where to go from here

[ShylaA040404]

Hi everyone. I am 37F married to my husband 43M for 13 years, together for 17. I am in need of advice about my situation and am hoping people can offer their experience and thoughts. Apologize in advance for the very long post.

We have three children that are all under 10. My husband and I met when we were both fairly young. We both work full time and are on a good track career wise. He suffers from depression which was diagnosed when he was a young teenager, but it typically is well controlled. I would say the entire time we have been together there have maybe been 5-6 bouts of severe depression which were not too lengthy, although very personally hard for him and for me.

We had our kids fairly close together such that when we had our youngest son our oldest was not even four yet. During the time I was pregnant with our youngest and after I had him we were not having sex very often. As my husband was very unhappy about this, according to him, it precipitated a very severe depressive episode. Because of this and because we were both generally unhappy, after our son was born we went to marriage counseling for a few years and things seemed to improve, especially during the pandemic. Our kids are older now and there is more time for intimacy and to spend time with each other. However, for the past couple of months or so my husband has been completely checked out of parenting and our marriage and really our lives altogether. The kids and I function as a four person team and my husband is somewhat of a loner. We have maintained an active sex life because through counseling I was able to learn how important this is to him. Nonetheless, my husband has once again entered a major depressive episode for which he is currently in outpatient therapy and on medicine.

He tells me that our marriage, and only our marriage, is causing his depression. That no matter what he cannot be happy with me because we lack the "sexual connection" that he desires. That the only thing that can pull him out of his depression is this "sexual connection" with someone else, but he is 100% sure he can't find it with me. He is resentful of the times when our kids were young and I did not make time for him and cannot get over that. He says that we are very compatible in a lot of ways but he just can't be happy in our marriage. He doesn't even necessarily want to get divorced right now, he just wants to go have sex with other people and find this "connection" he is so desperately seeking as it is the only thing (in his mind) that can pull him out of his depression.

From my end (and I have expressed all of this to him), I don't want to end the relationship. I love him and care about him and think he is having a midlife crisis and depressive episode and desperately seeking "something". It is hard for me to take him seriously because depending on a marriage or sex with other women to cure depression doesn't work. He refuses to increase his meds or do any more serious therapy because again, he is 100% sure our marriage is the cause and only cause. I should also mention that he views divorce and our potential relationship if we get divorced in a way that is unrealistic, such as saying that he will always be there for me no matter what and hopes that we can be together as a family (even though divorced) a lot and that divorce will make the relationship between he and I better and stronger.

I'm at a loss of what to do. I am not ready to give up on our marriage, although I acknowledge it might very well be a hopeless situation. We have talked about it a lot, and he is considering whether he can actually be present in our marriage and give it a real try to see if it will work so we don't have to give up the life that we have built together. While we are working through that, I wanted to see if anyone has been in a similar situation and has any advice. Much appreciated!

[Ageless Wisdom23]

It appears you both never really dated many nor maybe anyone else but each other and now he is feeling he is missing out on something.  It happened in my own family.  But my sister ended up divorcing him and staying on at the house as a room mate like. Good Friends only.   And the guy from her past whom she truly only Loved, Died.  I know you would not like it if he went out and fooled around.  I am not seeing this make him happy.  Perhaps he is depressed and needs to be on meds.  If he never would return to the 🤕man you used to Know, You both might decide to just stay and be room mates.  Yes, He does hold resentment as he has said and is living  a lot in the past.

[ShylaA040404]

40 minutes ago, Ageless Wisdom23 said:

It appears you both never really dated many nor maybe anyone else but each other and now he is feeling he is missing out on something.  It happened in my own family.  But my sister ended up divorcing him and staying on at the house as a room mate like. Good Friends only.   And the guy from her past whom she truly only Loved, Died.  I know you would not like it if he went out and fooled around.  I am not seeing this make him happy.  Perhaps he is depressed and needs to be on meds.  If he never would return to the 🤕man you used to Know, You both might decide to just stay and be room mates.  Yes, He does hold resentment as he has said and is living  a lot in the past.

I agree with you, I especially did not date a lot before I met my husband. He had definitely had more experience than me. I do appreciate hearing your perspective based on your experience and you are right, he is depressed and is on medication. It just does not appear to be working right now.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, ShylaA040404 said:

.He tells me that our marriage, and only our marriage, is causing his depression. That no matter what he cannot be happy with me because we lack the "sexual connection" that he desires. That the only thing that can pull him out of his depression is this "sexual connection" with someone else, but he is 100% sure he can't find it with me. 

Sorry this is happening. Please don't accept an open marriage or his explanation that his depression is solely caused by needing to have sex with others. 

Is it possible he's cheating?  He seems to have a good libido for someone who is supposedly morbidly depressed. I'm sure you realize it's preposterous that his depression is caused by needing sex with women other than you.

Please don't focus on his mental health. He has healthcare providers for that. Focus on protecting yourself and your children. 

Please see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Get some tests done including STD testing. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. Discuss your husband's checked out behavior and blaming you for his depression because he wants sex with others. Do not tell your husband. 

Please also consult an attorney for support, advice and information about your options in the event of a divorce. Do not tell your husband or threaten divorce. Simply inform yourself. 

Please take care of yourself and your children primarily. 

Edited June 26, 2023 by Wiseman2

[ShylaA040404]

14 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Please don't accept an open marriage or his explanation that his depression is solely caused by needing to have sex with others. 

Is it possible he's cheating?  He seems to have a good libido for someone who is supposedly morbidly depressed. I'm sure you realize it's preposterous that his depression is caused by needing sex with women other than you.

Please don't focus on his mental health. He has healthcare providers for that. Focus on protecting yourself and your children. 

Please see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Get some tests done including STD testing. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. Discuss your husband's checked out behavior and blaming you for his depression because he wants sex with others. Do not tell your husband. 

Please also consult an attorney for support, advice and information about your options in the event of a divorce. Do not tell your husband or threaten divorce. Simply inform yourself. 

Please take care of yourself and your children primarily. 

Thank you for this. I needed to hear it. I definitely don't accept his explanation and I have told him as much, we just vehemently disagree with each other on that. Right now, he can barely get out of bed or off the couch and is not really leaving the house other than to pick up kids or go to the doctor, so if he is cheating, I would be a little surprised although I'm not naïve enough to believe its impossible. And yes, I do plan on consulting an attorney just so I can be prepared and do what is best for my and my children no matter what path we take going forward. 

 

[JTSW]

10 hours ago, ShylaA040404 said:

He doesn't even necessarily want to get divorced right now, he just wants to go have sex with other people and find this "connection" he is so desperately seeking as it is the only thing (in his mind) that can pull him out of his depression.

So he's asking permission to cheat?

I'm sorry but he using his depression to validate his wanting to cheat.

Absolutely not!

If my husband said this to me my response would be to ask for a divorce.

There Is no way I could tolerate this.

[ShylaA040404]

8 hours ago, JTSW said:

So he's asking permission to cheat?

I'm sorry but he using his depression to validate his wanting to cheat.

Absolutely not!

If my husband said this to me my response would be to ask for a divorce.

There Is no way I could tolerate this.

I've made it clear I am 100% against him being with other women. That's not something I am open to. Honestly, part of the process of writing this out for me is to help me face reality. On the one hand, I hate to break up our family, our marriage and our life together for this huge decision he is making while he is mentally ill. On the other hand, I need to face reality and protect myself and my kids as best I can.

[Acacia98]

OP, to me it sounds like your husband is already checked out of the marriage and has been for a long time. It seems possible that you lost him when you two started having kids because he saw himself as being in competition with the kids. I imagine he was resentful because they demanded your attention and time, which he had once been able to monopolize. It sounds like he's not wired to give much to others emotionally. So I don't imagine he will ever become the great husband you hope he can be. All that stuff he says about its being your fault that the marriage is not working and your inability to meet his sexual needs is calculated to make you feel responsible for everything that goes wrong and to get him what he wants: the capacity to have his cake and eat it (sex with whoever plus a loyal wife sitting in some corner, waiting for him to come back if he chooses to).

To me, what really clinches it is the fact that he has no desire to consider changing his medication/dose or undergoing additional therapy to see if they will help him. If he doesn't care enough to want to try in those ways, then yours is a one-sided relationship and you should probably let him go.

[JTSW]

13 hours ago, ShylaA040404 said:

I've made it clear I am 100% against him being with other women. That's not something I am open to. Honestly, part of the process of writing this out for me is to help me face reality. On the one hand, I hate to break up our family, our marriage and our life together for this huge decision he is making while he is mentally ill. On the other hand, I need to face reality and protect myself and my kids as best I can.

You are not breaking up the family hun, he is.

He has stated that he doesn't feel the connection in your marriage so the only viable option is divorce.

Your kids will still have the both of you no matter what.

[ShylaA040404]

9 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

OP, to me it sounds like your husband is already checked out of the marriage and has been for a long time. It seems possible that you lost him when you two started having kids because he saw himself as being in competition with the kids. I imagine he was resentful because they demanded your attention and time, which he had once been able to monopolize. It sounds like he's not wired to give much to others emotionally. So I don't imagine he will ever become the great husband you hope he can be. All that stuff he says about its being your fault that the marriage is not working and your inability to meet his sexual needs is calculated to make you feel responsible for everything that goes wrong and to get him what he wants: the capacity to have his cake and eat it (sex with whoever plus a loyal wife sitting in some corner, waiting for him to come back if he chooses to).

To me, what really clinches it is the fact that he has no desire to consider changing his medication/dose or undergoing additional therapy to see if they will help him. If he doesn't care enough to want to try in those ways, then yours is a one-sided relationship and you should probably let him go.

Thanks for your advice, I really appreciate it.