In need of some advice.

[OM1233]

So I've (Man, 31 yo) been in couple with a girl (29 yo) for 3 years now. We're pretty different in many aspects (style, interests, jobs, etc) but we used to have a good time together, made each other laugh a lot, we liked to cook together, we had a great sexual chemistry too. Always thought she was a cool and beautiful girl but I gotta admit for me it wasn't love at first sight, it took me about 5-6 months to really fall in love with her. I'm a high school teacher, while her previous job was from 3PM to 3AM, 4 days a week. So we didn't see each other at all on week days, which left us a lot of time on our side before having a great time together on weekends.

We moved in together a year ago, everything was going fine. Then 2 months ago, she got a new job, working 5 days a week from 9 to 5. And for the last 2 months, I feel like our relationship has downgraded. Our time together won in quantity what it lost in quality. Now that we're together every night, I find that our differences come to the surface, we're less and less interested in each other and we don't have much to say to each other. We've also moved in to a new place at about the same time, in a smaller and more rural city, and the transition is difficult for me.

And..... there's also this girl I'm working with. Always thought she was cute, intelligent and nice, but since I was in a happy couple I never really paid attention. But for the last 3 months, we've been working together a lot more. The more I see of her, the more I'm amazed by how we fit together, how we have so much in common. There's a strong personal connection and I've never felt like this for any other girl before. I'm close to 100% sure she's interested in me too. I absolutely don't want to cheat on my girlfriend, so I won't do anything while I'm with her. Knowing my coworker, she also won't go any further with me while I'm in couple with someone else. 

It seems clearer and clearer to me that I want to move on. Still, I feel like a complete a**h*** just thinking of breaking up with my girlfriend, for whom I still care and want nothing but the best. Two weeks ago I tried to reason myself, thinking that I can't breakup with my girlfriend at the first sight of a problem with her. I talked to her and exposed the doubts I now have about the evolution of our relationship. She took it hard at first, she said she still love me more than anything else, we talked and cried a lot together and decided to try to arrange things up, to see if there is anything to be done. Now we try to give each other a bit more space and to improve our time together. Now I can't say it's going bad, but I don't feel like I'm sincere and honest with myself (and herself) doing this. And I just can't get my coworker out if my head. 

My girlfriend and I will leave in 2 weeks for a 3 weeks trip (it's been scheduled a long time ago). I feel like I should go and see how it goes, wether it will help our couple or not. Still, I have serious doubts and I would like some advice. Thanks in advance.

[S2B]

You don’t seem 100% in the relationship anymore. So I’d end it with her (and the vacation together).

since you’ve realized you aren’t a good fit - it’s not fair to continue with her.

I wouldn’t jump right into the next gal (coworker) give yourself some time to process the ending of this relationship first.

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, OM1233 said:

We moved in together a year ago, ..... there's also this girl I'm working with. 

Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately living together has just become a complacent convenience.

You've tried talking to her, perhaps out of guilt, but you seem to just be coasting along with one foot out the door already. How long is left on the lease?

Be kind to both of you and set yourselves free. Go on vacation, have a nice time but then discuss an exit plan. It's cruel to string your GF along especially at her age when she may want a family and commitment one day.

[MsMamma]

I think that new shiny things always clouds people's vision. 

The new shiny thing would be exciting for a while but eventually you'd have issues with her too, because no relationship is perfect. 

 

You need to evaluate where you are at in this relationship. It's easy to focus on the negatives when there is a prize for leaving. Did you feel this way before the other one popped into your peripheral vision really?  

Whatever the case  you will do what you'll do, I think you've made your decision already.

[glows]

Are you sure the coworker is single or would agree to date considering you’re working in the same place and seem to work closely together? Regardless you appear checked out and coasting in your currently relationship with wandering eyes. 

If you break up break up with solid reasons for yourself that this rl is going nowhere and you’ve outgrown one another. 

Id tread carefully on the workplace situation and don’t place any hopes on hooking up with the coworker any time soon. You don’t want to be using a coworker as a rebound and then begging your ex to take you back when things with the coworker fizzle out.

When you make your decision be firm and resolute and move on. Nothing wishy washy or back and forth and no regrets. Keep us updated.

[OM1233]

10 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately living together has just become a complacent convenience.

You've tried talking to her, perhaps out of guilt, but you seem to just be coasting along with one foot out the door already. How long is left on the lease?

Be kind to both of you and set yourselves free. Go on vacation, have a nice time but then discuss an exit plan. It's cruel to string your GF along especially at her age when she may want a family and commitment one day.

Tank you for your answer. There's no lease, my girlfriend earns more than me and has already bought something. So the new place is hers and she could still afford it by herself if I ever break up with her.

As for the family and commitment, she doesn't want children, but nonetheless of course she deserves someone who's 100% commited.

[OM1233]

4 hours ago, glows said:

Are you sure the coworker is single or would agree to date considering you’re working in the same place and seem to work closely together? Regardless you appear checked out and coasting in your currently relationship with wandering eyes. 

If you break up break up with solid reasons for yourself that this rl is going nowhere and you’ve outgrown one another. 

Id tread carefully on the workplace situation and don’t place any hopes on hooking up with the coworker any time soon. You don’t want to be using a coworker as a rebound and then begging your ex to take you back when things with the coworker fizzle out.

When you make your decision be firm and resolute and move on. Nothing wishy washy or back and forth and no regrets. Keep us updated.

Thanks, that was very helpful. Yeah my coworker's single and she seems into me. But you're 100% right, I shouldn't urge myself towards her. If I break up with my girlfriend it should be because I don't love her anymore, not in hope of being with someone else who'll naturally be less perfect than she appears at first (like every one of us). And I agree too on the need to be resolute. When my ex-girlfriend broke up with me 4 years ago, there was a lot of back and forth and false hopes, it was really hard for me. So if I decide to break up with my girlfriend, I won't do the same thing to her. As of now I'm still trying to see if there's anything more to do. I feel like our vacations will help to clear my view: either it doesn't go well and we break up, either we reconnect with each other and find our way to a new start.

Edited June 25, 2023 by OM1233
Missing word

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, OM1233 said:

 There's no lease, my girlfriend earns more than me and has already bought something. So the new place is hers and she could still afford it by herself if I ever break up with her.

That makes things a bit easier.  Please discuss that it's not working out. Be kind and don't mention anyone else, just use a variation of "it's me not you", because, well, it is you. Give her adequate notice, you can be amicable but don't offer to stay friends. Stringing her along as a security blanket isn't fair to either of you.

[FMW]

Go on the planned vacation and see how things go, see how you feel.  You've discussed your doubts, so she's aware your relationship is not on stable ground.  

Try to remove this other person from your evaluation of what to do.  It's much more likely your thoughts about her are a result of your dissatisfaction in your relationship with your girlfriend, rather than the coworker actually being something special.

[JTSW]

On 6/25/2023 at 5:21 AM, OM1233 said:

And..... there's also this girl I'm working with.

And there it is!

As I was reading, I knew another girl was going to pop up.

So your Gf isn't the issue, it's you and the hots you have for someone else.

I think you should read other posts regarding relationships with co-workers so you can understand why it would be such a bad idea.

You should never get involved with a colleague because if it didn't work out then it would get very awkward at work. 

[Els]

On 6/25/2023 at 2:21 PM, OM1233 said:

We moved in together a year ago, everything was going fine. Then 2 months ago, she got a new job, working 5 days a week from 9 to 5. And for the last 2 months, I feel like our relationship has downgraded

And..... there's also this girl I'm working with. Always thought she was cute, intelligent and nice, but since I was in a happy couple I never really paid attention. But for the last 3 months, we've been working together a lot more

Okay, with all due respect, this is really obvious. The reason why you're "losing interest" in your gf has nothing to do with your relationship, and everything to do with the fact that you developed a crush on someone else. The timeline is basically perfect - these two events happened within a month of each other, even though you've been with your gf for 3 years. I know you have intellectually come up with a list of reasons for why you lost interest in your gf 2 months ago, but the coincidence is FAR too strong to ignore.

So, what to do? Yes, it's possible for the vacation to bring you back together temporarily, since you won't be seeing the other girl during that time, and you'll be able to focus more on your gf. But what happens when you two come back, and you go back to working with the other girl?

I think the most likely thing that will happen is that you will break up with your gf, make a move on the coworker, and enter into a workplace fling. Then things will go sideways with the other girl in a short period of time once you two get to know each other better without the rose-colored goggles, and you're going to have to endure the workplace awkwardness. But I don't think there's anything that any of us can do to dissuade you from that. It's already quite clear what you intend to do, IMO.

 

[OM1233]

31 minutes ago, Els said:

Okay, with all due respect, this is really obvious. The reason why you're "losing interest" in your gf has nothing to do with your relationship, and everything to do with the fact that you developed a crush on someone else. The timeline is basically perfect - these two events happened within a month of each other, even though you've been with your gf for 3 years. I know you have intellectually come up with a list of reasons for why you lost interest in your gf 2 months ago, but the coincidence is FAR too strong to ignore.

So, what to do? Yes, it's possible for the vacation to bring you back together temporarily, since you won't be seeing the other girl during that time, and you'll be able to focus more on your gf. But what happens when you two come back, and you go back to working with the other girl?

I think the most likely thing that will happen is that you will break up with your gf, make a move on the coworker, and enter into a workplace fling. Then things will go sideways with the other girl in a short period of time once you two get to know each other better without the rose-colored goggles, and you're going to have to endure the workplace awkwardness. But I don't think there's anything that any of us can do to dissuade you from that. It's already quite clear what you intend to do, IMO.

 

Thanks for your answer. Frankly I don't think it's that simple. I didn't went into much details on this, but my relationship with my girlfriend did downgraded in many ways independently of my crush on my coworker. And the recent moving adds pressure to it since I find myself not liking the place at all while my girlfriend does and we also try to deal with this.

Still, you're right that there's no coincidence, clearly my interest for my coworker adds fuel to the fire. But I'm really hesitant, believe me I would already have left if I wasn't. And as I answered earlier, if I decide to break up with my girlfriend, I won't rush instantly for my coworker. I know full well that no relationships are perfect, I don't believe in fairy tales and I'm not either the kind to constantly jump from one girl to another looking for a new thrill. I'm genuinely torn between conflicting feelings.