Early Stages Dating Someone

[glows]

1 hour ago, Liliana09 said:

I expect more communication ,and I also expect to spend longer with him when I meet him. And I expect to see him more often( when we meet there's  always a certain time he has to leave ,we don't spend long together) ,but it's like it's too much to ask for....and I've said to him that I don't want to be moaning.  He acts like he understands it from my point of view,he even said if I find it too much to deal with....that he's ok with me calling  things off between us ,he said it would be hurtful but he'd understand etc . I wanted to try with him as it's early days . But if guess it's a bad sign if there's all these issues. 

 

He made out he would try and text me more often ,but now he's saying he's all over the place with his ex and her medical problem. He apologised for not being in contact....and I haven't heard anything since Friday morning. 

Longer as in how long? For some 1 hour or 2 hours tops is enough for some people this early in dating. It’s ok to want what you want but be specific and actually tell the person you’d like to spend whole evenings or give examples of what you’d like to do. Ie dinner and a movie or a hike and a lunch. 

That way the other person will also immediately clue in, “Oh sh*t. I really don’t have time to do those things. All I have time for is coffee and a biscuit.” Some people though, keep in mind, have zero sense of reality and no sense of time. If you feel he’s like this and just all over the place this man isn’t for you.

Ps I don’t think since Friday is too long by most standards but the real underlying issue is the disconnect and you feeling very distant from this man. I think the added frustration of the above and shorter dates plus not enough communication (effective communication) makes the last 2 days annoying. 

Do you feel you have communicated clearly what you want and need to continue seeing him? Tell him exactly what you want. If he can’t meet that that’s fine too. Split amicably and go separate ways.

[MsJayne]

He has a young child and his ex is still a big part of his life, a much bigger part of his life than you're going to be, as demonstrated by the fact that he's taking you for granted five minutes after he met you. Why would you want this situation for yourself? My advice is rip the bandaid off quickly and cut this person out of your life now, today. You're worth much more than just being a convenience for this loser. Why do I call him a loser? The excuses, the car problems, the years of child support ahead, the ex's health problems. He's shown you who he is, pay attention. 

[BaileyB]

5 hours ago, Liliana09 said:

I guess I am being taken for granted.

You would have to be in a serious relationship to be “taken for granted.” 

As it goes, you are in the early stages of dating this man and he’s just not that interested…

5 hours ago, Liliana09 said:

We would meet up and get very  affectionate and talk for a bit and have drinks. Then he'd always have to leave as he had to pick up his kid from school

Welcome to life as a single parent - or rather, life dating a single parent. He can’t stay out late or stay over because he has other responsibilities. 

5 hours ago, Liliana09 said:

That's another thing....it felt like his ex always made him do the school run on his own. He said she'd be busy working or studying. 

That’s between them. As the woman he is currently “dating,” you don’t get to have an opinion on how they share the responsibilities of coparenting their child. 

5 hours ago, Liliana09 said:

I don't know what to believe , because when he had plans with other people ...he always seemed to have more freedom. 

I’m sorry, but all signs point to the fact that he is just not that into you. You are also incompatible in that you want to date a man who has the time to properly be in a relationship with you - and he does not have that kind of time, energy, or interest right now. If I was you, I would put my profile back up on the site and start meeting other men… he’s not reading or responding to your messages. I would move on. 
 

Edited June 18, 2023 by BaileyB

[NuevoYorko]

8 hours ago, Liliana09 said:

 I also feel like he makes more time for his friends,which ok he's known them longer....but at the same time if he genuinely keeps thinking about me and really cares about me ,then surely I should get equally the same amount of time and effort?. 

Hardly.   You've been dating for ONE MONTH.  You are not going to be on "equal time" footing with his friends until / unless you end up in a committed relationship.  Evidently that is off the table completely since you aren't even talking anymore ... so I'm not quite sure what your question might be.  It seems like this fizzled before it really got started.

[Liliana09]

He would tell me that he thinks about me and that he misses me. He even mentioned the idea of us going on holiday together, or going away on day  trips. Why would he say all that if he wasn't interested?. 

[Liliana09]

2 hours ago, glows said:

Longer as in how long? For some 1 hour or 2 hours tops is enough for some people this early in dating. It’s ok to want what you want but be specific and actually tell the person you’d like to spend whole evenings or give examples of what you’d like to do. Ie dinner and a movie or a hike and a lunch. 

That way the other person will also immediately clue in, “Oh sh*t. I really don’t have time to do those things. All I have time for is coffee and a biscuit.” Some people though, keep in mind, have zero sense of reality and no sense of time. If you feel he’s like this and just all over the place this man isn’t for you.

Ps I don’t think since Friday is too long by most standards but the real underlying issue is the disconnect and you feeling very distant from this man. I think the added frustration of the above and shorter dates plus not enough communication (effective communication) makes the last 2 days annoying. 

Do you feel you have communicated clearly what you want and need to continue seeing him? Tell him exactly what you want. If he can’t meet that that’s fine too. Split amicably and go separate ways.

He himself said he wanted to spend longer with me ,when he'd leave each time we met ...we couldn't stop hugging etc. He told me he felt chemistry. 

All I wanted was to be able to spend a few more hours with him a day ,I'm not talking till late at night. I just wanted to spend a proper day with him. Instead of him having to dash off quickly.

 

Like I said....I was understanding of his commitments with his child and his busy lifestyle. But it was just frustrating. But he told me he wouldn't make the journey all that way if he wasn't interested in me . So I felt it had some weight to it.

 

He said his plans were to find his own place ,and that his ex would be moving to another city with their kid. I'm wondering if he told me half truths. 

 

He knew I wanted more time with him ,we even discussed several times about spending the whole day doing activities together. He himself said he would like to . But how things were just difficult at the moment. 

 

He knows what I want,I don't know how much clearer I could be . Plus I don't want to come across as needy or like I'm pestering him now . 

Like you say... it's the lack of communication and the disconnect which leaves me feeling a little depressed . And I'm thinking was all this a waste of time. But he expressed how much he enjoyed spending time with me . I will never understand.

[Liliana09]

20 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

Hardly.   You've been dating for ONE MONTH.  You are not going to be on "equal time" footing with his friends until / unless you end up in a committed relationship.  Evidently that is off the table completely since you aren't even talking anymore ... so I'm not quite sure what your question might be.  It seems like this fizzled before it really got started.

Well for the record we talked a few times,and I asked him if he wanted to be my bf and if he wanted me to be his gf and he said yes . So wouldn't that indicate he wanted a ' serious relationship ' of some kind? ... unless he was lying and just playing games. 

 

He said he only wanted me and nobody else. I didn't expect to have all his free time , I understood he had committments and a busy life . I just wanted a bit more .

 

His last message sounded serious and worrying if it's true ,or it's some excuse to blank me . 

[glows]

Pardon? Do you mind me asking who is he living with now if he hasn’t found his own place? 

I don’t think it’s needy or pestering to be direct and clear about what you need early on. Try not to be so self-conscious about being totally explicit about what you want or need. I’m not meaning this guy as it sounds like low interest coming from him and not clear here what his living situation is.

[Liliana09]

1 minute ago, glows said:

Pardon? Do you mind me asking who is he living with now if he hasn’t found his own place? 

I don’t think it’s needy or pestering to be direct and clear about what you need early on. Try not to be so self-conscious about being totally explicit about what you want or need. I’m not meaning this guy as it sounds like low interest coming from him and not clear here what his living situation is.

He lives with his ex  ( and before you say anything I know that could be seen as a red flag 🚩 🙄) , but he reassured me that they were just looking after their kid together. And that they did their own thing ,and would just talk on a strictly civil way... obviously  they still communicate if they live together,but he would say how he'd be in his room or looking after the child . And that the relationship with  the ex in that sense was over. 

He said they were going to both move elsewhere and sell up. And I believed him...as we all know how difficult it can be finding affordable places to live. 

[glows]

7 minutes ago, Liliana09 said:

He lives with his ex  ( and before you say anything I know that could be seen as a red flag 🚩 🙄) , but he reassured me that they were just looking after their kid together. And that they did their own thing ,and would just talk on a strictly civil way... obviously  they still communicate if they live together,but he would say how he'd be in his room or looking after the child . And that the relationship with  the ex in that sense was over. 

He said they were going to both move elsewhere and sell up. And I believed him...as we all know how difficult it can be finding affordable places to live. 

You realize this line is the oldest line in the book for cheating spouses, right? The first paragraph about his “assurance”. Given this has proven so frustrating from the start it’s a good time to step back. 

[Liliana09]

I had my doubts , i guess there's no way of knowing for sure. But he told me that their relationship failed and that they just didn't work together  as a couple. He made it seem like it's mainly for convenience and financially why they still lived together and obviously they were both raising their child together. I mean it's not impossible is it??... it's not ideal and it is weird  for ex's to still live together but it still happens doesn't it?. especially if they have  young children together. 

I can't step  any further back , i've already been put on hold by him... so all i can do is see if i get a response in this next week . I feel sick in my stomach about what he will say if or when he gets back to me . I even feel a bit guilty by venting on here . But i didn't know where else to turn... as i keep overthinking  stuff and   i wanted to see what people thought about it , i guess it's good to see other people's opinions on these matters .

I actually told him when he last disappeared on me for a week , that i thought he got back with his ex .... his response was  a definite "no"    it felt like it was ridiculous of me to even think that. But i don't know what goes on between them . I kept saying to him that i hope i'm the only one he's kissing and being intimate with , and he kept telling me "of course" .

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Liliana09 said:

He would tell me that he thinks about me and that he misses me. He even mentioned the idea of us going on holiday together, or going away on day  trips. Why would he say all that if he wasn't interested?. 

Because words are easy to say and they mean nothing. If you want to know how he really feels, play attention to his actions. This man prioritized his friends, shares a tremendous responsibility with his ex, and he is not returning your calls… 

[Liliana09]

Just now, BaileyB said:

Because words are easy to say and they mean nothing. If you want to know how he really feels, play attention to his actions. This man prioritized his friends, shares a tremendous responsibility with his ex, and he is not returning your calls… 

Dont you think he meant any of those words ?. I'm definitely going to be paying attention to his actions, I wonder if I'll even get a reply...I feel I've been forgotten about. 

I did wonder what would happen if I also go silent on him for a while ,but I think he'd just disappear aswell. But I'm curious ...but I also worry it will just push him further into someone else's arms or that he'll probably just give up on dating.But I feel like giving up on dating myself,I don't have the energy or the patience to scroll through online looking for other men.

 

It's exhausting starting again from scratch. I thought I genuinely found a connection with someone and I wanted to focus just on him. I don't even use the apps as they're just full of cesspit garbage. 

[BaileyB]

44 minutes ago, Liliana09 said:

He lives with his ex, but he reassured me that they were just looking after their kid together.

Girl, what are you thinking trying to get with a man who is living with his “ex” girlfriend/wife and their child? 

Is he married? Are they separated? Are they still dating? 

How exactly is this going to work if you were to keep seeing each other - are you going to go over to his house to hang with his ex and his son? You going to join them for dinner and stay over? 

No, you should be looking for a single man to date - not a man who is still living with their baby momma. Boy, you have got way ahead of yourself here and yes, you are overthinking things. Keep it simple - he’s living his his child and that child’s mother = he’s not able to be in a serious relationship with you. 

Edited June 18, 2023 by BaileyB

[Liliana09]

3 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Girl, what are you thinking trying to get with a man who is living with his “ex” girlfriend/wife and their child? 

Is he married? Are they separated? Are they still dating? 

How exactly is this going to work if you were to keep seeing each other - are you going to go over to his house to hang with his ex and his son? You going to join them for dinner and stay over? 

No, you should be looking for a single man to date - not a man who is still living with their baby momma. Boy, you have got way ahead of yourself here and yes, you are overthinking things. Keep it simple - he’s living his his child and that child’s mother = he’s not able to be in a serious relationship with you. 

They were never married according  to him , but he has been married previously to someone else. but this ex was just an old girlfriend. And from what he told me things went badly for them as a couple and they didn't get on. And seem to get on better as just friends. But now i'm wondering whether i should ask him if he still has feelings for his ex . but i don't want an argument, he actually told me he use to argue with his ex. 

She's his EX  yes they have a child together, but like i said  i found it weird and i had my doubts... but the reason i held on and wanted to carry on with him was because he said they  both going to move out  and SELL UP the place. He said when they get a buyer..... his ex will move to another city with  their child , and that the child will visit him on weekends. So because he told me that and he said that him and his ex both have their separate busy  lives and only communicate as friends , i thought it would be ok. And because he said he wanted to get his own place and he seemed to really want to get on with his life . The situation is weird and complicated but i wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt as i liked him ... really liked him. And he kept telling me that things won't always be like this with his ex . So i just went along with it  . But now all of a sudden he's saying his ex is  in hospital ill  getting treatment... and how he's all over the place and busy.   I can't see why he'd lie about that?... but at the same time it's so bizarre and i don't know what he expects me to say or do?. What if his ex wants him back?. 

[Liliana09]

14 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Girl, what are you thinking trying to get with a man who is living with his “ex” girlfriend/wife and their child? 

Is he married? Are they separated? Are they still dating? 

How exactly is this going to work if you were to keep seeing each other - are you going to go over to his house to hang with his ex and his son? You going to join them for dinner and stay over? 

No, you should be looking for a single man to date - not a man who is still living with their baby momma. Boy, you have got way ahead of yourself here and yes, you are overthinking things. Keep it simple - he’s living his his child and that child’s mother = he’s not able to be in a serious relationship with you. 

I don't go for guys who are taken ,  he was openly on a dating app and i messaged him not knowing he STILL LIVED WITH HIS EX until he told me  his situation and that he had a child. Maybe i should have  stop talking to him from then... and seen it as a red flag, but he kept telling me that  he knows his situation isn't for everyone  and that it both him and his ex have nothing romantic going on and that they're both like passing ships in the night. He made it sound more like they just work together as flatmates to run the home and to look after and raise their kid together , what was i to think ?.

And no of course i would never go to his house , he himself knew he could never invite women back . And he said his ex didn't either due to their child and that situation.  Like i said he kept saying his plans were for them to sell up and that he'd find his own place and that she'd live elsewhere, so again  what was i meant to say??.... i genuinely  thought things would  leade to that next chapter, but then i started to think it would never happen. He himself said he didn't know how long it would take for the house to sell . But now i think he'll be living with his ex and child forever ... especially if she's ill now . i think he'll be her permanent carer now and just stay with her.

[Liliana09]

Maybe he also thinks i have nothing better to do but just sit and wait for him to reach out .  I kept hoping his ex would  out of his life ( i know she can't be completely out of his life as they have a kid ) but atleast not living together anymore. He himself seemed to want things to move along with the house being sold etc . SO i just believed him. Who knows what the dynamic will be now , but i have a bad feeling about it .

I know people say it's non of my business... but it sounded to me like she bullied him into doing most of the child care anyway, there was a time when  she was supposed to take their kid to a party of her relative's ... and he said he was going to meet me , then last minute the day before .......he said plans have changed and now he has to stay at home with their kid , while she's out at her family's gathering . And i always found it weird that he himself would do the school run, even if he had others things to do.  But who knows what's real or  true anymore ??.

[BaileyB]

He’s not wrong, learning that had a failed marriage and he was living with the mother of his child would be an absolute dealbreaker for most women. 

Of course, if you chose to believe his words that your choice but remember - you have known this man for two months. You don’t know him well and you have no reason to believe him other than blind good-will. For all you know, they are still in a relationship and he is looking for a little extra on the side - and when that didn’t happen, he has faded away… You don’t know, because you don’t really know the man.

So do yourself a favour and stop analyzing whether his wife is selfish because she chose to go to a family gathering and passed off childcare to her child’s father, whether he actually intends to sell the home and how long it will take him to establish himself independently, or whether he will become her caregiver if she is actually ill… 

You haven’t even had sex with the man. You are not in a relationship with the man. He’s not even returning your calls right now. This is a whole lot of nothing… 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Liliana09 said:

it sounded to me like she bullied him into doing most of the child care anyway, there was a time when  she was supposed to take their kid to a party of her relative's ... and he said he was going to meet me , then last minute the day before .......he said plans have changed and now he has to stay at home with their kid , while she's out at her family's gathering .

BTW, as a woman dating a man with a child - this is reality when you are dating a single father. If you were to be in a relationship with the man, this is only the first of many dates that will be cancelled because his ex is sick, or she has to work, or she has another conflict, or he has asked because he has a conflict and he needs her to stay with the child another day… Coparents negotiate these kinds of situations all the time and it’s not controlling or bullying or pressuring. It’s his child, of course he is going to chose to be with his child. 

Edited June 19, 2023 by BaileyB

[Liliana09]

36 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

He’s not wrong, learning that had a failed marriage and he was living with the mother of his child would be an absolute dealbreaker for most women. 

Of course, if you chose to believe his words that your choice but remember - you have known this man for two months. You don’t know him well and you have no reason to believe him other than blind good-will. For all you know, they are still in a relationship and he is looking for a little extra on the side - and when that didn’t happen, he has faded away… You don’t know, because you don’t really know the man.

So do yourself a favour and stop analyzing whether his wife is selfish because she chose to go to a family gathering and passed off childcare to her child’s father, whether he actually intends to sell the home and how long it will take him to establish himself independently, or whether he will become her caregiver if she is actually ill… 

You haven’t even had sex with the man. You are not in a relationship with the man. He’s not even returning your calls right now. This is a whole lot of nothing… 

He wasn't married to his child's mother , he says they were just in a relationship. But he said  they argued and didn't get on . His marriage was with an entirely different woman who he doesn't even have contact with anymore  and   she lives in a different country.

Well I guess I meant nothing to him then. I feel like my time has been wasted,and my feelings messed around with. You can say I'm overreacting....but if someone keeps telling you they want to be with you ,and have met you several times and acted all romantic and intimate touchy feely . It's going to have an affect on you. Especially if you've spent the past 2 and a half months sending eachother  long detailed messages.

The beginning was war & peace back and forth essays ,then a few days ago he sent me some long thoughtful texts again. So what am  I meant to think...do I just switch off my feelings like a lump of stone?. 

Edited June 19, 2023 by Liliana09

[NuevoYorko]

2 hours ago, Liliana09 said:

Dont you think he meant any of those words ?. I'm definitely going to be paying attention to his actions, I wonder if I'll even get a reply...I feel I've been forgotten about. 

I guess you'll find out.   Definitely, though,  you need to take all of your eggs out of this basket.  

Regardless of his situation with his ex, how much time he spends with his friends or kid, one thing is clear:  This relationship has followed the path of most other relationships.   It started off with a lot of exciting feelings and when reality set in it petered out.  

It doesn't mean that he was not sincere.   It just didn't work out.  Most dating does not lead to marriage or cohabitation or anything like that.  

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Liliana09 said:

He wasn't married to his child's mother , he says they were just in a relationship. But he said  they argued and didn't get on . His marriage was with an entirely different woman who he doesn't even have contact with anymore  and   she lives in a different country.

 

I realize that. 

He has an ex wife and an ex-girlfriend with whom he continues to live and also shares a child.  Complicated. He knows it. 

I agree with the statement above, he may have been very sincere but the reality is - he has other obligations and it does not appear that he has the time or ability to be in a serious relationship right now. 

You really do need to take all your eggs out of this one basket. You are much more invested in this relationship than he is at this point, and that’s not necessarily a good thing for you. I would suggest that you find something else to do with your time - with time, your path forward will reveal itself. 

Edited June 19, 2023 by BaileyB

[Alpacalia]

You have way too many expectations in the early days of your relationship. It's perfectly normal to want more communication, and want to see someone more often, but at the same time, you also need to be realistic about it. He has made it clear that he is willing to try to meet your needs, but it seems that you are asking for more than he can realistically provide right now.

Not that this is a general rule but typically as relationships grow, so do the amount of communication and time spent together.

More importantly, way too soon for him to be dating if he is still living together with his ex. He should focus on his own healing process and give himself enough time to move on before entering a new relationship. You have no clue how that relationship really ended and what's what and it's not fair to the new person (you) to be dragged into potential drama. It's best for him to take time to work through his feelings and be honest about his situation before dating anyone else.

Say thanks and ask him to circle back to you when he’s out on his own & if you’re still single maybe you can get coffee or something.

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, Liliana09 said:

. It's  exhausting starting again from scratch. I thought I genuinely found a connection with someone and I wanted to focus just on him. I don't even use the apps as they're just full of cesspit garbage. 

Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately along with the list of excuses why he can't see you or communicate, living with an ex is a huge red flag. Sadly you can get burnout from trying to make unworkable situations work .

Please get a good profile and pics on quality relationship-focused (paid) dating apps. Carefully select your screening and matching criteria. Paid apps may offer more serious daters and better screening and matching tools. Start talking to and meeting available interested single men.

Make a mental list of important qualities you are looking for and more importantly make a firm list of red flags and deal breakers. 

Living with an ex, or being in another relationship should be near the top of your list of red flags. Try not to even entertain such men, no less get involved with them.

Please don't pour more of your time and energy into this situation. He's not really a candidate for dating. Try to cut your losses early to prevent headaches and heartaches. 

Edited June 19, 2023 by Wiseman2

[Liliana09]

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately along with the list of excuses why he can't see you or communicate, living with an ex is a huge red flag. Sadly you can get burnout from trying to make unworkable situations work .

Please get a good profile and pics on quality relationship-focused (paid) dating apps. Carefully select your screening and matching criteria. Paid apps may offer more serious daters and better screening and matching tools. Start talking to and meeting available interested single men.

Make a mental list of important qualities you are looking for and more importantly make a firm list of red flags and deal breakers. 

Living with an ex, or being in another relationship should be near the top of your list of red flags. Try not to even entertain such men, no less get involved with them.

Please don't pour more of your time and energy into this situation. He's not really a candidate for dating. Try to cut your losses early to prevent headaches and heartaches. 

I won't be taking an interest in the apps anymore, and I definitely won't be using the paid sites either . As those can still be a waste and full of time wasters,I don't think it filters out much. And I heard that catfish and bots still get through those sites anyway. And I've heard bad reviews of people paying out memberships and then wrongly getting their profile and accounts removed,and still being charged money from their credit card 🤦‍♀️🙄. 

I'm just going to try and  focus on other things.But it's difficult as I keep overthinking this.