Borderline Personality Disorder and the battle with myself

[seeyoung87]

I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder at the age of 35.  It's hard for me to establish healthy relationships.  Especially when it comes to men.  I want a relationship, but I'm also conflicted as to if that is something I need.  I worry that I'll end up alone.  I try to fill my time up with working.  Sometimes working 70+ hours a week.  When I'm off and alone with my thoughts it's a nightmare for me.  I can replay a situation in my head multiple times a day.  Thinking of how I could've not messaged first or called first.  Then beat myself up thinking now this person may think I like them or I come off so desperate.  I'll delete a contact's number as though it wipes away what was already done.  

[Lotsgoingon]

OK, so sorry to hear of the condition. It's a tough condition. One of my exes had a version of BPD.

Here's the little I know. DBT Dialectical Behavioral Therapy seems to be the most frequently recommended treatment for people with BPD. But there are other approaches as well. And in my experience, the therapist can't be separated from the therapy. In other words, a mediocre or bad therapist can't create healing with a technique just because the technique is sound. The skill of the therapist always matters as does your connection and bond with the therapist. 

Translation: if you don't like the person and feel that they are really sharp, you go to another therapist. Also medication can help. Part of DBT involves group therapy as well as individual therapy. With all conditions, one of the key foundations is de-shaming yourself. Shame undermines all treatment. Every condition gets worse when shame and self-rejection. 

No, you don't "need" a relationship. But it's enough that you want a relationship. You don't need to visit a country you've dreamed of visiting your entire life--it's enough that you want to go there. Likely going to the country or having a relationship will be fulfilling. 

Heads up: if you have BPD, you definitely want to continue the therapy as you begin dating. Lots of symptoms and anxieties and fears will jump up once you start dating. And so, you heal yourself as you experience your feelings AND show forgiveness to yourself and do the exercises of the therapy.

The bottom line really is that if you want to build friendships or a romantic relationship, you pretty much have to go therapy. Or else you'll get lost in those mind ruts that you describe. What you want to learn in therapy is how to feel those initial feelings, get stuck in the rut for a bit, then learn how to come out and reassure yourself and keep going. And part of your therapy will be learning how not to be totally defeated when you get stuck in a rut longer than you wanted. Sometimes you will still panic, but you will learn how to not panic about your panic, how not to attack yourself because you feel panic.

Mindfulness might also be good. I would say the field knows more about how to help people with BPD more than it ever has. That's the good news. 

 

 

[seeyoung87]

1 hour ago, Lotsgoingon said:

OK, so sorry to hear of the condition. It's a tough condition. One of my exes had a version of BPD.

Here's the little I know. DBT Dialectical Behavioral Therapy seems to be the most frequently recommended treatment for people with BPD. But there are other approaches as well. And in my experience, the therapist can't be separated from the therapy. In other words, a mediocre or bad therapist can't create healing with a technique just because the technique is sound. The skill of the therapist always matters as does your connection and bond with the therapist. 

Translation: if you don't like the person and feel that they are really sharp, you go to another therapist. Also medication can help. Part of DBT involves group therapy as well as individual therapy. With all conditions, one of the key foundations is de-shaming yourself. Shame undermines all treatment. Every condition gets worse when shame and self-rejection. 

No, you don't "need" a relationship. But it's enough that you want a relationship. You don't need to visit a country you've dreamed of visiting your entire life--it's enough that you want to go there. Likely going to the country or having a relationship will be fulfilling. 

Heads up: if you have BPD, you definitely want to continue the therapy as you begin dating. Lots of symptoms and anxieties and fears will jump up once you start dating. And so, you heal yourself as you experience your feelings AND show forgiveness to yourself and do the exercises of the therapy.

The bottom line really is that if you want to build friendships or a romantic relationship, you pretty much have to go therapy. Or else you'll get lost in those mind ruts that you describe. What you want to learn in therapy is how to feel those initial feelings, get stuck in the rut for a bit, then learn how to come out and reassure yourself and keep going. And part of your therapy will be learning how not to be totally defeated when you get stuck in a rut longer than you wanted. Sometimes you will still panic, but you will learn how to not panic about your panic, how not to attack yourself because you feel panic.

Mindfulness might also be good. I would say the field knows more about how to help people with BPD more than it ever has. That's the good news. 

 

 

Thank you for all that you've suggested and for taking the time to reply.  I'm currently seeing a therapist and hope to find healthier coping mechanisms.  

[Alpacalia]

It is good to know that you are on the right track towards a less chaotic life. Congratulations. You will eventually get to where you want to be, but there will always be some turmoil along the way. The nature of personality disorders makes them chronic by definition. Sadly, there will be no quick fixes, but I hope you enjoy the process of self-discovery even though it will be painful at times.

Have you thought about the other kinds of self-care and activities apart from working so much that help you find joy and fulfillment? What else do you enjoy? It sounds like you're really hard on yourself and your time off can also be spent when you can find productive and healthy activities that bring you joy and relaxation too. Make sure to set aside time for yourself to decompress and do activities that make you feel good.

Hang in there, work with your medical professionals, and have faith that you will be able to cultivate a life that is more calm and manageable. Remember, small, consistent steps are better than an impulsive and too fast approach. Give yourself some grace - be gentle and kind to yourself as you go through this process.

I know you're concern in relationships, mainly with romantic relationships. A lot of people struggle with this too, so you're definitely not alone. Relationships can still be unpredictable and messy at times. 

My advice would be to focus on improving yourself and understanding yourself more rather than searching for someone to 'complete' you. When you start to gain insight into yourself, one day the right person may come into your life. Understand that relationships, even if nurturing and loving, will still have conflict and even chaos at times, but also have the potential for beauty and healing. 

Good luck and all the best to you!

Edited June 25, 2023 by Alpacalia

[Wiseman2]

People change with time and so does their mental and physical health. Healthcare as well evolves with better diagnostics and treatment.

Have you considered seeing a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health? Perhaps it's time to reevaluate where you are at this point. Get some tests done. 

Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support and feedback. 

[Lotsgoingon]

Great you're seeing a therapist. But are you seeing someone who has extensive experience with Borderline Personality?!

BPD requires some specific skills that not all therapists have. Is your therapist doing DBT or Acceptance and Commitment Therapy? Are you in a group as well as doing individual work? The reason group work can be so helpful is because people with this condition get triggered in interacting with folks. So the group interactions can be healing. Plust the deshaming element. You see someone else with the same or similar struggles. You realize that person has dignity and is likable. So you can then transfer that warmth to yourself. 

Hopefully therapy is going great. But if you are in therapy, be sure to take all your worries there. Take all your fears there. And if you make a move to date and you stuck in a mind rut, report to the therapist and that experience becomes your launching pad for finding a way to give yourself more peace. Again, a killer of good therapy is hiding and feeling embarrassed and ashamed. Which prevents people from walking into the therapist's office and proclaiming, "hey, I was miserable in doing X this week." I wasted time in therapy once by not fully opening up to the person. 

 

 

[seeyoung87]

11 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

It is good to know that you are on the right track towards a less chaotic life. Congratulations. You will eventually get to where you want to be, but there will always be some turmoil along the way. The nature of personality disorders makes them chronic by definition. Sadly, there will be no quick fixes, but I hope you enjoy the process of self-discovery even though it will be painful at times.

Have you thought about the other kinds of self-care and activities apart from working so much that help you find joy and fulfillment? What else do you enjoy? It sounds like you're really hard on yourself and your time off can also be spent when you can find productive and healthy activities that bring you joy and relaxation too. Make sure to set aside time for yourself to decompress and do activities that make you feel good.

Hang in there, work with your medical professionals, and have faith that you will be able to cultivate a life that is more calm and manageable. Remember, small, consistent steps are better than an impulsive and too fast approach. Give yourself some grace - be gentle and kind to yourself as you go through this process.

I know you're concern in relationships, mainly with romantic relationships. A lot of people struggle with this too, so you're definitely not alone. Relationships can still be unpredictable and messy at times. 

My advice would be to focus on improving yourself and understanding yourself more rather than searching for someone to 'complete' you. When you start to gain insight into yourself, one day the right person may come into your life. Understand that relationships, even if nurturing and loving, will still have conflict and even chaos at times, but also have the potential for beauty and healing. 

Good luck and all the best to you!

Thank you.   I'm trying to find what brings me joy more than what brings me joy in the moment.  I'm a pessimist so it's difficult.  Mindfulness is something I'm working on.  Thank you for all your advice and positivity. 

[seeyoung87]

8 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

People change with time and so does their mental and physical health. Healthcare as well evolves with better diagnostics and treatment.

Have you considered seeing a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health? Perhaps it's time to reevaluate where you are at this point. Get some tests done. 

Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support and feedback. 

Luckily I have very good insurance.  I'm currently seeing both a therapist and psychiatrist.  I saw my primary physician not so long ago.  My psychiatrist diagnosed me with borderline personality disorder and major depressive disorder.  There's such a stigma with mental health.  Just typing it all out makes me nervous.  

[seeyoung87]

5 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Great you're seeing a therapist. But are you seeing someone who has extensive experience with Borderline Personality?!

BPD requires some specific skills that not all therapists have. Is your therapist doing DBT or Acceptance and Commitment Therapy? Are you in a group as well as doing individual work? The reason group work can be so helpful is because people with this condition get triggered in interacting with folks. So the group interactions can be healing. Plust the deshaming element. You see someone else with the same or similar struggles. You realize that person has dignity and is likable. So you can then transfer that warmth to yourself. 

Hopefully therapy is going great. But if you are in therapy, be sure to take all your worries there. Take all your fears there. And if you make a move to date and you stuck in a mind rut, report to the therapist and that experience becomes your launching pad for finding a way to give yourself more peace. Again, a killer of good therapy is hiding and feeling embarrassed and ashamed. Which prevents people from walking into the therapist's office and proclaiming, "hey, I was miserable in doing X this week." I wasted time in therapy once by not fully opening up to the person. 

 

 

I actually hadn't thought about seeing a therapist who specializes in it.  Just because I feel so comfortable with my therapist.  I worry about group therapy because of my job.  I'm a police dispatcher.  I love my job, but I complain a lot about my job as well.  With group therapy.  I know this sounds crazy, but I worry I'll be complaining about a call or situation and that person will be in the room.  I know it's a far out there thought.  Maybe I'm just trying to talk myself out of it.  

[basil67]

I'm wondering how healthy it is for you to be in a job where you're complaining a lot.  I mean, not everyone loves their job, but if you're complaining so much that you worry about discussing a call someone may make, it's probably time for a change.  

And kindly, who are you complaining to?  When we complain a lot, it can wear other people down.  In the past, my husband listened to me complain about a job for a while and then told me it had gotten to be too much and that I need to either get a new job or stop complaining.   And he was right....it's not fair on others to unload all our stuff on them, so I stopped doing it.

Might be something to discuss with your therapist  

[Alpacalia]

I understand that having a job can be both a blessing and a curse. It can offer financial stability and create a sense of purpose, but it can also be exhausting and overwhelming. Working extra hours should be a choice, not a necessity.

You're using extra work to distract yourself from feeling lonely and overwhelmed, and then using that as a reason for avoidance.

This is a cycle that you need to break.

Especially since you mention being a pessimist. Now, it may not be that you're a true pessimist. As a police dispatcher, your job tends to bring a more cynical and cautious outlook on life.

People in high-pressure professions often experience this.

I encourage you to consider attending group therapy, even if it means forgoing a few extra hours of work. It could be the best thing for your mental health. Plus, it's alright to take a break from your job for a little while. It could be the perfect opportunity to refocus and come back feeling more energized and motivated.

Of course, it's ultimately up to you and your therapist to decide together if group therapy is something that would beneficial to you or not. The most important thing is to make sure you're doing what feels right for you in the moment and not to feel pressure to do something you don't feel ready for.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, seeyoung87 said:

Luckily I have very good insurance.  I'm currently seeing both a therapist and psychiatrist.  I saw my primary physician not so long ago.  My psychiatrist diagnosed me with borderline personality disorder and major depressive disorder.  

This is excellent. Stick with the care you're getting. All you can do is employ some lifestyle changes to help reduce stress otherwise. 

[seeyoung87]

1 hour ago, Alpacalia said:

I understand that having a job can be both a blessing and a curse. It can offer financial stability and create a sense of purpose, but it can also be exhausting and overwhelming. Working extra hours should be a choice, not a necessity.

You're using extra work to distract yourself from feeling lonely and overwhelmed, and then using that as a reason for avoidance.

This is a cycle that you need to break.

Especially since you mention being a pessimist. Now, it may not be that you're a true pessimist. As a police dispatcher, your job tends to bring a more cynical and cautious outlook on life.

People in high-pressure professions often experience this.

I encourage you to consider attending group therapy, even if it means forgoing a few extra hours of work. It could be the best thing for your mental health. Plus, it's alright to take a break from your job for a little while. It could be the perfect opportunity to refocus and come back feeling more energized and motivated.

Of course, it's ultimately up to you and your therapist to decide together if group therapy is something that would beneficial to you or not. The most important thing is to make sure you're doing what feels right for you in the moment and not to feel pressure to do something you don't feel ready for.

Thank you.   My psychiatrist has brought up group therapy in the past.  I'm often quick to dismiss it.  You may be right.  Just writing on this platform felt a little like group therapy.  I appreciate everyone's responses. 

[seeyoung87]

3 hours ago, basil67 said:

I'm wondering how healthy it is for you to be in a job where you're complaining a lot.  I mean, not everyone loves their job, but if you're complaining so much that you worry about discussing a call someone may make, it's probably time for a change.  

And kindly, who are you complaining to?  When we complain a lot, it can wear other people down.  In the past, my husband listened to me complain about a job for a while and then told me it had gotten to be too much and that I need to either get a new job or stop complaining.   And he was right....it's not fair on others to unload all our stuff on them, so I stopped doing it.

Might be something to discuss with your therapist  

I complain to my coworkers.  We all vent.  I do see your point.  I love my job.  Just sometimes you need to vent about it.  

[Lotsgoingon]

I know this sounds crazy, but I worry I'll be complaining about a call or situation and that person will be in the room.  I know it's a far out there thought.  Maybe I'm just trying to talk myself out of it.  

Well yes and no. When we're afraid, we pretty much can call up any reason to justify not participating in something. Most people going to therapy for the first time, and making the call to set up the appointment or sitting in the waiting area for the first time. What if I know someone!? What if someone sees me?!!!! That all passes.

These days people in groups are great at giving heads-up and trigger warnings ... and the therapist will insist on confidentiality. And let say you did handle one of the group member's phone calls?! So what the eff?! They're gonna drop dead in the meeting? They're gonna pass out? They're going to blame you for their friend/relative being sick or needing help? I've been to group meetings with prosecutors, therapists (as patients!), choir directors, ministers, doctors, lawyers, millionaire business people who owned well-known local businesses. People talk about their mood and their relationships. I don't remember a single interesting detail about any of these people's jobs--other than the pressures of the job or long hours. 

Let the therapist reassure you on this one. 

The chances you're going to run into a person who called dispatch is like a 100 million to 1. BTW: I twice ran into people I encountered at my job. People I interacted with a lot. I became kinda buddies with one of them. They were there for the same reason I was there at the support group. We bonded! 

Anyway, you sound really open minded. Remember, often just a little improvement and support can bring about big changes. And you don't need to be perfect. No one is, to really create more relationships that you want. 

[basil67]

8 hours ago, seeyoung87 said:

I complain to my coworkers.  We all vent.  I do see your point.  I love my job.  Just sometimes you need to vent about it.  

Ah yes, if you and coworkers are expressing frustration and supporting each other in a high stress environment, this is normal and healthy.    It would only get to the unhealthy level if you're complaining "a lot" to those outside the job.   Complaining "sometimes" to those outside is fine too  

If you were in a group situation, would you really need to speak in specifics about particular calls?  Instead, could you do broad comments about common issues?  That would remove any potential offense.  

Edited June 26, 2023 by basil67