Falling out with niece.

[Fair]

I had a falling out with my niece tonight on FB.

I've been struggling with a number of difficulties lately. A chronic anxiety disorder and C-PTSD has been causing a landslide of other things to occur, because it's affected my whole life. I have a dysfunctional, narcissistic family and so have been trying to get through it all with literally no support. If that hasn't been bad enough my narcissistic siblings have been trying to sabotage me at every turn.  They don't want me to get well or to succeed.

The niece I'm speaking of is only a year younger than me. She's living a long ways away from here and I haven't seen her for years but we've been friends on FB. Last week I asked her if I could give her a phone call, which I've never done before, because I needed someone to talk to. Knowing that she knows how toxic our family is and always SEEMED sympathetic on FB I thought it would be a safe place to turn, and that she'd certainly understand the struggles I've been having with these particular family members that she herself has never had any use for. 

She said I could call so I did. As I was talking, telling her things that were painful to me she started sn*****ing. It was literally "tee hee hee, ho ho ho", in the background the whole time I was talking, like an enemy taking delight in my pain. I suppose I just didn't want to start an altercation, but I didn't confront her asking why she was laughing like that.  But I've had other people in my life do that to me. People I mistakenly thought were friends but who actually hated me and/or was jealous of me. So since my niece was doing this rude kind of snickering,  I knew I'd misjudged her friendship. I said nothing at the time but hung up, fuming.

And you know how it is when you don't get something off your chest. It continues to fester. So tonight I messaged her on fb and confronted her about it. She didn't address the actual issue, she just came out with a generalized attack saying that I must be suffering from psychosis, that I should see a psychiatrist and even though she knows how toxic our family is ... she was suddenly claiming to know that NO ONE is out to get me, that it's all in my head. No actual reason to doubt what I told her in confidence and no facts to back up the fact that it's supposedly all delusional, and she didn't once address the fact that she was laughing when I was telling her my troubles on the phone. 

I was shocked at how ugly her response was. It seems like she must just have been waiting for years to have  the chance to turn on me, and that she'd secretly been harboring a lot of hate for me the whole time. A sincere person would have just said, 'gee, I'm sorry i came across that way on the phone, ' or whatever, and tried to resolve things. I unfriended her and kicked her out of my life with another message. I don't need anymore hate or disrespect from people. I'm having a hard time in life. I'm sure I made the right call. 

A couple years ago her ex husband who she was with for 14 years and has three kids with, contacted me and confessed he always had a crush on me but that, 'he wasn't allowed to do anything about it". That kind of suggests my niece knew about it and that's why she's been cool and distant with me in the past. She's married again but I wonder if she still holds something against me over it. Anyway, what do you all think? I'm sure I made the right call in getting rid of her but I'm interested in outside perspectives... providing they're sincere. What would you have thought if you'd heard someone quietly laughing on the phone while you were telling them about the struggles you are having? I mean.... YUCK.

Edited June 16, 2023 by Fair

[glows]

You may be onto something there about a grudge. I don’t see why someone would really pick up the phone and take the time to do such a thing to someone else unless there is deep resentment. If she thought so lowly of you she might have stayed away and ignored the request for a call. 

Leave her alone and don’t worry about her. If she went as far as to do that she likely has bigger problems going on in her life. Karma has a way of taking care and equalizing things. Just focus on you and find appropriate support. Journal of thoughts and feelings are overwhelming. It might help make sense of the chaos and turmoil putting it into words and you’ll be your own listener. 

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this happened. She doesn't seem like a good person to confide in. 

[JTSW]

3 hours ago, Fair said:

my narcissistic siblings have been trying to sabotage me at every turn.  They don't want me to get well or to succeed.

Why do they not want to be well and successful?

This clearly shows they are threatened by you or jealous because you so much more intelligent than them.

There is definitely resentment with your niece.

You don't need your family if that is the way they treat you.

Do amazing things with your life and be super successful. 

Don't let them bring you down.

[stillafool]

IDK she could have been trying to laugh it off because she felt uncomfortable getting involved or saying anything bad about other family member(s).  Gossip in families spread like wildfires and then comes the drama.  I always complain about my family to my friends or to their face.

[Fair]

3 minutes ago, stillafool said:

IDK she could have been trying to laugh it off because she felt uncomfortable getting involved or saying anything bad about other family member(s).  Gossip in families spread like wildfires and then comes the drama.  I always complain about my family to my friends or to their face.

In this case I know that's not what it was. She has never had any use for the family members in question and has been very vocal about it. Plus she doesn't live around here, and refuses to have anything to do with those same people, anyway.  Besides that wouldn't explain why when I told her things like having had to give up my position at work because of my anxiety, it was... smirk. Giggle. I mean, it was just so nasty. And then if I did start to say anything positive about my life -  it was dead silence, as if she didn't like THAT. No, I did the right thing in getting rid of her.

[stillafool]

52 minutes ago, Fair said:

In this case I know that's not what it was. She has never had any use for the family members in question and has been very vocal about it. Plus she doesn't live around here, and refuses to have anything to do with those same people, anyway.  Besides that wouldn't explain why when I told her things like having had to give up my position at work because of my anxiety, it was... smirk. Giggle. I mean, it was just so nasty. And then if I did start to say anything positive about my life -  it was dead silence, as if she didn't like THAT. No, I did the right thing in getting rid of her.

It sounds like you're also on the list of family members she doesn't like.  Were you two ever close?  I agree you did the right thing by letting her go.  Perhaps you should do the same to the others.  Just because they are family is no reason to stay connected if you find them toxic.

[Fair]

@stillafool no we were never close. When I was a teenager living at home my sister moved back and they all moved in with us. I tried to be friends with her but she was having none of it.  And even on FB these last few years if I wasn't the one doing all the initiating when it came to messaging once in a while, there would have been no communication. She never messaged me first. 

It resonated when you said I'm just one on a list of family members she doesn't like. I think that's true. When she got married, both times she moved as far away as she could and never had anything to do with anyone from the family again. Granted there are some people it's best to stay away from... but she turned her back on everyone. 

I don't do it very often, but I'm never again going to open up to someone unless I hear their voice and see their face. Someone can seem okay behind a text message but it's only if you actually talk to them that you can see the truth.

She just sent me another text message on FB saying that the way she was laughing on the phone never even happened. How's that for gaslighting? I can' t stomach this anymore. I'm just not going to respond. She's knows where I stand. 

Edited June 16, 2023 by Fair

[Ageless Wisdom23]

It appears she is no different than those in your family who backstab you as well.  And Yes, She may be carrying a grudge over her Ex who was crushing.  Move 🤕on from her too.  It sounds like you have a dysfunctional family.  Maybe they should seek help.

[ShyViolet]

Unfortunately you've learned that she is not someone you can confide in or talk to.  She may have felt that the things you were venting about were too intense and just too much.  It's good to have someone to talk to, but if you have a lot of heavy and serious issues, it can make people feel burdened or exhausted if you vent to them about it.  Going to an actual therapist would be a far better way for you to talk about and work through your issues.

[MsJayne]

I speak from vast experience, I come from a family of raging narcissists. My mother can gaslight to olympic standard and she apprenticed a couple of my siblings. Rule# 1 in a family with narcissism lurking in it - keep your problems to yourself. Do not, even if you've just been diagnosed with a terminal illness and been given a month to live, bother confiding in  anyone within your family or extended family. You should know if you've grown up in this dynamic that any difficulties you've experienced in life are just fodder for gossip, judgment, disapproval, and humiliation, because this is how the narcissistic family operates. There could be more than one reason why your niece responded so inappropriately, but the reason is neither here nor there, her behaviour was ugly, and, as is typical in the narc family, you were ridiculed and dismissed when you confronted her. She gaslit you, and I will assume being gaslit is something that has been going on all through your life. I can't offer any advice other than that if you have a narcissistic family avoid them as much as possible, (preferably cut them off completely if you feel you could do that), and, if you haven't already done so, read up on narcissistic families and familiarise yourself with common behaviours. It won't make the problem go away but it can be a cathartic experience as it helps to logicise the kooky way these families interact and explain what lies behind the behaviours. If you must reach out to them, just don't ever  tell any of them anything that can be construed as you not being as perfect as they are. 

Edited June 27, 2023 by MsJayne
Left something out.

[Fair]

On 6/25/2023 at 8:47 AM, ShyViolet said:

Unfortunately you've learned that she is not someone you can confide in or talk to.  She may have felt that the things you were venting about were too intense and just too much.  It's good to have someone to talk to, but if you have a lot of heavy and serious issues, it can make people feel burdened or exhausted if you vent to them about it.  Going to an actual therapist would be a far better way for you to talk about and work through your issues.

It was the first time I'd talked to her about anything, plus I asked her on FB if I could call her to vent beforehand, so she had forewarning, and she consented. It's not likely she felt burdened. And even if someone feels burdened by someone for some reason, it doesn't justify abuse and gaslighting. 

[Fair]

@MsJayne - yes, you're right. In families like ours you really can't trust anyone. I was chosen as the family scapegoat as a child. It's a lifelong role. 

I have a cousin I never knew because she grew up a long ways from here and our parents just didn't ever go to see one another. We're friends on FB and now she wants to connect via a phone call, but honestly I don't feel safe enough to do it. One of my oldest sisters ( a narcissist) has travelled to see her mom (our aunt) more than once and even though I don't know how much she's had to do with this particular cousin... I feel like everyone my siblings have ever even spoken are potentially bad news. It's probably best to assume so. 

And you're right that I've been gaslit all my life. When I got my first computer the first thing I did was use google to see why I was being treated the way I was by my family. It led me straight to articles on narcissism. So I've been researching it for years. I just get so desperate for a connection sometimes!! I don't have friends. My siblings try hard to keep me from having a support system. I don't tell them anything and stay away from them but they're always watching from afar and always manage to find out what I'm doing and who I'm talking to so they can wreck any chance I have at a friendship or relationship.  I'd love to move and even change my name, but financially it's not doable especially since I've been unable to work due to anxiety. 

After talking to my niece it took me days to shake off the feeling she left me with. It's so sick how she could so unashamedly accuse me of being 'crazy' and say I was imagining something she knew she was actually doing. 

[stillafool]

I'm so sorry that your family treats you the way do.  Have you thought about moving far away from them and blocking them from contacting you?

[Fair]

4 hours ago, stillafool said:

I'm so sorry that your family treats you the way do.  Have you thought about moving far away from them and blocking them from contacting you?

If it was financially feasible I'd move so far away they'd never see me again.

Thanks for the messages everyone.

[mark clemson]

If it's feasible and you aren't already, you might consider seeing a therapist to discuss your issues with. They will be much more likely to be genuinely sympathetic + may have suggestions for helping with your pressures and issue that relatives simply aren't aware of.

It's sad but I've found that sometimes even "random strangers" can be better friends/more genuinely sympathetic for stuff like this than certain family members who have resentments/agenda's or their own issues. It's unfortunate, but c'est la vie.