I love my guy friend but I don't know how he feels about me

[catnip31]

Ok so, I recently just got a new supervisor at my job. He is the said guy friend in the title. I knew from the first time I met him that I was going to catch feelings. We're the same age, we have the same sense of humor, he is sweet and caring. Him and I get along so well. About a month ago, he suggested that we get our team together for an outing. On the night of the outing, only him, one other coworker and I showed up. The other coworker left after one drink but him and I stayed. During this time, he admitted that he wanted to ask out another woman at our job. She is another manager higher up than him. He was asking for my advice pretty much. I felt like my heart was shattered. I still wanted to be friends regardless because he is just an awesome dude, so I kept my mouth shut and we kept going out.

Fast forward to today, we have gone out to the bar multiple times just him and I. Every time we go out, we have such a good time. We laugh and play pool and get drunk. Gradually, we have gotten closer, and we tell each other about our lives and our struggles, etc. Just really personal stuff. Yesterday we had gone out again. This time was different, though. The whole time we were out, he only mentioned this other woman a couple of times. He kept saying to me that he thinks she's using him at our job and saying he doesn't think that she would want to do the fun things we do because she's so uptight. He also kept making stupid dirty jokes and looking at me up and down and just being overall flirty. There is a rumor going around our job that we are dating, and we keep calling each other "baby" "babe" "honey" etc. and just laughing about it. Eventually, after we were both pretty drunk, he says to me that his family keeps telling him to pursue me and then other people are telling him not to, and he keeps going on and on about it. I didn't say anything. At this point, we leave and we ride to my house together. The whole ride, he just keeps talking about how he doesn't know if he should see me as a sister or something more. I'm so f***ing confused at this point.

We get to my house, and he says that we can hang out for a little while and have a smoke before he leaves. He asks me if there is somewhere he can go to the bathroom, I asked him if he wanted to use my bathroom and he says yes. I told him I was going to run in and use it first but if he couldn't wait then there were bushes outside. So, I go the bathroom, he says he'll use the bushes. I come back outside and as soon as I sit down outside with him, he tells me he has to leave because he has to bring his grandma somewhere tomorrow. I'm like what? I thought you were hanging out for a little while. And then he goes on to say that it's not that he doesn't want to hang out, but he really has to go now. And in my head, I'm like ?? we literally just got here. He hops up, tells me he's going to leave his smokes and lighter with me. I can tell he's acting weird, so I say "go home, its ok" not in a mean or upset tone. And as he's walking away, he says, "I f***ed up" loud enough for me to hear and literally leaves like a bat out of hell. Today at work, we're acting like our normal jokey selves together.

I'm literally so confused. I don't know what to think. I love him, and I think he may have feelings for me too and is conflicted? Or am I just stupid?

[Alpacalia]

Your co-worker friend may have been feeling awkward and wanted to leave because he thought he was imposing or didn't want to make you feel uncomfortable. It's possible that he had a different idea about "hanging out" and changed his mind when he got there.

He may be coming to you for advice and perspective on his relationship with the other girl, topics he might not feel comfortable discussing with other male friends.

It is possible that he does have feelings for you, but it is also entirely possible that he just has a friendly way with you as his coworker and friend. Until you can get some more concrete evidence of him having feelings, it might be best to just operate under the assumption that he is just being friendly. By assuming he is just being friendly, you can maintain a good working relationship, without the added pressure of having to worry if he likes you or not. 

Until he says something, it's best to just continue being friends and seeing how it plays out.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

I would tread cautiously here. 

When a guy likes you, there will be no confusion in his mind. He won't need liquid courage to spill his thoughts. Unless and until he proprely asks you out, sober, I would keep some distance there. No more "joking" about being each other's babe/honey/and so on. It's giving you hope where they might not be any. 

Be professional at work, of course. But keep in mind that he evidently still likes someone else, and seems salty that she doesn't appear to return his affection. 

 

[Weezy1973]

I think you’re in a lose lose situation here. Clearly he’s not super interested in you, or else you’d be very clear about it. He might be interested in something casual, but that’s not what you want.

The woman he was interested in initially, are you and her similar? If she’s his “type” does it make sense for him to be attracted to you as well? 

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, catnip31 said:

 I recently just got a new supervisor at my job. 

Try to go to work and be polite and professional. You've already tried to seduce him, inviting him to your place and all that and it's not working. 

He's talking about other crushes at work and sees you as a kid sister. 

Try not to waste your time chasing uninterested men, especially men you work with in general and who are your supervisors in particular.

Focus on keeping your job and dating interested men outside of work. There's no point throwing yourself at this supervisor.

[NuevoYorko]

Frankly, this post was a little hard to read.  You are desperately throwing yourself at your supervisor.   This, and even just getting drunk regularly with ones supervisor (and a new hire, at that)  is really not ever going to be a good idea.  Not to mention the awkward conversations about the woman he's interested in, calling each other "babe," and your failed seduction attempt.

I'm not a person who is strongly against workplace romances, though I can't understand how or why someone would want to set up this dynamic when there is so much (your livelihood and your mental health at work, where you spend 40 or so of your waking hours per week)

It doesn't matter that he's participating - you are not going to end up in a good place if you keep this up, so IMO you need to stop your participation.  He definitely knows you're gaga over him and if he wants to take advantage of that, he knows what the next step is.  If he does take that step, I still think it does not bode well for a "happily every after" result, which I guess is what you're going for, and I would not advise it.   But, at least it would be "cleaner" than all this drinking, whacky talk at work, peeing in the bushes, sharing about the woman he actually likes etc.

[glows]

Sorry I don’t think there’s anything there. It sounds like he needs a distraction from a crappy life and is upset or jilted about his own work crush (the other supervisor). 

Keep the peace and starting revising your  cv for another job elsewhere. This one seems badly run and extremely unprofessional. Also, if the other female supervisor wishes not to socialize with you lot it is entirely up to her. Why would he say such nonsense about another coworker. I’d steer clear of this person. 

[catnip31]

2 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

Frankly, this post was a little hard to read.  You are desperately throwing yourself at your supervisor.   This, and even just getting drunk regularly with ones supervisor (and a new hire, at that)  is really not ever going to be a good idea.  Not to mention the awkward conversations about the woman he's interested in, calling each other "babe," and your failed seduction attempt.

I'm not a person who is strongly against workplace romances, though I can't understand how or why someone would want to set up this dynamic when there is so much (your livelihood and your mental health at work, where you spend 40 or so of your waking hours per week)

It doesn't matter that he's participating - you are not going to end up in a good place if you keep this up, so IMO you need to stop your participation.  He definitely knows you're gaga over him and if he wants to take advantage of that, he knows what the next step is.  If he does take that step, I still think it does not bode well for a "happily every after" result, which I guess is what you're going for, and I would not advise it.   But, at least it would be "cleaner" than all this drinking, whacky talk at work, peeing in the bushes, sharing about the woman he actually likes etc.

Thank you for your honest input, I needed it. He was actually the one who suggested going back to my place and was making comments about wanting to sleep with me. I guess that doesn’t really matter, though and was something you already mentioned. I think I need to distance myself from him and the whole situation.

[catnip31]

2 hours ago, glows said:

Sorry I don’t think there’s anything there. It sounds like he needs a distraction from a crappy life and is upset or jilted about his own work crush (the other supervisor). 

Keep the peace and starting revising your  cv for another job elsewhere. This one seems badly run and extremely unprofessional. Also, if the other female supervisor wishes not to socialize with you lot it is entirely up to her. Why would he say such nonsense about another coworker. I’d steer clear of this person. 

Yeah, I think you’re right. He isn’t in a great situation right now, and we vent to each other about it. My workplace is indeed very badly run and unprofessional. It’s just hard because him and I get along so well, and we always have so much fun together

[Alpacalia]

47 minutes ago, catnip31 said:

He was actually the one who suggested going back to my place and was making comments about wanting to sleep with me. I guess that doesn’t really matter, though and was something you already mentioned. I think I need to distance myself from him and the whole situation.

It's great that you recognize the importance of distancing yourself from him and the situation. That's the best way to ensure that he doesn't get the wrong idea. Sadly, him showboating about other women and suggesting his desire to sleep with you is a huge red flag. Sounds like he is looking for validation from other women and that could quickly turn into an emotionally draining situation for you.

Whichever the case is, staying away from him is your safest bet. 

As you pointed out, it doesn't necessarily matter in this case since you were already aware of the issue.

Edited June 26, 2023 by Alpacalia

[JTSW]

By what I read it's others that are seeing you as dating, not him.

People are trying to get into his head about you but he clearly doesn't feel that way about you.

He thought about it briefly but inevitably it's not what he wants.

The after work outings to get drunk need to stop or at least be cut down.

You need to keep some distance from him.

You need to be professional at work.

[glows]

21 hours ago, catnip31 said:

Yeah, I think you’re right. He isn’t in a great situation right now, and we vent to each other about it. My workplace is indeed very badly run and unprofessional. It’s just hard because him and I get along so well, and we always have so much fun together

It’s hard because you have a crush on him. To get out of this rut distance yourself and stay professional. Get out of that company asap. Word travels fast. Try getting more professional experience elsewhere. I’d avoid any more hangouts after work if you’re so confused about what’s going on and can’t seem to separate work and social. 

Continuing on this path is of your own doing. Learn to say no even when you want to say yes. In regards to this man, he’s a hot mess. Start reviewing your dating standards and date outside of work. If you feel lonely or want to make friends look at community events and make friends locally outside of work. 

[ShyViolet]

On 6/25/2023 at 12:38 AM, catnip31 said:

The whole ride, he just keeps talking about how he doesn't know if he should see me as a sister or something more. I'm so f***ing confused at this point.

 

This is not something a guy says to a woman he's really interested in.  This guy sounds lukewarm about you at best.  He's hanging out with you just for something to do.

This guy is your supervisor at work?  He doesn't sound emotionally mature enough to be a supervisor at a job.  This sounds like teenage behavior.

[Lotsgoingon]

It's clear he's not interested in you. 

That's OK. He doesn't think you're an ogre, but he's not interested. Look, a guy who is interested is going to trying to kiss you. He's not going to talking about what his Aunt Matilda and the rest of his family are telling to do. 

To you: look around at your job. There are people you like A LOT! ... who you have no romantic interest in. Or put it like this: you would have just a smidgen of curiosity about romance. But a smidgen of curiosity is not enough for serious dating. 

You saying you are confused is like me saying when I get to a red light, I'm confused. What are you confused about? He isn't interested!