I'm (34/f) pregnant but I'm not sure if he's (40/m) excited or even wants the baby. He hasn't acknowledged the pregnancy publicly.

[due_nail_5550]

I'm 33 and from South America here in the states on a student visa. The father of my child is a US Citizen who is an actor, or trying to be should I say, and he is turning 40 next month. My student visa is set to expire the end of this year. A little more background about me, I have an 8 year old daughter who has been staying with my parents while I get my degree (offered a scholarship) and I go back home to visit her as often as I can as she is my world.

Now about us, we met in the middle of December and we immediate clicked. We spent every day together and I fell in love with him quickly. My parents and my daughter came out to visit during the holidays for about 2 months. During that time he met my daughter and they spent quite a bit of time together getting to know each other. We recently got matching tattoos of a saying in my native language; we have a special bond.

I found out I was 6 weeks pregnant last month/in May and I was over the moon. I posted on my instagram story cupping my belly with the caption "6 weeks". A week later I posted an older picture of the two of us truly announcing the pregnancy with the caption about our "little blessing". He commented with a heart emoji, nothing else. I've posted twice about our pregnancy and he said anything publicly about it. Not even anything for mothers or fathers day. He's posted other things since we found out we were pregnant. He as an avid social media user too and he even posts his poems about his dad's death (he passed away when he was 10) and other very emotional things, so he has no problem being vulnerable with the public. Also, theres barely any mention of me on his social media. I have plenty of pictures and videos of the two of us together but he only has one thing of me/us from two months ago and its just a video of me walking. As an aside - I have small clothing ethical clothing line and have that as a small side business. In his bio he has the "the biggest fan of *insert my clothing line name*, so that's something I guess?

 

I don't know. What are your thoughts?

[basil67]

Congratulations!

If it helps reassure you, how someone reacts on social media is probably the least important clue so I couldn't begin to guess based on that alone.  What does matter is what's going on behind closed doors. 

Kindly, why don't you know if he wants the baby?  Surely you've had discussions about this with him.  Was he excited when you told him?   What, if any, are his concerns?

Further, is he making future plans for you and the baby?  Are you planning on going back to your home country after you get your degree.... or are you planning to get a visa so that you and your daughter can stay in the US with him? Is your partner financially secure?  Would he have preferred to stick to the 'three month rule' before announcing it?   

 

Edited June 20, 2023 by basil67

[ShyViolet]

If your gut is telling you something is off, it probably is.  You have known this guy literally 6 months.  That's not long enough to truly know a person. 

However, I will say that ALL you talk about in this post is what he or you have posted on social media.  Social media is not real life.  How is the relationship in real life?  How does he act and does he make you feel like he is truly committed to you?

[Ami1uwant]

1 hour ago, due_nail_5550 said:

I'm 33 and from South America here in the states on a student visa. The father of my child is a US Citizen who is an actor, or trying to be should I say, and he is turning 40 next month. My student visa is set to expire the end of this year. A little more background about me, I have an 8 year old daughter who has been staying with my parents while I get my degree (offered a scholarship) and I go back home to visit her as often as I can as she is my world.

Now about us, we met in the middle of December and we immediate clicked. We spent every day together and I fell in love with him quickly. My parents and my daughter came out to visit during the holidays for about 2 months. During that time he met my daughter and they spent quite a bit of time together getting to know each other. We recently got matching tattoos of a saying in my native language; we have a special bond.

I found out I was 6 weeks pregnant last month/in May and I was over the moon. I posted on my instagram story cupping my belly with the caption "6 weeks". A week later I posted an older picture of the two of us truly announcing the pregnancy with the caption about our "little blessing". He commented with a heart emoji, nothing else. I've posted twice about our pregnancy and he said anything publicly about it. Not even anything for mothers or fathers day. He's posted other things since we found out we were pregnant. He as an avid social media user too and he even posts his poems about his dad's death (he passed away when he was 10) and other very emotional things, so he has no problem being vulnerable with the public. Also, theres barely any mention of me on his social media. I have plenty of pictures and videos of the two of us together but he only has one thing of me/us from two months ago and its just a video of me walking. As an aside - I have small clothing ethical clothing line and have that as a small side business. In his bio he has the "the biggest fan of *insert my clothing line name*, so that's something I guess?

 

I don't know. What are your thoughts?

I would not want to notify people till have 3+ months because of the risks in miscarriage.  I’ve known quite a few who have miscarried around 8-12 weeks in.

 

of coutprse he might be in shock because of nee baby and kid responsibilities.

[Alvi]

Have you talked to him face to face regarding the pregnancy? What is he saying, if he is saying anything. To be fair, the two of you hardly know each other. It's possible that he was all in for fun and games but didn't expect for you to get pregnant. Was he even exclusive with you given that he is an actor? Matching tattoos don't mean that much to be honest. He may or may not come around one day, who knows.
Seriously, you should have a talk with him and possibly contact a lawyer to arrange a child support from him once the baby is born and such. 

[ExpatInItaly]

You're focusing too much on social media, to begin with. What was his reaction when you told him you are pregnant?

Also, this relationship seems to have moved very fast. What's done is done now, but I get the impression he might be overwhelmed by how this gone from dating and getting to know each other to parenthood. 

What is the plan when your visa expires? 

[introverted1]

Was this a planned pregnancy, OP? 

What was his reaction when you first told him of the pregnancy?  His likes (or lack thereof) on sm are meaningless. What has he actually said about your current situation? 

It would appear that you will be returning to South America once you've obtained your degree, since that's where your other child is.  Is it your hope that he will move there with you?  Or are you hoping he will marry you so you can stay in the US and bring your older child here?

It strikes me that you have a lot to talk about with this man.

[JTSW]

You need to ask him face to face what his true feelings are about the baby.

You can't go by social media posts.

Maybe he would rather wait until you were in the safe pregnancy zone before announcing it.

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, due_nail_5550 said:

 here in the states on a student visa. The father of my child is a US Citizen. My student visa is set to expire the end of this year. 

That's ok as long as you're happy. Do you plan to have a continued relationship such as live together or are you ok with coparenting? Are you planning on staying in the states or joining your family and other children back home?

[stillafool]

Is your relationship with him exclusive?  Did he want children and was this pregnancy planned?  If not, he may not b3 happy about the pregnancy.  Were you guys using birth control ?

[Ageless Wisdom23]

It appears he is either in denial or doesn't want the world to know.  Red Flags.  Talk to him.  It doesn't seem he is happy over this baby.  Or is not ready to explain it to everyone under the sun.  By sending Emoji , He is not admitting he is even the father.😦

Edited June 20, 2023 by Ageless Wisdom23

[due_nail_5550]

2 hours ago, stillafool said:

Is your relationship with him exclusive?  Did he want children and was this pregnancy planned?  If not, he may not b3 happy about the pregnancy.  Were you guys using birth control ?

I know he wanted kids at some point but this was definitely not planned, since had only known each other 4 months by the time I got pregnant. I do also know his dream is to be an actor so this throws a wrench into his plan. I also know that he was living in his car a little over a year ago but he no longer has a car and was staying with his parents (he wasn't getting many gigs).

[smackie9]

19 minutes ago, due_nail_5550 said:

. I also know that he was living in his car a little over a year ago but he no longer has a car and was staying with his parents (he wasn't getting many gigs).

He's 40 years old and this is as far as he's gotten in life. Big red flag. Take the blinders off, this guy sounds immature/not able to handle much responsibility. I doubt he's going to be supportive and you must be getting that vibe from him too. Time to have a firm reality chat with him, and find out what your future is going to look like. Then take it from there. 

[due_nail_5550]

Just now, smackie9 said:

He's 40 years old and this is as far as he's gotten in life. Big red flag. Take the blinders off, this guy sounds immature/not able to handle much responsibility. I doubt he's going to be supportive and you must be getting that vibe from him too. Time to have a firm reality chat with him, and find out what your future is going to look like. Then take it from there. 

Why don't you think you he'll be supportive? Because he doesn't have money? (seriously asking btw). You can still be supportive in other ways; he's still here now.

[smackie9]

2 hours ago, due_nail_5550 said:

Why don't you think you he'll be supportive? Because he doesn't have money? (seriously asking btw). You can still be supportive in other ways; he's still here now.

His behavior speaks volumes. Lacks of money for a reason. He's unsuccessful in life. If he can barely support himself, how in the world can he support another human being? Have his parents pick up his slack? 

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, due_nail_5550 said:

Why don't you think you he'll be supportive? Because he doesn't have money? (seriously asking btw)

Because it's not just a lack of money that is the issue. It would also be his general mindset and maturity. What else is he doing for work to supplement his income between acting gigs? Or is he not working regularly at all? 

 

[stillafool]

3 hours ago, due_nail_5550 said:

Why don't you think you he'll be supportive? Because he doesn't have money? (seriously asking btw). You can still be supportive in other ways; he's still here now.

Well frankly, yes; especially in this case where a child is on it's way and the father isn't prepared.  Very few actors go on to have successful careers and this one is already 40. Most always have a job while in between acting gigs.  Is he planning on picking up a job since there's a baby on the way?

[due_nail_5550]

3 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Well frankly, yes; especially in this case where a child is on it's way and the father isn't prepared.  Very few actors go on to have successful careers and this one is already 40. Most always have a job while in between acting gigs.  Is he planning on picking up a job since there's a baby on the way?

He does - he does some copy work in between but  it's not always steady work. He's looking for full time work now.

[due_nail_5550]

1 hour ago, smackie9 said:

His behavior speaks volumes. Lacks of money for a reason. He's unsuccessful in life. If he can barely support himself, how in the world can he support another human being? Have his parents pick up his slack? 

No, his parents don't help them. He was living in his car for a couple of years and then worked some odd jobs here and there and rented rooms from friend's for a few months here and there, so he always finds a way to support himself.

[Els]

4 hours ago, due_nail_5550 said:

Why don't you think you he'll be supportive? Because he doesn't have money? (seriously asking btw). You can still be supportive in other ways; he's still here now.

Is this a serious question? How do you expect that a student who can't legally work in the country yet, and an out-of-work "actor" who lives with his parents, will support a child?

[due_nail_5550]

13 minutes ago, Els said:

Is this a serious question? How do you expect that a student who can't legally work in the country yet, and an out-of-work "actor" who lives with his parents, will support a child?

He does some copy work here there when the opportunity presents itself and he’s looking for steady work now. Or if he moves to my home country my family owns a grocery store so he could work there and the cost of living is significantly cheaper there. 

[due_nail_5550]

8 hours ago, introverted1 said:

Was this a planned pregnancy, OP? 

What was his reaction when you first told him of the pregnancy?  His likes (or lack thereof) on sm are meaningless. What has he actually said about your current situation? 

It would appear that you will be returning to South America once you've obtained your degree, since that's where your other child is.  Is it your hope that he will move there with you?  Or are you hoping he will marry you so you can stay in the US and bring your older child here?

It strikes me that you have a lot to talk about with this man.

No this was not planned. I’m expecting for us to hopefully get married to be a family. Also, I know I shouldn't worry about social media but my concern is that he talks about his past traumas online and up until the last few weeks he had this one picture of his ex up (broke up years ago) where he talked about how he’d always love her and thanked her for being such a good friend even though they’re no longer together, so he has no problem being vulnerable and being public about things, so that begs me to question why he hasn’t done the same with our baby.

[NuevoYorko]

1 hour ago, due_nail_5550 said:

No this was not planned. I’m expecting for us to hopefully get married to be a family. Also, I know I shouldn't worry about social media but my concern is that he talks about his past traumas online and up until the last few weeks he had this one picture of his ex up (broke up years ago) where he talked about how he’d always love her and thanked her for being such a good friend even though they’re no longer together, so he has no problem being vulnerable and being public about things, so that begs me to question why he hasn’t done the same with our baby.

 

19 hours ago, due_nail_5550 said:

I posted on my instagram story cupping my belly with the caption "6 weeks". A week later I posted an older picture of the two of us truly announcing the pregnancy with the caption about our "little blessing". He commented with a heart emoji, nothing else. I've posted twice about our pregnancy and he said anything publicly about it. Not even anything for mothers or fathers day. He's posted other things since we found out we were pregnant. He as an avid social media user too and he even posts his poems about his dad's death (he passed away when he was 10) and other very emotional things, so he has no problem being vulnerable with the public. Also, theres barely any mention of me on his social media. I have plenty of pictures and videos of the two of us together but he only has one thing of me/us from two months ago and its just a video of me walking. As an aside - I have small clothing ethical clothing line and have that as a small side business. In his bio he has the "the biggest fan of *insert my clothing line name*, so that's something I guess?

 

I don't know. What are your thoughts?

Well, you seem pretty wrapped up in what he puts on social media, but you have said very little about his actual reaction to the pregnancy in real life.

You also talk about an "older"  picture of the two of you that YOU posted on social media, "truly announcing" the pregnancy.  It sounds like only you "truly announced" it, though you found an old picture of you together to post with it.   

Usually a birth announcement is done by a couple, assuming that both parties are on board.

How does he feel about the pregnancy?   Has he talked about how he envisions your family life together?

The important things are how you and he, together, are talking and PLANNING around this event.   Not what either of you put on social media.

[introverted1]

1 hour ago, due_nail_5550 said:

No this was not planned. I’m expecting for us to hopefully get married to be a family.

Did you get pregnant on purpose to coerce him into marriage?

I am struggling to understand how two grown people, ages 34 and 40, are not savvy enough to protect against unplanned pregnancy, as well as why you would even entertain the notion of marrying someone you've only known for a handful of months.

[due_nail_5550]

1 hour ago, introverted1 said:

Did you get pregnant on purpose to coerce him into marriage?

I am struggling to understand how two grown people, ages 34 and 40, are not savvy enough to protect against unplanned pregnancy, as well as why you would even entertain the notion of marrying someone you've only known for a handful of months.

I absolutely did not get pregnant on purpose. It takes two and he and I both slept together unprotected. I'm only entertaining the idea of marriage because he cant stay in my country without marriage and vice versa. Yes, we could apply for a long-term partner/M-Visa in my country but that takes years to get. From my understanding in the US it would take years for me to stay longer without marriage. How else is he supposed to be around for the baby long term if we don't get married?