Money, what to expect?

[MsMamma]

I'll try to cover the questions.. 

When he got his payout he bought a bus that we renovated. We then travelled for 3 months before relocating across australia back to my home town. Yes there is a huge housing crisis here.. the wait list where I am is about 6 months.  We were lucky to get the place we are in currently due the house owner knowing my family. I didn't put any money toward the purchase of or the Reno's of the bus. We both put equally toward our travelling, he had nothing left by the time we arrived and had started to use credit cards. I've always had a good amount of savings and still had money.

We still have the bus so technically he can live in that.. but it's winter and he'd freeze as it has no heating or cooling, he will need to get a house. Yes... aus gets cold. 

He originally got a job at bunnings. He was so excited about this... as he had really burnt out working as a state manager in his previous role. I'd watched him burn out and he had worked HARD. Bunnings seemed simple and easy. But of course for someone who gad worked in management he soon got frustrated with the management. 8 months in he quit to work at a pub. That sucked as it was every weekend working the nightclub. There is no work here in his previous field at all. So I suggested seeing as he's used to management that perhaps he could run his own business. Of course he had nothing to be able to do this... and being that he's a keen gardener I knew he'd love a gardening business. That was the first time I bailed him out. I bought a van and a trailer, loaned him 10k for tools and got him going. He worked so hard at it, he paid me back all but 3k so far. But I havnt seen a dollar for over a year now. 

He was doing really well until the last 6 months where he doesnt seem to be putting in the effort any more. Last week he had a bit of a meltdown saying he couldn't pay his staff as there was no money, because he hadn't done any invoicing for the previous week. The simple answer from me was go and do your invoicing and chase the money!!! I did not lend him anything here... he did actually get after his money, however he paid his staff a couple of days late which I don't think is acceptable. 

So.. he is currently packing up his bus. I havnt made offer of accommodation. I'm guessing if it's too cold here he may have to drive some place warmer if he can afford it. I have no idea what he's going to do with his business as it's all run from our shed. I'll give him some time to work it out. 

 

The suck it up buttercup doesn't work for me. I work on kind principals, it's not necessary to be unkind to people in any circumstance. But I won't be walked all over and taken advantage of forever.

 

 

[basil67]

OK, perhaps leave off the "buttercup"    I only mentioned those phrases because they are a great way to shut down someone who's whining over perfectly reasonable expectations.  I'm kind and patient, but there comes a point where have no tolerance for someone who keeps pushing after I've made myself clear in a respectful manner.

Glad to know he has a bus.  If he gets unemployment benefits, he can plug into a van site.  

[Wiseman2]

43 minutes ago, MsMamma said:

. he is currently packing up his bus. I havnt made offer of accommodation. I'm guessing if it's too cold here he may have to drive some place warmer if he can afford it. I have no idea what he's going to do with his business as it's all run from our shed. I'll give him some time to work it out. 

This seems like a fair solution. The housing and homeless crisis in your area is not your problem. The problem is he's buying and playing video games all day and you have children to support. He also needs to figure out his custody and visitation for his child with his ex. You shouldn't be supporting her either. Open retirement accounts and accounts for your children. Get a CPA to advise you on tax strategies and get help from financial advisors.

Edited June 26, 2023 by Wiseman2

[MsMamma]

I'm guessing this has come to this point because of the success I'm having with my own business.. I'm a nurse by trade but not working in this field currently. I started my own business a year ago and unexpectedly its been wildly successful, far beyond what I could have hoped for. I have worked non stop for this 7 days a week.. was prepared to do whatever it takes. I havnt got here 'easily'.

I think because of my success he has made comparisons and maybe feels like his business isn't worth it... however I do know that he spends every leftover cent he makes so really... how can you maintain that !  

Whatever the case... I feel disrespected that without any discussion he thinks it's okay to slack off and let me cover everything. We are not married, and even if we were I'd expect my partner to contribute no matter what I'm doing. I personally would be too proud to mooch off someone else.. I love providing for myself. Wasn't sure if I were being unreasonable about this and if other couples live off one person's success... but it was just starting to feel like a sole responsibility and a drag. And yes, this takes from my own children. 

He pays child support for his own child, but doesn't cover any extra costs when she's here for the holidays. My kids are 16 and 11, and pretty good kids. His daughter is 13 and a handful, I'm worried she's going to get pregnant. Tried to talk to him about getting her on contraception and he seems to think that's her mother's responsibility... her mother has 6 kids to 3 different dads. She won't do this!!

[Wiseman2]

7 minutes ago, MsMamma said:

.. her mother has 6 kids to 3 different dads. 

Can he go live with her? His child is his and her mother's sole responsibly, financially and as far as healthcare, education, housing etc. If he just started coasting on easy street because your business was doing well, that tells you all you need to know.

[MsMamma]

No his ex is now married, and she absolutely hates my partner. That would be a flat out no! 

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, MsMamma said:

No his ex is now married, and she absolutely hates my partner. That would be a flat out no! 

Then it's his problem to figure out how to live in the bus then. It's good you're watching your hands of this.

[basil67]

@MsMamma you were worried that you're being sexist.  And as a stay at home mum, I'm pretty confident that you're not.  I cared for our kids when they were young.  My youngest has grown up and left the nest, but I still care for the eldest who has a disability.   I also do the shopping, cooking, housework, doctors appointments, organise support workers, therapists and day programs.  When they were young, there were school things to remember.  I get a feeling that your (ex) BF doesn't do a fraction of this.  And importantly, being a stay at home person needs active consent from both parties and clear expectations from both sides on how to make it work.   

I also question your (ex) partner's management qualifications.  How can someone skilled in management find themselves sitting at home complaining about having no money because they haven't sent invoices?  I don't know if he was lying to you or was a really, really bad manager....but it doesn't make sense, does it.  

[MsMamma]

I can only go on what he tells me about his last job, but he worked there 11 years and it sounded intense... for example they provided training to the army for underwater helicopter escape and these training exercises were actually in a massive pool. So lots of risk involved, I would assume you'd need to be quite competent to run the team of staff that he had with that level of risk. 

So yes, it makes no sense that he is running his own business in this way. The only explanation I've had is that he did really burn out in that last job, but he's had a few years to regain whatever he needed to regain. And I realise that's me making excuses for him. I don't really know what the process should be for someone in his situation. He did have a bit of a breakdown from that. He took a voluntary redundancy from them after they admitted his workload was unreasonable and they realised they may be liable to be sued. They paid him out in this way to shut that down and save face. 

So yes, he needed some recovery time.. but this has actually gone from okay to getting worse! And with his knowledge about business he shouldn't be in this situation.

[S2B]

Whatever his challenges are at this time are his to be concerned about, not yours.

he needs to have a fire lit under him to get motivated! 

I tell my kids - when you work - you make money. He needs to actually start working again. You can’t be the one to motivate HIM - that comes from within - and he needs to figure this out himself.

don’t give him money - that could potential be your kids money for their future.

anyone CAPABLE of working yet they won’t - that’s a problem only they can fix. Throwing money at someone like that only trains them to work less while having the money they need (because someone like you ends up paying).

he really needs a wake up call. And he needs to start working hard again!

[Lotsgoingon]

You need to get out of this thing. 

He needs to do his own work and healing. Without you. 

Lose the guilt over making more money and hating the way mismanages his (lower amount of) money. You with someone who is a bad decisionmaker. That's a curse that will keep doing damage. 

Get out. And no, you don't know what he really did in the Army and no, he could have been totally incompetent. That is not really your business.

Why are you dating a man who is higher functioning? Someone you can sit down and trust their thinking and decision making? You're basically dating a teenager and not a mature one. 

[basil67]

I wonder what happened to his redundancy payout (if there ever was one).   Yes, take a couple of months to do therapy and regroup.  Then if you're not able to go back to what you were doing, take an easier job.   And if that easier job sucks, find a new one before quitting the old one.  These are basic life skills.  

If I were you, I'd make a decision about the lawn mowing equipment.  As he still owes you money on it and isn't actually using the equipment to pay you back, I'd sell it to recoup what you can.

[S2B]

If he isn’t going to continue the landscaping business - and since you have your money invested in the equipment - and the employees are counting on the money…

why don’t you oversee those workers and have them continue the work they’ve been able to do without him? 

[MsMamma]

50 minutes ago, S2B said:

If he isn’t going to continue the landscaping business - and since you have your money invested in the equipment - and the employees are counting on the money…

why don’t you oversee those workers and have them continue the work they’ve been able to do without him? 

Oh gosh... because I'm already running my own business that takes up so much of my time and energy. 

I could sell a lot of this gear and recoup my money. However he has paid me back for a majority of it already so technically he should sell it and give me what I'm owed. 

I'm owed 3k from purchase of business items. 

I'm owed some other minor amounts $250 for a chainsaw course

$125 half the water bill. 

$250 car registration. 

The car that I bought is still in my name. I declined to put it in his name so that will stay with me.  The trailer I bought is also in my name so will stay with me and I can sell that (I wasn't completely silly with this stuff). 

So I'm owed $3625. I'm just glad it's only that amount as it initially was so much more. If I don't see any more of that money it's just a lesson learnt I guess. As I've bought our furniture that's mine to keep.. and there's not much I can do about the costs incurred for social stuff and expectations of me paying all the time. 

[basil67]

You are absolutely right that technically he should sell the stuff and give the money to you.  But we all know that he's never going to get around to it

As for the rest, I guess it's a very expensive lesson for you.  Be kind, be compassionate but keep your boundaries in place.

[JTSW]

Sell any equipment that you paid for and pay the employees.

Do not give him another penny. 

He got comfortable with you paying for everything and took advantage.

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, MsMamma said:

 I'm owed $3625. I'm just glad it's only that amount as it initially was so much more. If I don't see any more of that money it's just a lesson learnt I guess. 

As long as he packs up and moves out. It's probably unproductive and futile to go after this amount. You may have to eat some short term losses for the long range goal of getting your life back on track.

[Els]

19 hours ago, MsMamma said:

We still have the bus so technically he can live in that.. but it's winter and he'd freeze as it has no heating or cooling, he will need to get a house. Yes... aus gets cold. 

Not sure which part of Aus you live in, but none of the major cities get so cold in winter that you'd freeze to death in a sheltered place with no heating. At the temps we're talking about, which are 0C min at worst (and about 5-10C min on average), as long as you're dry, dressed warmly, and out of the wind you'll certainly be fine. Unfortunately, some people do live in cars in much colder countries. I've survived a night at -5C in an ancient house with basically no insulation, when the power went out. He just needs to wrap up warm, and if you want to be nice you can buy him a cold-rated sleeping bag as a parting gift. Or as you said, he can drive somewhere warmer... FNQ is toasty year round.

Edited June 27, 2023 by Els

[MsMamma]

I realise it's not in the coldest part of the world... but "I" think its freezing in winter. For someone who is not acclimatised to cold weather... last time I spent time in the south australia Adelaide Hills (in the bus) I was cold through to the bone for 3 days to the point where I couldn't actually even get warm and I started to feel unwell from it.  I think actually cold countries make sure they are better equipped for cold weather, better insulation  better facilities for staying warm. A winter in the bus in south aus to me is not a reasonable expectation. 

I've never experienced below 0 degrees or seen snow. 

[glows]

Sorry to hear all this. Gardening is a seasonal business in Canada. I assumed it would be the same in Australia. There’s no work in the winter unless it’s combined with snow removal services which some landscaping and earthwork companies do. I know you come from a good place but not certain here this was ever going to be lucrative. He has lost his sense of purpose and I suspect is in a worse situation with his confidence hit by a break up and the failure of this business. 

Having said that please cut your losses. He will have to figure it out. I think he’s been coasting because he knows you’ll pick up the slack. Not everyone has the maniac drive to run their own business. It can get crazy! Congrats on yours doing so well. 

[Ageless Wisdom23]

I find it's unfair of your partner and he is taking advantage of your pockets and kindness.  You need to set down some rules and stop enabling things with your own money that should be PART of your Partner's Pockets.  His own biz you financed is doing poorly so maybe he should consider shutting it down and finding another job.  But he is depending on you to even buy EXTRA THINGS And---------GAMES ARE NOT IMPORTANT.  I am not seeing him change his ways.  He has it too good.  Maybe you should consider what is best for you and your kids.  He  may grow worse with age and time.🤨

Edited June 28, 2023 by Ageless Wisdom23

[Wiseman2]

56 minutes ago, MsMamma said:

 A winter in the bus in south aus to me is not a reasonable expectation. 

It's a choice he's making if he's packing up the bus to live in. The economy, homeless crisis and climate of Australia shouldn't concern you.  If you are letting him keep the bus and some stuff in the shed that's fine. He can drive his bus until he gets gainful employment and finds affordable housing for himself.

[Els]

5 hours ago, MsMamma said:

I realise it's not in the coldest part of the world... but "I" think its freezing in winter. For someone who is not acclimatised to cold weather... last time I spent time in the south australia Adelaide Hills (in the bus) I was cold through to the bone for 3 days to the point where I couldn't actually even get warm and I started to feel unwell from it.  I think actually cold countries make sure they are better equipped for cold weather, better insulation  better facilities for staying warm. A winter in the bus in south aus to me is not a reasonable expectation. 

I've never experienced below 0 degrees or seen snow. 

The point is that it's not your problem. He's a grown man, and he won't die... so he'll figure out a way around it. You didn't respond earlier about whether he has Aus residency, but if he does, he'll be eligible for govt assistance when he's no longer in a de facto relationship with you (which would require him moving out of your home). And if he doesn't have Aus residency, he can go to the UK embassy and ask their help for a ticket back to the UK if he's truly homeless, or he can ask family in the UK to loan him the plane ticket.

I looked up the weather report on South Aus for this week. We're looking at 6-13C temps, and this is the coldest month of the year. He will be fine. People routinely go hiking and camping in that temperature range. Not being acclimatized to cold just means that it'll be a bit more uncomfortable at the start, but it doesn't increase your risk of hypothermia (which, again, is nonexistent at those temps unless he's jumping into rivers) and he'll gain acclimatization with time. If you get him a cold-rated sleeping bag (I don't feel like you need to, but it only costs $100 if you want to), his body heat will keep him warm in those at night, and in the day it's 13C...

Honestly... I feel like you've both gotten used to you coddling him like a child, and that's the cause of everything you've described in this thread. Unfortunately that's a tendency that you need to work on if you want to get your life back on track.

Edited June 28, 2023 by Els

[S2B]

What’s the update? Is he planning to move asap?

[BaileyB]

On 6/24/2023 at 3:36 AM, MsMamma said:

The conversations we've had he's basically said hes always been terrible with money and spent every dollar he has... and really there's nothing in that statement that suggests he's ever going to try and do better. 

This is why I would never have moved in with the man. 

Money is the number one reason for divorce. I also would never expect a man for whom “money goes right through his hands” to suddenly become a hard working, gainfully employed, responsible with money management, saver. 

It sounds to me like you are coming to understand this too. Best wishes.