Social animal without his crowd.

[Stingray815]

Semi-retired guy struggling with being alone without the camaraderie of colleagues.Having been given a force retirement during Covid, I went into Real Estate and been doing for a year with no transaction yet. Also, I got certified as a life coach to share my experience and knowledge in the nonprofit field. 
My personality is one of people , my 30+ years I had lunch with the same couple of people everyday and I  met with my group regularly to brainstorm and talk. We all went through our life crisis and supported each other. 

Fast-forward two years and most of the people I worked with moved on. I keep in touch with a few and have lunch with them occasionally. In Real Estate I spoke to my mentor about my struggles and he laughed. He said people are here to make money not socialized. I made some friends but is more like acquaintances. Life coaching, I just started but is a lone endeavor. 
I tried to volunteer at a hospital and they want a two year commitment and other places I tried but nothing came from it. My wife stills work and won’t retire until another 5 years. 
I thought of re-entering the rat race but I’m in my 60s , I don’t know. I did tried a few places and they never contacted me, places that said they were hiring like Best Buy, Costco and Apple.

My dream was to teach at a college or University (I have a Masters in Education and Psychology.) but that another hurdle I haven’t been able to overcome , every college and University never got back. Some said I’ll be put on a waiting list and I’m still waiting. Lol.
As far as hobbies, I have plenty,: audiophile aficionado, sports betting, books, movies , writing and working out. We do see a couple once in awhile and for dinner and drinks. 

Thoughts?

P.S. I just finished The Wisdom of Crowds by James Surowiecki. This would be a perfect example of the wisdom of the crowds.
Thanks in advance. 

[glows]

Would you be interested in classes? You might like to check out classes at a local community centre for ie. That’s what I did and then went off and explored other events and clubs. Use it like a starting point and find new interests. I wish I were more magnanimous and able to say I like volunteering but I don’t enjoy it. I do it because the overall outcome is positive but find no enjoyment in it. I think I’m more of one of those people who work to live not live to work.

Your boss has a point but I think there’s also something to be said about continuing friendships with old colleagues. Some professional associations let you volunteer ie oversee exams/invigilate or organize get togethers. It may not always be exciting but at least you get to interact with people in the process plus feel good about helping out. 

I also recommend learning a new language or musical instrument if you have the space and privacy. You say your wife works so I’m assuming you have the place yourself to enjoy. You can join language clubs and exchanges along with performing if you like performing or playing for a crowd and mingling etc.

Edited June 15, 2023 by glows

[Alpacalia]

It pretty much sounds like you have already taken a lot of steps to find social satisfaction and professional fulfillment. It is common for many of these experiments may take time to bear fruit as you look for the right match.

Have you considered starting your own online community or blog? Sharing your own knowledge and experiences, you will have the opportunity to form meaningful connections with peers and mentors who are interested in the same topics. Perhaps you may even find ways to monetize your online content.

Also, what do you think about teaching online classes while waiting? My father has a master's in math and was a professor but then went on to start his own business. After having sold his business, he was eager to reenter the work field by returning to teaching. Unfortunately, since much of the educational sector had shifted to a hybrid or online format, he wasn't particularly interested in hybrid/online formats.

Also check out some local high schools or websites that offer tutoring services. If you are an audiophile, look for online or offline groups or forums to get involved in. All of this could be done on your terms and without the commitments that come with traditional work or volunteering. Meetup is a great resource too.

Edited June 15, 2023 by Alpacalia

[Lotsgoingon]

You just have to keep going out, trying various events. Also dating. The thing is you never know who you meet that ends up being good and then introduces you to other people and they turn out to be good.

I remember after graduate school, a woman buddy of mine left town to start a new job.  My social network was gutted. That one friend was a treasure just herself. But she generated all kinds of other activities. But over time I rebuilt my friend network. You gotta find things you like to do and you GOT to get out of the house. 

It's better to go sit in a coffee shop and say "hi" to people than to sit at home--better for your mood and your sense of social connection. Your enemy here is panic. You meet people you don't connect with, then it's easy to imagine you'll connect with no one. 

Ignore the dumb comment from your mentor. That kind of comment can be demoralizing.  Of course, people come to work to make money and get a check and they make tons of connections and friendships. Don't let that kind of idiotic dismissive statement (which he might have said off the cuff) stop you if you want to connect more with people at your old job. What kind of mentor is he?! If your mentor doesn't know that work provides social connections for many people--so much so that it's not unusual for people who retire, like you, to find themselves feeling isolated. If he doesn't know that, he's an idiot--at least on this matter. The kind could have let himself think for a few minutes about strategies of older retired folks he knows. I go on about this because it seems his comment left you dejected. 

Spend some time googling good activities for retired folks. You probably need to expand your sense of the opportunities out there. Example: a buddy of mine is in a social club that invites all kinds of speakers and they have a nice building, they have meals. He loves it. And it's not that expensive. You can also hold dinners at your place and invite all the people you like. Invite folks over to listen to that audiophile equipment. See who comes and see who you like.

I would also say think back to your favorite people at work--people you REALLY liked. Meet with them and tell them how much you enjoy time with them. Sometimes men don't say the obvious. 

And google--google for local activities and google for making the transition that you're making and google overcoming social isolation after retiring from work.  You'll read other stories and feel like less of a freak and you'll discover (hopefully) some activities you are willing to try out. 

And I'm sorry there isn't more of a crowd here responding to you to create the wisdom of crowds. 

Edited June 15, 2023 by Lotsgoingon

[Stingray815]

Thank you for your comments. I like the idea of classes. I love learning. I speak Spanish but I would love to learn another language. Although I’m Puerto Rican, I’m fascinated with the Asian culture and would love to speak Chinese or Japanese. My dad spoke Japanese, he picked it when he was in Japan. 

 I will check here in Los Angeles for classes . I looked into teaching classes but most of the places charge money and I’m skittish about paying for that privilege. I tried meetup and even set up a group but no bites. 

Years ago, I tried my hand on blogging but nothing came of it. I need an internet whisperer. They have all these services, I can get you 10K followers, just 199 dollars and 35 dollars a month. Yikes. I even tried You Tube and that didn’t pan out. Maybe I gave up too soon . I don’t know. 
Lol, I even tried pen pal global. And I made contact but I think many were looking for a love connection. Exit left. 
 

I appreciate your comments, keep them coming. I will let you know if I break the code. One good thing, in my youth I wanted to be a writer so I started a novel. Inspired by The Sorrows of Young Werther by Goethe- for those that major in  literature.

i am busy, I just finished the Whole 30 diet for a month and lost 8 pounds and I’ve been a runner all of my life but my MRI came out with a degenerative labrum so I’m trying to find a workaround, plan  and  take PT and start running, (used to be my therapy beside my daily glass of wine. Lol.)

Is nice to be able to express my thoughts here. I told my wife I was getting depressed one day and she snapped, , “what do you have to be depressed about , you have a house, a family and some money in our savings” that shut me up. 

My background is in psychology obviously I understand - is an inner battle within, has nothing to do with what you have. 

I’m reading now, Down and Out in Paradise. The life of Anthony Bourdain by Charles Leerhsen. Why would Bourdain be depressed when he’s rich and famous. And yet he was. Few people understand the seriousness of depression and how functional individuals hide their despair so well . I talk to psychologist once in a while, Dr. Steve about this, he gave me the idea of a life coach, help others you be helping yourself. 

Keep the comments coming. 

[introverted1]

14 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

You just have to keep going out, trying various events. Also dating.

Ummmm...

21 hours ago, Stingray815 said:

My wife stills work and won’t retire until another 5 years.

Unless his wife is verrrry understanding....  🤣

How about Meetup, @Stingray815?

Edited June 15, 2023 by introverted1

[Lotsgoingon]

That's hilarious. Half my brain remembered his wife was still working and then the other part of the brain doing the writing couldn't remember that. Oh Lord. 

[Lotsgoingon]

BTW: you don't have to look for activities specifically for "retired" people. You can go to activities with folks who are younger. That takes some amount of social confidence, but you can do it. I do that. I have been part of a dance community where people are 25 to 30 years younger on average than I am. It's funny there was an older dance group in town, and that scene wasn't nearly as vibrant as the one with the young people. The young people's dance scene included classes and weekend workshops and they wold bring in special teachers and on and on. And they treated me wonderfully. The older people's scene had none of that vibrancy. 

Another thought: one fun activity will put a major dent in the loneliness. Just regularly seeing people involved in that fun activity you will share more about yourself, learn more about them, probably go out for drinks or food every now and then ... might get a social invitation from one of them. And will learn about other events involving that specific fun activity or other activities unrelated that one of the people enjoys.  And you'll be having fun!!!!! Fun with other people kills loneliness. And you don't have to be close friends with these folks. 

And here's another principle. Sometimes the people at an activity are so much fun that you don't have to be totally in love with the activity. Years ago, I recall going to a card game. Not sure why I stopped or if I moved at that time. Anyway, I'm not crazy about cards, but they chose a simple game AND the conversation was to die for. This was a group of guys, if I recall correctly. And so the cards gave our brains an immediate focus, which just allowed people to talk about life, jobs, wives, silliness, health issues in the most satisfying (often hilarious) way. I wasn't crazy about cards, but the people and the way they interacted was spectacularly satisfying. Can't remember why I stopped going to that game!

 

[Stingray815]

Lotsgoingon thanks for you ideas, I agree doing fun things regardless what activities it is as long as the people are having a good time. I need to get more aware of local activities and venture out.
Btw, I don’t get that’s hilarious comment, you lost me there about my wife and writing. 

[Lotsgoingon]

Oh, at the bottom of my first reply to you, I suggested that "dating" would be one of your activities! Someone pointed out the mistake ... My writing brain had forgotten that you were married. That was my humor. One part of the brain not communicating with another as I knew you were married. 

[Alpacalia]

I like the idea of taking language classes too. I'm taking French soon and I'm pumped.

I wouldn't regard not getting any bites at a meetup as a failure unless you had a borish time. Instead, I would look it as something that you do that you enjoy.

That's a really interesting perspective on depression. I think it's important to bring awareness to the fact that it can affect anyone, regardless of their external circumstances. It's also interesting that you have consulted with a life coach before. It sounds like it could be really beneficial to consider it as an option to help you on your journey. It could help bring clarity to the areas where you might be feeling stuck. It could also help to have an impartial, objective voice to bounce ideas off and ask questions. Have you looked into finding a life coach for yourself?

Unfortunately, funds are sometimes an issue when it comes to life coaching or joining certain classes. I think there are some free coaching options out there though and some classes out there might be cheaper than you think. I know some people have been able to find great free classes online or in their local area. You should definitely look into that option as it could be a great way to learn a language and help you focus your energy. No matter what, I wish you the best and hope you find something that works well for you!

[Wiseman2]

You seem to have a lot of excellent life experience to share. Have you considered mentoring in some capacity? 

It would certainly beat playing shuffleboard or other stereotypical "retirement" activities.

Definitely keep your hand in things and your mind and body active. Social camaraderie and a place to go everyday is often a loss for people. 

With a few new routines and friends, you'll be fine. Definitely share your expertise in a mutually beneficial way. 

[Stingray815]

I really appreciate the insightful responses. As I write, I’m listening to Theme of Ice Castles, one of my favorite movies.
I do see a counselor occasionally and he does help. And I have a really good friend I talk at least once a week.

I thought of mentoring, we have a local high school where my daughter graduated and I can check if I can volunteer a few hours week and mentor students. I had an adult during my adolescent that believed in me and gave me confidence I lacked and encouraged me that dreams were possible. College was possible and success was possible. I will always be grateful to him for believing in me.

[Alpacalia]

Well that's the key with volunteering, it tends to work best when it's something you're passionate about. 

Mentoring is a great idea and a great way to make a positive difference in the lives of local youth. Not only will you help to build the confidence of the students that you mentor, but you will feel more connected to your community and gain the satisfaction of helping the next generation. For me, I'm passionate about helping animals, so in the past I volunteered with my local animal shelter and got involved in advocacy and fundraising. However, that might not be the case for everyone. 

Sounds like you're on the right track.

Be sure to get in contact with the high school beforehand and find out the best way to volunteer your time and mentor the students. It is likely that the school or community might have specific programs or requirements in order to help you to get involved and begin your journey as a mentor.