I don't want to live anymore

[Backinthesaddleagain]

Not sure what to do 

[Wiseman2]

https://www.loveshack.org/crisis/

[basil67]

What's going on?  

[goldengirls]

2 hours ago, Backinthesaddleagain said:

Not sure what to do 

what’s happening to make you feel this? 

[Backinthesaddleagain]

Thanks to all for responding.

 I've had 3 immediate family deaths recently. Along with divorce, the loss of my close relationship with my son, zero friends, dealing with cancer of a loved one (still alive), financial pressures, medical issues, etc. just typical life stuff that everyone experiences.

I've always had some kind of hope in life that has gotten me through, but as I age I see that hope vanishing before me. The family dynamic that I have longed for will never materialize, and lots of things that used to bring me joy are no longer possible physically. I also lost my sense of taste and smell years ago and that has been a lot harder to cope with than I could have imagined.

I don't want to commit suicide and hurt remaining family like that but I am done with life. I have zero drive to do anything other than sleep, and my cognitive performance has also been suffering and I feel like I may lose my job. I can't concentrate and I don't find any joy in anything anymore. I want to be strong and keep pushing forward for my son, but as I drive down the highway I keep thinking about driving into the overpass barrier and ending my time here. 

Feeling pretty down and I just need a shoulder to cry on I suppose. Maybe some advice or some kind words to help keep me going. And please don't waste your time posting crisis sites and phone numbers. I find "professional help" to be abhorrent. 

[basil67]

 

2 hours ago, Backinthesaddleagain said:

I have zero drive to do anything other than sleep, and my cognitive performance has also been suffering and I feel like I may lose my job. I can't concentrate and I don't find any joy in anything anymore.

I'm sorry you're going through all this.  I'm certainly not in a position to diagnose you, but the above is exactly how I was functioning was when I was suffering from depression.  After all you've been through, it would hardly be surprising.   Would seeing your doctor also be abhorrent to you?  Because it worked wonders for me.  

Edited June 16, 2023 by basil67

[glows]

My grandmother kicked my grandfather out for cheating on her and raised five kids by herself. She was a teacher and had plenty of help from kind neighbours and colleagues who helped cook and care for my mother and her siblings but it was almost unheard of at the time for a woman to be a single mother and provide for her family herself. I thought of her actually when going through my divorce. Any kind of devastation and loneliness I was feeling could no way eclipse or come close to what she must have been going through. Maybe there’s someone who inspires you in some way to get through this dark time. 

I don’t know why you feel professional help abhorrent. I didn’t have an easy time asking for help either. I asked and I felt brushed over and my concerns and depression at the time was downplayed and pushed aside by the healthcare system - no one cared to listen and divorce for instance these days is so commonplace no matter what you feel you’re just a number. Luckily I had other resources and support and leaned hard on those, some spiritual and religious. Although I’m not religious myself I’ll always remember what they did for me when no one else cared enough. 

Enough with my rambling. Hope this gives hope in some way. I’m so sorry for your loss of loved ones.

Edited June 16, 2023 by glows

[JTSW]

Several years ago I went through the same sort of things.

My aunt passed away suddenly, both my grandparents, my beloved dog and cat.

The worst one was almost losing my mother when she had 2 heart attacks and a massive stroke.

All this happened in the same year.

I fell into a deep depression and had a breakdown.

I was lucky though that my husband took me to get some help.

Have you tried counselling.

Talking to someone may help.

[NuevoYorko]

I'm really sorry you're gong through this.  It sounds like depression.  I'm not diagnosing, but I do have personal experience.   I encourage you to see a doctor and do consider anti-depressants if advised.

Things get weird as we age.  I really noticed a change once I reached a certain point; it was suddenly painfully clear to me that the road was shorter ahead of me and I would not do many things I'd hoped to in my life.  Younger,, of course I knew I would not do all those things, but the future was an open road.  Even with depression, this sense was with me as a young person.  When it shut down it was hard, and honestly, it is still hard.

I strongly recommend trying to do something you want to do that might shake up your life a little.   This would be after talking to a doctor. 

Do you have close friends / family members?  Make it a priority not to isolate.  

Keep reaching out.  You can and will find a way to make this part and the rest of your life meaningful and very worth showing up for.

[MsJayne]

Sounds like you're experiencing the effects of cumulative loss while also going through several of life's biggest stressors all at once. No one would cope well with this. I can't offer any advice other than take a few deep breaths and always acknowledge to yourself that the mind gives you some very bad feedback when it's under too much pressure, don't ever take it's advice that death would be preferable to a current life situation. May I ask why you've lost your relationship with your son? Does your ex make it difficult? 

[Grumpy Bob]

Even after years of battling the "Black Dog" sometimes it's still hard to see outwards and upwards when in the depths of depression.  It's often only when looking back at a particulr time, that I realise "oh wow, I was obviously depressed, why couldn't I see it."

As for "Professional Help," Meh, different things work for different people.  For some talking makes all the difference.  Me, I found "Crisis Hotlines" to be about as effective as tits on a bull.

I do recommend talking to a doctor.  For many, the drugs do help.  I also feel it is really important to get checked out and not overlook other medical factors that may be in play.  Don't just assume that what you're experiencing is purely mental.