Afraid to show emotions to boyfriend

[LotusAvx]

I have been dating a great man for the past 5 months. Everything is going good for the most part, we have a wonderful connection and we both see the relationship moving in a positive direction. What I haven't shared with him is that I am afraid to show my emotions to him in fear of coming across as overly needy or insecure. I am guessing I feel this way because of past relationships that ended because we weren't a good match, probably because I was in touch with my emotions and very open about them and they were very closed off. I will censor how I am feeling about certain things in my life and I want his support but I am afraid to show how I am feeling as I do not want him to think of me as emotionally needy. I tend to get extremely emotional around my period, I feel very fragile and frazzled, sometimes even feeling insecure about the relationship. Instead of talking to him about it, I act passive aggressive towards him but I really want to tell him how I am feeling but I am SO afraid this will scare him off. I know that if he truly loves me like he says he does, showing my emotions will not push him away. I just do not want to seem needy. I never had this problem in my past relationships, I was always more than willing to show my emotions, even acting shamelessly insecure and needy (I was also a lot more immature) There is something about this relationship (possibly me not wanting to ruin it because it is going so well) that makes me not want to show him any type of negative way that I am feeling. How can I cope with something like this, and lose the fear of him leaving me?

Edited June 23, 2023 by LotusAvx

[Wiseman2]

33 minutes ago, LotusAvx said:

 that makes me not want to show him any type of negative way that I am feeling. How can I cope with something like this, and lose the fear of him leaving me?

The relationship seems to be going well even though it's just 20 weeks. So you'll have to be able to watch things grow and observe with confidence. 

It seems like you have learned a lot in past relationships about sabotaging them with too much emotionality and lack of filtering. Keep in mind that dating is not therapy and assuaging insecurities is a tiring job. 

Talk to trusted friends and family and perhaps a therapist if you feel there are underlying issues.

Ironically chronically needing reassurance becomes a self fulfilling prophecy because it's so tiring and draining for a partner to have to do that, that they feel hopeless and leave.

Manage your emotions, be sincere and be confident and employ appropriate filters to conversations. Try not to make partners feel inadequate by implying they'll never be able to do enough to make you happy or secure.

[ShyViolet]

A relationship can't be healthy if you are getting into habits like this, bottling up your emotions and not feeling comfortable being open with him with your emotions.  This relationship won't last very long unless you address this soon.  I suggest you get into therapy.

[glows]

Is the only concern around feeling frazzled/emotionally needy around your period? We all have to learn to self-soothe and deal with the hormonal ups and downs. I think you’ve learned from your past but want your partner to be in tune with you during time of the month. 

It’s fine to simply say “Hey, I’m feeling a bit down right now and low energy due to time of the month but will feel better in a couple of days. Can I get back to you on xyz then? I‘ll be in a better frame of mind.” And then actually hold yourself to it and do it so that your partner can trust your judgment and your ability to meet them half way. I would not spill out a random mix of emotions and make hasty decisions when not feeling like yourself.

A loving and supportive partner will be there for you and tune into your emotions anyway! You don’t need to draw so much attention to it. Stay positive as much as possible and keep things in perspective.

[MsMamma]

I feel like sharing your emotions with him would be less damaging than being passive aggressive when you're struggling to be honest.

[NuevoYorko]

I think you would benefit from some therapy to help you deal with your emotions differently than you are.

The only emotions you really mention are  "insecure and needy" or "fragile and frazzled."   You ARE expressing them when you behave in a passive aggressive manner.

You don't need to "act out" or really express all the emotions that you experience in a relationship, and if you go through some difficult times because of hormones, it's important to not let the feelings that come over you influence how you behave towards your partner.  Feelings aren't facts. Many feelings are like weather, they come over us and then pass.   So it's important that a partner is aware that you're feeling them, but it is not time for you to try to get a lot of reassurance about your relationship or to resolve issues that legitimately need attention during those times.  

Yes, let him know that you are going through the feelings.  Explore learning, with help, how to deal with them in a healthy way that does not involve "stuffing" them or, conversely,  flooding your partner with them.