Money, what to expect?

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, MsMamma said:

No his ex is now married, and she absolutely hates my partner. That would be a flat out no! 

Then it's his problem to figure out how to live in the bus then. It's good you're watching your hands of this.

[basil67]

@MsMamma you were worried that you're being sexist.  And as a stay at home mum, I'm pretty confident that you're not.  I cared for our kids when they were young.  My youngest has grown up and left the nest, but I still care for the eldest who has a disability.   I also do the shopping, cooking, housework, doctors appointments, organise support workers, therapists and day programs.  When they were young, there were school things to remember.  I get a feeling that your (ex) BF doesn't do a fraction of this.  And importantly, being a stay at home person needs active consent from both parties and clear expectations from both sides on how to make it work.   

I also question your (ex) partner's management qualifications.  How can someone skilled in management find themselves sitting at home complaining about having no money because they haven't sent invoices?  I don't know if he was lying to you or was a really, really bad manager....but it doesn't make sense, does it.  

[MsMamma]

I can only go on what he tells me about his last job, but he worked there 11 years and it sounded intense... for example they provided training to the army for underwater helicopter escape and these training exercises were actually in a massive pool. So lots of risk involved, I would assume you'd need to be quite competent to run the team of staff that he had with that level of risk. 

So yes, it makes no sense that he is running his own business in this way. The only explanation I've had is that he did really burn out in that last job, but he's had a few years to regain whatever he needed to regain. And I realise that's me making excuses for him. I don't really know what the process should be for someone in his situation. He did have a bit of a breakdown from that. He took a voluntary redundancy from them after they admitted his workload was unreasonable and they realised they may be liable to be sued. They paid him out in this way to shut that down and save face. 

So yes, he needed some recovery time.. but this has actually gone from okay to getting worse! And with his knowledge about business he shouldn't be in this situation.

[Lotsgoingon]

You need to get out of this thing. 

He needs to do his own work and healing. Without you. 

Lose the guilt over making more money and hating the way mismanages his (lower amount of) money. You with someone who is a bad decisionmaker. That's a curse that will keep doing damage. 

Get out. And no, you don't know what he really did in the Army and no, he could have been totally incompetent. That is not really your business.

Why are you dating a man who is higher functioning? Someone you can sit down and trust their thinking and decision making? You're basically dating a teenager and not a mature one. 

[basil67]

I wonder what happened to his redundancy payout (if there ever was one).   Yes, take a couple of months to do therapy and regroup.  Then if you're not able to go back to what you were doing, take an easier job.   And if that easier job sucks, find a new one before quitting the old one.  These are basic life skills.  

If I were you, I'd make a decision about the lawn mowing equipment.  As he still owes you money on it and isn't actually using the equipment to pay you back, I'd sell it to recoup what you can.

[MsMamma]

50 minutes ago, S2B said:

If he isn’t going to continue the landscaping business - and since you have your money invested in the equipment - and the employees are counting on the money…

why don’t you oversee those workers and have them continue the work they’ve been able to do without him? 

Oh gosh... because I'm already running my own business that takes up so much of my time and energy. 

I could sell a lot of this gear and recoup my money. However he has paid me back for a majority of it already so technically he should sell it and give me what I'm owed. 

I'm owed 3k from purchase of business items. 

I'm owed some other minor amounts $250 for a chainsaw course

$125 half the water bill. 

$250 car registration. 

The car that I bought is still in my name. I declined to put it in his name so that will stay with me.  The trailer I bought is also in my name so will stay with me and I can sell that (I wasn't completely silly with this stuff). 

So I'm owed $3625. I'm just glad it's only that amount as it initially was so much more. If I don't see any more of that money it's just a lesson learnt I guess. As I've bought our furniture that's mine to keep.. and there's not much I can do about the costs incurred for social stuff and expectations of me paying all the time. 

[basil67]

You are absolutely right that technically he should sell the stuff and give the money to you.  But we all know that he's never going to get around to it

As for the rest, I guess it's a very expensive lesson for you.  Be kind, be compassionate but keep your boundaries in place.

[JTSW]

Sell any equipment that you paid for and pay the employees.

Do not give him another penny. 

He got comfortable with you paying for everything and took advantage.

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, MsMamma said:

 I'm owed $3625. I'm just glad it's only that amount as it initially was so much more. If I don't see any more of that money it's just a lesson learnt I guess. 

As long as he packs up and moves out. It's probably unproductive and futile to go after this amount. You may have to eat some short term losses for the long range goal of getting your life back on track.

[Els]

19 hours ago, MsMamma said:

We still have the bus so technically he can live in that.. but it's winter and he'd freeze as it has no heating or cooling, he will need to get a house. Yes... aus gets cold. 

Not sure which part of Aus you live in, but none of the major cities get so cold in winter that you'd freeze to death in a sheltered place with no heating. At the temps we're talking about, which are 0C min at worst (and about 5-10C min on average), as long as you're dry, dressed warmly, and out of the wind you'll certainly be fine. Unfortunately, some people do live in cars in much colder countries. I've survived a night at -5C in an ancient house with basically no insulation, when the power went out. He just needs to wrap up warm, and if you want to be nice you can buy him a cold-rated sleeping bag as a parting gift. Or as you said, he can drive somewhere warmer... FNQ is toasty year round.

Edited June 27, 2023 by Els

[MsMamma]

I realise it's not in the coldest part of the world... but "I" think its freezing in winter. For someone who is not acclimatised to cold weather... last time I spent time in the south australia Adelaide Hills (in the bus) I was cold through to the bone for 3 days to the point where I couldn't actually even get warm and I started to feel unwell from it.  I think actually cold countries make sure they are better equipped for cold weather, better insulation  better facilities for staying warm. A winter in the bus in south aus to me is not a reasonable expectation. 

I've never experienced below 0 degrees or seen snow. 

[glows]

Sorry to hear all this. Gardening is a seasonal business in Canada. I assumed it would be the same in Australia. There’s no work in the winter unless it’s combined with snow removal services which some landscaping and earthwork companies do. I know you come from a good place but not certain here this was ever going to be lucrative. He has lost his sense of purpose and I suspect is in a worse situation with his confidence hit by a break up and the failure of this business. 

Having said that please cut your losses. He will have to figure it out. I think he’s been coasting because he knows you’ll pick up the slack. Not everyone has the maniac drive to run their own business. It can get crazy! Congrats on yours doing so well. 

[Ageless Wisdom23]

I find it's unfair of your partner and he is taking advantage of your pockets and kindness.  You need to set down some rules and stop enabling things with your own money that should be PART of your Partner's Pockets.  His own biz you financed is doing poorly so maybe he should consider shutting it down and finding another job.  But he is depending on you to even buy EXTRA THINGS And---------GAMES ARE NOT IMPORTANT.  I am not seeing him change his ways.  He has it too good.  Maybe you should consider what is best for you and your kids.  He  may grow worse with age and time.🤨

Edited June 28, 2023 by Ageless Wisdom23

[Wiseman2]

56 minutes ago, MsMamma said:

 A winter in the bus in south aus to me is not a reasonable expectation. 

It's a choice he's making if he's packing up the bus to live in. The economy, homeless crisis and climate of Australia shouldn't concern you.  If you are letting him keep the bus and some stuff in the shed that's fine. He can drive his bus until he gets gainful employment and finds affordable housing for himself.

[Els]

5 hours ago, MsMamma said:

I realise it's not in the coldest part of the world... but "I" think its freezing in winter. For someone who is not acclimatised to cold weather... last time I spent time in the south australia Adelaide Hills (in the bus) I was cold through to the bone for 3 days to the point where I couldn't actually even get warm and I started to feel unwell from it.  I think actually cold countries make sure they are better equipped for cold weather, better insulation  better facilities for staying warm. A winter in the bus in south aus to me is not a reasonable expectation. 

I've never experienced below 0 degrees or seen snow. 

The point is that it's not your problem. He's a grown man, and he won't die... so he'll figure out a way around it. You didn't respond earlier about whether he has Aus residency, but if he does, he'll be eligible for govt assistance when he's no longer in a de facto relationship with you (which would require him moving out of your home). And if he doesn't have Aus residency, he can go to the UK embassy and ask their help for a ticket back to the UK if he's truly homeless, or he can ask family in the UK to loan him the plane ticket.

I looked up the weather report on South Aus for this week. We're looking at 6-13C temps, and this is the coldest month of the year. He will be fine. People routinely go hiking and camping in that temperature range. Not being acclimatized to cold just means that it'll be a bit more uncomfortable at the start, but it doesn't increase your risk of hypothermia (which, again, is nonexistent at those temps unless he's jumping into rivers) and he'll gain acclimatization with time. If you get him a cold-rated sleeping bag (I don't feel like you need to, but it only costs $100 if you want to), his body heat will keep him warm in those at night, and in the day it's 13C...

Honestly... I feel like you've both gotten used to you coddling him like a child, and that's the cause of everything you've described in this thread. Unfortunately that's a tendency that you need to work on if you want to get your life back on track.

Edited June 28, 2023 by Els

[BaileyB]

On 6/24/2023 at 3:36 AM, MsMamma said:

The conversations we've had he's basically said hes always been terrible with money and spent every dollar he has... and really there's nothing in that statement that suggests he's ever going to try and do better. 

This is why I would never have moved in with the man. 

Money is the number one reason for divorce. I also would never expect a man for whom “money goes right through his hands” to suddenly become a hard working, gainfully employed, responsible with money management, saver. 

It sounds to me like you are coming to understand this too. Best wishes.