to be very touchingly - with everyone. If that’s the case, this may “mean” very little.

Although, one could argue that it is very inappropriate behavior in a workplace - especially in this day and age where everyone must do training on respectful workplace/sexual harassment and she is the manager. 

Your husband could speak with her directly or speak with HR who could provide some gentle feedback that this behavior is making other staff uncomfortable. Fair warning - if it continues, that would be the problem. 

And yes, your husband needs to firm up his boundaries… he didn’t seem to notice/wasn’t bothered by his boss touching him at work - I don’t think so…

Edited June 12, 2023 by BaileyB

[glows]

You’ve already told him how you feel. Placing a lot of restrictions and telling him how to act is a bit too much, in my opinion. I’d rein in the insecurities and figure out why you feel this woman is such a threat. She’s his boss and also “happily married”. She made it a point to state that likely because she read your mannerisms and discomfort as it was highly transparent. You may have stiffened or your movements or facial expressions were forced. 

I strongly doubt this will happen again but believing that she is the enemy or a major threat is something you’ll have to try to temper.

If you’re so controlling over his every move or wanting to control the situation with his boss (not letting him figure it out and remain loyal to you) you run the risk of driving him away and the trust cracking further.

Your husband hasn’t really done anything wrong. Instead emphasize that you trust him and the touch on the back seemed inappropriate to you. He can do the math and situate himself accordingly in future should he prove himself to be a loyal husband. 

[Chloeee]

I've spoken to my husband, and he said that this boss hasn't been touchy at all, not that he noticed, just today when I happened to be around. Maybe he just didn't notice it before, since he didn't think it was a problem until i brought it up. He did share that she does sometimes seem to act in odd ways that makes him think she might be the type to want men to be attracted to her. 

 

Anyway, I don't see her as a major threat, i suspect she's just inconsiderate and lacks boundaries. I was more upset that he didnt seem bothered at all by that much touching. 

I dont think it's controlling to ask about how he could disengage - that was what he asked me when we briefly spoke about it and later when we had a proper chat too. He said that as she is his boss, it is hard to disengage from touches or to draw boundaries if she's overly flirty - his job is at stake. He's going to try to have a safe distance from her. Besides, this was something we had both agreed upon before and i never had an issue until this boss. 

 

As for whether she does that to others, well, he is one of two men in a team of ten or so pretty ladies. The other guy isn't anywhere as conventionally attractive as my husband is, i must say. So he hasnt really noticed her being close to him. She is a huge fan of his side art projects too, like she told me in our brief encounter, that she follows his social media closely and loves his work. Which she probably wouldnt have told me if she was really up to no good, i guess. I'm guessing she's attracted (i hear their convos when we both are working from home, she giggles at everything he says) but that she doesnt really intend to act on it other than flirting. 

Thanks for all the advice! A proper chat was what did it, we just did a recalibration of our standards and boundaries. He is still trying to figure out ways to not let  inappropriate touching happen again. 

Oh I've reassured him that I know he is loyal and doesnt want to be inappropriate - i was just upset that he didnt see the situation as a problem until i brought it up, which he explained was from a difference in standards and expectations. So we recalibrated things. 

 

I will definitely have to work on my insecurities though! Every lady he works with is gorgeous - though none have triggered much unhappiness before this boss as they tend to have good boundaries. 

 

[stillafool]

Well she was quick to mention she's married so maybe she's just a touchy person.

[Ageless Wisdom23]

It is one thing for her to perhaps have done it once to Him, But she is showing me and showing you that she is making it Certainly a bad habit even behind closed doors.  If your husband is appearing Comfortable with This, I am assuming she is doing it every time and he is allowing it without saying anything.  He is either enjoying the attention or intimidated that if he opens Up, He will be on her poop list and she could find a way to point her pretty finger to the door and tell him he is fired.  Sit down with your husband and discuss it.  Maybe he should open up more and keep mentioning how happily married he is.  That may stop her flirtatious female fatal es.  This is Unprofessional and I don't trust her.  I am betting she wants to continue after 5 when the door is locked and she would want to invite hi😏m out.....

[mark clemson]

On 6/12/2023 at 12:00 AM, Chloeee said:

I dont want to be too dramatic about this, and have tried to brush it off, but it it still niggles at me. I'm not too sure too, how he could have reacted. Generally i slip out of back touches or arm grabs etc. pretty smoothly and discreetly, but i guess as a woman that's easier to do and I've had more practice. Not too sure what he couldve done, given that she is his boss too.

Hmm. IMO men can do that too, AND if he starts doing that with her, she will (likely) understand his reaction and stop being quite so physical.

Her touching may indicate warmth and trust (or it MIGHT indicate interest in "something more") but if/when she starts to think it makes him uncomfortable she will hopefully wise up and stop.

[OurLoveTurnsToRust]

"I went to have lunch at his office cafe today, and while putting the trays away, I saw a gorgeous young lady around our age go up to him and touch him"

This is YOUR problem, get over it and your insecurities, or else you won't have a husband.

[Lotsgoingon]

It's not her fault that she's good looking and her beauty doesn't add any ill intention to her actions. If this woman had been very unattractive, would you have the same reaction?

In the modern workplace, it is more normal for employees and employees and bosses to talk about life outside of work. We just got out of covid and all the remote working. There was simply no way to talk about work without mentioning--at least sometimes---what was going on at home and what was going on in our lives in general. You might call that increased intimacy. 

Let's say you didn't know of the texting and that you didn't see this woman put her hands on him, is there some hidden feeling or instinct you have that hubby has lost interest in you? I'm asking for gut here. Any chance you have felt that hubby isn't quite paying attention to you or admiring you recently as he had earlier? 

One more reality: there are coworkers who really like each other and that's not sign of sexual energy and not a sign of flirtation. 

Be really careful about setting down "rules" on touch. You will instantly become a mother and a school principal in his mind. And that happens at the speed of light without any real intention on his part. Once you're in that school principal role then sexual energy and drive will plummet. I don't mean that you need to shut up about this issue, but make sure to state your desire in the positive. I want to make sure that I have you to myself since you are the one I want. I don't want anyone to sneak in and try to take you away. That's much better than "you cannot let her touch you." The latter just makes her more attractive, even if he has no interest in her. And the latter is quite intrusive and controlling. Intrusive and controlling starts a time bomb of resentment.