Early Stages Dating Someone

[Liliana09]

So I've physically been meeting a guy for a month , we had been speaking for over a month before we actually met up. But lately we haven't met for a while,due to there being problems with car and road problems/ traffic or issues in his life. He now doesn't talk to me ,as the latest excuse is that his ex ( mother of his small child) has health issues and has been taken into hospital, and how he's busy with all that . His situation is complicated,and I wonder why he started dating me in the first place if I'm honest. He made out initially that he was very interested in me,and was very affectionate.  But now I don't know what   to think.

Edited June 18, 2023 by Liliana09

[Weezy1973]

It’s very early stages. You’re both just figuring out if you’re both compatible. Do you want to be with someone who is so inconsistent and with this much baggage? 

[Wiseman2]

35 minutes ago, Liliana09 said:

 lately we haven't met for a while,due to there being problems with car and road problems/ traffic or issues in his life. 

Sorry this happened. He's backing out of the relationship with a typical list of "too busy, too stressed, too complicated right now, etc."

You're correct in questioning why he's on dating apps if all this is happening. 

There's no need to be "supportive" of this. Whether all these excuses have a grain of truth or not is not as relevant as the fact that he's not ready willing or able to date you at this time.

Unfortunately it seems like he's just looking for hookups. Delete and block him. 

Edited June 18, 2023 by Wiseman2

[Liliana09]

I keep going back and forth with him , sometimes when we're in regular contact and meeting....it feels exciting and great. But then there's always flakiness and excuses, he appears online twice a day  but doesn't speak anymore.

 

There's always something pulling us apart ....and it feels like we're distancing now ( he's  previously gone a whole week without contact due to an emergency of losing  a friend he was called for , again I eventually became understanding... despite him not talking to me for a week) . He himself has acknowledged his situation / baggage is unusual and might not be for everyone.

 

The latest excuse...I just wonder am I being taken for a ride?,but at the same time if there is genuine worries and problems on his life...I don't want to be unreasonable,I think I've tried to be understanding and supportive , like I said this isn't the first time .

 

I keep  wondering if I'm just being ghosted and that he's found someone else ,or maybe he's not interested in dating anymore. He made out at the time that he was only interested in dating me ,and that if things ended or if we never met...that he'd just stay single and keep himself to himself. As he's not one to go out just  "looking for women " unless he has a deep connection with someone. 

[glows]

Ask yourself what you need in order to progress to a relationship and determine by his actions whether you’re compatible. I understand you want to be reasonable and compassionate but if you’re not compatible or he’s not fulfilling what you need, there’s no other deliberation needed whether what he says is true or untrue. 

I wouldn’t go that far figuring out what he’s thinking or feeling. Know what YOU need and go from there.

[FMW]

45 minutes ago, Liliana09 said:

we had been speaking for over a month before we actually met up

So you meet through online dating?

11 minutes ago, Liliana09 said:

He made out at the time that he was only interested in dating me ,and that if things ended or if we never met...that he'd just stay single and keep himself to himself.

If he took the time to be on an online dating app then you probably aren't the only woman he's talked with or even met.  

Before you invest any more time and interest in this guy I would suggest backing off and seeing what kind of effort he makes to keep seeing you.  If his effort is low now, at the beginning, it's likely to only decrease.  It doesn't matter whether he has problems or he's just not too interested.  The result is the same - he's not available to you. 

[Liliana09]

I wanted to carry on with him and see how things go,but even when we use to see eachother....I never had all his time due to his personal stuff in his life. I also feel like he makes more time for his friends,which ok he's known them longer....but at the same time if he genuinely keeps thinking about me and really cares about me ,then surely I should get equally the same amount of time and effort?. 

He kept reassuring me that things won't always be like this ,and that he'll get to see me more and have  more time to do activities . But now the latest with his ex ...has me thinking is he getting back with her or is this just a way for him to end things with me. He will always be tethered to her as they have a child together. 

[glows]

He has a kid and so will be tied to the mother as well as his child for a very long while, possibly the rest of his life. Things seem busy for him. No, I don’t think it’s reasonable to expect to get the same amount of time and attention as his friends or family. You only started dating one month ago.

Having said that he does seem to have time to socialize and meet people. He went one week without communicating prior - this would be a major red flag. Poor communication and lack of consideration. Part of being in a relationship or doing at least a half arsed job of dating is keeping your partner/s in the loop and desiring that communication and emotional intimacy at some level. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to have expected some form of communication. Ie “ Hey, I’ve got something come up this week and I’m hoping we can chat about it soon if you’re free. Let me know when I can call.” All this should have been discussed over the phone not via text. 

How long now has it been since you heard from him and how do you know he’s been going out with friends? Did he inform you of how long he’d be preoccupied with his ex’s emergency? Does he call you with updates or talk about plans to see you next?

[Liliana09]

14 minutes ago, glows said:

He has a kid and so will be tied to the mother as well as his child for a very long while, possibly the rest of his life. Things seem busy for him. No, I don’t think it’s reasonable to expect to get the same amount of time and attention as his friends or family. You only started dating one month ago.

Having said that he does seem to have time to socialize and meet people. He went one week without communicating prior - this would be a major red flag. Poor communication and lack of consideration. Part of being in a relationship or doing at least a half arsed job of dating is keeping your partner/s in the loop and desiring that communi

How long now has it been since you heard from him and how do you know he’s been going out with friends? Did he inform you of how long he’d be preoccupied with his ex’s emergency? Does he call you with updates or talk about plans to see you next?

Ok  maybe I phrased that wrongly ,of course I don't expect to take up all his time..... especially when he has a small  child.  But he himself has talked about trying to find other ways to spend more time with me...while making babysitting arrangements,but it never happens. 

He has told me when he's gone off for a week and left his kid and ex to deal with it. And he has spent a few days with his friends ,and he seemed to give them all of his effort and time.  So this is why it's confusing to me . 

It's like he has more time for them ,but it doesn't make sense as his life seems busy and hectic all the time. He himself says he won't be entertaining his friends for a while....as it was exhausting for him. 

It feels like he's trying to keep me interested whilst also not bothering. I can't even describe it properly .

But basically his excuses and stories sound like that of a scammer or catfish,but he's NIETHER of those things .... it's difficult to explain really. Unless he's just got too much going on.

 

 

 

 

[Liliana09]

45 minutes ago, FMW said:

So you meet through online dating?

If he took the time to be on an online dating app then you probably aren't the only woman he's talked with or even met.  

Before you invest any more time and interest in this guy I would suggest backing off and seeing what kind of effort he makes to keep seeing you.  If his effort is low now, at the beginning, it's likely to only decrease.  It doesn't matter whether he has problems or he's just not too interested.  The result is the same - he's not available to you. 

Yeah that's a good idea about backing off ,and to be honest I have sort have done that. .. especially when he didn't meet the last time I didn't text him until  much later in the evening. As I wasn't going to chase him ,and I couldn't be bothered to comment on the issue,so I changed the topic. Then a day later he told me about the health problems with his ex. I replied and then I sent a mundane text just to reach out ,but still nothing. It's been 2 days . 

[ShyViolet]

You've only been seeing this guy a month and already there are all these problems.... he's constantly "too busy" for you and his communication has dropped off.  He's not interested in you.    A guy doesn't act like this when he's truly interested in someone.  That's all you really need to know.  Stop wasting your time with this and move on.

[glows]

13 minutes ago, Liliana09 said:

Ok  maybe I phrased that wrongly ,of course I don't expect to take up all his time..... especially when he has a small  child.  But he himself has talked about trying to find other ways to spend more time with me...while making babysitting arrangements,but it never happens. 

He has told me when he's gone off for a week and left his kid and ex to deal with it. And he has spent a few days with his friends ,and he seemed to give them all of his effort and time.  So this is why it's confusing to me . 

It's like he has more time for them ,but it doesn't make sense as his life seems busy and hectic all the time. He himself says he won't be entertaining his friends for a while....as it was exhausting for him. 

It feels like he's trying to keep me interested whilst also not bothering. I can't even describe it properly .

But basically his excuses and stories sound like that of a scammer or catfish,but he's NIETHER of those things .... it's difficult to explain really. Unless he's just got too much going on.

 

 

 

 

It’s only one month. So he did inform you beforehand of the times he’d be absent or preoccupied.

Can you be specific what you’re expecting in terms of time together? Are you expecting whole weekends for example or overnight stays? The reason I ask is because you seem upset that he spends a few days at a time with his friends. Are you also expecting him to check in with you when he’s with his friends? 

If you get the sense he’s too busy then don’t make any other effort. You may find it easier to just stop responding to his messages if they’re too few and far between and he’s not ever around.

 

 

[Lotsgoingon]

Traffic and road problems, that's all nonsense. Don't buy it.

Yes or no: is the person we're dating available? We don't care if they are a superhero out saving the world or if car doesn't work. If they are not available and responsive, we want to dump them. Just keep in mind and I'll confess: I've used all these kinds of reasons to delay or pull back from women when I was younger. And I've had women use all these various reasons to pull back from me, even into my 40s. 

Available or not available: that's all you want to ask. Otherwise, there's a high chance you're being lied to as this person pulls away or keeps distance.

[Liliana09]

5 minutes ago, glows said:

It’s only one month. So he did inform you beforehand of the times he’d be absent or preoccupied.

Can you be specific what you’re expecting in terms of time together? Are you expecting whole weekends for example or overnight stays? The reason I ask is because you seem upset that he spends a few days at a time with his friends. Are you also expecting him to check in with you when he’s with his friends? 

If you get the sense he’s too busy then don’t make any other effort. You may find it easier to just stop responding to his messages if they’re too few and far between and he’s not ever around.

 

 

Ok so that there's a bit more perspective,  we first started chatting on a dating app since the end of march ,we talked for over a month until we met up beginning of May . Since then we've chatted and met up ,but in-between there's been issues and ghosting and personal stuff in his life . Them I noticed we were meeting up less and less .

 

Then he was entertaining some friends for a few days. Then when we were going to meet up again,he ram into " traffic problems due to some accident in the road " , funnily enough that same day I experienced busy public transport and traffic,but I still managed to get to our destination on time . But 3 hours later he told he " couldn't make it " . I felt disappointed and let down and tired ,I didn't respond back till much later in the evening. 

 

Then a day goes by and now like I said there's this medical problem with his ex. It's been nearly 2 weeks since we last saw eachother. 

 

He always use to talk about plans we will make together as a couple,we both would. I guess we thought ahead of ourselves. But now I'm wondering....was it all just to keep me hanging on ?. He said he's not playing games as he said they'd be nothing to gain from it from his point. 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Liliana09 said:

But now the latest with his ex ...has me thinking is he getting back with her or is this just a way for him to end things with me.

Doubtful. You’ve known the man for two months - he could easily fade or just tell you that it’s not going to work out. 

Have you considered the idea that they were never separated?

Regardless, you are clearly more invested than he is and/or he just does not have the time or the interest in a serious relationship right now. I would suggest that you back off and see what he does - this is most likely going to fade away because he’s not showing you that he is invested.

Edited June 18, 2023 by BaileyB

[glows]

Thanks for the added info. I definitely see why you’re upset and put off.

I’d let this one be and either end it and go your separate ways (be clear it’s not a match) or stop responding altogether and wouldn’t bother with a response. 

  

[Versacehottie]

why are you giving him girlfriend behavior when you are not a girlfriend???  Read that again.  You are undercutting yourself and your power in this situation. Undervaluing yourself, etc. NO. If you want something different, you have to do something different. His stuff honestly sounds like a bunch of excuses, to me. I don't understand being physical after a month if you are barely getting dates and it's not progressing

1 hour ago, Liliana09 said:

He kept reassuring me that things won't always be like this ,and that he'll get to see me more and have  more time to do activities .

Um, big question.  Is he saying this out of the blue OR in response to your complaints or questions about seeing him? I'm going to guess the latter--in which case it's just him trying to say something to placate you and not meaningful AT ALL. If he brought it up unprompted, I would give it "some" weight. Not much though. I rarely say this but I think he's using you. 

I generally think you need to back off a ton and/or say this to him: "it seems like you have a lot going on in your life right now, why don't put what we are doing right now on hold until you have your life more in order. If I'm still available when you've got your sh*t together, we can see if we should date." Honestly you need to convey that your wants and needs and you, yourself are OF VALUE to him otherwise he will just take you for granted. I would even say IF all his stuff has some truth to it, he will probably use you as a bandaid and then when his life settles down, he will go find love with someone he VALUES. 

At a certain point, you need to take responsibility for your actions contributing to this scenario...Staying in it as it is and expecting a different result, is not the way. Good luck

[Weezy1973]

If you ignore the things he says, but instead just focus on what he does, is this someone you want to keep dating?

[Ageless Wisdom23]

It appears to have been like a FWB deal and Now, It has simmered to a lull low.  He may have thought things were getting too serious and he grew cold feet with his excuses.  He may too have a thing for his Ex whom they share a small child.  I do not trust this situation much nor his excuses.  Perhaps focus on meeting someone else.🤕

[NuevoYorko]

This is going nowhere, sorry.   If this is happening in the first month ...

Just let it go.  If you are truly interested in him, and if there is really any hope for the future, he will come back enthusiastic and making all the necessary moves to propel the relationship forward.  I very much would not anticipate this happening, as his position is pretty clear.

[Liliana09]

52 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

This is going nowhere, sorry.   If this is happening in the first month ...

Just let it go.  If you are truly interested in him, and if there is really any hope for the future, he will come back enthusiastic and making all the necessary moves to propel the relationship forward.  I very much would not anticipate this happening, as his position is pretty clear.

Yeah ,I'm not chasing . I'm just going to see what happens. I'm not holding much hope though.

Edited June 18, 2023 by Liliana09

[Liliana09]

1 hour ago, Ageless Wisdom23 said:

It appears to have been like a FWB deal and Now, It has simmered to a lull low.  He may have thought things were getting too serious and he grew cold feet with his excuses.  He may too have a thing for his Ex whom they share a small child.  I do not trust this situation much nor his excuses.  Perhaps focus on meeting someone else.🤕

It's not FWB as it  never got to that stage ,but I guess I am being taken for granted. We would meet up and get very  affectionate and talk for a bit and have drinks. Then he'd always have to leave as he had to pick up his kid from school who he always took to school in the morning. That's another thing....it felt like his ex always made him do the school run on his own. He said she'd be busy working or studying. 

I don't know what to believe , because when he had plans with other people ...he always seemed to have more freedom. 

[Liliana09]

4 hours ago, FMW said:

So you meet through online dating?

If he took the time to be on an online dating app then you probably aren't the only woman he's talked with or even met.  

Before you invest any more time and interest in this guy I would suggest backing off and seeing what kind of effort he makes to keep seeing you.  If his effort is low now, at the beginning, it's likely to only decrease.  It doesn't matter whether he has problems or he's just not too interested.  The result is the same - he's not available to you. 

I use to wonder if he was meeting and talking to other women,but he would tell me that he doesn't have the time to multiply date ....and how he's only invested in  me. 

He got his profile removed,and he stopped using apps ....or so he led me to believe. Who knows....but I see him active on another app that we use to communicate ( a non dating app ) . His pattern is online and offline twice a day ,but I wonder if he's talking to his friends or just "active" as he's using his phone in general. As my messages still haven't been read . 

 

[Liliana09]

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. He's backing out of the relationship with a typical list of "too busy, too stressed, too complicated right now, etc."

You're correct in questioning why he's on dating apps if all this is happening. 

There's no need to be "supportive" of this. Whether all these excuses have a grain of truth or not is not as relevant as the fact that he's not ready willing or able to date you at this time.

Unfortunately it seems like he's just looking for hookups. Delete and block him. 

He reckons he's not interested in ' hookups ' and how it  would  feel wrong if he ever did it . I sometimes feel like he just did dating to kill time. I wonder if he even knows what he wants, maybe he's just too busy and now with this emergency taking up his time. 

[Liliana09]

3 hours ago, glows said:

It’s only one month. So he did inform you beforehand of the times he’d be absent or preoccupied.

Can you be specific what you’re expecting in terms of time together? Are you expecting whole weekends for example or overnight stays? The reason I ask is because you seem upset that he spends a few days at a time with his friends. Are you also expecting him to check in with you when he’s with his friends? 

If you get the sense he’s too busy then don’t make any other effort. You may find it easier to just stop responding to his messages if they’re too few and far between and he’s not ever around.

 

 

I expect more communication ,and I also expect to spend longer with him when I meet him. And I expect to see him more often( when we meet there's  always a certain time he has to leave ,we don't spend long together) ,but it's like it's too much to ask for....and I've said to him that I don't want to be moaning.  He acts like he understands it from my point of view,he even said if I find it too much to deal with....that he's ok with me calling  things off between us ,he said it would be hurtful but he'd understand etc . I wanted to try with him as it's early days . But if guess it's a bad sign if there's all these issues. 

 

He made out he would try and text me more often ,but now he's saying he's all over the place with his ex and her medical problem. He apologised for not being in contact....and I haven't heard anything since Friday morning.