Not much in common with brother

[deepthinking]

I feel unsure of my place in his life. We were not brought up together but as we met up in middle-age, I was happy to see what would happen. 

I am an affectionate sister and am committed to him, with love,  but have to face the fact that he has more in common with other family members, and lively conversations, banter that l cannot fake, cannot carry off. 

So my role is one of - what? We are both over 65 years old. Banter with his wife, also mature, and with his daughter. 

Any ideas? When I made the decision to bond with him, I never thought I would have this sense of not fitting in. 

Edited June 14, 2023 by deepthinking

[Alpacalia]

One role you can take on in his life is that of a supportive family member. Even though you two weren't raised together, you can still foster a relationship based on love and support, offering a listening ear and understanding. You don't have to fit into the same conversations or activities that the other family members have in order to be close to your brother.

You also have the opportunity to share your family memories with him and build a connection based on shared history.

Edited June 15, 2023 by Alpacalia

[deepthinking]

5 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

One role you can take on in his life is that of a supportive family member. Even though you two weren't raised together, you can still foster a relationship based on love and support, offering a listening ear and understanding. You don't have to fit into the same conversations or activities that the other family members have in order to be close to your brother.

You also have the opportunity to share your family memories with him and build a connection based on shared history.

Thank you,  but I do all that already.. Only recently has this new impasse arisen in this family group at a celebration that had a lot of banter going on, due to his daughter being there.

[Alpacalia]

3 hours ago, deepthinking said:

Thank you,  but I do all that already.. Only recently has this new impasse arisen in this family group at a celebration that had a lot of banter going on, due to his daughter being there.

If his daughter was present, then it makes sense that they would interact more. It is okay to have these feelings - just try to not personalize the situation. 

Just let him be himself and you will do the same. Two of my brothers and I are close, but one of them I don't share much in common with, and I'm fine with that. My preference is to not always be in sync with each other.

Keep an open mind when talking. Connect with your brother about what you already have in common.

[Wiseman2]

13 hours ago, deepthinking said:

. We were not brought up together but as we met up in middle-age, 

Were either of you adopted or living apart as half siblings? What prompted the reunion in middle age?  Now that you've reconnected try to get reacquainted and play it by ear.

[Ageless Wisdom23]

I actually can relate to that fact.  I live miles away from my middle sister and it just appears even with us Talking------She has a lot of jealousy and resentment towards me as we got older.  My Looks, Success(I am a playwright)and  have moved and traveled all over and so forth.  And it seems that the ONLY time she really wants to be with me is at Thanksgiving when I can bring my EX and we can laugh with her hubby as we all do the Turkey.  I believe as we all grow older with our Family, Things change and it sometimes and more often is never the same.  All you can do is make the most of it and chime in when you feel it is the right time.  Other than That----Be grateful the family is able to be together.  It never lasts forever.  Most 🤕of my family is gone now.....

[glows]

He possibly knows and is aware you’re trying but why would you want to be what he is or what they are? You tried to reconnect to “see what happens”. 

I’d let this unfold more naturally. It may be the case that you both know of each other but aren’t super close. Not all siblings are “bonded” or enjoy a close bond and that’s perfectly fine. 

Your role is blood relative. Think of it the same way as you would with a friend you consider like a sister. You may not be way up in each others’ business all the time but you’re there when it counts. 

[deepthinking]

18 minutes ago, glows said:

He possibly knows and is aware you’re trying but why would you want to be what he is or what they are? You tried to reconnect to “see what happens”. 

I’d let this unfold more naturally. It may be the case that you both know of each other but aren’t super close. Not all siblings are “bonded” or enjoy a close bond and that’s perfectly fine. 

Your role is blood relative. Think of it the same way as you would with a friend you consider like a sister. You may not be way up in each others’ business all the time but you’re there when it counts. 

He has  not replied to my text and 2 emails, and that's since I visited him last Monday, when the banter was going on. He texted me that it was lovely to see me, I texted i love you too, and now no replies.  I agree to your role suggestion, but how do i wind things back to a less dramatic, if you will, situation?

[NuevoYorko]

It's okay if you're different from him and his more immediate family members that he's been around all his life.  I wouldn't be surprised if it's the same for you.  

Even in families where siblings have been  together all their lives, there are varying degrees of closeness.  

Don't worry too much about "banter."   Just be yourself and enjoy getting to know these new-to-you family members however it comes naturally.

[glows]

11 hours ago, deepthinking said:

He has  not replied to my text and 2 emails, and that's since I visited him last Monday, when the banter was going on. He texted me that it was lovely to see me, I texted i love you too, and now no replies.  I agree to your role suggestion, but how do i wind things back to a less dramatic, if you will, situation?

There’s nothing to respond to… no question or anything specific. I think you’re expecting an ongoing chat like daily messages? 

I have never told my brothers I love them.. Thank God they’ve never said it to me. We might make fun of each other and joke about whether the other is dying most likely. At least one of them has the same twisted humour. The other one would probably completely ignore it and ask where we’re going to eat or change the topic.

I understand you may be looking for some friendship but that takes time. Maybe you didn’t have that time together growing up so are looking for a adult friendship of some kind. Keep in mind he has his own life and it’s ok not to stay in contact all the time. All you have to know is that you’ve got one another’s back should either of you ever need help. It sounds like his family welcomes you. I’d probably strongly suggest you find actual girlfriends or friends you can talk to. 

[ShyViolet]

You cannot force a close relationship where there is not one.  Either it happens naturally or it doesn't.  Just accept the fact that you and him have different lives and the relationship may never be a close one.  

[stillafool]

On 6/15/2023 at 9:11 AM, deepthinking said:

He has  not replied to my text and 2 emails, and that's since I visited him last Monday, when the banter was going on. He texted me that it was lovely to see me, I texted i love you too, and now no replies.  I agree to your role suggestion, but how do i wind things back to a less dramatic, if you will, situation?

I too don't see a reason to respond to what you wrote.  My brother wants a closer relationship with me; but we just don't have much in common.  I do love him and tell him this but we get along better (I feel) if we don't see each other often.  Sometimes I feel he only wants to get together because he knows I don't so he tries to control me and our relationship which is another reason I'm never keen.

[glows]

I also want to mention not all siblings get along. You have the same parents or share a parent but it doesn’t mean you’re clones of one another. I don’t think the three of us are anything alike overall and don’t even look related although we have both of the same parents. The values are similar due to same upbringing but interests are vastly and totally dissimilar along with communication styles. Humour varies.

[deepthinking]

Thank you everybody.  I have now come to the same conclusion that you all alluded to,  each of you to some extent.  

Edited June 18, 2023 by deepthinking