Multi-dating:How do you feel about it?

[meeji]

I am trying to figure out why people get upset after and first or second date when if they find out the person they are seeing is meeting other people at the same time. My thinking is if we met on a dating app, you're probably not the only person in engaging with. I also assume that about the person I'm seeing. I don't get upset about it at all until there are talks of being exclusive or in a relationship.

If you are the type to date only person at a time and expect everyone else to be that way, you need to be bringing this up right away, not waiting until 5 dates into it and then throwing a tantrum about it.

 

Where is everyone else on this topic? I think it's a little ridiculous to be honest. 

[glows]

Not everyone dates multiple people even on dating sites. I tried it but it’s like a full time job, definitely not an interest and more like a punishment. I do think you’re entitled to date whomever you want and the general consensus is yes, most people on dating apps or sites are seeing more than one person or overlapping. 

That person might have overreacted and gotten attached too early. Did you both have sex right away or early on? 

[Weezy1973]

Absolutely pro multi dating in the early stages, especially when dating strangers like through OLD. That being said I think exclusivity should be discussed around date 5. If you like each other enough to have that many dates, it’s reasonable to bring up exclusivity. 

[Alpacalia]

That's completely up to you and your comfort level. Some people are fine with being in a situation where they date multiple people, maybe even without getting into a label or becoming exclusive. If that doesn't sit well with you, then it's perfectly valid for you to make a hard boundary around not dating anyone else. It's important to make sure your expectations are communicated with clarity though. If it comes out after you feel invested or have been led down a different path, it can naturally make people upset.

That said, if I discover after a few dates that the person I'm dating is seeing other people, I will end the relationship.

[basil67]

 

1 hour ago, meeji said:

If you are the type to date only person at a time and expect everyone else to be that way, you need to be bringing this up right away, not waiting until 5 dates into it and then throwing a tantrum about it.

"Throw a tantrum?"  Has this happened to you?

When I was young, dating more than one person at a time was viewed as nasty.  And because this is what I know, I would still view it as nasty if I was to be single now.  I also feel the whole multi dating thing feels a bit desperate. What's the hurry that a person can't just see one person at a time?  

All in all, if I was dating again and I'd made a good connection after a couple of dates, I'd be wanting prime date nights. If he can't deliver because he's too busy with other women, then I'm gone.  No tantrum.  Just gone.

 

 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, meeji said:

. I don't get upset about it at all until there are talks of being exclusive or in a relationship.

As a general rule, have the exclusive talk prior to intimacy..it doesn't guarantee things will work out but it can reduce misunderstandings and hurt feelings. 

[basil67]

1 hour ago, meeji said:

I just find it so interesting that guys are expecting this so soon. 

Given how expensive it can be for men to date, I think it's sensible for them to not spend time dating someone who isn't super interested in him

[Weezy1973]

I will say OLD is very different than regular dating, or dating someone you know through school, work, social circle etc.

With OLD if you’re serious about finding a relationship it would be inefficient to not multidate in the early stages. Finding someone compatible is a numbers game, so you need to meet a lot of people in general before getting to someone compatible enough to get into a relationship. 

And for those against multidating, where does the line get drawn with OLD? Are you only supposed to message one person at a time? To me that’s a one way ticket to burnout. Getting so invested in a stranger that you’re exclusively going to focus on them when you don’t even know them. 

[basil67]

1 hour ago, Weezy1973 said:

And for those against multidating, where does the line get drawn with OLD? Are you only supposed to message one person at a time? To me that’s a one way ticket to burnout. 

Yeah, that's what my 23yo daughter did.  If there was no response, she'd message another.  If there was a response and they vibed well, they'd go on a date and if it worked, she'd keep seeing them until it didn't.  If it didn't work, she didn't see them again.  She really didn't date all that many (perhaps 20 or so?)  before finding the man she's now in a LTR with.   All in all, the secret was to not waste time giving a second date or third date to someone who she felt 'meh' about.

Edited June 16, 2023 by basil67

[Alpacalia]

4 hours ago, meeji said:

I just find it so interesting that guys are expecting this so soon. 

 

Early on in the first couple of dates, asking for exclusivity can be seen as a red flag if it implies a feeling of insecurity or jealousy, or if it is motivated by impulsivity or desperation. Similarly, the request to pursue multiple dating partners can be perceived as a red flag if it reflects a lack of serious intent or interest.

They may be asking this because they don't want to waste their time with someone who is playing the field. If you're not sure how to answer this question, it's ok to be honest and tell them that you're not sure yet. It's also ok to tell them that you're not looking to be exclusive yet but that you're open to exploring the possibility and seeing where it goes.

Dating is normal social interaction between single people. Perfectly acceptable. Here's where it gets icky... Even if you are essentially using a person as a distraction, but aren't really interested in them? It wouldn't bother you if you were dating a guy you liked a lot, only to find out that he is not interested in you, but just using you until he gets the one he actually wants?

In any event, everyone is different, date the people who fit you better and avoid the ones who don't.

[meeji]

I don't have any issues cutting off the others when I feel that I've found what I'm looking for. Until then it's fair game on both sides. If a guy asks for exclusivity then I know that he wants to move to the next stage and I'll either agree to decide that I'm not on the same page. Two dates is not enough time for someone to be so sure about that and it's crazy to expect it without even broaching the topic at all, just reacting. This guy should've been able to communicate what he wanted but he couldn't. Its a common theme in my dating life and a red flag. 

[Alpacalia]

Were you cut off after the second date because someone discovered you were multidating? Why do you want to start a thread about it? It's ok to feel frustrated, but it's important to remember that it's not a reflection on you. It's possible that the other person just wasn't a good match, or that they had their own reasons for not wanting to continue the relationship.

Everyone is entitled to make their own choices.

[glows]

Delivery matters and it sounds like this person was either rude or aggressive/jealous and critical of your decisions. Who the heck has time for that type of attitude especially when you’re just getting to know someone. Just walk away block and delete. End story. If anything it may be a red flag in regards to character and personality if someone is flying off the handle over five dates. 

In future you do you and if you take a little longer that’s fine. Continue being upfront and avoid aggressive/angry/jealous types. If you’re looking for someone calmer and more tempered look for those traits early on in addition to compatibility in seeing more than one person for slightly longer than maybe what others are into. 

[Ageless Wisdom23]

My own opinion is This:  When looking for something on an Online Dating App, Give that ONE person a Chance for Romance and to see if there might be More in Store.  If the Second 🥰date Don't work Out, Then go back Online.......

[central]

If I have the option, I multi-date, probably just for a few dates to figure out which (if any) is a good match and worth continuing. In a very few cases I've continued dating two or three for longer, but then told them all that I was seeing other people. I had a polyamorous relationship develop that way, and even a couple of threesomes.

By default, I assume anyone I meet is also meeting others. If someone prefers single, sequential dating, then they need to make their expectations clear right away. Then I can decide whether I want to date them at all (if they seem to be a good match, and I'm not already seeing anyone else, I'd date them).

[meeji]

37 minutes ago, central said:

If I have the option, I multi-date, probably just for a few dates to figure out which (if any) is a good match and worth continuing. In a very few cases I've continued dating two or three for longer, but then told them all that I was seeing other people. I had a polyamorous relationship develop that way, and even a couple of threesomes.

By default, I assume anyone I meet is also meeting others. If someone prefers single, sequential dating, then they need to make their expectations clear right away. Then I can decide whether I want to date them at all (if they seem to be a good match, and I'm not already seeing anyone else, I'd date them).

This is reasonable. I should date you😂. This is similar to how I operate. 

[central]

11 minutes ago, meeji said:

This is reasonable. I should date you😂. This is similar to how I operate. 

 

My wife wouldn't mind. 🤣

[Kassieee]

I think its smart not to put your eggs all in one basket and keep your options open when dating. I never assume im the only girl a man is getting to know when things are not official. 

[mark clemson]

17 hours ago, meeji said:

If you are the type to date only person at a time and expect everyone else to be that way, you need to be bringing this up right away, not waiting until 5 dates into it and then throwing a tantrum about it.

I think this is basically correct.

I think at least part of the problem is that, from everything I read, online dating seems to attract a high proportion of people who have issues/dysfunction of various kinds. So this person may have a "difficult personality"/not be reasonable, may have a hard time seeing things from others' perspectives, or may be self-sabotaging their dating, etc.

Edited June 16, 2023 by mark clemson

[basil67]

11 hours ago, meeji said:

If a guy asks for exclusivity then l know believe  that he wants to move to the next stage and I'll either agree to decide that I'm not on the same page. 

Fixed it for you.   Unless they ask you to be their girlfriend, you don't actually know this.

For many people, it can also go:

1. have a handful of great dates

2. focus on each other so that you can see if this thing actually has legs 

3. decide that it does have legs and become bf/gf

[Alpacalia]

17 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

And for those against multidating, where does the line get drawn with OLD? Are you only supposed to message one person at a time? To me that’s a one way ticket to burnout. Getting so invested in a stranger that you’re exclusively going to focus on them when you don’t even know them. 

I did not care too much about “dating”. I can just be doing the others things, and be “dating” in some free time in between, one person at a time. I prefer to make a conscious effort to get to know the person I'm seeing and assess if it could be something more. If I'm still not feeling it after 1-2 dates, or they're not feeling it I have no qualms about cutting off communication and I find that the other person usually understands that it's not working out.

That way we can avoid wasting time and energy on someone not compatible with. I mean, you wanna get to know someone better… but you also don't want to invest a lot of time or energy if it's not going to work out. 

I think it's good if you have an anxious attachment style, for sure, to explore different relationships and not relying on just one partner.

Edited June 16, 2023 by Alpacalia

[basil67]

I'm curious as to how one can get to the end of two dates and not yet know if they vibe well enough with this person.  I'm not talking "commitment" here, just about slowing down and giving this potential a bit of time to develop.

I'm an open book. And if I was out there and someone couldn't figure out if they vibe with me by the end of two lengthy dates, I'd figure they are nonplussed and move along.  

Edited June 17, 2023 by basil67

[Weezy1973]

4 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I'm curious as to how one can get to the end of two dates and not yet know if they vibe well enough with this person. 

In my mind it takes time to get to know someone well. While you can have great chemistry and “vibe” right off the bat, it isn’t necessarily indicative of long term potential. 

[basil67]

6 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

In my mind it takes time to get to know someone well. While you can have great chemistry and “vibe” right off the bat, it isn’t necessarily indicative of long term potential. 

So it's about being more wary?    If you were vibing well after two good dates, would you at least be giving her prime date nights?

Edited June 17, 2023 by basil67

[Alpacalia]

9 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

In my mind it takes time to get to know someone well. While you can have great chemistry and “vibe” right off the bat, it isn’t necessarily indicative of long term potential. 

That makes complete sense. But why does a person have to see more than one person at the same time to get to know someone better and see if there's "long term potential?" You can't do that by just going out on more dates with one person?