Early Stages Dating Someone

[Liliana09]

4 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

You have way too many expectations in the early days of your relationship. It's perfectly normal to want more communication, and want to see someone more often, but at the same time, you also need to be realistic about it. He has made it clear that he is willing to try to meet your needs, but it seems that you are asking for more than he can realistically provide right now.

Not that this is a general rule but typically as relationships grow, so do the amount of communication and time spent together.

More importantly, way too soon for him to be dating if he is still living together with his ex. He should focus on his own healing process and give himself enough time to move on before entering a new relationship. You have no clue how that relationship really ended and what's what and it's not fair to the new person (you) to be dragged into potential drama. It's best for him to take time to work through his feelings and be honest about his situation before dating anyone else.

Say thanks and ask him to circle back to you when he’s out on his own & if you’re still single maybe you can get coffee or something.

Too many expectations? , Well he's the one that kept  making out things will be ok between us. And how much he misses me and all the things he'd like to do. But I guess I should have realised it was too good to be true. I don't know why he met me  all those times. 

[glows]

Just catching up on the thread here. A couple of things stood out from post #1. I want to go over a few things from the beginning.  

-I’m curious why it took over a month for both of you to meet in person. Usually online dating means meeting in a timely manner within a few days or the same week of matching. Try not to let it drag on for weeks and weeks and in the process get attached to lengthy text based romances - these more often than not give a false sense of intimacy. Ie the predicament you’re in now - I feel like I know this person but yet I don’t know enough about him and he’s still a complete stranger. Don’t do this in future. Keep the messages short and to the point and meet asap. 

-Second, no more excuses for dating anyone still living with an ex. This is a major no no. We want to be open minded but not this open minded to the point that we run the risk of wasting time on total time wasters who still are very enmeshed and connected to their past lives. He is not in any position to date still living with an ex. Be kind and firm and can it when you hear this. I’ve got a strong feeling he never expected it to get this far with you and might even be wondering why a single and available woman like yourself is hanging around someone like him. It just doesn’t make sense. He knows he’s not a catch. 

-Online dating is not bad. You just have to have extraordinary amounts of free time and the patience of a saint to sift through many many profiles and be selective about who you meet. Again, make it prompt and timely for a first meet. Not a match? Next. Don’t take it too hard or personally. Take breaks. Move to the next potential match. Some people do decide online dating is not for them but don’t swing so far right now making any decisions as you may be turned off by this one guy who was never really an option. Why close yourself off to possibilities later just because of one guy? Hit pause. Take a break. Come back with fresh eyes and do things differently the next time around.

-Block this guy. No more giving this the time of day or leaving the door open a crack to see whether he responds ..oh I don’t know, closer to 2024. He’s not available in the way you need someone to be to date. Let go and say goodbye. 

-Stay positive and balance dating out with other hobbies and interests. It’s too easy to get sucked into the swiping vortex and dating apps. Stay in touch with friends and build a solid support network and be confident in what you bring to a potential relationship. Don’t get dragged down by this! Onwards.

Edited June 19, 2023 by glows

[Liliana09]

8 minutes ago, glows said:

Just catching up on the thread here. A couple of things stood out from post #1. I want to go over a few things from the beginning.  

-I’m curious why it took over a month for both of you to meet in person. Usually online dating means meeting in a timely manner within a few days or the same week of matching. Try not to let it drag on for weeks and weeks and in the process get attached to lengthy text based romances - these more often than not give a false sense of intimacy. Ie the predicament you’re in now - I feel like I know this person but yet I don’t know enough about him and he’s still a complete stranger. Don’t do this in future. Keep the messages short and to the point and meet asap. 

-Second, no more excuses for dating anyone still living with an ex. This is a major no no. We want to be open minded but not this open minded to the point that we run the risk of wasting time on total time wasters who still are very enmeshed and connected to their past lives. He is not in any position to date still living with an ex. Be kind and firm and can it when you hear this. I’ve got a strong feeling he never expected it to get this far with you and might even be wondering why a single and available woman like yourself is hanging around someone like him. It just doesn’t make sense. He knows he’s not a catch. 

-Online dating is not bad. You just have to have extraordinary amounts of free time and the patience of a saint to sift through many many profiles and be selective about who you meet. Again, make it prompt and timely for a first meet. Not a match? Next. Don’t take it too hard or personally. Take breaks. Move to the next potential match. Some people do decide online dating is not for them but don’t swing so far right now making any decisions as you may be turned off by this one guy who was never really an option. Why close yourself off to possibilities later just because of one guy? Hit pause. Take a break. Come back with fresh eyes and do things differently the next time around.

-Block this guy. No more giving this the time of day or leaving the door open a crack to see whether he responds ..oh I don’t know, closer to 2024. He’s not available in the way you need someone to be to date. Let go and say goodbye. 

-Stay positive and balance dating out with other hobbies and interests. It’s too easy to get sucked into the swiping vortex and dating apps. Stay in touch with friends and build a solid support network and be confident in what you bring to a potential relationship. Don’t get dragged down by this! Onwards.

The reason I chatted online for a month, is I think that's a fair amount of time to get an idea that someone is ' fairly normal ' . I also wanted to see if we had things in common and if  he could hold a  decent proper conversation.

You're saying I should have kept it straight to point and net up straight away,but I can't think  of anything more boring and frustrating ...than a guy who can't spell ( I forgive typos), but a guy who talks like this " hw iz u "  does not fascinate me .  And short messages  are generic and again repetitive, I prefer proper conversation.

I hate messages that are  just " hi" or

" wot u up to "   or " hey there" . I hate low effort messages.  Maybe I fell for his charm and lies in romantic long conversation. But the point is WE MET up several times ,and things were going really well 🤷‍♀️. He was keen and very eager to keep meeting up. Again what am I meant to think ?. 

 

I understand the whole trying to avoid time wasting ,but I'm not going to sift  through a ton of  endless profiles. I don't have the patience anymore. I still occasionally look through...but more as a glance rather than as a mission . 

I'm not a fan of meeting up quickly and multiply dating to find the ' right man' . I don't have the stamina or the mental health to go through that mess. I'd rather have long gaps between finding 1 or 2 decent men or who seem ok to actually talk to with a coffee or drinks. 

I'm not going to be one of those serial daters who experience the bad the ugly and the bizarre 🤦‍♀️🙄. It's like russian roulette to play that strategy. So I'd rather get to know someone for a few weeks /  1 month tops before I feel safe enough to meet..... That's just how I do things 🤷‍♀️. 

[Versacehottie]

20 hours ago, Liliana09 said:

.but I see him active on another app that we use to communicate ( a non dating app ) . His pattern is online and offline twice a day ,but I wonder if he's talking to his friends or just "active" as he's using his phone in general. As my messages still haven't been read . 

This honestly begs this question: do you have his phone number? If not, and you only communicate through this "app" (assuming WhatsApp or something similar), then again I think he's just using you and probably has another relationship going on.

[ShyViolet]

14 hours ago, Liliana09 said:

He lives with his ex  ( and before you say anything I know that could be seen as a red flag 🚩 🙄)

Are you kidding??  It's time to stop sitting around and obsessing over a guy who lives with someone else, who is not communicating with you and no longer returning your calls.  You need to block him.  That is probably the only thing that will enable you to break this cycle and stop wasting your time with this.

Don't worry about the dating apps.  If you don't want to do the dating apps then don't.  When the time is right for you to date again, it will happen.

[Liliana09]

7 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

Are you kidding??  It's time to stop sitting around and obsessing over a guy who lives with someone else, who is not communicating with you and no longer returning your calls.  You need to block him.  That is probably the only thing that will enable you to break this cycle and stop wasting your time with this.

Don't worry about the dating apps.  If you don't want to do the dating apps then don't.  When the time is right for you to date again, it will happen.

I doubt it will happen ,I'm not going to date  again. No point really . 

[Versacehottie]

OP, you said you can't pull back any further and are just waiting for a response. That's a very powerless stance and you are treating yourself like a doormat. Someone above asked: how does this relationship/his actions make you feel and then I would say answer that you have your answer about what you should do proactively!!  You can back off in lots of ways, including moving on, stopping communicating with him, speaking up with him about the issue at hand. You don't just "wait" until he gets back in touch and then act romantic and cheery. 

I found it odd that you keep using the past tense when talking about the relationship. Did he already break it off (essentially) with you and you are trying to get some clarity or vent here or find out what you can "do" to change the outcome?

You said you guys used to have long romantic conversations via the dating app....If he had time for those  before and doesn't have time for contact except for sporadically on his terms, he's losing interest, in another relationship, trying to date others or used you---or all of the above.  

You can't let being scared or frustrated by dating/dating on the apps,  have you settle for a bad situation or a loser/user. That seems like a part of what you are doing. You know how many people succeed just by persisting a bit longer? Lots. I also think your process of how you consider it multi-dating to talk to more than one guy at a time and talk to them for a month is not efficient. It's a waste of your time. That would mean you might waste a year or many more to get to the right person instead of get to your person faster. You have to switch things to where you are managing your energy better, in order to stay positive. Too much to go into here but yeah. I'm afraid the way you do things is problematic and then it leads to you making these bad choices.

 

 

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, Liliana09 said:

Too many expectations? , Well he's the one that kept  making out things will be ok between us. And how much he misses me and all the things he'd like to do. But I guess I should have realised it was too good to be true. I don't know why he met me  all those times. 

Fewer expectations early on in relationships because it can help avoid becoming too attached to a bad situation. Expectations are inevitable to some degree, but having few can help you keep them realistic and avoid feeling overly attached.

He has too much baby mama drama. It’s best to minimize expectations and focus on living in the present moment. The present moment is that he is unavailable, living with an ex, and with a child involved. Step back and evaluate if this is what you want for your relationship future.

[stillafool]

3 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

The present moment is that he is unavailable, living with an ex, and with a child involved. Step back and evaluate if this is what you want for your relationship future.

This should have been your first train of thought before you even got involved with him.  What was so great about this guy that you didn't do a hard pass on him?

[Liliana09]

11 minutes ago, stillafool said:

This should have been your first train of thought before you even got involved with him.  What was so great about this guy that you didn't do a hard pass on him?

Because we had things in common and he lured me in with full conversation,we would talk about anything and everything. It felt like I was talking to a decent person with an actual personality and emotions. Instead of the usual robotic  degenerate immature illiterate fools on there 🤷‍♀️🙄. 

He would tell me how he found talking to me interesting and how he was looking forward to getting to know me . And when we met .... I would ask how he felt etc and if he wants to meet again,the guy wanted to meet straight away again .

He seemed eager and enthusiastic about it all . He even mentioned going on trips and holiday ideas with me . But maybe he just wanted to kill time and use me.

Maybe he wants me to stop contact with him,but he's probably too  weak to be honest?. Some people do this tactic don't they ? ...when they lose interest ,but instead of being honest they just push the person away by ghosting them . Which is pathetic really. 

[Liliana09]

1 hour ago, Versacehottie said:

OP, you said you can't pull back any further and are just waiting for a response. That's a very powerless stance and you are treating yourself like a doormat. Someone above asked: how does this relationship/his actions make you feel and then I would say answer that you have your answer about what you should do proactively!!  You can back off in lots of ways, including moving on, stopping communicating with him, speaking up with him about the issue at hand. You don't just "wait" until he gets back in touch and then act romantic and cheery. 

I found it odd that you keep using the past tense when talking about the relationship. Did he already break it off (essentially) with you and you are trying to get some clarity or vent here or find out what you can "do" to change the outcome?

You said you guys used to have long romantic conversations via the dating app....If he had time for those  before and doesn't have time for contact except for sporadically on his terms, he's losing interest, in another relationship, trying to date others or used you---or all of the above.  

You can't let being scared or frustrated by dating/dating on the apps,  have you settle for a bad situation or a loser/user. That seems like a part of what you are doing. You know how many people succeed just by persisting a bit longer? Lots. I also think your process of how you consider it multi-dating to talk to more than one guy at a time and talk to them for a month is not efficient. It's a waste of your time. That would mean you might waste a year or many more to get to the right person instead of get to your person faster. You have to switch things to where you are managing your energy better, in order to stay positive. Too much to go into here but yeah. I'm afraid the way you do things is problematic and then it leads to you making these bad choices.

 

 

No he hasn't broken anything off , like I said ....the last message I had was Friday morning about how busy and snowed under and all over the place he is as his ex has been rushed to hospital to have surgery. And he apologised for being quiet . And that's all I've had ... nothing else since from him 🤷‍♀️🙄. 

So I guess I should just take that as a hint of him saying goodbye 👋 then . But he originally said he wanted to be my boyfriend and that he wanted me to be his girlfriend. But I guess he just said what he thought I wanted to hear. I don't understand why at our age .... people still mess around .

 

He himself use to tell me he's not that type of guy and how he doesn't understand others who do that . And how he will focus on 1 person. He kept saying he will not get bored of me 😒🤷‍♀️. 

[Weezy1973]

2 hours ago, Liliana09 said:

So I'd rather get to know someone for a few weeks /  1 month tops before I feel safe enough to meet..... That's just how I do things 🤷‍♀️. 

And clearly how you do things isn’t working. At all. To the point where you’re giving up on dating and finding love altogether. 
 

Although from how you’ve described your thoughts and feelings in this thread, I’d agree that it doesn’t sound like you’re in a good place to be dating. Deal with your emotional and mental health first. And then get back into dating after.

[mark clemson]

2 hours ago, Liliana09 said:

Too many expectations? , Well he's the one that kept  making out things will be ok between us. And how much he misses me and all the things he'd like to do. But I guess I should have realised it was too good to be true.

It's not "too good" to be true, just that in his case it wasn't true.

When someone could be making you a priority, but isn't, that tends to tell you what you need to know. He isn't overly serious about this relationship and/or is slow fading and/or has too much else on his plate. He also sounds like he is flaky or let's himself get pulled in too many different directions.

There are other fish in the sea...

 

[Liliana09]

Yeah he's extremely flaky and unreliable, today he has appeared online about 3 times on the non dating app where we communicate,he still hasn't read my messages from the weekend. And he always logs off.  What is the point . 

[glows]

2 hours ago, Liliana09 said:

The reason I chatted online for a month, is I think that's a fair amount of time to get an idea that someone is ' fairly normal ' . I also wanted to see if we had things in common and if  he could hold a  decent proper conversation.

You're saying I should have kept it straight to point and net up straight away,but I can't think  of anything more boring and frustrating ...than a guy who can't spell ( I forgive typos), but a guy who talks like this " hw iz u "  does not fascinate me .  And short messages  are generic and again repetitive, I prefer proper conversation.

I hate messages that are  just " hi" or

" wot u up to "   or " hey there" . I hate low effort messages.  Maybe I fell for his charm and lies in romantic long conversation. But the point is WE MET up several times ,and things were going really well 🤷‍♀️. He was keen and very eager to keep meeting up. Again what am I meant to think ?. 

 

I understand the whole trying to avoid time wasting ,but I'm not going to sift  through a ton of  endless profiles. I don't have the patience anymore. I still occasionally look through...but more as a glance rather than as a mission . 

I'm not a fan of meeting up quickly and multiply dating to find the ' right man' . I don't have the stamina or the mental health to go through that mess. I'd rather have long gaps between finding 1 or 2 decent men or who seem ok to actually talk to with a coffee or drinks. 

I'm not going to be one of those serial daters who experience the bad the ugly and the bizarre 🤦‍♀️🙄. It's like russian roulette to play that strategy. So I'd rather get to know someone for a few weeks /  1 month tops before I feel safe enough to meet..... That's just how I do things 🤷‍♀️. 

The point is you’re overinvested for the small handful of times you’ve been meeting with a man still living with an ex. Things need to change up because you’re going to find yourself right back where you started. I get it - admitting we’re wrong is tough but the way things are going isn’t the kind of mindset either that’s particularly attractive to potential partners.

Most people (people who seriously are looking for a long term partner) will want to know exactly who that person is on the other side of the screen in person. Not clear here why you’re feeling unsafe. Always remember to keep the first meets in a public place and don’t give out personal details early on. If you’re looking for someone educated and with the same goals then there are other ways to determine conversational skills and linguistic capability. What does the person do for a living? What kinds of relationships does he have with his work colleagues or with family? How does he space his thoughts or problem solve? Can he actually plan a date or is he capable or available to do it? You find these out in action and in real time and I reckon you’d have found out about his lack of interest and in person availability way earlier if this wasn’t a one month long texting situation. He should have been NEXT’d that same day you matched or his living situation given serious deliberation the DAY OF finding out.

It’s ok to let this roll off your back and move on. Don’t feel so down like I said where you’re giving up online dating and feeling so dejected that there’s nothing you can do or this is just the way you do things. Change, update, evolve. This isn’t working.

[Versacehottie]

1 hour ago, Liliana09 said:

No he hasn't broken anything off , like I said ....the last message I had was Friday morning about how busy and snowed under and all over the place he is as his ex has been rushed to hospital to have surgery. And he apologised for being quiet . And that's all I've had ... nothing else since from him 🤷‍♀️🙄. 

So I guess I should just take that as a hint of him saying goodbye 👋 then . But he originally said he wanted to be my boyfriend and that he wanted me to be his girlfriend. But I guess he just said what he thought I wanted to hear. I don't understand why at our age .... people still mess around .

 

He himself use to tell me he's not that type of guy and how he doesn't understand others who do that . And how he will focus on 1 person. He kept saying he will not get bored of me 😒🤷‍♀️. 

Sorry I forgot what I read the other day....ok, then I would also say you are overly invested....Again I go back to the first thing I said ....you are acting like his girlfriend when you really aren't getting that nor are that to him. Taking him at his word....his "problems" are not your problems...So if he's having drama and chaos in his life, you don't have to melancholy and fatalistic about stuff--I would revert to what some of the others said...at one month in and he's really not your boyfriend yet, if the chaos is real, you are expecting too much to be in contact over this past weekend if he's telling the truth. (for the record, I think he's exaggerating at best; lying at worst).  You didn't answer my question about the phone number---why do you only communicate on an app that is not the dating app?

I can see communicating on the dating app but if you've "progressed" to something else and you don't have his number that's a huge red flag. It's a fake progression. And possibly designed where you won't see his additional dating app activity or to give you the impression that he's off the dating app. It also gives him the luxury of keeping you at arms length. I would also say for your part if you are already monitoring when he's using the app you communicate on and noticing he's not using that time to talk to you or leaves you on read, he already has the upper hand and you are already overly attached. Like you can't ignore the reality of his life. Let's say everything he says about being busy and stressed is true....that STILL doesn't make him in a great place to be dating. And you are undervaluing yourself to put up with it. He's being unrealistic about dating if this is his life right now and so are you. As Bailey said, if he's the dad of a young child with other priorities, you will be waiting on the sidelines many times in the future. That's just reality. 

I feel like it's been naive of you to take in all the sweet nothings of these romantic conversations as if they are truth. They are only the truth if they are backed up with actions. I would never recommend believing all this stuff right off the bat. He doesn't really know you and you don't really know him. They are meaningless words...In fact, to me it's a huge red flag. Normal guys with good intentions usually don't come on that strong (especially without backing it up with their actions!!!).  Some guys come on that strong but then they are just as fickle because the words were meaningless and they didn't really know you--they "fall fast" and then change their minds. It's fleeting. Some guys  that come on that strong are "dreamers".  They live in some fantasy escape land. If he's stuck in a bad relationship or the end of one, this could easily be him...You provide an escape--again the words are essentially meaningless. Then there's option 3 where he's just has bad intentions--some physical action or to date as many people as possible. Some have mentioned the 4th possibility where he meant it at the time but doesn't anymore, which is normal in early stages of dating with lots of people. Valid possibility---though I think the least likely in this scenario because of his actions (coming on super strong and not backing it up). I'm sure you know this--but perhaps he's just fading away in order to keep you on back burner..Whether geniune, ie he thinks he can pick the relationship back up with you when his life settles down or disingenuous, like he's stringing you along, this isn't that abnormal. Lots of times this is how guys unravel themselves from relationships that maybe they initially thought would be a great idea but now don't. 

I find that you've been physical the most telling. With such little time, how many dates could you two have gone on in a month? 3-4? You should let us know. I think if a guy is sooooo relationship oriented that he's put you on a princess pedestal from some dating app conversation, he will pussyfoot around a bit more than quickly get physical if he's being genuine.  If he's not honest about what he's up to, of course, he will quickly get physical. (also maybe he didn't feel chemistry and that is why he's fading; you can't presume that won't factor in even if he has good intentions--it could all change if he didn't feel chemistry with you). 

Idk, how old you are but to have been married before and then (it sounds like) a quick turnaround to have a baby with an re-kindled ex--which he subsequently discovered was a bad idea--let's us know a lot about his patterns.  He's impulsive. He thinks he knows what he wants and then he changes his mind. What he's doing with you sounds like more of the same. You have to look at how people act in life--it will tell you a lot. There is a lot you can tell from their history even before you entered the picture.

To the bolded in your post above, this is just lip service. You have to take it with a grain of salt and think more highly (and intelligently) of yourself and how life works. Use common sense...ANYONE might have these good intentions but wouldn't know until they get to know someone. i still don't think he had good intentions fully but it's all conditional....meaning "if we get along" "if I'm in love with you" etc. This is much too naive of you and maybe why you find dating so frustrating. You are looking for some guarantee before it's possible to get one. 

Edited June 19, 2023 by Versacehottie

[Liliana09]

Like I said 1 month is tops , ideally...I think a few weeks is also good to chat to get a feeling for someone. And in that time I make sure they're not a catfish and I get to hear their voice and to see a video & updated photos of them 🤷‍♀️. This guy was  real , he even gave his full name.

 

But who knows if he's honest about other things, he keeps logging on another app ( non dating) and doesn't say anything...then he logs off without reading my messages. 

Oh another reason I couldn't meet him earlier was I actually got CO  virus 🤷‍♀️ , plus he was working funny hours. So when we eventually met , he'd left his previous job. And was looking for a new job.

Weirdly when he was " busy "  at work,I got more attention / communication from him . He said he had free time at work to just sit and text me . 

[Liliana09]

The whole mobile phone number thing ,I guess I was putting it off. As I wanted to get to know him more before we exchanged numbers...

As in the past I've regretted giving out my number too early on.  But I wish I asked for his number now. I wonder what he would have done ...if I was calling him and texting his number if I had it ?. Would I still be ignored or would he respond...as that is a more direct contact method 🤔🤷‍♀️. 

Edited June 19, 2023 by Liliana09

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Liliana09 said:

  Maybe I fell for his charm and lies in romantic long conversation. But the point is WE MET up several times ,

Sorry you feel this way. However you meet someone, living with an "ex", is a universal red flag to run from.

[Liliana09]

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry you feel this way. However you meet someone, living with an "ex", is a universal red flag to run from.

Like I said I know 🚩,but I gave him the benefit of the doubt as he led me to believe he was in the process of moving out ...when they sell up 🤷‍♀️. But I obviously should never have gotten involved. 

[stillafool]

17 hours ago, Liliana09 said:

. Maybe i should have  stop talking to him from then... and seen it as a red flag, but he kept telling me that  he knows his situation isn't for everyone  and that it both him and his ex have nothing romantic going on and that they're both like passing ships in the night. He made it sound more like they just work together as flatmates to run the home and to look after and raise their kid together , what was i to think ?.

And no of course i would never go to his house , he himself knew he could never invite women back . And he said his ex didn't either due to their child and that situation.  

This was one of the biggest red flags of all.  If he was just a roommate with his ex to raise their child together, both of them would be allowed to date other people and bring their partners around.  The fact that you couldn't come over should have been a major turn off for you.  Did you want a boyfriend whose home you weren't allowed in?  You never even suspected that he was still romantically involved with his ex and that they are living together as family?  Didn't you wonder why he never tried to have sex with you?

 

2 hours ago, Liliana09 said:

Maybe he wants me to stop contact with him,but he's probably too  weak to be honest?. Some people do this tactic don't they ? ...when they lose interest ,but instead of being honest they just push the person away by ghosting them . Which is pathetic really. 

Yes I believe you are correct.  The bolded section in your comment below pretty much confirms this:

 

23 hours ago, Liliana09 said:

I expect more communication ,and I also expect to spend longer with him when I meet him. And I expect to see him more often( when we meet there's  always a certain time he has to leave ,we don't spend long together) ,but it's like it's too much to ask for....and I've said to him that I don't want to be moaning.  He acts like he understands it from my point of view,he even said if I find it too much to deal with....that he's ok with me calling  things off between us ,he said it would be hurtful but he'd understand etc . 

 

He needs to leave at a certain time because he's in a relationship with his ex and she's expecting him home.  Did you ever think of that?  He wasn't even trying to get sex.

The bolded statement above was him trying to get you to end it with him.

[Liliana09]

15 minutes ago, stillafool said:

This was one of the biggest red flags of all.  If he was just a roommate with his ex to raise their child together, both of them would be allowed to date other people and bring their partners around.  The fact that you couldn't come over should have been a major turn off for you.  Did you want a boyfriend whose home you weren't allowed in?  You never even suspected that he was still romantically involved with his ex and that they are living together as family?  Didn't you wonder why he never tried to have sex with you?

 

Yes I believe you are correct.  The bolded section in your comment below pretty much confirms this:

 

He needs to leave at a certain time because he's in a relationship with his ex and she's expecting him home.  Did you ever think of that?  He wasn't even trying to get sex.

The bolded statement above was him trying to get you to end it with him.

No he  use to leave early as it was always a school day,and he had to get back early to pick him up from school 🤷‍♀️. It wasn't about getting home to his ex. Like I  said ...his excuses were usually to do with him doing school run or looking after his kid in general. Except now when his ex is"  sick " apparently. And his other excuse of visiting his dead friend's home and family 

 

For all I know they might still be in a relationship. But he said  his ex was dating other people ,and that neither of them would bring anyone home due to their kid . I wouldn't want to go back to his house anyway....it would be awkward with both his ex and child 🤷‍♀️. 

Edited June 19, 2023 by Liliana09

[stillafool]

34 minutes ago, Liliana09 said:

It wasn't about getting home to his ex.

Do you really think he would actually tell you he has to get home to his ex?  Of course he wouldn't.  Having to pick up, drop off, play with, take care of his son sounds so much better. 

 

36 minutes ago, Liliana09 said:

No he  use to leave early as it was always a school day,

So he never came over to see you on the weekends and never tried to spend the night?  You've got to get better at detecting red flags.

[Liliana09]

10 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Do you really think he would actually tell you he has to get home to his ex?  Of course he wouldn't.  Having to pick up, drop off, play with, take care of his son sounds so much better. 

 

So he never came over to see you on the weekends and never tried to spend the night?  You've got to get better at detecting red flags.

I'm not going into details ,but I wasn't in a situation where I would invite him over anyway. And like I said even if he's lying ....why would I want to go back to his house when he has a kid ?.

 

He said NIETHER him or his ex invited people back as they have their son to think of 🤷‍♀️. I would never have wanted to go back even if he had zero kids and his ex shares the house and it's weird 🙄. 

[Versacehottie]

1 hour ago, Liliana09 said:

The whole mobile phone number thing ,I guess I was putting it off. As I wanted to get to know him more before we exchanged numbers...

As in the past I've regretted giving out my number too early on.  But I wish I asked for his number now. I wonder what he would have done ...if I was calling him and texting his number if I had it ?. Would I still be ignored or would he respond...as that is a more direct contact method 🤔🤷‍♀️. 

I think some of the things you are doing to "give yourself protection", ie not giving out your number, waiting up to a month to meet someone, talking to only one person at a time, etc are giving you a FALSE sense of security/protection/guarantee. It's allowing you to invest more of yourself or get overly attached when you think you've put these "safeguards" in place that are only one aspect of a progression or of a safe choice or perhaps FALSE security anyway.

I would say you have to throw more caution to the wind and get real life experience rather than what you are doing. I think then you might have seen and given weight to the red flags. If he's not even reading your messages, I'd say he's definitely fading or moving on from a relationship with you. I don't think you should feel bad about it---whatever sense that you had that it would progress to bf-gf was a false sense of that based on half-truths/fantasy/faux-security measures etc.

If you don't want to be bothered in the future if you do give out your number and it's not working for you, just block the person. Depending on the situation you can give them an explanation (or not if one is not called for). If they aren't respecting the fact that you don't want to date them anymore and keep texting, just block them. This is much more logical than believing you are going to be or are bf/gf with someone and you don't have his phone number. Do you see the disconnect there? 

I'm sure it's not nice to be ignored or dismissed but you still seem with the bolded like you are trying to look for what you could or should have done to change the outcome; or being ignored is minor in comparison to perhaps you shouldn't be wanting to date this person? I think he's not worth dating. Sounds like he has a lot of problems and doesn't treat you well. You have to flip it from thinking "what could I do differently to get what I want (or was promised) from him?" to "do I even want a relationship or to move forward with a person treating me like this?" It's an easy answer: NO. If you want a good relationship. It should be a NO>