Booted My Girlfriend Out for Disrespect?

[soulforge]

So guys just a little background on my situation.

I was dating a girl for 8 months. She is considerably younger than me. She is 25 and I am 45 years old.

It's been a very rocky 8 months. She can be quite a argumentative person and does have some masculine/aggressive streak to her, however many times she can be very sweet and loving too.

This biggest issue has been, her becoming argumentative over something that I might say. She doesn't do this everytime, however once every 2-3 weeks we end up having an argument.

 

Why did I boot her out of my house last night? Well couple of things have been building up that have lead to this.

 

First issue. Over the 8 months we was dating I was doing 95% of the initiating sex... Yes there was odd few times she would make the effort, but it's mostly me who made the sex happen.

This weekend, like most weekends she came to my house Friday night, however once she showered and sat on the sofa with me, within 2 hours she fell asleep. She then went upstairs to bed, got in bed back turned to me and went to sleep. She did say that goodnight, I love you before sleep, but NO sex.

In the morning I usually initiate sex, however on this occasion, I decided not to initiate, as I was already a little irritated that we didn't have sex last night, even though it's been 5 days since we last had sex, due to us only seeing eachother at the weekend.

I kinda find it frustrating when I have to do pretty much all the initiating or else we don't have sex.

 

So the following day (Saturday) we was sat around the dinner table about to have a meal. 

Something to consider before I continue.. My ex is addicted to social media, she is on Instagram, Snapchat, Facebook, and my other group chats. She is on her phone ALOT. 

It became a big problem and caused several arguments initially, as she would come to my house on the weekend, and then be on her phone ALOT.. I had to tell her Many times in the past to put her phone away.

Over the last couple of months, things did get better as she began pulling her phone out less.

 

Yesterday around the dinner table, I basically suggested that from here on we should avoid pulling phone's out while sitting around the table enjoying a meal. Personally I don't think it's healthy to be glued to our phones 24/7 the least we should do is enjoy a meal without social media involved.

Anyway she did not like my suggestion and started becoming argumentative. She twisted around what I said, and began telling me that I use my phone alot too. I explained that my issue isn't how much we use our phones, my issue is that we shouldn't keep going on social media around the dinner table. However she continued to argue with me.

By now I was feeling super annoyed and felt like she had spoiled our day together due to fighting with me. Then I was also annoyed that we are not even having sex.

Around an hour after the argument she came round and gave me a kiss, however she did not apologize or accept any wrong doing.

 

She actually hardly ever apologizes. We went out cycling for a few hours, then came back home. Within another hour we ended up arguing over something silly again. She kept going on, and I had to shut her down and tell her to chill before things get too out of hand.

Again the evening was spoilt with another argument. Just like before she gave me a kiss and held my hand for a few moment.

 

At this point I feel quite disheartened and absolutely fed up with all the arguments that me and her have. She then decided to go to bed, and again no sex! 

 

That's like the entire weekend with no sex and just a bunch of arguments.

 

Around 3am in the morning, she asked me to turn the music down a little as she couldn't sleep, so I did that.

 

I had been drinking Vodka all the time after she went to bed, as I was feeling upset and annoyed. I was quite tipsy! 

 

Anyhow she mentioned something about us not having sex, so I let it out of my system and told her straight that she isn't making any effort for the sex to happen and she keeps arguing for no reason.

 

Then we ended up in another big argument at 3am in the morning while I am drunk. I literally couldn't tolerate this crap any longer and I told her to leave my [ ] house. I was drunk and I knew things could get even more heated if she stayed and didn't go home.

 

She packed all her belongings, everything she keeps at my house, all her clothes and left.. 

 

I felt gutted for having to kick her out like that and I feel awful for it right now. We both said some hurtful things to each other.

 

I love her alot, but I can't take the arguing from her and especially can't deal with her making such a big argument out of a reasonable suggestion of not using phone's around the dinner table.

 

In my drunken state and my feeling at the time that I completely need to break away from this woman, I literally blocked her on everything.

 

Blocked her on WhatsApp, Facebook, and even blocked her from sending me a normal text message.

 

I feel gutted. I love her, but I can't see how this can work out, she drinks alot too, and too much social media.

Do I continue blocking her? Or is there any hope. I personally don't think it can workout between us.

 

 

Edited June 25, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, soulforge said:

 we ended up in another big argument at 3am in the morning while I am drunk. I literally couldn't tolerate this crap any longer and I told her to leave my Fvking house. She packed all her belongings, everything she keeps at my house, all her clothes and left..

Yes. Stay no contact and delete and block her from ALL your social media and messaging apps. It's seems like she's had it and done with this as well.

This is an inordinate amount of drama for 32 weeks dating. You're completely incompatible to the point of being toxic.

[soulforge]

Thank you. I do absolutely feel awful for telling her to leave. I was harsh about it.

 

Honestly it's been days of resentment building up, that lead me to eventually get angry and boot her out. The alcohol made things much worse.

 

Her not making any effort for us to have sex built resentment, her creating an argument over something I believe was a reasonable request to make added more resentment, her then arguing with me again on the very same afternoon was the last straw!

 

Then absolutely no apology. She did come over and give me a kiss, but a kiss is not an apology!

 

She has done this several times before, create an argument which got very heated, then give me a kiss later on.

 

It's like she can never apologize, which keeps building resentment.

I feel like hell right now. I do love this girl, and she is always talking about having children together, however this whole thing is becoming toxic!

The other problem is alcohol makes the situation or argument much worse than what it should be.

 

I honestly feel Terrible for completely blocking her on everything!

 

Should I unblock her?

[glows]

No. Don’t unblock and don’t contact her. What for? You don’t accept her for who she is.

What was she saying when you shut her down? Did you ask her how she was feeling when she came over on Friday? It’s quite presumptuous to expect sex automatically when your partner comes over. It sounds like you’re checked out and too annoyed with her to care what’s going on or how she’s feeling. There’s a good chance she’s also fed up of the way you don’t listen to her or shut down what she has to say. How can anyone feeling in the mood for sex when they don’t feel accepted or heard?

I agree with you that it’s rude to always be on the phone but that’s what you’re going to get with a mid-20s person! She sounds very typical and normal for that age.

That it got so heated you were afraid it was going to get worse and had to kick her out is no good - what did you think would happen? That it would become violent? Avoid the drinking to cope with anger and disappointment. She drinks but so do you apparently. 

Date someone more closely aligned to your values if you can’t stand constant phone use. I think that’s reasonable but you’re going to be hard pressed finding any 20- something who isn’t glued to social media or hooked on it. It’s very rare or next to impossible. Be more realistic please about your partners in future.

[soulforge]

11 minutes ago, glows said:

No. Don’t unblock and don’t contact her. What for? You don’t accept her for who she is.

What was she saying when you shut her down? Did you ask her how she was feeling when she came over on Friday? It’s quite presumptuous to expect sex automatically when your partner comes over. It sounds like you’re checked out and too annoyed with her to care what’s going on or how she’s feeling. There’s a good chance she’s also fed up of the way you don’t listen to her or shut down what she has to say. How can anyone feeling in the mood for sex when they don’t feel accepted or heard?

I agree with you that it’s rude to always be on the phone but that’s what you’re going to get with a mid-20s person! She sounds very typical and normal for that age.

That it got so heated you were afraid it was going to get worse and had to kick her out is no good - what did you think would happen? That it would become violent? Avoid the drinking to cope with anger and disappointment. She drinks but so do you apparently. 

Date someone more closely aligned to your values if you can’t stand constant phone use. I think that’s reasonable but you’re going to be hard pressed finding any 20- something who isn’t glued to social media or hooked on it. It’s very rare or next to impossible. Be more realistic please about your partners in future.

 

The sex situation has been an ongoing issue.. Every single weekend I Initiate the sex, on a few occasions I didn't initiate it, in the hope that she might make some effort, but she didn't.

 

I don't mind initiating sex, but it shouldn't ALWAYS be me, otherwise sex doesn't happen at all. You are only focusing on that one event yesterday and not the whole entire picture.

 

Also I agree social media/phones use is to be expected. Not only the young, but older people are attached to their phones... In-fact I use my phone quite abit as I have a YouTube channel, however I do not do social media, Facebook/Instagram etc.

My issue with her was not about curbing the amount of time she goes on her social media/phone, I haven't asked her to relax with that i months.

 

What I simply asked of her is, when I have cooked us a meal and we are sat at the table ready to eat, BOTH of us should avoid being on our phones, and we should enjoy the meal and have conversation. It's healthy to take a little break from our phones.

 

Why would she turn that into an argument? That's a reasonable request to make.

 

And I agree the alcohol did not help.. If alcohol was not involved then I don't think things would have gone this far.

But the resentment was brewing in me, and the arguments was constant. So this was the outcome!

[ExpatInItaly]

There is no hope, no. 

You two are fundamentally incompatible. The age difference matters here, given where you're both at in life, and it's clear you can't get along with each other. Your perspectives are totally different and you don't understand each other at all. 

It was time for this to end. 

[glows]

Yeah, alcohol seems to play a major role here in the way things fell out.

My guess is she doesn’t feel as emotionally attracted to you for some time. Sex doesn’t usually happen in relationships if there’s no emotional connection. There has to be some emotional bond there. Don’t just look at sex missing but the entire relationship which sounds full of arguments. I think you’re both too mismatched and your values don’t align, nor do your life experiences likely. 

She did try to talk to you or make amends later but you were too heavy into the vodka and at a point of no return. This is too messed up and look at stopping the drinking altogether if it’s become a thing where you’re always reaching for the bottle when things don’t go your way. You can’t put all the blame on her. 

I’d leave it for now, get your drinking under control and let her be the 20 something young adult she is. Stop trying to change her. 

[soulforge]

4 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

There is no hope, no. 

You two are fundamentally incompatible. The age difference matters here, given where you're both at in life, and it's clear you can't get along with each other. Your perspectives are totally different and you don't understand each other at all. 

It was time for this to end. 

I wish this wasn't the case, as I love her alot. She has a very caring/loving side to her too. Then there is her argumentative side.

I believe in trying to resolve problems in a relationship, however I don't think it can workout with her.

 

She also want to have children, and I can't imagine how messy that could become.

[soulforge]

18 minutes ago, glows said:

Yeah, alcohol seems to play a major role here in the way things fell out.

My guess is she doesn’t feel as emotionally attracted to you for some time. Sex doesn’t usually happen in relationships if there’s no emotional connection. There has to be some emotional bond there. Don’t just look at sex missing but the entire relationship which sounds full of arguments. I think you’re both too mismatched and your values don’t align, nor do your life experiences likely. 

She did try to talk to you or make amends later but you were too heavy into the vodka and at a point of no return. This is too messed up and look at stopping the drinking altogether if it’s become a thing where you’re always reaching for the bottle when things don’t go your way. You can’t put all the blame on her. 

I’d leave it for now, get your drinking under control and let her be the 20 something young adult she is. Stop trying to change her. 

 

She didn't try to talk to me afterwards. She didn't apologize for turning a simple request by me into an argument.

 

Yes she gave me a kiss later, however arguments/fights can't be resolved by a simple kiss. Sometimes I need to hear an apology.

And I don't expect apologies all of the time.. Just time to time when you really upset your partner, nothing wrong with a simple apology, otherwise resentment develops.

 

And off course I hate the fact alcohol was involved, as it makes me overeact which I believe I later at 3am in the morning. The problem is, if I had not sent her home, we might have continued fighting which could have got even more heated.

 

With anger, alcohol and emotions involved it's probably better we create some space!

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, soulforge said:

I wish this wasn't the case, as I love her alot.

That may be, but love isn't always enough. 

You two are not a match. 

[soulforge]

1 minute ago, ExpatInItaly said:

That may be, but love isn't always enough. 

You two are not a match. 

But are relationships not about trying to work things?

 

I honestly tried my best to work things out. I often bite my tongue and try not let things get out of hand.

 

I just got very annoyed with her reaction to my suggestion. Everything came to a boiling point because of the resentment building up.

 

I do agree with you it's very unlikely to work out 

[ExpatInItaly]

54 minutes ago, soulforge said:

But are relationships not about trying to work things?

Not when it's clearly too dysfunctional to continue, no. 

It's not normal to be arguing this much when you have only dated 8 months. The healthiest thing to do is recognize when it's time to let each other go. 

[soulforge]

51 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Not when it's clearly too dysfunctional to continue, no. 

It's not normal to be arguing this much when you have only dated 8 months. The healthiest thing to do is recognize when it's time to let each other go. 

I understand what you are saying. It's supposed to be the honeymoon period and not fighting on a regular basis.

 

We actually broke up only 5 weeks ago. I was at her house and we was trying to workout where we would be stopping the entire weekend.. Either her house or mine. I suggested one day at hers and the second day at mine.

She began complaining about how much travel that would be (15 minutes) and she doesn't want to do that, I asked her why not it's only 15 minutes. Things got a little heated and then she told me to "Shut [ ]Up! 

 

I was very upset about how she spoke to me, I let her know I would leave in the morning. She turned her back to me and went to sleep.

 

No apology at all.. First thing in the morning I left her house as she slept.

 

Couple of hours later I got a text message from he. Was it an apology?

 

Hell no.. She sent me a text telling me, that its best to END the relationship, especially because we didn't talk. Talk about what? Tell me to Shvt [ ] up.

 

Anyway I agreed with her on breaking up.. however the following day she began texting me,. Calling me wanting to work things out, on the promise she wouldn't act like that again.

 

I caved in and gave her the chance. And here we are 5 weeks later broken up again.

Edited June 25, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[MsJayne]

So, you want her around but you only want her around if she behaves exactly as you think she should, puts her 'phone away and pesters you for sex night and day. Yes, it's very rude to be on the 'phone at the dinner table, incredibly rude, but, being rude is her choice. Also, the acting like nothing happened by schmoozing around and giving you affection after an argument is very questionable behaviour, it's a form of gas-lighting. I don't think you did the wrong thing by telling her to leave, but the delivery didn't have to be abusive. As for the no-sex thing, that's what happens when men make women the subordinate in the relationship, the woman begins to feel 'less than' , and that's one of the best contraceptives available because it's a huge turn off.  Nothing shrivels libido quicker than some guy turning on the Father-Knows-Best behaviour.  All up, it sounds like you guys are totally incompatible. If you're going to date women so much younger than yourself you'll have to accept that many of them are social media addicted and that they have little to zero respect for older generations, and also, the vast majority of young women who go for an older guy are either a) a gold digger, or b) have developmental issues caused by a poor relationship with a father figure, (commonly known as daddy issues). You'll very likely get back together with this woman and continue on until the final train crash happens.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, soulforge said:

But are relationships not about trying to work things? 

Unfortunately you've tried. But it's devolved into a verbally abusive volatile on/off situation.  Know when to cut your losses. Especially before the neighbors call the police in the next drunken screaming match.  You seem to like nothing about her. Just a strange attraction to drama.

Edited June 25, 2023 by Wiseman2

[soulforge]

8 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately you've tried. But it's devolved into a verbally abusive volatile on/off situation.  Know when to cut your losses. You seem to like nothing about her.

 

If I liked nothing about her, I would be asleep right now, not caring about this situation and getting some rest.

The reason I joined this is because the break up is difficult because I very much do like her, I actually love her.

 

What makes it difficult is the fact that we get on fine for a good 2-3 weeks and then something kicks off like this.

 

The good times are really good times. 

She wants a family with me, children etc... This is exactly why I am taking all these issues we are having very seriously, as I wouldn't want to raise a family in a toxic household.

You are right though, this situation is rapidly becoming toxic.. I am definitely developing some resentments from the arguing and so is she.. Those resentments are not being properly resolved, so we hit a critical point every few weeks.

 

 

[ShyViolet]

2 hours ago, soulforge said:

But are relationships not about trying to work things?

Absolutely not.  Not when a relationship is this bad.  You need to have the wisdom to know when a relationship is not working and walk away.

She sounds like she almost has the maturity level of a teenager.  You are not compatible.

[LynneVicious]

A lot of the times, love isn’t enough. Age gap wouldn’t be a problem if your core values aligned…

Her being in her phone all the time because social media is important to her, whereas it’s not for you. 

When disagreements happen, she flies off the handle and becomes disrespectful. It’s impossible to communicate issues when someone can’t communicate because they’re defensive and immature. 

The sex thing: the way you’ve written it, you sound entitled to have sex. You’re not. It would be more reasonable to talk with her about it and find out the issue as to why she doesn’t want to have sex when you do. Either way, your sex drives are incompatible. Either she’s low drive or she doesn’t feel that connection with you. It’s on you to read the room and wonder why she doesn’t have sex with you. Instead, it seems you expect sex and when you don’t get it, your resentment builds and you lash out at her. 

Yes, you have some really good times and may love each other, but as an outsider looking in and as someone who isn’t emotionally invested, you seem incompatible in every aspect. It’s like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. 

Seems like it would be best to keep rhe no contact and when you’re healed, find someone you are compatible with. 

[basil67]

10 hours ago, soulforge said:

This weekend, like most weekends she came to my house Friday night, however once she showered and sat on the sofa with me, within 2 hours she fell asleep. She then went upstairs to bed, got in bed back turned to me and went to sleep. She did say that goodnight, I love you before sleep, but NO sex.

First up, I want to agree that she behaved very badly about suggesting a device free dinner.    And I very much understand you being frustrated about her rarely initiating sex.  

However, I find the quoted piece troubling.  Are you familiar with the modern definition of consent?  it's described as "enthusiastic participation".  Your girlfriend was so tired that she fell asleep on the lounge.  And then fell straight asleep in bed.  Yes, it would have been disappointing, but given she was clearly drowsy (and maybe also a bit drunk??), why would you even imagine that she might be up for a good romp?  At best, you would have received unenthusiastic participation.  

Staying up and getting drunk and then throwing her out at 3am is a disgraceful action and suggests that you need to address your alcohol use.  Nothing short of her being violent or abusive in the moment justifies asking someone to drive home at 3am

Honestly, it sounds to me like both of you have some significant issues and it's best that this relationship has ended.  But do use this time to learn from your own mistakes here

 

[Alpacalia]

Drinking and social media use are dealbreakers for you, and if you can't move beyond them, then the relationship is over.

From your perspective, it's perfectly reasonable to minimize phone use during meals. She reacted poorly to how you communicated. This sounds like an overreaction to a reasonable request not to use her phone, and your comments escalated things. Instead of calling out her excessive phone use, a more subtle approach might have worked. That you're enjoying the opportunity to chat with her and you'd appreciate the chance to have a meaningful mealtime conversation.

Your descriptions sounds reasonable, but it came across more as a criticism than an observation. You also set her up to “prove” she was using her phone by pointing out that she was on social media all the time. If you had expressed your feelings in a more diplomatic manner instead of putting her on the spot, you probably wouldn't have upset her.

She seemed under a lot of pressure to do something that was not comfortable for her. By not initiating sex and then disputing the phone usage, it appears that you were blaming her for the lack of sex. This is unfair and unnecessary. It might have felt like she wasn't respected and her choices were taken away. This explains why she became distant and resentful, making intimacy more difficult.

Her drinking and social media use are not big problems to her, and she is not trying to address it. In addition, it seems like she wants you to initiate sex all the time, and there have been multiple arguments over the last 8 months. At this point, it would be appropriate to end the relationship and continue to block her. You may still have feelings for her, but it doesn't seem like things are going to be able to work out with the issues you're facing. It sounds like it would take a lot of work from both of you to make it work. Sorry.

Edited June 26, 2023 by Alpacalia

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, with due respect, you're too old for this sort of immature nonsense in a relationship. 

And I say that someone around your age (I'm 42) I can't imagine getting caught up in this sort of toxicity. What have your previous relationships been like? 

[soulforge]

7 hours ago, basil67 said:

First up, I want to agree that she behaved very badly about suggesting a device free dinner.    And I very much understand you being frustrated about her rarely initiating sex.  

However, I find the quoted piece troubling.  Are you familiar with the modern definition of consent?  it's described as "enthusiastic participation".  Your girlfriend was so tired that she fell asleep on the lounge.  And then fell straight asleep in bed.  Yes, it would have been disappointing, but given she was clearly drowsy (and maybe also a bit drunk??), why would you even imagine that she might be up for a good romp?  At best, you would have received unenthusiastic participation.  

Staying up and getting drunk and then throwing her out at 3am is a disgraceful action and suggests that you need to address your alcohol use.  Nothing short of her being violent or abusive in the moment justifies asking someone to drive home at 3am

Honestly, it sounds to me like both of you have some significant issues and it's best that this relationship has ended.  But do use this time to learn from your own mistakes here

 

I want clarify they my issue isn't that she fel asleep and we didn't have sex.

 

It's more about this happening on a regular basis and we only have the weekend together. If we don't have any intimate time together to bond the. It's another 5-7 days till we see eachother again. From my perspective we have a good sex life, but it gets tiresome for me to make it happen all the time with very little effort from her.

 

Also this.. I actually quit drinking alcohol months ago for my girlfriend. She comes from a family of heavy drinkers and herself drinks alot or alcohol.

 

I am a very active person with lots of healthy habits. Gym, fitness, running etc.

 

The only time I have alcohol is on a Saturday night and I barely drink any.

This particular weekend I drank more because I was upset from all the arguments, I normally don't have anything more than two drinks. When my girlfriend decided to go to bed without me, I was on my own downstairs and decide to have a couple of drinks too many.

 

I absolutely feel bad about telling her to leave, I did offer her money and Uber, but we was arguing again at 3am in the morning, I was drunk. By her staying and us continue to argue things could have gotten much worse 

 

In some way it's better there was space between us

[soulforge]

6 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

Drinking and social media use are dealbreakers for you, and if you can't move beyond them, then the relationship is over.

From your perspective, it's perfectly reasonable to minimize phone use during meals. She reacted poorly to how you communicated. This sounds like an overreaction to a reasonable request not to use her phone, and your comments escalated things. Instead of calling out her excessive phone use, a more subtle approach might have worked. That you're enjoying the opportunity to chat with her and you'd appreciate the chance to have a meaningful mealtime conversation.

Your descriptions sounds reasonable, but it came across more as a criticism than an observation. You also set her up to “prove” she was using her phone by pointing out that she was on social media all the time. If you had expressed your feelings in a more diplomatic manner instead of putting her on the spot, you probably wouldn't have upset her.

She seemed under a lot of pressure to do something that was not comfortable for her. By not initiating sex and then disputing the phone usage, it appears that you were blaming her for the lack of sex. This is unfair and unnecessary. It might have felt like she wasn't respected and her choices were taken away. This explains why she became distant and resentful, making intimacy more difficult.

Her drinking and social media use are not big problems to her, and she is not trying to address it. In addition, it seems like she wants you to initiate sex all the time, and there have been multiple arguments over the last 8 months. At this point, it would be appropriate to end the relationship and continue to block her. You may still have feelings for her, but it doesn't seem like things are going to be able to work out with the issues you're facing. It sounds like it would take a lot of work from both of you to make it work. Sorry.

 

I think because you are reading something I have posted, it's difficult for you to fully grasp my thoughts.

Me requesting that we have device free meals together, wasn't actually aimed at her. It's was aimed at ME

 Both of us in the past have had our devices at the dinner table. 

I simply suggested that both of us in the future should try to have a nice meal and conversation without devices. I actually specified clearly this isn't aimed at you, it's just that I think we should get away from our phones on the odd occasion.

 

She then turned this into an argument 

 

[soulforge]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

OP, with due respect, you're too old for this sort of immature nonsense in a relationship. 

And I say that someone around your age (I'm 42) I can't imagine getting caught up in this sort of toxicity. What have your previous relationships been like? 

My previous relationship have never been toxic.

I think me getting drunk and upset that night was due to a build up several other things going wrong.

 

Only 5 weeks ago we broke up, because during a little disagreement she Bagan swearing at me... I left her home because I didn't want to be talked like that. She didn't apologize instead she ended the relationship. Later she pleaded for us to work it out and I caved in.

[ExpatInItaly]

Just let this go. 

This is a crazy amount of drama and it means you two are never going to work out.