Middle aged heartbreak

[kermit_jagger]

I’m trying to determine how much hope I should be holding out. I’m thinking very little but I wanted to run it past others who have been in similar situations. 
 

I’m in my mid 40s, my ex gf is in her early 40s. We both have kids from prior relationships. She gets along well with her coparent, I have some drama with mine but it has been improving steadily. We met almost two years ago and got in great with a strong connection at every level. We started blending families last year and it felt like we were starting to become our own new family. 
 

She had been struggling with stress and anxiety earlier this year and she broke up with my out of the blue in February. I think some aspects of our relationship were giving her stress and out of everything in her life, I was the thing that had to go. I think she is also pretty avoidant due to childhood abandonment trauma that she talked about. 
 

She wanted to be friends afterwards but abruptly ended all communication via text a few days later asking for space. I was ok for a while (was truthfully in shock) but ended up having a meltdown with a lot of begging and pleading for a few days in early April. I regret it but I realized that she was the first woman I have ever loved unconditionally and a lot of my prior trauma (my parents both dying relatively young being a big one) came out. She told me to stop harassing her via email and I’ve been in NC for almost 3 months now. 
 

I’ve made great strides since then. I just finished my first 5K, I’m volunteering, making new friends, and even dating here and there (just coffee dates without an expectation of any relationships or intimacy). I feel like I’m getting to a better place but I still want this woman in my life at some level. We both were deeply in love with one another and acknowledged that what we had was healthy and special. I know she has lots of struggles, as do I. I’m not going to wait for her but I’m wondering if her reaching back out is still a reality, given her avoidant tendencies. 
 

thank you!

[Wiseman2]

53 minutes ago, kermit_jagger said:

she broke up with my out of the blue in February. I think some aspects of our relationship were giving her stress 

It's great you're talking care of yourself. Breakups are never really out-of-the-blue. What were the conflicts and issues about?  You must have some idea what issues in the relationship were causing stress. Have any of those issues resolved? 

[kermit_jagger]

7 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's great you're talking care of yourself. Breakups are never really out-of-the-blue. What were the conflicts and issues about?  You must have some idea what issues in the relationship were causing stress. Have any of those issues resolved? 

Well, I was going through a tough custody battle with my ex (we’re already divorced and I was going for 50/50) at the time and lawyer fees had pretty much wiped me out financially. I was still a good partner to her but I’ll admit that my stress level was high and my attentiveness to her may have been lower than it should have been for a few months. And I know she was under a lot of stress of her own for which I tried to be supportive. 
 

She knew my situation was only temporary and it’s gotten much better since then. She always talked about how she wished we had met a little later on. I’m just wondering if too much damage has been done with my begging after the breakup. But we rarely argued and there were no issues that I would deem unfixable. We truly did love each other very much and things just went a little sideways at the end. 

Edited June 26, 2023 by kermit_jagger

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, kermit_jagger said:

. I’m just wondering if too much damage has been done with my begging after the breakup. But we rarely argued and there were no issues that I would deem unfixable. We truly did love each other very much and things just went a little sideways at the end. 

Trying to reconcile didn't damage anything.  It was unfortunately the situation with your ex. Hopefully that's resolved. Please step back and give her space. That's all you can do. 

[kermit_jagger]

13 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Trying to reconcile didn't damage anything.  It was unfortunately the situation with your ex. Hopefully that's resolved. Please step back and give her space. That's all you can do. 

Thanks. Yes, I’ve pulled back the last 3 months and I won’t contact her again unless she reaches out. She’s a great woman and I love her very much. I’d love to reconnect but if not I just want her to be happy. 
 

and yes, custody has been sorted, finances are good, and my ex wife and I are in coparenting counseling. All good there. 

Edited June 26, 2023 by kermit_jagger

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, kermit_jagger said:

I’m just wondering if too much damage has been done with my begging after the breakup

No, that's not the straw that broke the camel's back. 

What happens after the break-up rarely makes a difference to the final outcome. It's what led to the break-up that counts, so don't beat yourself up over begging her to reconsider. It wasn't the best looks but it was also not that relevant to where you are now. 

3 hours ago, kermit_jagger said:

We both were deeply in love with one another

But this was not the case for her any longer, if she broke up with you. It hurts, I know, but this changed for her somewhere along the way and her feelings were evidently not the same anymore. 

3 hours ago, kermit_jagger said:

I still want this woman in my life at some level.

Will you still feel this way when she starts dating someone else? It doesn't sound like you're at all ready to be friends yet, which is perfectly okay. You need to be honest with yourself about how much it would sting to resume contact only to later find out she's met a new man. I think the emotional cost of keeping her in your life will be too high, and it doesn't appear she wants the same thing anyway. 

You're on the right path with your healing. Continue this, and try not to indulge unrealistic ideas of staying in each other's lives. 

[kermit_jagger]

5 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

No, that's not the straw that broke the camel's back. 

What happens after the break-up rarely makes a difference to the final outcome. It's what led to the break-up that counts, so don't beat yourself up over begging her to reconsider. It wasn't the best looks but it was also not that relevant to where you are now. 

But this was not the case for her any longer, if she broke up with you. It hurts, I know, but this changed for her somewhere along the way and her feelings were evidently not the same anymore. 

Will you still feel this way when she starts dating someone else? It doesn't sound like you're at all ready to be friends yet, which is perfectly okay. You need to be honest with yourself about how much it would sting to resume contact only to later find out she's met a new man. I think the emotional cost of keeping her in your life will be too high, and it doesn't appear she wants the same thing anyway. 

You're on the right path with your healing. Continue this, and try not to indulge unrealistic ideas of staying in each other's lives. 

I guess the hardest part was how sudden it was. Just a few weeks before the break she gave me a framed picture of us and the kids together. It was one of the nicest gifts I’ve ever received. So I do tend to think whatever happened was somewhat sudden and not a case where she fell out of love gradually over time. I think it was situational where the stress of the moment led her to be overwhelmed. 
 

I actually think it would be easier at this point to find out she was with someone else. I’ve done 90% of the grieving I’ve needed to do and the thought of her with someone else doesn’t bother me much anymore. I’ll eventually find someone else too. I’m not saying we would need to be best friends but getting together at a playground occasionally so the kids can play is my hope.

[ExpatInItaly]

55 minutes ago, kermit_jagger said:

I’m not saying we would need to be best friends but getting together at a playground occasionally so the kids can play is my hope.

How do you suppose this would sit with respective new partners? Meeting an ex for a playdate with the kids? 

All I'm saying is that it's best to let go of these sorts of hopes. Maybe someday you two will get to that point, maybe not. It's best not to hold your breath for it lest you be even more disappointed if it never happens. 

Keep your mind towards healing and closing this chapter. 

[kermit_jagger]

10 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

How do you suppose this would sit with respective new partners? Meeting an ex for a playdate with the kids? 

All I'm saying is that it's best to let go of these sorts of hopes. Maybe someday you two will get to that point, maybe not. It's best not to hold your breath for it lest you be even more disappointed if it never happens. 

Keep your mind towards healing and closing this chapter. 

Thank you. Yes I will make sure to keep moving forward. It’s been 11 weeks of no contact and I’m greatly improved. 
 

As far as having contact when she is with another partner, I don’t think that would be a big deal eventually provided we are both in other relationships. We were both pretty secure in our relationship and both kept in contact with other exes as friends. I’m not going to hold my breath but I would love if that could happen someday. This was all pretty abrupt for the kids as well. 

[ExpatInItaly]

9 minutes ago, kermit_jagger said:

As far as having contact when she is with another partner, I don’t think that would be a big deal eventually provided we are both in other relationships. We were both pretty secure in our relationship and both kept in contact with other exes as friends.

No, it's not about if you or she would be okay it. My point is that new partners might not be okay with that.  Meaning, she may meet a new boyfriend who would not be comfortable with her meeting an ex for a playdate with the kids. 

Whose feelings do you think she would prioritize? 

Surely you can understand why new partners might feel very differently about you wanting to hang out with an ex, too. 

11 minutes ago, kermit_jagger said:

This was all pretty abrupt for the kids as well. 

Even more reason not to enterain ideas of all of you hanging out together again someday. That is usually too confusing and hurtful to the kids involved. 

[kermit_jagger]

3 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

No, it's not about if you or she would be okay it. My point is that new partners might not be okay with that.  Meaning, she may meet a new boyfriend who would not be comfortable with her meeting an ex for a playdate with the kids. 

Whose feelings do you think she would prioritize? 

Surely you can understand why new partners might feel very differently about you wanting to hang out with an ex, too. 

Even more reason not to enterain ideas of all of you hanging out together again someday. That is usually too confusing and hurtful to the kids involved. 

All valid points. Thank you.