The battle within me for a greater future

[SeasonKiller]

I hope you all are having a lovely wherever you are. The reason why I am writing out here is because I am feeling lost, unsure of what should I do. I have tried finding the answers within myself, asking about it to my friends and colleagues, family members, and still I am torn in between.

I am a Malaysian, now 33 years old and I have a love, living and career situation. Back story is I have been with my girlfriend, now fiancé, for more than 9 years. Before Covid happened, we have always decided that we would want to build our future in Australia because that was where we met and where we started off our career. But ever since Covid hit, and I had to move back to Malaysia, I have been working in my family business. Since 2020 until now, I have been helping my parents with their businesses. After helping them out for almost 3 years, I have picked up a lot of responsibility and commitments along the way. Seeing that my parents are old, and they don’t have the drive to work as much as they were younger, its only logical that I should help them. After all, they are my parents, and I love them.

On the other hand, after speaking to my fiancé about staying back in Malaysia, she was crushed. Because all along our plans was to be in Australia. Telling her that I want to stay back cause her to back out of the relationship. I don’t blame her for it, because where I am in Malaysia, it’s a very small town which she would not be happy as she does not speak the language or have any friends there. At the end of the day, she only has me and nothing else.

I tried to persuade her but she is a tough cookie and will not say yes. She loves me a lot too, but at the end of the day, she needs her own life too. She needs her own circle of friends, she needs entertainment which where I am currently staying in Malaysia, there’s not much entertainment. I want to go to Australia with her too because we both love each other. But the thought of leaving my parents saddens my heart as I am a very family oriented person. At the same time, I don’t want my fiancé to leave too as I love her dearly.

I have been having this battle within me and it is eating me up inside. Torn between two worlds forcing me to choose. Sleepless nights, endless thinking about it is just taking a toll on my mental health.

I appreciate all of you to take the time to read through my dilemma and frustrations. I am just so lost in life.

[Wiseman2]

9 minutes ago, SeasonKiller said:

 speaking to my fiancé about staying back in Malaysia, she was crushed. Because all along our plans was to be in Australia. 

Unfortunately you changed the plan because of your family obligations. She never agreed to live in Malaysia. Please consider setting each other free rather than either of you being unhappy or guilty about where you have to or want to live.

[JTSW]

16 minutes ago, SeasonKiller said:

Torn between two worlds forcing me to choose.

What is there to choose?

Your parents would want you to live your own life. 

Do they have other friends or family there with them that can help run the business?

If they are as old as you say, can they retire?

If so, what's stopping you from living your life with your gf?

Are you that enmeshed with your parents that you are willing to risk never having a relationship just be in Malaysia with them?

Because that is what is happening. 

[Foxhall]

Yes Id have to agree with the previous poster , I suppose I bring some knowledge of this to the table coming from my own family or culture anyway at times where people got bogged down and trapped saying too long with family,

better break away and build a new life when the opportunity is there- these opportunities dont arise forever,

As I said Ive seen complete homebirds who never leave and if you choose that route perhaps the challenge is finding a woman who will be happy to also care for your parents- again something which may be possible,

in my view that leads to regrets later- better and healthier to break away when you have the chance.

 

 

 

 

 

[glows]

Where is she now? 

It’s difficult leaving family behind - not going to advise you to do that if you feel your obligation is to your family. 

However I have another option - why not sell the business and immigrate bringing your parents with you to Australia? Msia is a short plane ride away for visits since I’m assuming you have other family still in Malaysia.

If your gf was hoping for a smooth and quick getaway to spend a new life with you in another country that’s very naive. Obviously she has known for some time that you’ve been taking on more with the business and appear to take on caring for your parents. Both of you will have to come to some compromise if you want to stay together. The timeline may overlap or not completely coincide. For ie she may have to go to Australia first and then you with your parents or stagger it while you clean up or finish what you have to do in Malaysia.

[Els]

Hi OP, fellow immigrant here. I feel your pain.

You just have to decide for yourself what is more important to you. You can't expect your fiancee to leave her home to be with you, especially if you'd met while you were living in Australia and the plan all along was to remain there. So it's you who has to choose.

There is no right or wrong answer. If you are happy living in Malaysia, then it might make sense for you to return to be with your parents, and you may eventually marry a Malaysian woman. On the other hand, if you yourself feel like you would be happiest living in Australia with your fiancee, then perhaps you should consider prioritizing your life and your happiness. I understand that you were raised to believe in the whole filial piety thing, but as a person who grew up in a similar culture as yours, my personal thoughts are: If your parents love you, they would want you to move forward in life and to be happy with or without them.

5 hours ago, glows said:

However I have another option - why not sell the business and immigrate bringing your parents with you to Australia?

Odds of this happening are slim in 2023. Parental visas basically get the lowest priority out of all family category visas, takes 5-10 years to get a response, and many are rejected, especially if they have health conditions. If he's absolutely set on never leaving his parents, it's best that he decide now instead of 10 years from now, especially since they're talking marriage and/or kids. He's going to be in an inescapable bind if their visa gets declined when he already has a home, wife, and/or children in Australia.

Edited June 13, 2023 by Els

[Els]

Edit: Umm, wow, I just checked the visa website again and the wait time is actually 29 years now, lol.

https://immi.homeaffairs.gov.au/visas/getting-a-visa/visa-listing/parent-103

[SeasonKiller]

18 hours ago, JTSW said:

What is there to choose?

Your parents would want you to live your own life. 

Do they have other friends or family there with them that can help run the business?

If they are as old as you say, can they retire?

If so, what's stopping you from living your life with your gf?

Are you that enmeshed with your parents that you are willing to risk never having a relationship just be in Malaysia with them?

Because that is what is happening. 

Hi JTSW, thanks for your feedback. Yes, my parents would want me to live my own life and so do I. But my Dad has built his empire and it is a waste to just sell it off. As the only son in the family, there are a lot of burden that I have to bare. No one else can take over the company except me. That is why I am having this dilema.

Not to say that I am staying because of his fortune, but working for my Dad has broaden my horizon and the lessons he gives when  I was working, is invaluable. At the same time, I can't do long distance  if she were to be in Australia while learning from my Dad. I'm in a pickle because its either I stay back in Malaysia for my career or go to Australia for love.

[SeasonKiller]

10 hours ago, Els said:

Hi OP, fellow immigrant here. I feel your pain.

You just have to decide for yourself what is more important to you. You can't expect your fiancee to leave her home to be with you, especially if you'd met while you were living in Australia and the plan all along was to remain there. So it's you who has to choose.

There is no right or wrong answer. If you are happy living in Malaysia, then it might make sense for you to return to be with your parents, and you may eventually marry a Malaysian woman. On the other hand, if you yourself feel like you would be happiest living in Australia with your fiancee, then perhaps you should consider prioritizing your life and your happiness. I understand that you were raised to believe in the whole filial piety thing, but as a person who grew up in a similar culture as yours, my personal thoughts are: If your parents love you, they would want you to move forward in life and to be happy with or without them.

Odds of this happening are slim in 2023. Parental visas basically get the lowest priority out of all family category visas, takes 5-10 years to get a response, and many are rejected, especially if they have health conditions. If he's absolutely set on never leaving his parents, it's best that he decide now instead of 10 years from now, especially since they're talking marriage and/or kids. He's going to be in an inescapable bind if their visa gets declined when he already has a home, wife, and/or children in Australia.

Hi Els,

Thank you for the response. For my parents to move out of Malaysia is out of the question as they have their friends here, their own community, and their own activities. The only problem lies within me whether or not I want to move out to Australia for love or stay back in Malaysia for career. I can't have the best of both worlds. At the end of the day, I do not want to live a life with regrets. When I have decided to stay back in Malaysia, I have this guilt inside of me where I have wasted my fiance's time and effort to be together with me. 9 years of relationship down the drain.

On the other hand, if I decide to move to Australia, I have also this guilt that lingers because I feel like I have the responsibility of taking over my Dad's company because I am the only son and there is no one to continue on his legacy. The amount of knowledge that he has poured into me is invaluable because he teaches me every single thing. I can't say the same if i were to work for someone else. Another reason why I have this guilt is because without both my parents, there would be no me. I feel like I have a responsibility to take care of them too when they grow older.

[Els]

1 hour ago, SeasonKiller said:

Thank you for the response. For my parents to move out of Malaysia is out of the question as they have their friends here, their own community, and their own activities.

In that case, as they have a community around them and their own support network, is it really essential for you to be there all the time?

1 hour ago, SeasonKiller said:

I have also this guilt that lingers because I feel like I have the responsibility of taking over my Dad's company because I am the only son and there is no one to continue on his legacy.

Okay, I'm going to be frank with you here, and please understand that I'm saying this from a place of empathy, because I also grew up being raised to believe in the things that you are talking about.

Are you really going to throw away your entire life (and remember, you get just one!) and the person you hope to spend the remainder of that life with, just to preserve a company that might dissolve if another economic recession comes? If your only concern is the company and what you perceive to be your "responsibilities to it as the only son", then the answer is a no-brainer to me. It's just a company. A business entity, created for the purpose of making money. I know it's your dad's company, but it's still just a company.

1 hour ago, SeasonKiller said:

Another reason why I have this guilt is because without both my parents, there would be no me. I feel like I have a responsibility to take care of them too when they grow older.

They chose to have you, because they wanted a son for themselves. You didn't have any say in the matter. Considering that you're 33, a productive member of society, and you still have a good relationship with them, I'd say you are fulfilling any reasonable expectation that parents can have of a child.

You don't owe them your life.

Look, man, I've talked to people who look back later in life and regret that they lived their life solely for everyone else except themselves. And now they're elderly, or diagnosed with terminal cancer, and they can't take all that time back. They have to die knowing that they never truly lived.

If you really feel like life in Malaysia is what you want for YOU, and that outweighs your relationship with your fiancee, then that's fine. Like I said, there's no right or wrong answer. But don't make the decision out of guilt or "responsibility". Those are just an imaginary prison that we create for ourselves.

Edited June 14, 2023 by Els

[JTSW]

2 hours ago, SeasonKiller said:

But my Dad has built his empire and it is a waste to just sell it off. As the only son in the family, there are a lot of burden that I have to bare. No one else can take over the company except me.

 

2 hours ago, SeasonKiller said:

working for my Dad has broaden my horizon and the lessons he gives when  I was working, is invaluable.

 

2 hours ago, SeasonKiller said:

its either I stay back in Malaysia for my career or go to Australia for love.

 

 

It sounds like you've made your decision because there is nothing really stopping you from going to Australia.

It's obvious that you don't want to go and would rather stay running the business.

If they sold the business they could retire comfortably and enjoy the rest of their life.

I feel you are just making excuses not to go.

Edited June 14, 2023 by JTSW

[JTSW]

2 hours ago, SeasonKiller said:

Another reason why I have this guilt is because without both my parents, there would be no me. I feel like I have a responsibility to take care of them too when they grow older.

Seriously?

Just admit that you do not want to go Australia. 

These excuses are getting ridiculous.

You will be better off just being honest with everyone.

[Wiseman2]

23 hours ago, SeasonKiller said:

 speaking to my fiancé about staying back in Malaysia, she was crushed. Because all along our plans was to be in Australia. Telling her that I want to stay back cause her to back out of the relationship.

Is she in Australia now? When you decided to move back to Malaysia, did you tell her it was a visit or a permanent move? Why would she stick around for years if you told her you were moving there permanently? 

Are you from the same cultural and religious background? Why would she move to Malaysia if she doesn't speak the language, know anyone or have a job there?

If you are from a collectivist culture, it may be expected that you take care of your elders above all. Unfortunately you'll have to set your GF free. 

She doesn't want to move to Malaysia because you agreed to live in Australia but then unilaterally decided to move home permanently to take care of your parents. It's unclear why she kept communicating with you if you de facto ended things by moving out of Australia to Malaysia permanently.

[Els]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

When you decided to move back to Malaysia, did you tell her it was a visit or a permanent move? Why would she stick around for years if you told her you were moving there permanently? 

It sounds to me like he was probably in Australia on a work visa and had to return to Malaysia when Covid happened, because the Australian borders closed and they stopped renewing work visas during Covid. So it looks like it was initially intended to be temporary and they thought he'd return to Aus later once they got married, probably because his fiancee has Australian residency/citizenship and can sponsor him. Probably, when he was back in Malaysia, the collectivist culture grew back on him and he started to feel like he should follow the footsteps of his peers, hence the unilateral decision later on. Happens to a lot of Asians who emigrate and then "visit" back home for whatever reason.

Of course, I could be wrong.

[Wiseman2]

On 6/13/2023 at 5:06 AM, SeasonKiller said:

 I had to move back to Malaysia, I have been working in my family business. Since 2020 until now, I have been helping my parents with their businesses. 

Why did you "have to" move back to Malaysia?  Did you tell her it was a permanent move as soon as you decided to stay and help your family? How long have the Australian boarders been open again?

Edited June 14, 2023 by Wiseman2

[glows]

Has your fiancée already broken up with you? Not clear here what her expectations are. Why did she stay in a relationship with you for 9 years knowing you were taking on more with the family business during the past few years? My point is get rid of that guilt. You didn’t force your partner to stay with you. She stayed of her own accord. 

She’s upset but you’re right that she has to move on. Make a clean break if you both break up. The responsibility is not only on you in the event of a break up. It’s very likely she knew and saw what was going on and was in denial for a long time. 

Don’t keep living your life filled with guilt. Make a decision and just go for it. It’s ok to feel sad losing someone you care about.

[Stingray815]

My take is your parents lived their lives is time for you to live yours. You knew your dad would want to leave you the business, did you tell him ,you’re not interested. Why not hired someone off your parents and your choosing who reports to you -so you still be the CEO but at the same time you live your life. You have best of both worlds. 

[Lotsgoingon]

Tough one. I wasn't dating when my parents were ailing and in need of lots of help. I lived 3 hours drive away, which was good in some ways because I didn't run to see them all the time. But I saw them a lot. Exhausting. 

I was single (recently divorced) with no children so I felt OK about helping them. 

I can see your gf's hesitancy here. If your family is from a culture that expects you to prioritize them, then that seem rude and dismissive to people not in that kind of family. I helped my parents not out of any cultural expectation. Just because I loved them and wanted to limit their suffering.

Don't know what to tell you. You don't want to stop doing what you're doing for your parents on account of a gf. That's really hard and you'll likely end up resenting her. On the other hand, don't expect gf to be quiet and fine with basically being de-prioritized. 

Tough one brother. I will say that it would probably help gf if you showed some independence (if only intellectual) from the family expectations. On the other hand, these are the expectations you would bring into a relationship with this woman and presumably a marriage with her. So this conflict is in that sense a good conflict. A good conflict is one that cannot be avoided and is about genuinely conflicting views of the world.