Risk it or wait?

[MrGM]

Hey all,

 

Ive been dating a girl for just over a year now having seperated from my ex wife 6 months prior.

We both have kids and live about 20 miles from each other. We dont see that much of each other due to work and kid commitments, but we do see each other a few nights per week.

Every few months she has issues with us and its normally how the distance makes her feel like im not interested, but I am. I do love her but she will complain that i dont care for her. I dont do anything different to what i normally would do during our time together. She blames it on the distance and is unhappy with a lack of time spent together. I understand and I do struggle too. She says its nothing that ive done personally and its not my fault but the distance makes her sad, and the lack of time together is difficult to deal with.

The issue is she wants us to buy a house and blend families, however with the most recent issue thats come about, it makes me wonder if we should wait.

She feels that its a risk worth taking to as the issues should iron out as there is no distance, but as there are kids involved i am a little more hesitant.

She really struggles with our current situation and im pretty sure that if i suggest we wait for things to be more solid, then it will end.

 

Are these issues normal for long term relationships or should i suggest waiting and working on our relationship/distance?

Edited June 22, 2023 by MrGM

[Wiseman2]

19 minutes ago, MrGM said:

 The issue is she wants us to buy a house and blend families, however with the most recent issue 

Trust your instincts. This is way too much too soon. It's foolish enough buying a house with someone you only know for a year, but inflicting a blended family situation on your children 18 mos after your separation from their mother is way too much. Slow down.

If all this woman wants is to conveniently install a man in the house to  pay half the bills and play surrogate husband/father, run.

If she can't get used to even managing her custody schedule and dating, she certainly can't manage a new house and blended family. 

Edited June 22, 2023 by Wiseman2

[glows]

Is she not concerned about the pending divorce? What does it look like for the kids and schools and coparenting? 20 mi in my mind is barely a hop and a skip. A few nights a week is a lot. 

Can you elaborate a bit more on the not enough time spent together? Is a lot of this decision fuelled by finances?

[MrGM]

23 minutes ago, glows said:

Is she not concerned about the pending divorce? What does it look like for the kids and schools and coparenting? 20 mi in my mind is barely a hop and a skip. A few nights a week is a lot. 

Can you elaborate a bit more on the not enough time spent together? Is a lot of this decision fuelled by finances?

Hi,

 

The divorce is amicable and near the final stages and her sons will be going to the same school theyre currently at (she works that way).

 

Re time, i have my kids when im not at work and therefore we only see each other some nights for a few hours and some weekends with the kids, as i work some weekends.

 

It could be finances as i do earn a lot more than her, but shes very independent and doesnt seem the sort to be money driven. 

Shes a genuine and lovely woman, i just worry that what if these reocurrent issues arent distance related and it all goes pear shaped. Id like to wait but im sure she will probably say she cant wait and continue with the curreny setup.

Edited June 22, 2023 by MrGM

[BaileyB]

5 hours ago, MrGM said:

She feels that its a risk worth taking to as the issues should iron out as there is no distance, but as there are kids involved i am a little more hesitant.

I tend to agree with you. Because there are children involved and their lives will be uprooted/altered by this decision, I think you have a responsibility to be SURE about the future of this relationship before you move in together.

Sure, if you were single and you are the only two people who would be affected if this little “experiment” failed, that would be something very different. But, you are not the only people who will be affected if this relationship fails.

The idea that you will move in together and all your issues will resolve themselves in magical thinking, IMHO. If anything, you will have MORE issues. One year is not a long time when we are talking about dating with children and blending families. I have been in a similar position - we waited three years to move in together and there was only one child. And, I was the one who loved - aside from the fact that I was now living in the home, his life didn’t change in any other way… In your case, kids have to adapt to a new partner, perhaps leaving their family home, changing schools, new friends, new siblings, possibly sharing rooms/space/attention… that’s not easy. You will have to deal with difference in parenting styles, ex-spouses with whom you are both coparenting, and the adjustment of living with another person… and let’s remember, you’ve only been dating this person for a year. Even in the best of circumstances where both people are single and free to spend as much time as possible together, one year would be pretty early to be discussing moving in together… Never mind the fact that you have separated only six months prior and you are not even officially divorced. This is crazy talk!! Your children are already coping with so much change - it seems unfair to ask them to move in with another woman and her children at this point. 

 

5 hours ago, MrGM said:

She really struggles with our current situation and im pretty sure that if i suggest we wait for things to be more solid, then it will end.

Well then, that tells you something right there. A parent should be able to place the needs of her children above her own emotional needs. She is looking for a crutch - do you want to be that crutch? 

Edited June 22, 2023 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

4 hours ago, MrGM said:

i just worry that what if these reocurrent issues arent distance related and it all goes pear shaped.

That’s the risk that you take if you move in together. Personally, I would want to be more sure myself before either of you make a decision that is not easy to undo - especially because there are children involved. 

[glows]

5 hours ago, MrGM said:

Hi,

 

The divorce is amicable and near the final stages and her sons will be going to the same school theyre currently at (she works that way).

 

Re time, i have my kids when im not at work and therefore we only see each other some nights for a few hours and some weekends with the kids, as i work some weekends.

 

It could be finances as i do earn a lot more than her, but shes very independent and doesnt seem the sort to be money driven. 

Shes a genuine and lovely woman, i just worry that what if these reocurrent issues arent distance related and it all goes pear shaped. Id like to wait but im sure she will probably say she cant wait and continue with the curreny setup.

I’d want to know exactly what motivates her to cohabitate. If it’s not distance (and you sound skeptical) then what is driving her to buy a house so soon with you? I’m sorry -the distance of 20mi being too far makes completely zero sense. 

Is she the one travelling all the time? Do both of you drive/have a DL?

Should you choose to move in/buy together do a complete review of your finances please. You should know exactly what she brings in and the extent of any debts or legal obligations. Speak with a lawyer about any agreements(cohabitation ie) in place before living together. If she’s serious about it this should wake her up …or scare her off. You are doing your due diligence in the process and covering yourself.

[Lotsgoingon]

Terrible idea. Ridiculous terrible idea. And you need to develop some backbone. 

Every few months she has issues with us and its normally how the distance makes her feel like im not interested, but I am. I do love her but she will complain that i dont care for her.

The alarming words here are "makes her feel like" you're not interested. You've only been together a year, and you're not divorced. Her expectation that you should have moved closer is ridiculous. Frankly, you may need time alone when the divorce comes through. Separation is different than divorce.  

Note: I'm not saying she should be more patient and that you should tell her to slow down. Nope, I'm charging that she is playing insecurity in order to manipulate you and make you feel guilty, which gives her an up in the relationship. I'm saying she doesn't miss you--she just knows how to manipulate you. 

She can say she would like more time with you. But the YOU make her feel bad? Massive red flag. You make her feel bad because you live where you live? Are you kidding me? You're not even divorced. If she is unhappy with where you live, then she should end the relationship with you. 

She is eager to immediately blend the two families. I can't think of a dumber idea. You guys would need to spend, I would say, at least a year getting to know each other's kids GRADUALLY before moving in together.  And at the end of that time, you may decide, no, blending would be a bad idea. 

She is desperate. She is rushing. She is blaming you in the most manipulative way. She's got you feeling sorry for her when for not living with her. Red flags all the way and  there is a bigger red flag. You are afraid to stand up to her--that's the major red flag. I can guarantee you if you moved in, she's going to be complaining that you don't spend more money on her (even if you're spending a lot). And she'll say "You make me feel unwanted" because you don't spend on x. You'll be the blame for any problems her kids have. 

Wake brother! What's lulled you to sleep? You proceed, I would guarantee things will be a disaster--for you. For her, she'll have you running at her every nutty request.

 

[BaileyB]

Agree with the post from Glows.

Who would be moving in with who? Because, somebody is potentially giving up their equity if they own/sell a home. And then, somebody would have to find a new place if things don’t work out. I don’t know where you live, but when I live - this is a huge risk to take in a very tough rental/housing market. 

Most definitely, visit a lawyer and draw up a cohabitation agreement. This agreement spells out exactly what will happen to finances/mortgages in the event of separation, divorce (should you marry), or death.  As you both have been married before, I imagine that you both have accumulated some assets and those you will want to protect - if not for yourself, for your children. And considering that you are going through a divorce, I imagine that you also have some serious debts/obligations to your soon to be former spouse/mother of your children. 

At this stage of life, the decision to live together is complicated. It’s not the same as when you were 21 and you can afford to throw caution to the wind, move in together and see how it goes. At that time, you had nothing to loose and the ability to recover fairly easily if things went south. It’s not that way anymore. 

I understand her desire to live together - it’s hard when you are in a relationship and your time together is limited. It’s hard, working and maintaining a home while travelling back and forth and sleeping in another bed. It takes a toll, even if it’s only 20 miles. 

That said, you both had a responsibility to your children to make good decisions. And moving in together at this time, would be quite a risk. 

Do the children get along? Have they spent much time together? Even if they do “get along,” living together changes things in ways that you can’t imagine or predict - would everyone be ready for that?

I’d be curious to know the reason for her impatience? Is she just one of those people who likes to have a partner? Does she not like living alone? Is she just so infatuated that she can’t stand the time apart? Is she overwhelmed with the responsibility of maintaining a home and raising children alone? Is she tired of driving and splitting her time between both homes? Does she want the financial relief? There are so many reasons why she would be pushing for this - but the fact that you feel she is unable or unwilling to compromise - that she would rather end the relationship than wait - is a huge red flag for me. 

Edited June 22, 2023 by BaileyB

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, MrGM said:

The divorce is amicable and near the final stages. It could be finances as i do earn a lot more than her, 

Unfortunately you're jumping from the frying pan to the fire. What's the big rush?  Slow way down. If  your relationship has any merit other than a rebound, it will stand the test of time.

Making major changes financially and otherwise while in the throes of divorce is a recipe for disaster. Please don't be pressured into this. Especially given that she wants you to buy her a house.

[BaileyB]

Small sample size but not a single person has said - “this sounds like a risk worth taking.” 

[Ageless Wisdom23]

Not sure if you are divorced but that would need to come First.  If So, And being ONLY separated(Whatever the case)from an EX for only 6 Months, I believe you are right in waiting to get involved in all of the "Playing House" with another right now.  To Me, 20 miles is only a stone's throw from when I did and still do LDR(Had Two)with both of my partners who live overseas.  How would she like that?  Talk to her and tell her you are not quite ready but would love to continue nurturing and nursing what you have built for over a year.  Find out how patient she is and if she is the kind of woman who would be willing to wait for someone she re🥰ally does love?

Edited June 22, 2023 by Ageless Wisdom23

[BaileyB]

How you seek the idea of waiting to her is by telling her that the chance of success and long term happiness is much higher if you wait. Never has any relationship gone well when decisions are rushed and people are pressured to do something they are not ready to do.

If you rush the decision and move in together before you are sure/ready and before the kids are adjusted to the idea - 100% it will fail. It could fail for any number of reasons - you could learn that you are not truly compatible, or her emotional neediness is not related to the distance, or the kids could have a really hard time adjusting to sharing their home with others who are not family, or any other reason…

If she truly loves you, she will respect your decision and support you during this transition in your life. If she is looking long term, she will be willing to wait until both you and the children are ready to make this life changing decision… If she is looking short term, she will pressure you to make the decision or end the relationship because you have not complied. 

Edited June 23, 2023 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

47 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

How you seek the idea of waiting to her

Sorry, that should say “how you sell the idea of waiting…”

[ExpatInItaly]

16 hours ago, MrGM said:

live about 20 miles from each other.

And you two consider this long-distance? 

16 hours ago, MrGM said:

We dont see that much of each other due to work and kid commitments, but we do see each other a few nights per week.

Huh? You don't see much of each other but spend a few nights a week together? It sounds like you see each other plenty.

I am guessing she wants to see you everyday, hence the push to live together.  Otherwise, her complaining about a measly 20 miles and "only" spending a few nights a week together makes zero sense. It would be a bad idea to buy a house together right now. The fact that you have any reservations about it is your cue that it's not a good idea. She needs to stop pressuring you. If she has so many complaints about the "distance", she needs to find a man who already lives within walking distance of her house. 

[JTSW]

This is not a long distance relationship.

You're a stones throw away and you spend a decent amount of time together throughout the week.

If she struggles with that then she has allot of insecurity issues.

Maybe she wants to move in as her way of knowing where you are all the time.

Therefore, it is NOT a good idea to move in together.

 

[Alpacalia]

I would take a cautious approach to moving in together, as you both need to need to be confident that the relationship can handle the strain of being closer. Her issues with the physical distance, which isn't much, does hint that it may not go as smoothly as expected.

My guess is that your girlfriend has an underlying fear of abandonment due to her previous relationship. Moving in together will likely bring up related fears. You can make sure that she is able to share these feelings with you in a safe and supportive environment. It would also be beneficial to set boundaries right off the bat, such as divide up chores or how often you'd like to talk/hangout/spend time together. Planning ahead and knowing what to expect could help ease the fear of the unknown.

Though your behavior hasn't changed, she blames the physical separation and is unhappy with how little time you have to connect. It might indicate deeper issues, and her difficulty adjusting to the distance is being expressed in a misguided way, signaling potential problems.

Moving in together is a big step and should be done thoughtfully.

It could be a great opportunity for both of you to get closer and know each other's likes/dislikes better BEFORE considering moving in together, but you both should take it slow, communicate often and above all, be there for each other. 

Edited June 23, 2023 by Alpacalia