NuevoYorko Posted June 25, 2023 Share Posted June 25, 2023 Since you ignore the question about your age, I will assume that you're a child still and, unfortunately for you, can't move out yet. The best advice I can offer is to "be polite" and keep yourself busy with your interests outside of your house as much as possible. Being polite doesn't include ignoring your mother or relatives in the home. Even if they "deserve" to be treated disrespectfully, it will probably make your situation more unhappy if you do that. Focus on doing well in school so you can possibly win a scholarship that will help you with on-campus housing when you get out of high school. If you're not college bound, perhaps look into joining the military. There you can learn a trade or marketable skill. The aim is to get out as soon as possible and at the same time, with the best possible circumstances. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kassieee Posted June 28, 2023 Author Share Posted June 28, 2023 Sucks because I am missing out on special occasions and memories!!!! I wish I was a cat!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 28, 2023 Share Posted June 28, 2023 On 6/24/2023 at 11:14 PM, NuevoYorko said: Since you ignore the question about your age, I assume you're a child still and, Don't assume anything. There are 60 year old women living at home with their parents pretending to be teens. Seriously. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kassieee Posted June 28, 2023 Author Share Posted June 28, 2023 11 minutes ago, stillafool said: Don't assume anything. There are 60 year old women living at home with their parents pretending to be teens. Seriously. 💯 exactly. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted June 28, 2023 Share Posted June 28, 2023 You're just going to make your own living situation worse if you blatantly ignore your mom. Suggest you keep it civil as much as you can, and once you move out you only need to see her once in a while. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted June 28, 2023 Share Posted June 28, 2023 1 hour ago, justaskingok said: Sucks because I am missing out on special occasions and memories!!!! How exactly are you missing out on these things? Being asked to provide waxing services is not the same as say, caring for an aging parent. You can simply tell Mom that you're not free when she asks for these sort of things and instead make alternate arrangements with friends. Or, you can make it clear to your mom that while you're not available to provide waxing services, you would be happy to help her in other ways. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kassieee Posted June 28, 2023 Author Share Posted June 28, 2023 Just now, Alpacalia said: How exactly are you missing out on these things? Being asked to provide waxing services is not the same as say, caring for an aging parent. You can simply tell Mom that you're not free when she asks for these sort of things and instead make alternate arrangements with friends. Or, you can make it clear to your mom that while you're not available to provide waxing services, you would be happy to help her in other ways. The thing is in this situation my aunts were around ( sleeping over for an occasion) so she inserted herself in the whole waxing situation. I can't tell her no and make everyone else uncomfortable. Anyway I did her mustache. Something else is coming we are seated at the same table, this past weekend she told me to stfu infront of people so loudly. So embarrassing. I hate making others uncomfortable I'd rather exclude myself out. I'm still recovering from embarrassment. Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted June 28, 2023 Share Posted June 28, 2023 8 minutes ago, Alpacalia said: How exactly are you missing out on these things? Being asked to provide waxing services is not the same as say, caring for an aging parent. You can simply tell Mom that you're not free when she asks for these sort of things and instead make alternate arrangements with friends. Or, you can make it clear to your mom that while you're not available to provide waxing services, you would be happy to help her in other ways. If the OP is a teenager or younger and still in the parental home, it's very unlikely that they're in the position to tell their mother that they won't do as they've been asked or told. It's also probably not advantageous to make difficult familial relationships even more fraught by trying to ignore them in the house. Boundaries are good. If there is abuse in the home, OP, please either speak to an adult at school or someone you know and trust outside of the family, like your doctor. I don't know anything about this but I imagine that there are hot lines that you can call if you need help. If you are an adult woman, the answer is obvious: MOVE OUT. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kassieee Posted June 28, 2023 Author Share Posted June 28, 2023 (edited) When I was in a relationship and hardly home. She would have a fit that she's always home alone. I was heading out there door with my boyfriend, she was at the kitchen table eating and as I headed out she had tantrum how she's always home alone. I felt bad. I feel bad for someone who never has my back or takes my feelings into consideration. I want to dissociate feeling bad. My pathetic self will still see her when I move out. but it's not like she will be happy to see me she just wants anyone's company. Edited June 28, 2023 by justaskingok Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted June 28, 2023 Share Posted June 28, 2023 3 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said: If the OP is a teenager or younger and still in the parental home, it's very unlikely that they're in the position to tell their mother that they won't do as they've been asked or told. She is in her young twenties (if I recall correctly, OP please correct me if I'm wrong). Does your Mom insist that you provide her with these types of requests and what happens if you decline? If she punishes you, then yes, that paints a very different picture. If she is abusing you then I entirely understand wanting to not associate with her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted June 28, 2023 Share Posted June 28, 2023 3 minutes ago, Alpacalia said: She is in her young twenties (if I recall correctly, OP please correct me if I'm wrong). I guess I've missed that. I've asked a couple of times. OP - time to find some promising roommates and leave this unhappy family nest. In the meantime, be polite. Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted June 28, 2023 Share Posted June 28, 2023 (edited) 24 minutes ago, justaskingok said: The thing is in this situation my aunts were around ( sleeping over for an occasion) so she inserted herself in the whole waxing situation. I can't tell her no and make everyone else uncomfortable. Anyway I did her mustache. Something else is coming we are seated at the same table, this past weekend she told me to stfu infront of people so loudly. So embarrassing. I hate making others uncomfortable I'd rather exclude myself out. I'm still recovering from embarrassment. It's understandable that you would rather take a step back and remove yourself from the situation. It's ok to remove yourself from situations that make you uncomfortable, and it's important to stand up for yourself. Do you think that you can move out soon? Make sure you have somewhere to go and all the necessary resources before you make your move. Right now it sounds like the best thing for you is to make a plan and execute it. In the meantime, try to distance yourself from the conflict with things like being asked to wax her. It doesn't sound like it's something you want or enjoy doing. Edited June 28, 2023 by Alpacalia Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kassieee Posted June 28, 2023 Author Share Posted June 28, 2023 12 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said: I guess I've missed that. I've asked a couple of times. OP - time to find some promising roommates and leave this unhappy family nest. In the meantime, be polite. Dont worry I have "be kind" as my phone wallpaper to remind me. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted June 28, 2023 Share Posted June 28, 2023 1 hour ago, justaskingok said: When I was in a relationship and hardly home. She would have a fit that she's always home alone. You don't have to babysit lonely parents. You have to live your own life. Unfortunately as long as she's supporting you and you're under her roof, she has all the power and control in the situation. No way to change that other than getting your own place. Have you ever lived on your own or with a BF or roommates or in a dormatory? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kassieee Posted June 29, 2023 Author Share Posted June 29, 2023 27 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: You don't have to babysit lonely parents. You have to live your own life. Unfortunately as long as she's supporting you and you're under her roof, she has all the power and control in the situation. No way to change that other than getting your own place. Have you ever lived on your own or with a BF or roommates or in a dormatory? No never lived with anyone. Spent a good chunk of my time at my boyfriends, but that was his place. I paid no bills. Link to post Share on other sites
mtnbiker3000 Posted June 29, 2023 Share Posted June 29, 2023 A child taking on the role of a parent, for a parent, is deeply rooted in co-dependency and without a very mature mindset can lead to a lot of suffering in your adult life. I agree with the other posters, time to leave the nest. Is there a reason you haven't yet? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted June 29, 2023 Share Posted June 29, 2023 3 hours ago, justaskingok said: Dont worry I have "be kind" as my phone wallpaper to remind me. Accept that your mom's behavior won't change. Compassionate detachedness allows you to keep your dignity and sanity without becoming entangled in her issues. You're not required to be polite to someone that tells you to "shut the bleep up." It's OK to ask someone to treat you with courtesy. You can also walk away from the situation if necessary. Right now you're just managing the situation, but inevitably, it's time to switch things up. Does she support you financially? Since you are an adult, you need to deal with adult issues. Practically, this means looking at and pursuing education, job, and housing opportunities that you can pursue independently, without relying on your mother for financial or emotional support. Staying afloat as you adjust to your transitional lifestyle begins with creating a plan and sticking to it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kassieee Posted June 29, 2023 Author Share Posted June 29, 2023 (edited) 32 minutes ago, Alpacalia said: Accept that your mom's behavior won't change. Compassionate detachedness allows you to keep your dignity and sanity without becoming entangled in her issues. You're not required to be polite to someone that tells you to "shut the bleep up." It's OK to ask someone to treat you with courtesy. You can also walk away from the situation if necessary. Right now you're just managing the situation, but inevitably, it's time to switch things up. Does she support you financially? Since you are an adult, you need to deal with adult issues. Practically, this means looking at and pursuing education, job, and housing opportunities that you can pursue independently, without relying on your mother for financial or emotional support. Staying afloat as you adjust to your transitional lifestyle begins with creating a plan and sticking to it. Depends on how you view things, She doesn't work. I don't help with the house bills... I asked if I could help pay bills when I started working, the internet bill at least. I felt excited to be able to help out but he refuses. He wants me to save. My dad won't ever take money from me. Idk where people live, telling me to move out like it's that easy. It's really expensive. As I've stated before in other threads...I am working on it. But meanwhile........ Edited June 29, 2023 by justaskingok Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted June 29, 2023 Share Posted June 29, 2023 1 hour ago, justaskingok said: Depends on how you view things, She doesn't work. I don't help with the house bills... I asked if I could help pay bills when I started working, the internet bill at least. I felt excited to be able to help out but he refuses. He wants me to save. My dad won't ever take money from me. Idk where people live, telling me to move out like it's that easy. It's really expensive. As I've stated before in other threads...I am working on it. But meanwhile........ My father is the same way. He doesn't want me to pay for anything when he comes to visit (or otherwise for that matter). Maybe your dad feels like if he takes money from you it might be a sign of him not financially providing for the family well enough. It could also be him just spoiling you and not wanting you to worry about bills just yet. MOVING OUT can be difficult, but it is possible if you are prepared and willing to put in the work. Sure, it's difficult but it is certainly doable. I moved out when I was young and worked while I was still in high school to support myself. What's the alternative? From what you've written, you're not getting along at home. That's the important starting point. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kassieee Posted June 29, 2023 Author Share Posted June 29, 2023 1 minute ago, Alpacalia said: My father is the same way. He doesn't want me to pay for anything when he comes to visit (or otherwise for that matter). Maybe your dad feels like if he takes money from you it might be a sign of him not financially providing for the family well enough. It could also be him just spoiling you and not wanting you to worry about bills just yet. MOVING OUT can be difficult, but it is possible if you are prepared and willing to put in the work. Sure, it's difficult but it is certainly doable. I moved out when I was young and worked while I was still in high school to support myself. What's the alternative? From what you've written, you're not getting along at home. That's the important starting point. I am working on it... Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted June 29, 2023 Share Posted June 29, 2023 3 hours ago, justaskingok said: Idk where people live, telling me to move out like it's that easy. It's really expensive. Of course it costs money, but much of adult life does. If you're in college, you could see if there's college dorm accommodation that might be cheap and covered by your student loan. Or otherwise, if you're working but just not earning a lot, you can look into houseshare/roommate options. Most of us didn't move out right away into a nice house all by ourselves... we've put up with roommates, crappy houses, dorms, etc. It's just part of the process. Quote But meanwhile........ Meanwhile, unfortunately there's nothing much you can do other than keep your head down and survive until you can leave. You can't control how your mom behaves, and fighting fire with fire just makes things worse. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kassieee Posted July 3, 2023 Author Share Posted July 3, 2023 (edited) Been avoiding her all week and I've been away since Friday, the whole weekend, in peace. I come home... Knock knock knock on my bedroom door...Lied and said im on the toilet so i dont have to converse with her. Get a clue, I've told her not to talk to me unless it's an emergency before, I mean it this time. I am going to Europe next month. And then new York in September. Thank goodness. Edited July 3, 2023 by justaskingok Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted July 3, 2023 Share Posted July 3, 2023 2 minutes ago, justaskingok said: I've told her not to talk to me unless it's an emergency, I mean it this time. Get a clue: It's her house and she can speak to you anytime she pleases. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kassieee Posted July 3, 2023 Author Share Posted July 3, 2023 Just now, basil67 said: Get a clue: It's her house and she can speak to you anytime she pleases. How whenever she pleases, when I just dismissed her? Everyones allowed to have boundaries Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted July 3, 2023 Share Posted July 3, 2023 (edited) 3 minutes ago, justaskingok said: How whenever she pleases, when I just dismissed her? Everyones allowed to have boundaries Not if you're living under their roof and they are paying for your accommodation. Does she pay for your food too? If my adult child was living under my roof and said that to me, I'd tell them to be out at the end of the week. Parents can have boundaries too Edited July 3, 2023 by basil67 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts