Assumptions drove me mad

[Urbanxile]

So, I'm not sure what I'm dealing with, but assumptions are the biggest factor here.

I'm 36, she's 34. We started dating in March.

Things started going downhill in April when she started to see patterns, patterns of which, is me liking IG posts, of a friend who is a girl.

My girlfriend at the time told me not to like anything anymore, which before her, I have been doing for years.

So infact, I stopped liking this womans posts, AND I stopped conversing with this person.

which by the way, this woman is who I work with, we are not even friends to a point we talk everyday, more like once or twice, every 2 weeks, and it's work related.

But however, I am still following this person, which again, my girlfriend at the time is convinced I like this woman.

i do not like this woman, she is not my type, she is very much the opposite of me, and I have fell hard for my girlfriend.

as time moved on, she is convinced that me and this woman are exchanging messages late at night, which are untrue.

my girlfriend is convinced that me and this woman delete our messages so she doesn't find out, which is very untrue, and I even shown screenshots, and everything!

this woman has a boyfriend, and my girlfriend was threatening THEIR relationship by saying untrue things to this womans boyfriend, and saying me and his girlfriend are having a thing, which is a lie!

i had since then, warned this woman, and her boyfriend of my girlfriends action.

My girlfriend is angry that I said anything.

my girl has stressed when I like a post, it means opportunities for that person to DM, and make moves.

i dont do that, I'm with my girlfriend, and I liked this womans post for years, and the pictures are of her on vacation with her Dad, boyfriend, mother, dogs, etc.

 

she said my actions, had created possibilities, and the assumptions she will NOT apologise for, because it was my actions that made her think that way.

am I in the wrong here??



and also, back in March, me AND my girl had encountered somebody who was trying to sell her Onlyfans content to me.

i declined.

i later in life, found out you can reverse image search.

i searched this woman, and it was indeed, a catfish/scammer.

I couldn't say anything to my girlfriend, because every argument, because my girlfriend always breaks up with me.

so I stayed quiet, and angry, and walked off.

i left my phone behind, my girlfriend looked at my phone, and saw I've searched this girl, she lost her mind.

She asked, I answered, but she's very focused i'm lying, and I wanted to look at her.

bear in mind, I'm conflicting myself to tell her, and risk a threat of being single because I searched a woman who was a catfish, or tell her, and she'll be mad regardless.

my girlfriend also has joked about seeing other men, and she joked about sleeping with a co worker, and messed up by remembering a sexual position that wasn't with me, I felt incredibly awkward, and she was certain it was with me.

I'm sure there's more to say, but for now, I'm at a loss, did I do the right thing to end it?

what type of behaviour is this?

is it narcissism??

i'm stuck.

 

She has since ended things, because she doesn't trust me as I liked posts, and searched a catfish, which she saw otherwise

Edited June 18, 2023 by Urbanxile
Extra Info

[Urbanxile]

N/A

Edited June 18, 2023 by Urbanxile
I didnt know I could edit a post

[Ageless Wisdom23]

Your eyes were not just for your girlfriend.  Bottom line.  Curiosity killed the scat cat.😪

[Urbanxile]

My girlfriend is my love.

no one got in the way.

no like changed that.

and when I stopped everything.

it wasn't good enough.

[glows]

I tend to think it’s not just one or two incidents but several that have led to this unhealthy pattern. She’s very insecure and you denying you’re in the wrong or acting defensively enables more of that insecurity in the relationship. 

There’s nothing wrong with adding coworkers on social media but you might quickly realize that just because there’s no rule against it and a large amount of people are doing it doesn’t mean it’s a great idea either. Many people choose not to mix work and personal. She shouldn’t have overreacted threatening to speak to your coworkers and you shouldn’t have jumped the gun and discussed your personal life with your colleagues either. This is too much and all of it a massive overreaction to something you didn’t think was an issue to begin with. 

Next time just end it with someone who threatens to jeopardize your job or relationships with your colleagues if you know what they say is unfounded and untrue. 

My thoughts are she just doesn’t trust you in general and it’s a positive thing this has ended. 

As for the catfish issue, not sure why you felt so curious to find out who this woman is. It begs the question whether you’re happy with your gf to be curious enough to bother searching. Is there some other reason why there was such a deep need to know? I think this part is confusing or would be confusing to even the most secure of partners. Nothing wrong with being curious or wondering but something else altogether to be so interested that you HAVE to find out. 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Urbanxile said:

I had since then, warned this woman, and her boyfriend of my girlfriends action.

Sorry this happened. She's seems a bit controlling and jealous and it's best to end it.

However next time try not to alienate  women by rallying up your friends against her and especially this female best friend.

The relationship seems too volatile dramatic. 

[Urbanxile]

Thank you Glows,

I do need to validate, I had not shared my relationship problems to my co worker.

the threat of my girlfriend telling her boyfriend that me and his girlfriend (co worjer) are doing things, was to warn them.

[basil67]

Thank god this is over!   Your ex sounds like a nightmare.

The first clue was her getting all dramatic over you liking your friends posts.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with what you were doing, and frankly, you should have refused to do so.   But if you ever again get to the point of having to warn a friend about a girlfriend's vindictive behaviour, it is a warning sign that you must end the relationship.   

Now that you're rid of her, I implore you to think about why you accepted with her behaviour for three whole months.  Try and work out what happened to your boundaries so that you'll never get caught up like this again

[glows]

1 hour ago, Urbanxile said:

Thank you Glows,

I do need to validate, I had not shared my relationship problems to my co worker.

the threat of my girlfriend telling her boyfriend that me and his girlfriend (co worjer) are doing things, was to warn them.

Yes however to someone who is very insecure like your ex this was never going to work. For whatever reason she doesn’t trust you.

You may have done nothing to give her reason and then everything about you might have seemed unusual and sus. She’s entitled to end the rl and move on. “Warning” your coworkers would likely have caused questions. I’d find it hard to believe no one asked questions or thought “Huh?” Either way they were involved in this personal issue outside of work. Hopefully this doesn’t affect your job or work relationships. 

Either way she doesn’t want a relationship with you and ended it. Focus on moving on. It’s not about her anymore. This now is about you moving forward and not letting this relationship keep you stuck. 

[Alpacalia]

No, you are not in the wrong here.

It's clear that your girlfriend has deep-seated trust issues and unreasonable expectations.

She jumped to conclusions about your interactions with your coworker without proof, threatened your coworker's relationship seemingly out of jealousy and insecurity, and made a tasteless joke about you cheating which she then denied when challenged, even though it was clear it was not a joke.

She lacks the emotional capability of recognizing and owning up to her own behavior, making it impossible for her to sustain a relationship with you.

Although it is not wrong to bring up concerns in a relationship, it should be done in a respectful way. It is not appropriate to make assumptions without proof, threaten other people, or joke about cheating.

[JTSW]

I'm honestly baffled why you loved her.

She is highly toxic and so hateful.

You were not in the wrong at all.

Threatening to ruin someone else's relationship over nothing is seriously messed up.

She is the worst of the worst.

Be thankful it's over.

[Wiseman2]

15 hours ago, Urbanxile said:

 We started dating in March. Things started going downhill in April when she started to see patterns, patterns of which, is me liking IG posts, of a friend who is a girl.

This in itself is a red flag. It doesn't matter what you believe is wrong with her at this point. 

Next time try to employ better boundaries regarding privacy, devices and social media. No one should be going through phones or demanding social media control. Try to recognize red flags early on.

 

[Urbanxile]

Thank you Alpacalia,

I will clear up, but my girlfriend has made tasteless jokes about herself, seeing other men, having sex with co workers, and actually made me awkward by reminiscing something sexual that wasn't with me.

which she has blamed on "a dream that felt real"

I didn't react, I felt very very awkward.

i don't think I done anything wrong with liking a post of a co worker, here and there, as all she is, is a co-worker.

my girlfriend sees other things, and the assumptions she has made, I have snapped at her, I have called her names, and she got upset, but I had put it down to anger and frustration over such accusations, and I do feel bad for it.

her assumptions made me react, and now, I just feel numb to it, as it's all I expect.

thank you to everyone who has replied, I honestly thought I could change how she thinks, and sees me, I'm a great guy, and I wouldn't do anything to hurt anybody.

Edited June 19, 2023 by Urbanxile
Extra info

[ExpatInItaly]

15 hours ago, Urbanxile said:

My girlfriend is my love.

What do you love about a toxic relationhship? 

She showed you serious red flags a month after you started dating. It continued to get worse. You need to re-think your definition of love, OP. Because this chaos described in your posts is not love. 

[Urbanxile]

You're absolutely right.

I needed a huge wake up call, and this was the type of feedback I need.

thank you.

[Alpacalia]

4 hours ago, Urbanxile said:

Thank you Alpacalia,

I will clear up, but my girlfriend has made tasteless jokes about herself, seeing other men, having sex with co workers, and actually made me awkward by reminiscing something sexual that wasn't with me.

which she has blamed on "a dream that felt real"

I didn't react, I felt very very awkward.

i don't think I done anything wrong with liking a post of a co worker, here and there, as all she is, is a co-worker.

my girlfriend sees other things, and the assumptions she has made, I have snapped at her, I have called her names, and she got upset, but I had put it down to anger and frustration over such accusations, and I do feel bad for it.

her assumptions made me react, and now, I just feel numb to it, as it's all I expect.

thank you to everyone who has replied, I honestly thought I could change how she thinks, and sees me, I'm a great guy, and I wouldn't do anything to hurt anybody.

I'm agreeing with you. 👍

[smackie9]

Having to continually defend yourself is abuse. Your (ex)GF is bat $%^& cray cray. Good on you for dumping this hot mess.