do people see the work environment in different ways?

[JASS_H]

I've always wondered why starting a relationship at work is such a divisive issue. I wouldn't advocate doing so with someone on your own team, but if it's a big company with multiple campuses / buildings, I don't see an issue dating someone from another department.

IMO, the reason for the differing opinions is simply because we all see our professional lives differently. For me, it's just life - I don't differentiate between a private life and a work life, it's all the same to me. I've developed friendships (and relationships) and will socialise with people I work with whenever I can. Most of my best friends are either current or former colleagues.

On the other hand, I also have colleagues who clearly see work life as work, and personal life as personal. Typically, they seem to be the types who clock watch, and they stay away from any work social activities (unless they think it'll reflect badly on them!). That's their choice, and I have no issue with that.

I'm also conscious I'm a fairly "black and white" individual, and there may be gray areas I'm not thinking of! How do you see it, and where do you fit in?

[ShyViolet]

52 minutes ago, JASS_H said:

For me, it's just life - I don't differentiate between a private life and a work life, it's all the same to me.

I think this is unusual and not how most people see work.  I think most people do try and keep boundaries between their work life and personal life, and for good reason.  

[NuevoYorko]

It's very awkward to painful to have to work closely with someone you are breaking up with. It can certainly have a negative effect on job performance, too.    Most relationships don't last forever, so if you date co-workers you will be in this situation.  

It's hard enough to navigate personality issues in the workplace.   My daughter reports to the CEO and the two of them have very strong differences in how they approach things.  It's a challenge every day.  This is nothing compared to how it would be if they'd dated.  

Sure, if you don't actually work WITH them it's much simpler.   Employees  in the same company but different departments & buildings are  probably not what people are talking about when they say "don't date co-workers." 

[glows]

I experienced some of that in my working life - being able to make friends easily at work and keep those friendships. I never dated in the workplace. I think most of that is due to actually treating my colleagues as professionals. The respect for one another as professionals was too great to surpass the thought of some old regular roll in the hay or humdrum romance. Why bother complicating that professional relationship also when there are so many other options outside of work. I didn’t have a problem meeting people outside of the workplace. 

I did have a fling with someone I worked with after we both left that office (several years later). Not compatible but we are friendly/keep in touch. No- never had sex again with this ex colleague in case anyone’s wondering.

 

[Alpacalia]

I think it's a divisive issue for a couple of reasons. One, a lot of people that give advice that it is not a good idea tend to focus only on the potential negative repercussions of a romantic or sexual relationship at work, such as toxic gossip and a negative impact on job performance, instead of exploring the potential positives. Two, workplace relationships tend to blur the line between personal and professional relationships, so it can be hard to know when a relationship is appropriate, and when it is crossing boundaries. Additionally, workplace hierarchies can make for a tricky situation, and it can be difficult to judge where the relationship falls in terms of respect and power.

Another thing to consider is that perhaps people that have attempted starting relationships at work and warn against it perhaps had a bad experience themselves in the past, so their prejudice against such relationships can be hard to overcome. Still, there is a decent percentage of people that are married or in relationships that have met their partner through work so it's not a completely inadvisable decision.

Ultimately, it is a personal decision and depends on the discretion of both parties. It's typically a good idea to weigh the possible long-term consequences of a workplace relationship and ensure that you are making a decision that will lead to a positive experience for both parties involved.

[justwhoiam]

Yes, work is work, and my life is my life. I tend to keep the two separate.

There are many good reasons if most people prefer it that way. All the talk about "we're all a big family" grows old pretty fast once you have decades of experience as an employee or even worse a contractor. I know better.

The rule of not getting anything going with colleagues works for a reason too. When/if things go south, and there's a very high chance of that happening, on top of the usual drama of a breakup you have other issues such as logistics: one of them or both might feel uncomfortable having to bump into the other every day, there might be requests of being moved to a different department, complaints about not being able to work in team with that person again, and other issues. It's only going to be trouble for the company and other colleagues.

You sound a bit naive. How old are you?

[justwhoiam]

On 6/19/2023 at 9:00 AM, Alpacalia said:

a lot of people that give advice that it is not a good idea tend to focus only on the potential negative repercussions of a romantic or sexual relationship at work, instead of exploring the potential positives.

I'll start by saying that I never had any romantic involvement with anyone at work. Just to get that out of the way. But I've worked in different companies, small ones and big ones for almost two decades, and I will still recommend not to get involved with anyone at work. Boss-secretary = shady and mostly done for an advance or privileges in the workplace. This is damaging for most other employees, because the partner employee will stop carrying out tasks and get others to do any of that. I once had a colleague who was refusing answering calls, even if it was just the two of us in the office and I was busy with visitors. She was a protegée and instead of doing her job, you could find her at her desk reading magazines. And she was getting double the wage I was making. That contributed to my decision of looking for a new job. I couldn't stand the environment anymore.

Two colleagues whether in the same department or not = still trouble (this was previously explained). Even if two people are not working together, there'll still be events such as a dinner, a social, a trade show, and it's going to be a problem. Also harassment and abuse complaints might be reported more frequently, because boundaries were removed and then things are on a very thin line.

A company never has any advantage from two workers getting together. Actually, if they have it going, they might also report sick together to do their own thing, and it's going to be costly for the company.

Heck, even family-run businesses have problems when people stop seeing eye to eye! In fact, just recently someone in my family saw all the men resign in droves, because father (retired company founder still owning some of it) and daughter kept fighting in the workplace and it got very toxic. So it now seems that the company's about to shut down. I mentioned this because usually family-run businesses are managed by husband and wife. So the rule is never mix personal life (friendship, romantic relationship) with business/money.

Edited July 1, 2023 by justwhoiam

[MsJayne]

I know a, (now ex), couple who met through work, but it was in a situation where there is, as you say, multiple work locations and the people getting involved didn't see other regularly in the workplace. They both worked in a university setting, (different campuses and different fields of study), and met through a work social activity, and they had quite a long relationship and are still friends, so no harm done there. I've also known someone who got intimately involved with colleagues, (two different colleagues within a short time frame 😬), at work and ended up having to find another job because of the awkwardness. Meeting someone attractive in a work social setting and openly developing a healthy relationship with them is a completely different scenario to the married boss regularly feeling you up in the stationery closet. Also, there's some professions where people often marry work colleagues, for example police or armed forces personnel, just because their work tends to restrict their social life somewhat and also because the nature of the work creates deep bonds between colleagues that may not exist in other professions. I think it depends on the people and the circumstances, but in situations where it's going to be a quick fling or a secret affair it's hard no from me. 

[mark clemson]

On 6/17/2023 at 11:31 AM, JASS_H said:

How do you see it, and where do you fit in?

If I was dating, I'd be open to it, but cautious about it.

There are some who are perfectly happy to have work relationships, and there are those who aren't - even up to the point of having essentially a personal "policy" against it.

The primary case against it (and it's a reasonable one) is that relationships don't always end amicably. Indeed there are those in the world who feel a breakup is a cause for "all rules are off" behavior and essentially actively attack the former partner in various ways. There is also the potential for "chasing" and even stalking.

Often one doesn't know that the person one's dating is bad at handling breaking ups. So, the potential for inappropriate (or worse) behavior is certainly real (if not overly likely). Dealing with a "psycho ex" in the work environment makes it extra problematic, and indeed may threaten one's livelihood and entire career. So, there are some who (again IMO reasonably) feel that it's simply not worth the risk.

For me, I'd be assessing the person and how likely I thought they might be to cause problems in a break up. But instincts can be off sometimes, and there are those who won't show their negative side until suddenly they do. So it's always a bit risky.

Edited July 3, 2023 by mark clemson