Flew across the globe to save my LTR but she still wanted space.

[ThousandIsland]

A 6-year relationship with my European girl recently ended.

Let me first tell you how it all began. We started off as best friends. She had a long-distance boyfriend of 2 years at that time. We started developing feelings and confessed to each other (I did first). At this time, she said she was losing feelings for her boyfriend. However, since she was still technically dating, she did not agree to most physical intimacy and I respected that highly. We only kissed on the cheek, held hands, and cuddled. Then I went to the military so we started off as an open relationship. But no one hooked up with anyone else and decided to stay committed when she visited Singapore for the first time.

We'd been very dependent on each other. We lived together. We travelled the world together. We have numerous mutual friends from college. We did everything together and knew everything about each other. She always used to say that she will be with me forever. She used to talk about how we were perfect and compatible with each other. She said there was no better couple. We had a lot of fun together and we were nice to each other. She'd implicated the idea of marriage in the past, but I was to scared to give her any definite answer. But I was never opposed to it. My family found this strange, but, she was always very quick to apologize or change topics in most arguments even if it wasn't her fault. Anyways, last time we saw each other was when she visited me in Singapore in October. After that, I was supposed to join her for grad school in London but it didn't work out last minute due to unforeseen circumstances. So we started LDR but we knew it wasn't a big issue for us, as we had successfully maintained it for a total of 3 years. She started grad school and I started applying to jobs in London to be with her.

The second week of March had been bumpy, however. I was failing numerous job applications and got grumpy during our calls. I kept telling her I was depressed. We had arguments. But every time I got grumpy, I always made up to her the following day because I felt sorry and I loved her. So things got better between us. She asked if she could come to Singapore again in the coming summer and I said we should first see where I get my job. She asked me to come on a trip with her friends but I was actually busy with interviews and couldn’t make it. She said she understood. She expressed interests in moving closer to my country or even coming to live with me in Singapore. She said she will go wherever I go. I was happy to hear that but I was also a little worried about us. She seldom got offended when I didn’t explicitly involve her in my narrative when expressing my future goals.

March 30th, we started calling like any other day. In full surprise, my girlfriend told me she wanted a break in the relationship. She said we should talk once a week from now on. Her reasons were as follows: we had no definite promises for the future, we both wanted to stay close with our families, she did not know how to be independent, and long-distance had become unhealthy for her. She said she felt relieved that she was the one to say this first because she would have broken down if I were the one to tell her this. I don't think she was aware of how hurtful that sounds. I cried and said I saw this coming. I don’t know why I said that because I didn't.

I told her I was sorry for everything. I said I didn't want a break especially during LDR and that I could be better. She said she was also crying and suffering very much but that I couldn't change anything at this point. She said, “I did not understand when people said LDR is hard, but now I do. I cannot date over a small phone screen. Our realities are becoming increasingly different from each other. Let’s make efforts to come back together in person. Until then, we talk once a week and remove the label from our relationship. If someone else comes to me along the way, then that might happen”. When I told her I always imagined us growing old together, she said “We will. Let’s take this as a phase we overcome as a couple”. She said she didn't want to be in a relationship with no assurances. Her life in London felt comfortable with a nice group of friends. She even said finding a man won’t be hard. But said she loved me the most. She was scared of losing me and was confused. She wanted to be in an in-person relationship. She said she wanted someone beside her and she wanted that person to be me. She stressed that it wasn't a break up and that we should do this together as a couple.

I agonized for a couple days. I suffered and felt guilty. I also felt betrayed because I believe she could have communicated it with me rather than simply making a surprise announcement. Especially because we had been through thick and thin for the past 6 years. I myself never ever considered breaking up with her. Even when my feelings for her declined at times, I always made efforts to brush it off. Taking a break or breaking up with her was never an option for me. In the past, she told me that she will never break up with me and that if we were to break up it would be because I wanted it. I thought it could be possible that she found me less attractive after seeing me only at home with a devastated hair style, preparing for interviews.

I called her at night. I had so many questions. She said it was also not easy for her. She said she wasn't able to focus and had been shaking all the time. I told her I couldn't eat and had been crying all day. She said she still loved me and might scratch off the less-frequent-call suggestion since she will miss me. She said she will probably regret it. She talked as if it was mainly due to the circumstances of long distance. I also did not understand why she had to drop me when I was at my lowest. When questioned about it, she simply said: “When is the best time to do this?”. Quite selfish and out of character. When I asked, "why did you do this without any signs or discussion?", she said, "I did not want to break the trust"... Totally not understandable. So she eventually broke the trust. Did she think it was a better idea to do it this way?

 

The next day, I hopped on a flight to London. I bought the ticket and sprung to the airport all within 2 hours. I didn't think twice. I wanted to respond to her calling that she needed me beside her. I even ditched an important job interview because nothing was more important in my life than my girlfriend. It was the most erratic and decisive move I had ever made. I wanted to ask her to be with me for the rest of my life. My plan was to see her in-person whenever she had the time, as she was still busy with the final week of grad school.

After 18 hours of travel, I met her. To my surprise, she was cold. She did not appreciate it. I told her my solution to her problems. I told her that location was not important anymore and that I could either come live with her or she could come live with me starting from summer. I offered her to come to Singapore so we can get an apartment together. I asserted that I can take care of everything. She responded by saying, "What if I don't want to go to Singapore anymore? If you had told me this just two weeks earlier, I would have said yes. But I am not sure now. Also your future goals always seemed more important than me". She said my solutions didn't sound feasible. I was shocked. She said I would blame her if I sacrificed everything and came to London for her. I was offended because I would never do that.

She said it is unfair that i came when she asked for space to think. But I came because she said she wanted me… She said "so now you finally came" and said I should have come when she asked me multiple times before. I thought she understood that I didn't have the time to come visit for a short period when I was trying to get a job to be with her permanently. I flew now because it was an emergency. She also mentioned, "I imagined being with you in London more than a million times, but not like this". She said I am guilt tripping and pressuring her. She was cold and different. However, her eyes, at least, still looked genuine yet confused. She unwillingly let me stay over at her place because my phone broke. We made out, cuddled, felt each other up for a little while but she didn't want to go further.

To summarize my urgent trip to London, she only allowed me to see her 3 times out of 11 days I was there. She talked and texted differently. No loving expressions. She did not return calls on one of the nights either because it was 'so loud' at the bar with friends. She’d never done that before. I was alone in London. She was busy with exams but she was also busy with her friends that she did not allow me to see. She was even making summer plans with them. I felt like she dd not appreciate me with the emergence of her new friend group. I also thought she might already have a guy in London. She said, "No, because I respect you as a person. Why would I have your photos on my wall?". I believed her based on her record. But all of this was unusual to me. I just wanted to believe her.

I met her for the second time. I bought her a bouquet of flowers. I cried almost the whole time I saw her. She acted so different. Every time I held her hand she moved away after some time. This broke my heart. It was so hard to understand her behaviors when I flew to London after she told me she would want me by her side. Her love expressions on messenger and video calls were exactly the same as they’d been for the past 6 years. She was relieved there were few friends in London that took care of me. But was it an appropriate relief at the time? I kept on asking and convincing in order to understand and mend the situation. In response, she repeatedly shouted, "I don't owe you anything". I was shocked. Was it all transactional for her? She went back to her friends at the library with my flowers. But apparently neither did she speak nor did anyone inquire about the flowers.

That's why all of this was so confusing for me. Was it all a lie? She blamed it on that week period in March where we kept having arguments. However, during the time leading up to her announcement for a break, we were back to being completely fine again as I mentioned. I called her to tell her bed time stories when she couldn't sleep and we were being cute as hell. So all of this was hard to take in. It was difficult to connect the dots when her story were incoherent. She also said her insomnia lately was actually due to concerns about us.

On the last day we had promised to meet in London, she texted me at the last minute to say that she can't see me. She apparently forgot she had made plans to go to a park with her friends. She said she will either text me when she’s back or that we could push it for the next day. Mind you, I was leaving the next day evening. I was in rage and felt betrayed and neglected. Was going to a park more important than seeing me who flew across continents? I called her and said even if her friends were her new priority she shouldn’t treat her boyfriend of 6 years like this. I told her she's treating me so inhumanely and, of course, she disagreed. She said I was guilt tripping her and that I shouldn’t pressure her. In the heat of the moment, she said she frankly didn't even want to see me and she didn't want to be with me for now. I told her there's no "for now" and that she should just tell me she wants to break up for good but she kept insisting "for now". She later said this was a mistake but I didn't know what to believe anymore. This entire experience was very traumatic for me.

[text exchange withdrawn]

When we finally met for the last time the next day, I was ready to just end it there. But I realized I still loved her. I felt stupid and abandoned. She said she’d been hurt too so I felt sorry for that. She said she still needed time and space to think about our relationship. I told her whatever she decides with our relationship I will accept and follow. We both cried. We hugged thinking that it might be the last time ever. I left with mixed feelings. I looked back for a while but she never did.

I flew back home. She also flew back to hers. We texted a little about each other’s trip back home. She didn't mention anything about a heartfelt letter I gave her. She sounded reserved but still kind of responded to my loving expressions. She was worried about my health and checked on me. She sent me pictures from a family trip because we travelled there last summer. Even after all that happened, I loved her. So I sent her jobs to apply for in Singapore and said I want to visit her again soon. We had a nice normal conversation. But that was it. I decided to start NC until she reached out again.

Today marks 8-weeks since our last text. She did not text me once ever since. I've been thinking that she will come back if we're truly meant to be. So far, It seems that she went on a road trip with her friends and started an internship. Nothing much going on on her social media. Pictures of us are still up on her socials and our names are saved as pet names and hearts on messengers. For weeks, I couldn’t sleep without anti-stress pills and sleeping pills. For the first few weeks, I was hopeful that she will finish taking her time and return to me. But now, I am hopeless and decided to move on. It's been the darkest time of my life as I also had to deal with interviews along with mental health. It's getting better but I am still suffering from depression that hits me like a truck at times. Friends and family are worried about me but I'm trying my best to get through it. I also landed a couple jobs in Singapore. She also learned this from social media.

Always thought she was the one. I do believe things could have been different had I given her assurance for the future. I regret handling things in better fashion, but the situation was tough for me too. Now, I am not so confident if I could trust anyone or have another meaningful relationship. A minuscule part of me still looks forward to reconciling with her considering years of good memories and growing together. However, I know this is probably unrealistic and unhealthy for me. So I am moving on.

At this point, I just want to understand a few things about her and the situation. Just from my explanation, any guess on what might be going on in her mind? Are there any female dumpers that sympathize with her behaviors? How can one be like this? Has anyone gone through a similar experience? How did it go for you?

Edited June 13, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[glows]

I’m assuming you met in your late teens and are similar ages since you went to college together after you did NS in sg - is that correct? She went off to do grad school in London and you wanted to look for a job in London but that it wasn’t meant to be. Are you employed in sg now or somewhere else?

The thing to understand is that she is ready to move on and hasn’t contacted you. Breaking up is hard to do and not easy no matter what age. You’ve been together for six years and there’s some history. Do what’s best for yourself now and live in the present not in the past. She’s not in your present and it’s best to move forward. 

Your paths may cross again but life is also trickling by. It was inappropriate to visit her in London unannounced but I see why you did it. I think you took her words too literally. She was already leaving the relationship and you turning up just caused confusion. I can imagine how upsetting it would be to feel her coldness. She was ready to say goodbye and enjoying her new life. Stay focused on yours. What are your goals now? 

When a relationship ends we need to reassess what’s important to us.

Edited June 13, 2023 by glows

[JTSW]

I can totally understand where she is coming from.

She took the time to come visit you a few times, but you continually cancelled plans to visit her.

She was tired of being the one putting most of the effort in and the relationship became a strain on her health and wellbeing.

She did the right thing ending it for both your sakes.

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, ThousandIsland said:

 A minuscule part of me still looks forward to reconciling with her considering years of good memories and growing together. However, I know this is probably unrealistic and unhealthy for me. So I am moving on.

It's good you're moving on. She's been trying to end it and despite your last ditch efforts, she doesn't see a way forward. Sadly this may be a situation of a little too little a little too late. Unfortunately flying out there in a frantic attempt to salvage things didn't work out. Try to accept that you tried but it does take 2 to make it work and she checked out a while ago.

Edited June 13, 2023 by Wiseman2

[Ageless Wisdom23]

I am sorry for your pain and the way you were treated.  I feel you wasted a lot of money and a lot of your precious time on someone who didn't really want to be with you and could not make any real promises.  You deserve better.  I broke it off with a LDR from The UK.  Four years together.  My reasons were a bit different but now he has a lot of resentment for me.  Maybe it was the way I handled it.  I would never go back with him.  Too Toxic.  Move on.  She has chosen the life she wants and who she wants in her life now.  😪

[ExpatInItaly]

23 hours ago, ThousandIsland said:

I called her and said even if her friends were her new priority she shouldn’t treat her boyfriend of 6 years like this.

Huh? You were her ex-boyfriend, OP. Not her boyfriend anymore. She was right that she didn't owe you anything at that point. 

23 hours ago, ThousandIsland said:

I told her she's treating me so inhumanely and, of course, she disagreed. She said I was guilt tripping her and that I shouldn’t pressure her.

She is right about this, too. You show up unannounced and uninvited, and expect her to make time for you? No, man. That's not inhumane. It's you being unrealistic, demanding, and frankly, pretty selfish. You took a big risk flying there, and that's your pill to swallow. Not hers. 

I don't mean to be unkind, but you are not getting it. It sounds like she tried for a long time to keep the connection alive with you, and look for ways to be together. You, however, continued to side-step and avoid her. Eventually, people get tired of that. She reached the point where she didn't have the desire to keep this going anymore, and yes, maybe someone else caught her eye. In any case, she is right to end this. It isn't working, and she was ready to move on. You will get there, too. Until then, be kind to yourself. Be patient with your healing. And think about boundaries too. You steam-rolled right over hers by showing up like you did. 

 

[OurLoveTurnsToRust]

You should have given her all the space she asked for when she only wanted to speak once a week, in fact, you should have taken it further and not have spoken to her at all from that point, but ONLY on your time and convenience, not her schedule she was pushing on you.  You certainly should not have chased her 1/2 way around the world and demanded her time.  YOU needed to pull back, but instead, you pushed the situation too far.  She never got the opportunity to miss you, and there is probably another guy in the picture.  You took the weak frame and of course are now regretting it.  She wanted stability, not someone who was going to become unstable on her call.   Live and learn.