swimjim Posted June 19, 2023 Share Posted June 19, 2023 I am struggling with my romantic partner continuing a friendship with an ex friend of mine. He fell in love with her after I introduced her to him. He started a smear campaign against me in an attempt to push me out of the way and into her arms. Needless to say, he and I are no longer friends. However, she continues to be friends with him and I have caught her in lies i.e, leaving her phone on while I hear them talking during a walk on the bike trail, and also leaving her phone on while she tells her girlfriend that she is going to have dinner with him. She insists that there is no romantic interest in him. She knows that I do not like it. Our relationship has been affected by this and I no longer trust her. I do not know how else I can convey to her that our relationship will continue on a downward spiral if she continues to befriend him. Please give me some help. Link to post Share on other sites
Author swimjim Posted June 19, 2023 Author Share Posted June 19, 2023 Should I place my post in the General discussion to get a better chance of responses? Link to post Share on other sites
Mrin Posted June 19, 2023 Share Posted June 19, 2023 "Hi there. I am ending this relationship. I have repeatedly voiced my discomfort with you remaining friends with X. You have ignored my discomfort, have continued your friendship with him and even lied about it to me. You have demonstrated where your priorities are and how you view me. I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who treats me like this. I wish you all the best. Goodbye." 4 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrin Posted June 19, 2023 Share Posted June 19, 2023 More: Life is too short to be in relationships with someone who doesn't respect you. You can't make someone respect you. In fact, they won't respect you unless you respect yourself. Start respecting yourself by exiting people like this from your life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted June 19, 2023 Share Posted June 19, 2023 1 hour ago, swimjim said: , she continues to be friends with him and I have caught her in lies i.e, leaving her phone on while I hear them talking during a walk on the bike trail, and also leaving her phone on while she tells her girlfriend that she is going to have dinner with him. If she is still dating him under the guise of "just friends", it may be time to reconsider the relationship. Is this the same woman? Link to post Share on other sites
Author swimjim Posted June 19, 2023 Author Share Posted June 19, 2023 23 minutes ago, Mrin said: More: Life is too short to be in relationships with someone who doesn't respect you. You can't make someone respect you. In fact, they won't respect you unless you respect yourself. Start respecting yourself by exiting people like this from your life. Thank you for responding. I appreciate your help. I realize that I must respond in the manner that you proposed. that final "nail in the coffin" part in firmly stating that I am ending the relationship will stun her maybe. I have tried this response before without ending it actually and then she would hoover me back only to go back to her old ways of continuing to disrespect me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author swimjim Posted June 19, 2023 Author Share Posted June 19, 2023 8 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: If she is still dating him under the guise of "just friends", it may be time to reconsider the relationship. Is this the same woman? Yes unfortunately it is. She has been successful in hoovering me back. Apparently she has still been attracted to me because she loves the sex. I think she actually believes it is okay to be friends with him if in fact it is all innocent. But she is indirectly sending me the message that just because I am no longer friends with him does not mean she shouldn't be friends with him. She forgets that he is in love with her. She forgets that he has tried to convince her that I am not good for her. I feel betrayed by both of them. Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted June 19, 2023 Share Posted June 19, 2023 I don’t think there’s much to do at this point except walk away as you both disagree on a contentious and sensitive subject. You don’t trust her so why are you with her? We can still have that emotional attachment to someone we don’t trust but it doesn’t mean keep getting suckered into that feeling being helpless or continuing the same pattern. If you’re going to end it then block and delete all contact with her. Don’t do it as a lesson or out of vengeance or spite. End it because it is really over. There’s not enough trust and respect here. Link to post Share on other sites
Acacia98 Posted June 19, 2023 Share Posted June 19, 2023 (edited) 2 hours ago, swimjim said: However, she continues to be friends with him and I have caught her in lies i.e, leaving her phone on while I hear them talking during a walk on the bike trail, and also leaving her phone on while she tells her girlfriend that she is going to have dinner with him. Isn't it a bit convenient that she just happened to leave her phone on so that you could hear her talking about him or spending time with him on these two occasions? I believe she wants you to know she's spending time with him. I think she gets a kick out of making you insecure and cooking up dramatic situations where you and the other guy fight for her. 44 minutes ago, swimjim said: I realize that I must respond in the manner that you proposed. that final "nail in the coffin" part in firmly stating that I am ending the relationship will stun her maybe. I think she will be stunned if indeed you finally walk away because she believes she has you exactly where she wants you. I don't think she loves you, though. It sounds more like she views you as an object that she possesses. She's toying with you right now, but one day she'll ultimately discard you. You're best off removing yourself before that happens. 37 minutes ago, swimjim said: I think she actually believes it is okay to be friends with him if in fact it is all innocent. But she is indirectly sending me the message that just because I am no longer friends with him does not mean she shouldn't be friends with him. She forgets that he is in love with her. She forgets that he has tried to convince her that I am not good for her. I feel betrayed by both of them. Regardless of what she says, there's nothing innocent about what she's doing. Whether or not they are physically involved, she knows the implications of pursuing a close friendship with him. Rest assured, she has not forgotten that he is in love with her. She hasn't forgotten that he has tried to paint you in a bad light either. In fact these things about him are what attract her to him. You feel betrayed by them both because they have both betrayed you. Edited June 19, 2023 by Acacia98 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted June 19, 2023 Share Posted June 19, 2023 1 hour ago, swimjim said: she has still been attracted to me because she loves the sex Unfortunately because the sex is good, you're going to keep seeing each other despite what you feel are red flags. It's unfortunate your friend turned out to be a snake and even more unfortunate that your GF wants to keep him in her life. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted June 19, 2023 Share Posted June 19, 2023 2 hours ago, swimjim said: Should I place my post in the General discussion to get a better chance of responses? This forum is staffed mostly by volunteer contributors. You posted this after only 4 hours. Please respect that most if not all of us have lives outside of LS. Given that fact, a matter of days, not hours, on a response is reasonable. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted June 19, 2023 Share Posted June 19, 2023 She sees no value in your relationship if she ignores your pleas. Walk away. Link to post Share on other sites
mtnbiker3000 Posted June 19, 2023 Share Posted June 19, 2023 15 minutes ago, smackie9 said: She sees no value in your relationship if she ignores your pleas. Walk away. And, eventually she will grow tired of you (since she doesn't respect you) and leave you, creating more pain and confusion you don't need. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MsJayne Posted June 19, 2023 Share Posted June 19, 2023 A few months ago the same thing happened in my relationship. I got along very well with a friend of my partner and it started to make my partner uncomfortable. They had a falling out because the friend has started doing this thing where he subtly put my partner down in front of me, trying to belittle him. I didn't need to be told that continuing a friendship with the friend would be inappropriate because loyalty's a vital part of any relationship and my partner had a valid reason to distrust him. Your GF couldn't care less about your feelings and doesn't know what loyalty and respect are. You're way too good for her, why not go find a woman with the same values as you? Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted June 20, 2023 Share Posted June 20, 2023 10 hours ago, swimjim said: She forgets that he is in love with her. She forgets that he has tried to convince her that I am not good for her Nope, she didn't forget this. She's very aware of it, and her ego loves it. Why are you still dating her? Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted June 20, 2023 Share Posted June 20, 2023 11 hours ago, swimjim said: But she is indirectly clearly sending me the message that just because I am no longer friends with him does not mean she shouldn't be friends with him. She forgets doesn't care that he is in love with her. She forgets doesn't care that he has tried to convince her that I am not good for her. Fixed it for you. I think one of the problems is that you're being too kind. You're presenting her as being a bit naïve, but the truth is that she will take whatever she wants no matter what you think. Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted June 20, 2023 Share Posted June 20, 2023 @swimjim she is dating both of you and she's loving it. She knows how this guy feels about her and what he did to you but continues to disrespect you. She is making a fool of you and doesn't care. She's enjoying the attention. End it. Don't stay just because of good sex. Link to post Share on other sites
Author swimjim Posted June 20, 2023 Author Share Posted June 20, 2023 21 hours ago, Mrin said: "Hi there. I am ending this relationship. I have repeatedly voiced my discomfort with you remaining friends with X. You have ignored my discomfort, have continued your friendship with him and even lied about it to me. You have demonstrated where your priorities are and how you view me. I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who treats me like this. I wish you all the best. Goodbye." I paraphrased your statement above in my last email to her yesterday and blocked her. Her friend saw me at the gym this morning and stated that she is furious, deeply hurt, and claims that I have blown everything out of context. Now she is crying. Mixed messages. Now she is the victim? I just walked away. Very confusing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted June 20, 2023 Share Posted June 20, 2023 She expected you to tolerate this and not end things, like you did last time. I guess life is full of surprises... Link to post Share on other sites
Mrin Posted June 20, 2023 Share Posted June 20, 2023 7 hours ago, swimjim said: I paraphrased your statement above in my last email to her yesterday and blocked her. Her friend saw me at the gym this morning and stated that she is furious, deeply hurt, and claims that I have blown everything out of context. Now she is crying. Mixed messages. Now she is the victim? I just walked away. Very confusing. Good for you man. It is hard. I know. But you made the right choice. And hopefully she will look back on this in a couple of years and learn something. Sending you a big man hug. Mrin Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted June 21, 2023 Share Posted June 21, 2023 10 hours ago, swimjim said: I paraphrased your statement above in my last email to her yesterday and blocked her. You absolutely did the right thing. 10 hours ago, swimjim said: she is furious, deeply hurt, and claims that I have blown everything out of context. Now she is crying. WHO CARES? This is called the consequences of her actions. Boo hoo. Walk away. Don't allow her to suck you back in to her toxicity. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted June 21, 2023 Share Posted June 21, 2023 17 hours ago, swimjim said: Her friend saw me at the gym this morning and stated that she is furious, deeply hurt Well now she has some idea of how she made you feel. She's furious because she no longer has 2 guys vying for her attention. She lost. It's her own fault. Link to post Share on other sites
Ageless Wisdom23 Posted June 21, 2023 Share Posted June 21, 2023 She is disrespecting you. I would not be able to trust her neither. Rethink your own romance 😒with her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted June 21, 2023 Share Posted June 21, 2023 22 hours ago, swimjim said: I paraphrased your statement above in my last email to her yesterday and blocked her. Her friend saw me at the gym this morning and stated that she is furious, deeply hurt, and claims that I have blown everything out of context. Now she is crying. Mixed messages. Now she is the victim? I just walked away. Very confusing. Why haven’t you blocked these people? You had mentioned breaking up with her earlier to “stun” her and there were concerns about her “hoovering” back. Don’t go back and forth and engage in on/off relationships or hope she’ll change. This is finished so block and delete her contact and any of her people. Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted June 21, 2023 Share Posted June 21, 2023 I initially read this as her friend texting or reaching out to you which is incorrect - please disregard the above. Disengage from any conversations and excuse yourself at the gym. It’s really none of her friends or peoples’ business to discuss these personal issues with you and grossly out of line to state her opinion of the break up. Good that you walked away. If you feel harassed consider finding another gym. It’s not very confusing that a person’s friends don’t differ much. If she is as deceiving and manipulative as she is it’s not much of a surprise the friends are similar. Ever heard of birds of a feather? You also don’t know what stories she might have spun or might have given a different impression to her friends. Do not even bother worrying what these people think of you. Link to post Share on other sites
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