Multi-dating:How do you feel about it?

[Weezy1973]

2 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

But why does a person have to see more than one person at the same time to get to know someone better and see if there's "long term potential?" You can't do that by just going out on more dates with one person?

Essentially it comes from the assumption that the vast majority  of people you meet from OLD won’t be compatible enough to enter a relationship with. And also I want to be clear, in my experience you’re not really dating multiple people per se. But you may have 3 first meets lined up in a week while you’re still active on the site. Most of those first dates are going to be “one and done” anyways. If you do want to see someone again, you don’t cancel all your organized dates and shut down your profile. Chances are a second date.will show a lack of compatibility, but maybe not. And you still have first dates lined up from OLD. I think the furthest I got with multidating was a third date when incompatibility showed itself and I ended things. And still had first meets lined up.

 

When I met my wife, on our first date it wasn’t like I was struck by lightening and “knew” she was the one. It was a good date, and I thought there was potential so wanted to see her again. And a couple days later I had another first date wi try another women, where I also thought there was potential. But the second date with each was where the divergence was and I asked my now wife out again and didn’t ask out the second woman again. And after that second date I didn’t meet anyone else and then asked my now wife to be exclusive after our fourth date. And she was multi dating too at the same time. Now married, a house and two kids, seven years later…happy (and tired with a 3 month old)…

[meeji]

16 hours ago, basil67 said:

So it's about being more wary?    If you were vibing well after two good dates, would you at least be giving her prime date nights?

We were vibing well and a third date was planned. I think he just lost his confidence once he discovered he wasn't the only guy I had been on a date with and sabotaged himself. (Mind you, his dating profile was still active.) There was nothing going on between us that would make him think I wasn't interested. We were texting thought the week and our dates nights were Friday and Saturday nights. When we talked about it, I said I date whoever I want to and when I'm feeling really good about one person, then when I move to being exclusive with one. He didn't like that. I also followed up in saying that things were going well so far and that I was looking forward to our next date.

It's a him thing. Not me being washy. If he said right then and there that he preferred that I not date others and offered to close his account, I would've considered it .... but that's not at all how it went. If you can't ask for what you want, you won't get it. 

[Alpacalia]

7 hours ago, meeji said:

If he said right then and there that he preferred that I not date others and offered to close his account, I would've considered it

Yes, he could have handled it better, especially if he liked you but he's probably made up his mind. Without knowing the full context, it's hard to say if he sabotaged the situation.

If you were interested in pursuing an exclusive relationship with him, why didn't you communicate that to him? This might have made him feel more secure in the relationship and more willing to take things forward.

It sounds like the way your conversation went, he didn't feel supported in pursuing an exclusive relationship with you. He wanted that, but was unable to ask for it, which may have caused him to step back from the situation. It may have felt too vulnerable for him. As to why he sabotaged himself, it could have been any number of things. Maybe he's just not ready for a relationship, he doesn't know how to express his feelings, or he doesn't want to start something with someone who isn't exclusive yet.

 

[basil67]

8 hours ago, meeji said:

We were vibing well and a third date was planned. I think he just lost his confidence once he discovered he wasn't the only guy I had been on a date with and sabotaged himself. (Mind you, his dating profile was still active.) There was nothing going on between us that would make him think I wasn't interested. We were texting thought the week and our dates nights were Friday and Saturday nights. When we talked about it, I said I date whoever I want to and when I'm feeling really good about one person, then when I move to being exclusive with one. He didn't like that. I also followed up in saying that things were going well so far and that I was looking forward to our next date.

It's a him thing. Not me being washy. If he said right then and there that he preferred that I not date others and offered to close his account, I would've considered it .... but that's not at all how it went. If you can't ask for what you want, you won't get it. 

Rather than him losing confidence, I read it as him having the confidence to not wait around for a girl who isn't interested enough to offer to stop seeing others.   The fact that you didn't offer when he made his preference clear told him all he needed to know.  I mean, what's the worst that could happen if you had chosen to see just him - you lose maybe three weeks of potentially meeting others.  That's pretty low risk.    Or perhaps you had other good potential dates on your radar?   If so, you've lost nothing.

Thing is, different people have different preferences and boundaries and that's OK.   You're entitled to yours and he is entitled to his. The fact that his boundaries are different to yours doesn't make his wrong.   

Also, I would hardly describe his actions of choosing to not date you further as "throwing a tantrum"

 

 

Edited June 18, 2023 by basil67

[BaileyB]

14 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Rather than him losing confidence, I read it as him having the confidence to not wait around for a girl who isn't interested enough to offer to stop seeing others. 

Agree.

By date three, I would expect that the person I’m seeing is winding down the multi-dating because things are progressing in our relationship. I would be weary if that wasn’t the case.

For sure, there is no sex with someone who is multi-dating. But, that’s just me…

[Alpacalia]

22 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

Essentially it comes from the assumption that the vast majority  of people you meet from OLD won’t be compatible enough to enter a relationship with. And also I want to be clear, in my experience you’re not really dating multiple people per se. But you may have 3 first meets lined up in a week while you’re still active on the site. Most of those first dates are going to be “one and done” anyways. If you do want to see someone again, you don’t cancel all your organized dates and shut down your profile. Chances are a second date.will show a lack of compatibility, but maybe not. And you still have first dates lined up from OLD. I think the furthest I got with multidating was a third date when incompatibility showed itself and I ended things. And still had first meets lined up.

 

When I met my wife, on our first date it wasn’t like I was struck by lightening and “knew” she was the one. It was a good date, and I thought there was potential so wanted to see her again. And a couple days later I had another first date wi try another women, where I also thought there was potential. But the second date with each was where the divergence was and I asked my now wife out again and didn’t ask out the second woman again. And after that second date I didn’t meet anyone else and then asked my now wife to be exclusive after our fourth date. And she was multi dating too at the same time. Now married, a house and two kids, seven years later…happy (and tired with a 3 month old)…

I agree that most first dates are one and done. Online dating and non-online dating. I personally don't need to have other dates lined up in case the first date doesn't work out. I just move on.

I think it does make more sense with online dating though. I am glad it worked out for you and your wife but the emotional complexity of it all just doesn't appeal to me. I'm much more comfortable with the traditional approach of dating. That being said, I do think online dating can be beneficial for some people, and I'm glad it worked out for you.

[meeji]

5 hours ago, basil67 said:

Rather than him losing confidence, I read it as him having the confidence to not wait around for a girl who isn't interested enough to offer to stop seeing others.   The fact that you didn't offer when he made his preference clear told him all he needed to know.  I mean, what's the worst that could happen if you had chosen to see just him - you lose maybe three weeks of potentially meeting others.  That's pretty low risk.    Or perhaps you had other good potential dates on your radar?   If so, you've lost nothing.

Thing is, different people have different preferences and boundaries and that's OK.   You're entitled to yours and he is entitled to his. The fact that his boundaries are different to yours doesn't make his wrong.   

Also, I would hardly describe his actions of choosing to not date you further as "throwing a tantrum"

 

 

Men get jealous over women they don't even want all the time! This man never expressed that level of interest in me. He never asked me to stop seeing others and he never said he wasn't dating other women. He just got jealous over me dating other men.  

If he wanted to be exclusive with me hw would've said that. I'm not offering anything if he's not initiating, I'm sorry. 

[basil67]

16 minutes ago, meeji said:

Men get jealous over women they don't even want all the time! This man never expressed that level of interest in me. He never asked me to stop seeing others and he never said he wasn't dating other women. He just got jealous over me dating other men.  

If he wanted to be exclusive with me hw would've said that. I'm not offering anything if he's not initiating, I'm sorry. 

I read this as him opening the exclusive discussion and you shutting it down very quickly.  Why would he offer to be exclusive when you were very clear that you weren't ready?

Edited June 18, 2023 by basil67

[basil67]

28 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I read this as him opening the exclusive discussion and you shutting it down very quickly.  Why would he offer to be exclusive when you were very clear that you weren't ready?

Also, I'm seeing neither jealousy or gender as an issue here - a few of us who have commented that we wouldn't multi date are female and none of us gave a reason of being jealous.   

Was this guy paying for all your dates?   If so, why would he continue if you hadn't even given him an indication that you'd be interested in exclusivity if he is?   

Edited June 18, 2023 by basil67

[Wiseman2]

17 hours ago, meeji said:

 once he discovered he wasn't the only guy I had been on a date with . I said I date whoever I want to and when I'm feeling really good about one person, then when I move to being exclusive with one. 

How did he "discover" this? Perhaps it's TMI to discuss your general dating life and strategy with a date? Why are you on a date with him talking about other men you date? 

Try to go with the flow getting to know each other. If and when there's a mutual attraction, chemistry and compatibility you can simply have the exclusive talk. There's really no need to discuss dating other men while on a date with a man.

[BaileyB]

8 hours ago, meeji said:

He just got jealous over me dating other men.  

I don’t think that he was that invested after two dates. More likely, he wanted to avoid the drama of you dating other men. 

8 hours ago, meeji said:

Men get jealous over women they don't even want all the time!

You weren’t actually dating though. It had been two dates, you were not exclusive - if it was jealousy, he would have asked to date you exclusively. He wouldn’t have walked away…

Look - the single truth is, if you were really interested in the man, you would not want to do anything to jeopardize the development of this budding relationship. You didn’t feel that way - it’s was more important to you to keep your options open… He saw that and he said - “I’m out.” 

That’s what we are saying, if you were really interested, YOU would lay off the multi-dating out of respect for the man that you are dating and for your own benefit (to see where this new relationship will go). The only question is when - he seems to have drawn that line a lot sooner than you have… just something for you to consider for next time. Most men don’t like to date women who are dating others - you may want to draw your line a little sooner next time. 

Edited June 18, 2023 by BaileyB

[Calmandfocused]

On 6/16/2023 at 3:49 AM, basil67 said:

 

"Throw a tantrum?"  Has this happened to you?

When I was young, dating more than one person at a time was viewed as nasty.  And because this is what I know, I would still view it as nasty if I was to be single now.  I also feel the whole multi dating thing feels a bit desperate. What's the hurry that a person can't just see one person at a time?  

All in all, if I was dating again and I'd made a good connection after a couple of dates, I'd be wanting prime date nights. If he can't deliver because he's too busy with other women, then I'm gone.  No tantrum.  Just gone.

 

 

100% agree with this. Irrespective of todays cultural norms, multi dating feels wrong to me.

I tried it and it felt horrible doing it. I felt very ashamed of myself, like I was cheating and I’m not a cheater. 

Each to their own but I find it hard to understand how someone can be completely open and available to get to know one person when they are dating multiple people.
 

Also, I’ve often wondered; how do you remember what conversation you’ve had with whom? 

I operate the rule that if I like someone enough to see then again I won’t have a first date with anyone else. I’m a big advocate of giving people a chance. 

Multi Dating is not for me. But neither is the  “will you be my bf/gf” conversation before things become “official” . You know when s relationship is official, it’s obvious IMO.
 

[Trail Blazer]

It's a tricky path to navigate, but multi-dating is inevitable.  I don't have an opinion on it either way, but if you're someone to do it, I think it's only right that you be in tune with where yourself and the other person are after.

If I got beyond the second date and we re heading for a third date, I'd postpone any future prospects as I'd have felt like things were progressing to a stage where I'd like to see where they lead.

 

[Acacia98]

On 6/18/2023 at 3:59 AM, basil67 said:

Rather than him losing confidence, I read it as him having the confidence to not wait around for a girl who isn't interested enough to offer to stop seeing others.   The fact that you didn't offer when he made his preference clear told him all he needed to know.  I mean, what's the worst that could happen if you had chosen to see just him - you lose maybe three weeks of potentially meeting others.  That's pretty low risk.    Or perhaps you had other good potential dates on your radar?   If so, you've lost nothing.

Thing is, different people have different preferences and boundaries and that's OK.   You're entitled to yours and he is entitled to his. The fact that his boundaries are different to yours doesn't make his wrong.   

It occurs to me that his boundaries may not be all that different from hers seeing as his account was still active. Of course, I may be wrong.

OP, I can't tell from your posts because obviously you're not reproducing the conversation you had with this guy verbatim. So maybe he was categorical that he was dating exclusively or maybe he wasn't. Whatever the case may be, I've always thought about multidating from the get-go and exclusive dating from the get-go as two entirely different dating cultures. If you prefer one and the other person prefers the other, you're incompatible. It's best to just accept that and move on with minimal drama and friction.

Personally, I prefer to date one person at a time and figure out whether we're a good match. If we're not, then it's time to stop seeing them and perhaps try dating someone else. I don't have the capacity (or the time) to multidate. But I have no problem with those who choose to do it (as long as they're not deceptive about it).

Edited June 22, 2023 by Acacia98

[smackie9]

Everyone is different in their dating style. You are right everyone should just assume everyone is dating others BUT there are those who date one at a time especially when it goes into a second or third date. I tried both. I prefer to focus on one person if it gets past the second date.