I'm a total neat freak. Boyfriend is very messy. Are we incompatible?

[ShyViolet]

3 hours ago, sadkoala said:

 Early on in our relationship, he warned me that he turns into an "a**h*** that's not fun to be around" in arguments and that I should therefore pick my fights wisely i.e. "don't start an argument unless it's really important". I've seen this "a**h***" side of him before and it's dreadful. He's not physically abusive by any means, but he becomes a total jerk (starts yelling, swearing, rolling his eyes, scoffing, etc.)... I definitely kept more things to myself throughout the relationship because I didn't want to see this awful side of him anymore.

Ugh are you kidding?  So on top of everything else he was verbally/emotionally abusive?  Please do yourself a favor and do NOT get into a relationship again until you get some very serious therapy.

It was blind luck that this guy chose to break up with you and therefore you escaped the relationship.  If it was the opposite and he didn't want to let you go, you would be in serious trouble because it sounds like you lack the skills to be able to recognize red flags and leave a bad relationship.  

[sadkoala]

1 hour ago, ShyViolet said:

Ugh are you kidding?  So on top of everything else he was verbally/emotionally abusive?  Please do yourself a favor and do NOT get into a relationship again until you get some very serious therapy.

It was blind luck that this guy chose to break up with you and therefore you escaped the relationship.  If it was the opposite and he didn't want to let you go, you would be in serious trouble because it sounds like you lack the skills to be able to recognize red flags and leave a bad relationship.  

The more I interact with you guys on this forum, the more I'm realising how objectively bad my relationship was  I'm really sad about it because I still love him very much... 

I had my first therapy session today, and the therapist suggested I may have been gaslit throughout the relationship into believing that certain bad behaviours were okay. We'll see how it goes...

[mtnbiker3000]

22 minutes ago, sadkoala said:

I''m really sad about it because I still love him very much... 

You can find someone else, someone better, to love.

Question: How you define love? Everyone says it all the time but what does it mean to you?

[mtnbiker3000]

25 minutes ago, sadkoala said:

the therapist suggested I may have been gaslit throughout the relationship into believing that certain bad behaviours were okay...

Great observation. That is the first step to finding what you want in a relationship, romantic or other. Nice work!!!

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, sadkoala said:

 I still love him very much... 

You love the fantasy of him and the fantasy of a relationship. Hopefully you're getting something out of the therapy and it will help you be less miserable trying to accept the unacceptable.

[sadkoala]

1 hour ago, mtnbiker3000 said:

Question: How you define love? Everyone says it all the time but what does it mean to you?

Good question... maybe my definition of love is unhealthy, but to me it means wanting to do anything to make the other person happy. I think this is why I sacrificed my own feelings throughout the relationship in order to make my boyfriend happy. I don't think my boyfriend loved me in the same way though...

[ShyViolet]

9 hours ago, sadkoala said:

He's not physically abusive by any means, but he becomes a total jerk (starts yelling, swearing, rolling his eyes, scoffing, etc.)... I definitely kept more things to myself throughout the relationship because I didn't want to see this awful side of him anymore.

It's concerning and horrible that your main concern was "sparing his feelings", when at the same time THIS was how he was treating you.

[MsMamma]

It's great you're getting different perspectives and seeing a therapist. This is how we learn and grow. I keep learning from mistakes too. Seems that all men are a mistake for me. Lol 

Always... that fantasy of who you initially think they are keeps you hanging on. And those self sabotaging thoughts... like 'if I continue to be kind and a good example maybe he'll follow suit'.  They don't. 

We love the idea of being in love.  But if the positives don't outweigh the negatives it's just not worth our peace of mind.

[glows]

5 hours ago, sadkoala said:

Good question... maybe my definition of love is unhealthy, but to me it means wanting to do anything to make the other person happy. I think this is why I sacrificed my own feelings throughout the relationship in order to make my boyfriend happy. I don't think my boyfriend loved me in the same way though...

Anything? 
I decided awhile ago that the only unconditional love that exists from one human to another should be between parent and child. Never in romantic relationships- always being conditional and we have to be open to change. This means changing ourselves and being willing to evolve our relationships while our values/goals/interests/dreams etc shift over time.

Id take a closer look at this parent-child dynamic in romantic relationships and figure out if some changes are needed. Right now it looks and sounds very much like you’re the parent and he’s the child. 

Edited June 29, 2023 by glows

[ExpatInItaly]

13 hours ago, sadkoala said:

Early on in our relationship, he warned me that he turns into an "a**h*** that's not fun to be around" in arguments and that I should therefore pick my fights wisely

You need to pay closer attention to red flags in the future, OP. This was a gigantic one. 

This guy is not only rude and aggressive (and dirty and gross), but also emotionally manipulative. He was trying to keep you under this thumb and he tried to do it again by guilting you for not loving him "as much as he loves you." Please. That is emotional blackmail, plain and simple. 

It's great that this is over. I had a hard time seeing what you love about this person, but you might want to reflect on your own definition of love. It sounds unhealthy and more like a fear of being alone. 

[ExpatInItaly]

6 hours ago, sadkoala said:

maybe my definition of love is unhealthy, but to me it means wanting to do anything to make the other person happy.

That is not love, necessarily. 

In your case with this guy, it is people-pleasing and wanting to do anything to keep someone from abandoning you. 

[sadkoala]

11 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

It's concerning and horrible that your main concern was "sparing his feelings", when at the same time THIS was how he was treating you.

I agree in hindsight.  He always treated me SO well when things were going good and there were no arguments. It was only when an argument arose that he turned into this "a**h***". It made me feel like I was dating two different people  

[sadkoala]

8 hours ago, glows said:

Right now it looks and sounds very much like you’re the parent and he’s the child. 

I think you nailed it... Oftentimes throughout the relationship, I felt more like a mother than a girlfriend. I loved him unconditionally like a mother loves their child. No matter how much he hurt and disappointed me, I always forgave him. Even now that we're broken up, I still feel like his mother  I cry and worry about him all the time... I wonder if he's doing okay, if he's eating and sleeping well, if his job search is going well, etc. 

[sadkoala]

7 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You need to pay closer attention to red flags in the future, OP. This was a gigantic one. 

You're right. I think the reason I ignored it is because of how well he treated me when things were going good. He was incredibly caring, affectionate, passionate, sentimental, and supportive when things between us were good. It was only when I brought up something negative about him or our relationship that his personality shifted 180 degrees into this "a**h***" side of him. The personality shift was so stark that it made me feel like I was dating two different people  and I loved the kind/loving version of him so so much and made myself believe that that version of him was the TRUE HIM (which was perhaps delusional of me). 

[glows]

4 hours ago, sadkoala said:

I think you nailed it... Oftentimes throughout the relationship, I felt more like a mother than a girlfriend. I loved him unconditionally like a mother loves their child. No matter how much he hurt and disappointed me, I always forgave him. Even now that we're broken up, I still feel like his mother  I cry and worry about him all the time... I wonder if he's doing okay, if he's eating and sleeping well, if his job search is going well, etc. 

It’s probably best to step back here and seek counselling if this is your reaction to him. Caring about someone is normal even after a break up. “Worry all the time” would concern me a lot. What’s triggering this strong worry for someone who is a grown adult? Hypothetical q here. You don’t have to know all the answers. I’d use this experience to do some soul searching.

Edited June 29, 2023 by glows

[Weezy1973]

20 hours ago, sadkoala said:

but to me it means wanting to do anything to make the other person happy.

This is more the definition of co-dependence. Look that up and see if it rings true. 
 

When you love someone, you do want them to be happy. But their happiness is their own responsibility. 

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, a sincere question: Have you had a boyfriend before?

[mtnbiker3000]

20 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

This is more the definition of co-dependence. Look that up and see if it rings true.

I was going to say attachment, but same principle... Also fear of abandonment?

[sadkoala]

On 6/30/2023 at 8:53 AM, ExpatInItaly said:

OP, a sincere question: Have you had a boyfriend before?

Yes, I've had two boyfriends before. Both relationships were toxic though and I never fell in love with either guy. The first was a terrible person (drug dealer, scammer, liar, cheater); and the second had depression/anxiety and often threatened to commit suicide... 

[sadkoala]

On 6/30/2023 at 3:20 PM, mtnbiker3000 said:

I was going to say attachment, but same principle... Also fear of abandonment?

I wouldn't be surprised. I think I definitely have some sort of issue that's holding me back from finding a healthy relationship :( 

[Wiseman2]

19 minutes ago, sadkoala said:

Yes, I've had two boyfriends before. Both relationships were toxic though and I never fell in love with either guy. The first was a terrible person (drug dealer, scammer, liar, cheater); and the second had depression/anxiety and often threatened to commit suicide... 

Hopefully therapy will help you figure out this pattern. 

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, sadkoala said:

I've had two boyfriends before. Both relationships were toxic though

I wondered that. 

It doesn't seem like you have a very healthy idea of what love is, and you form attachments to the wrong men. This latest is but another example. I hope you continue to stand firm, and demand better for yourself by not settling for low-quality individuals. 

[glows]

13 hours ago, sadkoala said:

Yes, I've had two boyfriends before. Both relationships were toxic though and I never fell in love with either guy. The first was a terrible person (drug dealer, scammer, liar, cheater); and the second had depression/anxiety and often threatened to commit suicide... 

Do you feel that you were in a caretaker role for these relationships as well?

You do deserve a healthy and loving relationship. I hope you know that.

[Weezy1973]

13 hours ago, sadkoala said:

I wouldn't be surprised. I think I definitely have some sort of issue that's holding me back from finding a healthy relationship

At the core of codependency is a feeling of low self worth. That is someone that doesn’t feel worthy of being loved for who they are, but instead for what they can do for someone else. 

[sadkoala]

11 hours ago, glows said:

Do you feel that you were in a caretaker role for these relationships as well?

The first boyfriend was actually quite independent (but he was a terrible person with a terrible heart). The second boyfriend definitely felt like a son, rather than a boyfriend (he was kind at heart)