He broke up with me over mental health and capability issues

[BrokenheartedJ]

My long distance boyfriend of almost a year broke up with me on Saturday and I’m devastated. I can’t eat or function normally. He said he needed to focus on his mental health because he couldn’t love me if he didn’t love himself. He’s always had bad anxiety, but his mental health has been declining over the past few months and is now bad depression. I would softly suggest things, but mostly have him space to figure it out on his own. I’m trying to wrap my head around why I couldn’t help him get through this. Why couldn’t we face it together? He has a job where he’ll be working 80 hour weeks, so I suspect that he might not be capable to put in the time and work.

He also said that we aren’t compatible, which was totally left field for me. We’ve had issues in the past, but I always thought that we worked through them. And for the recurrent issues I thought we were learning to be what each other needed as no couple is 100% compatible and it takes work. But I guess he feels differently. He wouldn’t tell me what they were specifically after being asked multiple times. He said they are core to who I am and I shouldn’t change. But not knowing is driving me crazy. I offered to go to couples therapy or to work through our issues but he was stern in his decision.

I feel so blindsided. I feel so hurt and betrayed. We talked about getting married and that we would be together no matter what. I thought that we would work through anything and instead he broke my heart worst than anyone ever has. I feel so empty. I’m blinded by emotion right now and I can’t see past that. I would love some real logical advice or comments 

Edited June 20, 2023 by BrokenheartedJ

[basil67]

I'm sorry it didn't work out.   First things first, the reason that you couldn't help him get through his mental health issues is that you're not a mental health professional.  And it's very possible that parts of the relationship were complicating his moods.  

You're writing a lot about issues in the relationship - what kinds of things did the two of you have to work through?  Could it be that he got tired of trying to make it work?   You also mention distance...just how often did you get to see each other in real time?  If he's someone who values quality time and physical touch, distance would be really tough for him.    I'm sorry that I have more questions than answers, but it's very likely that the answers are hiding in plain sight.

Also, when people talk about spending together forever in such a new relationship, it must be taken as a hope or dream rather than a promise.  I know it's all new and exciting, but even if your heart is floating, you must keep your feet on the ground and give yourself a reality check every now and then.  

[ExpatInItaly]

Sorry you're here, OP. 

How often did you see each other in person, and what sort of problems did you have in the relationship? 

[glows]

I too would like to hear about the issues. He cited incompatibility. I have a strong feeling you know already why he feels you both are not a match. 

You may feel panicked and devastated as you say. Give yourself at least a couple of weeks to ride out these initial withdrawal/break up feelings. Think about what those problems were or issues that caused discomfort.

Also, do you mind me asking what was the plan in eventually joining your lives? Was there any discussion about ending the LDR aspect?

Edited June 20, 2023 by glows

[JTSW]

How often did you see each other in person during this year long relationship?

How long of a distance is there between you? 

I have always maintained that long distance relationships are pointless if you can't physically be together.

Sure it works for some if they both put the effort into regular visits but for others it can be really hard.

He obviously has been finding it difficult.

I'm not sure how he has betrayed you. He's just being honest with you.

He has mental health issues that he needs to deal with himself, you can't help him with that.

You need to respect his decision and not make him feel bad.

[BrokenheartedJ]

@JTSW sorry I’m still learning how this works and didn’t see the reply. We saw eachother once a month, but since I’m in DC and he’s in New York I was going to make it every other weekend. We’re both doing internships and he’s doing investment banking. His hours are crazy, so I was working around his schedule. And I am not contacting him nor trying to make him feel bad. Thank you for the objective response

[BrokenheartedJ]

@glows we’re both in grad school and I see him once a month, but the plan was to see him more since I’m closer. We’ve gone on trips together and have spent extended time together. I planned on staying with him a few months after school ends and going back to DC for a year. After that year I was going to move with him. He said the distance wasn’t the problem, but he could’ve just been saying that. As far as comparability issues I think we have different outlooks on life (I work to live and he lives to work) but to me that’s balance. I don’t know, what do you think? Is that a deal breaker? And I just learned he has an anxious attachment style and I don’t think I gave him the security that someone likes him needs. But I didn’t realize that’s what he needed. I told him I would be willing to go to therapy or do any means to make it work because I love him. I think he’s worth all the validation he wants. He always questioned my love and would ask me why I loved him. I realize it was insecurity because he wasn’t happy with himself. He told me when we broke up that he couldn’t love me because he doesn’t love himself. I thought that we could work through our issues together, but is this something that you have to work through alone? Sorry if this is all over the place. Emotions are still high

[BrokenheartedJ]

@ExpatInItaly thank you for your kind words. I talked more about it in the two comments above. Let me know if you have any questions 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, BrokenheartedJ said:

And I just learned he has an anxious attachment style and I don’t think I gave him the security that someone likes him needs. But I didn’t realize that’s what he needed.

You are being too hard on yourself. 

If he's bringing this much emotional baggage into a relationship, it's not you (or you as a couple) that needs therapy - it's him. As an individual. He does not sound capable of having a relationship at this time, and you can't love someone into it. If he is not feeling it, he is right to let you go. 

Or, there could be other factors at play that you don't know about. Maybe he's not being totally honest about what led to this, and sometimes it's best that we leave it be. 

[glows]

1 hour ago, BrokenheartedJ said:

@glows we’re both in grad school and I see him once a month, but the plan was to see him more since I’m closer. We’ve gone on trips together and have spent extended time together. I planned on staying with him a few months after school ends and going back to DC for a year. After that year I was going to move with him. He said the distance wasn’t the problem, but he could’ve just been saying that. As far as comparability issues I think we have different outlooks on life (I work to live and he lives to work) but to me that’s balance. I don’t know, what do you think? Is that a deal breaker? And I just learned he has an anxious attachment style and I don’t think I gave him the security that someone likes him needs. But I didn’t realize that’s what he needed. I told him I would be willing to go to therapy or do any means to make it work because I love him. I think he’s worth all the validation he wants. He always questioned my love and would ask me why I loved him. I realize it was insecurity because he wasn’t happy with himself. He told me when we broke up that he couldn’t love me because he doesn’t love himself. I thought that we could work through our issues together, but is this something that you have to work through alone? Sorry if this is all over the place. Emotions are still high

Bluntly, he does seem insecure and anxious. What do your goals entail in regards to “living”? Ie live to work vs work to live. Perhaps you both have different views of the future?

I hated working the same way I hated school. Couldn’t stand either of them but did it all anyway to support myself and live a comfortable life. If I could do it all again and never have to work a day in my life or ever do school I’d rather do that. I digress.

It’s okay to be in pain and feel sad. I was married to a very insecure and anxious person but I think our outlooks were too different, affecting him badly. I didn’t care for so many things that he thought were important. My views on what a fantastic life is was very different from his. I think it’s best to respect those differences and cut each other loose when the incompatibility is too vast.

Edited June 21, 2023 by glows