Caught the feels

[Versacehottie]

2 hours ago, catperson888 said:

I surely don't know what his feelings truly are, and possibly he doesn't know himself.  It is funny you brought up the topic of what a person is deserving of- but we low key talked about some of that, and some level of personal respect.  If he is up for conversation, I won't say no.  You are 100% correct that I do not speak up.  I am not one who likes to rock the boat, and is pretty much go with the flow. 

Yeah pretty much if you are in a situationship, it will have a guy wondering what your real standards are.  Then if the pattern continues where you aren't speaking up, asking for what you want, going with the status quo...actually people will start  to lose respect for you. Especially if they sense you want more. This is pretty much a common dynamic and result across most interpersonal relationships. Speak up communicated that you have value and will move on if you don't get what you want. It levels the playing field. Not to mention takes you closer to what you really want in the end.  Sometimes if you are easier going and go with the flow because you yourself are figuring out what you want, it still communicates a sort of low value/don't respect yourself vibe--EVEN IF that's not true but you are figuring stuff out for yourself----BUT the act of not speaking up conveys this message alone. Even people who might be fine with a situation ship or FWB, speak up in some way. They advocate for themselves.

Like for example strictly on FWB, they might be saying "that time doesn't work for me/let's get together next week/or while hanging out they speak up about little nonsense things, challenging the other person in a way that shows you value yourself. Mostly we can think of people who do this in a way that's obnoxious overly loud or confrontational, or something that is not your vibe let's say. But honestly I've even seen the quietest shy girls stick up for themselves, speak up and advocate for themselves. There are many ways to do this. Don't be afraid to challenge things (in your own way). You can often get that message across just in how you joke around or tease people even if you remain "easygoing".

I think it's one of the most destructive things in any sort of relationship when discussing the relationship to put words in others mouths or define what you think they believe or "sum it up". It's probably just compensation for feeling uncomfortable with the conversation and "expecting rejection". Try not to jump to the end. Just take each moment for what it is and advocate for yourself/what you want. I know lots of stories where the guy initially said NO (essentially) to moving forward with a relationship but then changed his mind a bit later. I suspect a lot of it comes from the actual challenge of the status quo/getting him to see you in a more assertive light/and then the guy has to square it up with what he thinks he wants and what he wants or misses with a different version or more enhanced version of you in his head--simply because you spoke up. I also think if you got into this arrangement by mutual agreement but it no longer works for you, you've evolved--then there's no reason to be nasty, angry or accusatory.  In a way, you state your updated position, and hope it matches his but if it doesn't at that time, handling it well, is a way to leave the door open for the future as his life evolves. If you are still available. 😊

[catperson888]

1 hour ago, Versacehottie said:

Yeah pretty much if you are in a situationship, it will have a guy wondering what your real standards are.  Then if the pattern continues where you aren't speaking up, asking for what you want, going with the status quo...actually people will start  to lose respect for you. Especially if they sense you want more. This is pretty much a common dynamic and result across most interpersonal relationships. Speak up communicated that you have value and will move on if you don't get what you want. It levels the playing field. Not to mention takes you closer to what you really want in the end.  Sometimes if you are easier going and go with the flow because you yourself are figuring out what you want, it still communicates a sort of low value/don't respect yourself vibe--EVEN IF that's not true but you are figuring stuff out for yourself----BUT the act of not speaking up conveys this message alone. Even people who might be fine with a situation ship or FWB, speak up in some way. They advocate for themselves.

Like for example strictly on FWB, they might be saying "that time doesn't work for me/let's get together next week/or while hanging out they speak up about little nonsense things, challenging the other person in a way that shows you value yourself. Mostly we can think of people who do this in a way that's obnoxious overly loud or confrontational, or something that is not your vibe let's say. But honestly I've even seen the quietest shy girls stick up for themselves, speak up and advocate for themselves. There are many ways to do this. Don't be afraid to challenge things (in your own way). You can often get that message across just in how you joke around or tease people even if you remain "easygoing".

I think it's one of the most destructive things in any sort of relationship when discussing the relationship to put words in others mouths or define what you think they believe or "sum it up". It's probably just compensation for feeling uncomfortable with the conversation and "expecting rejection". Try not to jump to the end. Just take each moment for what it is and advocate for yourself/what you want. I know lots of stories where the guy initially said NO (essentially) to moving forward with a relationship but then changed his mind a bit later. I suspect a lot of it comes from the actual challenge of the status quo/getting him to see you in a more assertive light/and then the guy has to square it up with what he thinks he wants and what he wants or misses with a different version or more enhanced version of you in his head--simply because you spoke up. I also think if you got into this arrangement by mutual agreement but it no longer works for you, you've evolved--then there's no reason to be nasty, angry or accusatory.  In a way, you state your updated position, and hope it matches his but if it doesn't at that time, handling it well, is a way to leave the door open for the future as his life evolves. If you are still available. 😊

And after my last relationship, the last thing I wanted was a situationship and I had no intentions of landing myself in one.  This is why I need to nip it in the bud, unless he does first (maybe he wants to end it- how am I to know his intentions?).  I am not okay with this pattern that we fell into, and the advocating for myself is extremely important, and I need to also just stick to my guns.  I will make it clear that I am not okay with a FWB or NSA type of relationship.  As a person, he knows how I am in the sense of my character/work ethic/etc. as we’ve had plenty of conversations about each other.  From prior conversations, we are both comfortable sharing about our past and other things.  I have taken the time to mentally prepare myself for anything that could happen.  At the end of the day, I know I handled it maturely and cordially.  I had no intentions whatsoever of making it difficult or acting nasty towards him as both of us got into this situation.  Knowing my luck he found someone else... lol 😕

[Alpacalia]

6 hours ago, catperson888 said:

I just want to keep the door open for future discussion.  I'm not opposed to that at all- I'm just opposed to how this is coming about. 

Okay, so you're not looking to sever ties because you're unhappy with the arrangement, but rather to elicit a future conversation?

Your hope is that, by expressing your dissatisfaction, he will change his behavior and make a commitment to you. You're likely hoping he'll get a wake-up call and see how his non-committal attitude and actions affect you. Basically, you're trying to get him to commit to you and to take your relationship more seriously.

There isn't any sign that he is interested in seriousizing your relationship. There has been some intimacy between you, and he isn't in touch very often. It is likely he would have taken things further by now if he had wanted to. It’s tricky because at this point, you’ve already set your price. Many men are satisfied with the dynamic that exists, so unless there is a real desire from both sides and if he’s enjoying himself and it’s working, there’s no need to have it turn into something else.

Generally, trying to push or encourage someone to progress the relationship won't have the desired effect. But if you want to know for sure whether he shares the same feelings as you, or to bring closure if he doesn't, then ask him. Alternatively, show up in the "situation" instead as happy and completely fulfilled already. And live your life as an available item on the dating market until a man locks you down.

No matter the outcome, keep in mind that you have the right to end a relationship if it doesn't feel right for you. Wishing you all the best in finding what you're looking for. All will be okay.

[catperson888]

9 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Okay, so you're not looking to sever ties because you're unhappy with the arrangement, but rather to elicit a future conversation?

Your hope is that, by expressing your dissatisfaction, he will change his behavior and make a commitment to you. You're likely hoping he'll get a wake-up call and see how his non-committal attitude and actions affect you. Basically, you're trying to get him to commit to you and to take your relationship more seriously.

There isn't any sign that he is interested in seriousizing your relationship. There has been some intimacy between you, and he isn't in touch very often. It is likely he would have taken things further by now if he had wanted to. It’s tricky because at this point, you’ve already set your price. Many men are satisfied with the dynamic that exists, so unless there is a real desire from both sides and if he’s enjoying himself and it’s working, there’s no need to have it turn into something else.

Generally, trying to push or encourage someone to progress the relationship won't have the desired effect. But if you want to know for sure whether he shares the same feelings as you, or to bring closure if he doesn't, then ask him. Alternatively, show up in the "situation" instead as happy and completely fulfilled already. And live your life as an available item on the dating market until a man locks you down.

No matter the outcome, keep in mind that you have the right to end a relationship if it doesn't feel right for you. Wishing you all the best in finding what you're looking for. All will be okay.

Well, I am unhappy with the arrangement and that is why I need to let him kmow.  If I was okay with the situationship with no strings/emotions attached, that would be a different story.  It is more along the lines of letting him know that I have these feelings for him, and unless he has the same, then we can't continue this.  I'm not trying to pressure him, giving him any kind of ultimatum, etc.  I'm simply stating how I feel.  I cannot control or change how he feels, and if he doesn't have the same feelings, I can't do anything about it. 

[Versacehottie]

3 hours ago, catperson888 said:

And after my last relationship, the last thing I wanted was a situationship and I had no intentions of landing myself in one.  This is why I need to nip it in the bud, unless he does first (maybe he wants to end it- how am I to know his intentions?).  I am not okay with this pattern that we fell into, and the advocating for myself is extremely important, and I need to also just stick to my guns.  I will make it clear that I am not okay with a FWB or NSA type of relationship.  As a person, he knows how I am in the sense of my character/work ethic/etc. as we’ve had plenty of conversations about each other.  From prior conversations, we are both comfortable sharing about our past and other things.  I have taken the time to mentally prepare myself for anything that could happen.  At the end of the day, I know I handled it maturely and cordially.  I had no intentions whatsoever of making it difficult or acting nasty towards him as both of us got into this situation.  Knowing my luck he found someone else... lol 😕

The key as you get more comfortable speaking up, is your mind won't as often go to a negative assumption or conclusion of what is going on with the other person. Try to slow down your brain/your thoughts and just say your part. Be open, neutral is probably the safest choice about what his response might be. I would even say remain positive but if you feel like it would be more soul crushing or that you would get "your hopes up" then don't do that.  All of that is future thoughts based on assumptions of what he will or won't do or his take on things. Of course there is no guarantee (ie like it will "work out with him"; no one is saying that), but you deserve to give yourself a chance for self-respect AND to get what you want--whether it's from him or someone else. 

When you feel a certain way--like in this case you don't want to continue as it is--it's a SIGN to guide your actions and choices.  The optimal way to deal with that is move forward and be open at the same time...not presuming all that will go wrong or won't go your way but seriously mentally allow for a positive outcome as well. Often it's easiest to just stay "neutral", ie anything could happen/what he does may be a surprise to me (negative or positive or just plain unexpected).  Staying in the present allows you to make the best decision-making for yourself.  I bolded above where if you go down those mental pathways it will influence your choices, color your interactions or even your little statement to him.. I'm surprised that you also didn't have counter arguments of the "positive" outcomes That sort of show a tendency toward an anxious thinking pattern. Trust me, this one would make almost everyone anxious or a little nervous but it sounds like you are resolute on what you are going to do (which is great) but remove the negative or worried thought patterns behind it. It will still hurt if things don't go your way (a little but it will also be a freeing feeling where you can move forward now.).

Especially the "knowing my luck"..you need to remove that thought pattern from your life. Youre telling yourself a story about yourself like it's a truth (it isn't) that is very hard to overcome.  You will just "keep finding evidence" that your belief about yourself is true. it will also cause sabotage patterns that are hard to be aware of. 

Ironically usually "not speaking up" can lead to anxious thinking, which leads to more not speaking up (or bungling it), which leads to more anxious thinking...it's a vicious circle. You got this 😊

[catperson888]

35 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

The key as you get more comfortable speaking up, is your mind won't as often go to a negative assumption or conclusion of what is going on with the other person. Try to slow down your brain/your thoughts and just say your part. Be open, neutral is probably the safest choice about what his response might be. I would even say remain positive but if you feel like it would be more soul crushing or that you would get "your hopes up" then don't do that.  All of that is future thoughts based on assumptions of what he will or won't do or his take on things. Of course there is no guarantee (ie like it will "work out with him"; no one is saying that), but you deserve to give yourself a chance for self-respect AND to get what you want--whether it's from him or someone else. 

When you feel a certain way--like in this case you don't want to continue as it is--it's a SIGN to guide your actions and choices.  The optimal way to deal with that is move forward and be open at the same time...not presuming all that will go wrong or won't go your way but seriously mentally allow for a positive outcome as well. Often it's easiest to just stay "neutral", ie anything could happen/what he does may be a surprise to me (negative or positive or just plain unexpected).  Staying in the present allows you to make the best decision-making for yourself.  I bolded above where if you go down those mental pathways it will influence your choices, color your interactions or even your little statement to him.. I'm surprised that you also didn't have counter arguments of the "positive" outcomes That sort of show a tendency toward an anxious thinking pattern. Trust me, this one would make almost everyone anxious or a little nervous but it sounds like you are resolute on what you are going to do (which is great) but remove the negative or worried thought patterns behind it. It will still hurt if things don't go your way (a little but it will also be a freeing feeling where you can move forward now.).

Especially the "knowing my luck"..you need to remove that thought pattern from your life. Youre telling yourself a story about yourself like it's a truth (it isn't) that is very hard to overcome.  You will just "keep finding evidence" that your belief about yourself is true. it will also cause sabotage patterns that are hard to be aware of. 

Ironically usually "not speaking up" can lead to anxious thinking, which leads to more not speaking up (or bungling it), which leads to more anxious thinking...it's a vicious circle. You got this 😊

Thank you for having some faith in me, and for the guiding words! 

I’m trying my hardest to stay neutral with all this, as when I think positive it does lead to getting the hopes up situation.  Unfortunately, I’m going off past experiences as well that leads to some of the negative thinking, and the vicious cycle.  I’m working hard on myself to break those cycles and even staying away from ‘what-if’s as that will not do any good for anyone.  However, for those who know me and seeing that I’m taking some sort of action sooner rather than later and acting upon it, I have come a long way.  I find myself coming along way with this as well.  For once, I’m thinking about what is best for me when I’m a person who often puts other people in front of themselves.  I know that I cannot keep this going on, and I’m willing to take the risk of losing a friend, a person in my life whom I enjoy spending time with for my own future happiness and peace of mind.  I know I cannot make myself wholeheartedly available to other prospects if I have someone else in my life.  Although this is not a situation where I have the obligation to remain loyal, when I am in a relationship, I am a very loyal person. 

[Weezy1973]

1 hour ago, catperson888 said:

I'm simply stating how I feel. 

You also should let him know what you’re ultimately looking for - not necessarily with him, just generally. Do you eventually want marriage and a family? Exclusive dating? 
 

“Going with the flow” is almost always a defense mechanism. Fear of rejection. Fear of not being good enough. You’re not going to “easy going” him into a commitment. Either he’ll be interested or he won’t. Either way, you can move forward.

[catperson888]

27 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

You also should let him know what you’re ultimately looking for - not necessarily with him, just generally. Do you eventually want marriage and a family? Exclusive dating? 
 

“Going with the flow” is almost always a defense mechanism. Fear of rejection. Fear of not being good enough. You’re not going to “easy going” him into a commitment. Either he’ll be interested or he won’t. Either way, you can move forward.

Yes,  I would eventually like to at least settle down- and I'm going to be more clear on that.  The honesty up front will hopefully deter future situations like this. 

[Alpacalia]

4 hours ago, catperson888 said:

Well, I am unhappy with the arrangement and that is why I need to let him kmow.  If I was okay with the situationship with no strings/emotions attached, that would be a different story.  It is more along the lines of letting him know that I have these feelings for him, and unless he has the same, then we can't continue this.  I'm not trying to pressure him, giving him any kind of ultimatum, etc.  I'm simply stating how I feel.  I cannot control or change how he feels, and if he doesn't have the same feelings, I can't do anything about it. 

I completely understand. It sounds like what you're looking for is a mutual understanding and connection, and that is important. I hope that by being frank about your feelings and what you're looking for, he will reciprocate and you can both be on the same page.

Have you given thought to about how you want a relationship with him to look like given he travels (day trips) for work. Is he local?

The best thing you can do is be honest and direct in expressing your feelings. Let him know that while you enjoy your current arrangement, you have developed stronger feelings for him and gauge where he's at and what he wants and what you're looking for. Be sure that you are not presenting him with ultimatums, but instead just articulating your feelings. If your feelings aren't reciprocated, accept and respect his decision and move on.

Edited June 14, 2023 by Alpacalia

[catperson888]

Update:

I think I scared him off......

We hung out this week, and it was fine; I didn't say anything to him earlier this week bc gut feeling told me to not open that can of worms. He came over last night and at 5 am he got up, went to the bathroom, and was like "I have to head home".  I said for what?  He was like, "I have some things to take care of."  (side note- he does live by himself).  I said okay.  I sent him a text this am asking if everything was okay bc he wasn't himself at all...He said, "no we're good."  I replied back "I didn't ask if we were good.  I asked if you were good". I then said, "listen, IDK if you picked up on it or not, but I genuinely care about you.  If you have something to tell me, be honest.  I'm honest with you, and I'm throwing that out there".  I have yet to hear back from him and do not intend to. 

This chapter of him in my life is closed.

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, catperson888 said:

. I then said, "listen, IDK if you picked up on it or not, but I genuinely care about you.  If you have something to tell me, be honest.  I'm honest with you, and I'm throwing that out there".  I have yet to hear back from him and do not intend to. 

Sorry this happened. Unfortunately he's still in FWB mode and doesn't want relationship talks. Try to end things if it's causing heartaches for you.

[catperson888]

9 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. Unfortunately he's still in FWB mode and doesn't want relationship talks. Try to end things if it's causing heartaches for you.

TY!  I appreciate it-- and I 10000000% agree with you.  I will not reach out to him first or initiate any further conversation. 

[ExpatInItaly]

7 hours ago, catperson888 said:

I then said, "listen, IDK if you picked up on it or not, but I genuinely care about you.  If you have something to tell me, be honest.  I'm honest with you, and I'm throwing that out there".  I have yet to hear back from him and do not intend to. 

This chapter of him in my life is closed.

That's for the best. You two have very different objectives here and don't view this romance the same way. He likely hasn't replied because he doesn't yet have the courage to tell you it's just a bit for fun for him. 

[Alpacalia]

You can't scare the right guy off. I don't think he was really into more than just a casual relationship, so he wasn't your guy in the first place. 

He didn't respond to your questions and it doesn't look like he has any intention on responding, so what you can do is accept it. It's best just to let it go and move on. You showed that you care and that you're honest which is a great quality to have but there's nothing more you can do if he doesn't want to respond.

 

Edited June 19, 2023 by Alpacalia

[Versacehottie]

On 6/18/2023 at 2:15 PM, catperson888 said:

Update:

I think I scared him off......

We hung out this week, and it was fine; I didn't say anything to him earlier this week bc gut feeling told me to not open that can of worms. He came over last night and at 5 am he got up, went to the bathroom, and was like "I have to head home".  I said for what?  He was like, "I have some things to take care of."  (side note- he does live by himself).  I said okay.  I sent him a text this am asking if everything was okay bc he wasn't himself at all...He said, "no we're good."  I replied back "I didn't ask if we were good.  I asked if you were good". I then said, "listen, IDK if you picked up on it or not, but I genuinely care about you.  If you have something to tell me, be honest.  I'm honest with you, and I'm throwing that out there".  I have yet to hear back from him and do not intend to. 

This chapter of him in my life is closed.

It may have been that you scared him off ...but I also think you tried to minimize yourself and/or play it too safe hoping he would stick around..  I'll highlight above:

*you didn't say anything to him because you are afraid to "rock the boat"; you will take the sh*tty status quo of shreds of attention over nothing. People pay attention to when you are putting your needs below theirs and by undervaluing yourself, they will then greatly undervalue you. I'm of the belief that guys might play dumb or like they don't notice nuances or when someone wants more because it suits what they want to do. IMO, you have to act like you can take them or leave them if you are operating without a commitment--a) because they haven't earned that right with you yet b) because it's a continued reminder to anyone that you know your worth and can easily find someone who would appreciate being in a relationship with you. The thing I like a lot when I hear guys talk about their wives or gf's that repeatedly comes up is "she makes me a better person". If you break that down, what it conveys is that he knows he needs to and wants to RAISE HIS GAME in order to get/keep her attention. So you definitely don't want to be the girl who at every turn conveys the message: "show me less and I'll still be here...ok show me a little less". It's a bad vicious circle that takes you FURTHER away from your goal rather than CLOSER to it. It might seem like you should make it "easy" and show him how much you care and how much he means to you--but all that is premature without a commitment (lol and even then!). BTW by "easy", I don't mean do the opposite and play hard to get but make someone "prove/earn access into your life". Then converse is more like what you are/were doing: let them into your life with no real standards or qualifications and then try to keep them there. A guy who wasn't necessarily sold on a relationship and wasn't made to SEE your value before you start lowering it to get him to "stay" under any circumstance is going to feel like he's being "sold" something he doesn't want.

*Asking if he is ok is again putting yourself second. You are trying to sell him the (girl's) dream that you'd be a caring girlfriend and obviously get to deeper feelings by not being afraid to have that conversation (once things you felt were off). To a guy, who hasn't decided to be with you, this probably feels like chasing and is exactly the opposite of the no strings thing he wanted to sign up for. Feels like unnecessary drama or discussing feelings with someone he would rather not lay all his cards on the table with. Leaving you confused suits him. And he doesn't want to be sold or convinced (that's probably why he didn't answer the last text; and he probably knows if he reappears a few days/weeks later, you'll willingly have him).In a way because he's already seen all your cards. This is exactly why it's important to QUALIFY access to your life. Think of it like a red rope to a VIP club--people want in 😀

Ok I'm sorry it didn't work out this time. The reason why I wrote out a detailed analysis is because I'd imagine maybe this type of behavior has happened to you before and I would say it will help you in the future to act in a way that is counter-intuitive to your instincts...Most girls whose natural instincts are to act like you did, will default to the angry, mean, shut the guy off...IMO, rather than get angry to get to this stage of no return, play the game more from the beginning....basically the game is the one that is: "you will need to up your commitment or level of investment to me, in order to gain more access to me"....when you do that from day one, in a natural, happy, i've got other priorities and you aren't one just yet, it usually goes much better and you are much happier! And provide yourself with more options! The message that stance repeatedly sends back to yourself is to value yourself, have the other priorities , date and flirt with others and see who treats you best and is most compatible with you. Then they are chasing you rather than vice versa. Good luck and I look forward to your next success story 🥰