Considering divorce

[UnhappyDad]

Hi everyone,

I am currently in open relation and considering divorce.

My wife and I are married for 12 years now with 2 kids. Few months ago I offer her a choice of trying Open relationship for the family or a divorce and we both leans toward open relationship. But now I rather have a divorce.

The trigger of the problem is sex, but the root is much deeper. Last few years we only had sex 3 times a year. This year she lost alot of weight and have increased libido. Demanding sex every other day and multiple rounds. As she's unsatisfied she keep asking if she can get sex worker to satisfy her. She also threaten to leave the family as "the kids are not mine anyway"

My kids are IVF babies with donated eggs as my wife eggs were unhealthy. But she gave birth to them. She threatened to leave us many times when we have a fight. But I usually chalk it off as emotional outburst. But this time I had enough as I think sex problems are too minor to threaten to leave the family.

So this time I offer her an out. Of course she cries and shocked that I respond seriously. But she agreed and took a few weeks of to do soul searching overseas.

I took care of the kids when she was away and everything is fine under my watch. I am the sole income earner, my wife was full housewife and hasnt work or earn money since getting married. But she didnt do much around the house as she hired multiple housekeeper to take care of the kids.

Once she's back and take back her duties of the kids. I see how badly shes handling it. The kids are always late to school because she take hours to do makeup etc. Whenever we go on family holiday she focus on her happiness and the kids are 2nd priorities.

I really dont see much merit in being married to her for the sake of the kids, seeing shes not even "the real mother" as she puts it.

My reason for not divorcing is more about family image and drama avoidance. I think the love is no longer there. I also worried about her safety as she constantly threatened about suicide if she has nothing worth living.

Our relationship had been rocky for years and I bottle up her toxic putdown and verbal attacks on me and families. But now I really dont want to be married anymore.

But maybe I just needed to rant, maybe I dont have the courage to take the final step. As i dont want to cause my kids any pain...

[Wiseman2]

13 minutes ago, UnhappyDad said:

. Few months ago I offer her a choice of trying Open relationship for the family or a divorce and we both leans toward open relationship. But now I rather have a divorce. My wife was full housewife and hasnt work or earn money since getting married. 

Sorry this is happening. The best thing you can do is privately and confidentiality consult an attorney for information support and advice on your situation in the event of divorce.

You've tried everything thing else from a disasterous attempt at an open marriage to trying other unsuccessful maneuvers to avoid divorce.

If she is suddenly hypersexual and suicidal, there is a lot to reflect on regarding her mental stability and the welfare of your children.

Please stop arguing about "real kids" that's degrading nonsense if the children are legally both of your children.

Edited June 27, 2023 by Wiseman2

[UnhappyDad]

9 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. The best thing you can do is privately and confidentiality consult an attorney for information support and advice on your situation in the event of divorce.

You've tried everything thing else from a disasterous attempt at an open marriage to trying other unsuccessful maneuvers to avoid divorce.

If she is suddenly hypersexual and suicidal, there is a lot to reflect on regarding her mental stability and the welfare of your children.

Please stop arguing about "real kids" that's degrading nonsense if the children are legally both of your children.

Thanks you for the reply. The kids are both geneticly mine but i wouldnt care if they're not. I love them to death. It's the fact thats they're not geneticly hers that was brought up constantly by my wife as her excuse of wanting to leave.

[glows]

Sex is often a huge issue in relationships and bonds couples. That you seemed to minimize that or dismiss her needs would appear to make things worse. Of course she feels trapped and wants to get away from you. I am very sorry about the open relationships: this is not how open relationships work. They require a high degree of mutual respect and understanding between all parties. There are too many resentments and a lot of anger here. At least that’s what I’m sensing. She doesn’t trust you and vice versa. 

It seems fair that you want a divorce but divorce should have been discussed way before it got to this type of resentment. Look at local support and say NO to societal shame and be less involved in what other people think about you in regards to divorce. There are plenty of help groups or dig deep and start asking yourself what you’d like to see more in your life. 

I was like you when I was getting divorced and it’s very normal to be afraid of what others think. Stop kowtowing to other people’s ideals. It’s your life. You don’t owe a single explanation either to nosy and rude individuals.

You seem in tune with your kids so focus on them and being a good father. Do not put your kids in the middle of any arguments or complain about each other to any of them. Work on yourself please as a person and speak with a lawyer. Don’t speculate about any legal issues.

[Will am I]

1 hour ago, UnhappyDad said:

My wife and I are married for 12 years now with 2 kids. Few months ago I offer her a choice of trying Open relationship for the family or a divorce and we both leans toward open relationship. But now I rather have a divorce.

The trigger of the problem is sex, but the root is much deeper.

I don't think an open relationship is an alternative to a divorce.

Probably it could be, if sexual incompatibility is the only issue.

But making an open marriage successful will require a very high skill level in terms of boundaries, communication and empathy for your spouse's needs and feelings. Given what you write about deeper issues than sex, I don't feel how opening up the marriage would make things better. Add miscommunication and jealousy and it's just going to hurt more.

 

1 hour ago, UnhappyDad said:

Last few years we only had sex 3 times a year. This year she lost alot of weight and have increased libido. Demanding sex every other day and multiple rounds. As she's unsatisfied she keep asking if she can get sex worker to satisfy her.

So she went from almost asexual to hypersexual. That's a big change. Is this only a weight loss thing? Talk to her. Search other and deeper reasons.

Do you have a problem with your libido? Can you reach a frequency which makes you both happy?

1 hour ago, UnhappyDad said:

She also threaten to leave the family as "the kids are not mine anyway"

My kids are IVF babies with donated eggs as my wife eggs were unhealthy. But she gave birth to them. She threatened to leave us many times when we have a fight. But I usually chalk it off as emotional outburst. But this time I had enough as I think sex problems are too minor to threaten to leave the family.

That is outright toxic behaviour. 

Also the fact that she'd consider walking out of children she carried and gave birth to, indicates that she may have some deeper issues.

1 hour ago, UnhappyDad said:

So this time I offer her an out. Of course she cries and shocked that I respond seriously. But she agreed and took a few weeks of to do soul searching overseas.

The "overseas" part may not be the best idea. Because separation is pretty much a preamble to divorce. And I think that before splitting up you two might have a lot to talk about and a lot of mutual understanding to gain.

You write about how she is, but she must have her reasons (and she may like it if her husband took a greater interest in her and tried to understand het POV).

1 hour ago, UnhappyDad said:

I took care of the kids when she was away and everything is fine under my watch. I am the sole income earner, my wife was full housewife and hasnt work or earn money since getting married. But she didnt do much around the house as she hired multiple housekeeper to take care of the kids.

Once she's back and take back her duties of the kids. I see how badly shes handling it.

Do you carry around resentment for this? Do you feel that you have been pulling the weight of the family alone?

1 hour ago, UnhappyDad said:

The kids are always late to school because she take hours to do makeup etc. Whenever we go on family holiday she focus on her happiness and the kids are 2nd priorities.

I really dont see much merit in being married to her for the sake of the kids, seeing shes not even "the real mother" as she puts it.

My reason for not divorcing is more about family image and drama avoidance. I think the love is no longer there. I also worried about her safety as she constantly threatened about suicide if she has nothing worth living.

Our relationship had been rocky for years and I bottle up her toxic putdown and verbal attacks on me and families. But now I really dont want to be married anymore.

But maybe I just needed to rant, maybe I dont have the courage to take the final step. As i dont want to cause my kids any pain...

I think your wife in in desperate need of a therapist. I am picking up signals of immaturity and bad attitude, bit also very real psychological problems such as possible depression and trauma. I don't want to put labels on someone I only read about for 5 minutes, but it is clear that she is struggling with mental health issues.

 And the two of you could use another therapist too, if you want to improve your communication and get closer to her heart.

[Ageless Wisdom23]

See a 😒Good Lawyer so you can get everything fairly done.  And co parenting as well with the kids.  Life should go on and everyone happier.  This is toxic.

[Els]

4 hours ago, UnhappyDad said:

Few months ago I offer her a choice of trying Open relationship for the family or a divorce

I'm really confused here. How did we arrive at this ultimatum again? Is it because there was too little sex for you over the past few years, or is it because there was too MUCH sex for you this year?

[UnhappyDad]

4 hours ago, Els said:

I'm really confused here. How did we arrive at this ultimatum again? Is it because there was too little sex for you over the past few years, or is it because there was too MUCH sex for you this year?

She started the conversation of seeing a sex worker for her needs first. And I thought we might as well take it further. But the trigger is she wanting to leave the family.

[UnhappyDad]

7 hours ago, Will am I said:

I don't think an open relationship is an alternative to a divorce.

Probably it could be, if sexual incompatibility is the only issue.

But making an open marriage successful will require a very high skill level in terms of boundaries, communication and empathy for your spouse's needs and feelings. Given what you write about deeper issues than sex, I don't feel how opening up the marriage would make things better. Add miscommunication and jealousy and it's just going to hurt more.

 

So she went from almost asexual to hypersexual. That's a big change. Is this only a weight loss thing? Talk to her. Search other and deeper reasons.

Do you have a problem with your libido? Can you reach a frequency which makes you both happy?

That is outright toxic behaviour. 

Also the fact that she'd consider walking out of children she carried and gave birth to, indicates that she may have some deeper issues.

The "overseas" part may not be the best idea. Because separation is pretty much a preamble to divorce. And I think that before splitting up you two might have a lot to talk about and a lot of mutual understanding to gain.

You write about how she is, but she must have her reasons (and she may like it if her husband took a greater interest in her and tried to understand het POV).

Do you carry around resentment for this? Do you feel that you have been pulling the weight of the family alone?

She was highly sexual when she was younger then lost the libido after the kids. But the issue is more of she wants things instantly whenever she wants it regardless of the other party. This is more than just about sex, its also when planning holiday etc

The overseas trip was to see her sister who had multiple divorces to see if its a better way. She came back decided not to divorce as her sister is worse off. It was only 2 weeks trip.

Our problem started long before, she threatened to leave and suicide multiple times before. But i always calm her down, we see marriage councellor, she sees theraphist for depression. Nothing really change, I'm just too tired this time.

I dont carry resentment for her not working but i am unhappy shes not puling her weight as a housewife. 

[JTSW]

19 hours ago, UnhappyDad said:

Shes not even "the real mother" as she puts it.

A judge wouldn't see it that way.

She gave birth to them therefore she is their mother.

Speak with a lawyer and definitely divorce this woman who only cares about herself.

Custody shouldn't be an issue seeing as she doesn't care about them anyway.

They are already suffering because she always making them late for school.

Divorce her and get custody then serve her for child support.

[Will am I]

20 hours ago, UnhappyDad said:

She was highly sexual when she was younger then lost the libido after the kids.

I think it’s quite common. So many young moms are overwhelmed by the life changes and self changes. The role, the responsibility, the expectations, the way kids can drain your energy, the lack of time spent among adults, the stress, the changes to body and hormones, it must be a lot to deal with. 

Then after some years they find some new equilibrium and they start rediscovering themselves. Hence the weight loss, the reignited libido etc.

I think the years inbetween are often challenging for the husbands and the marriages. 

20 hours ago, UnhappyDad said:

But the issue is more of she wants things instantly whenever she wants it regardless of the other party. This is more than just about sex, its also when planning holiday etc

Reappears the longing for intimacy, this should be a lovely time in your marriage.

But in your case it triggers very adverse feelings instead.

Frankly: you don’t seem to like your wife. You may love her but it seems you don’t like her.

20 hours ago, UnhappyDad said:

Our problem started long before, she threatened to leave and suicide multiple times before. But i always calm her down, we see marriage councellor, she sees theraphist for depression. Nothing really change, I'm just too tired this time.

I dont carry resentment for her not working but i am unhappy shes not puling her weight as a housewife. 

A suicide threat to one’s spouse counts as abuse. If she repeatedly did that to you and she never truly repented and apologized from it, it’s a good explanation for resentment.

Also your statement on “not pulling her weight as housewife” speaks of resentment.

 

I believe it’s best to let go of the resentment over her sloppiness as a housewife. Give her a break, this was just a hard time for her.

I believe you have to zoom in more on her abusive side and the resentment that has created.

[UnhappyDad]

An update on our situation

After a few round of couple theraphy we agreed on separation. We'll live separate life but married on paper.

I wanted a clean divorce She wanted to stay married so separation is the middle path. I told my parents on our situation, so I no longer have the burden of keeping secret and pretending everything is fine.

I am now a fulltime dad, enjoying the extra time with the kids. wife will be free to do whatever she wants. But at least the kids will be on better hand.

Maybe something will change later on but for now its good enough.

Thanks everyone.

[Weezy1973]

Not sure how old the kids are, but keeping your wife’s contact with them to a minimum is a positive here. I think ultimately divorce and seeking full custody of the kids is probably the best option and shouldn’t be too hard to get since you’re now the primary caregiver.

Once divorced, you can hopefully date again and show your kids what an emotionally healthy woman and functional relationship looks like. 

[Will am I]

@UnhappyDadI’m sorry to read you weren’t able to pull it through as a couple.

I do have my doubts about the idea of staying married but living separately. Shouldn’t there be a financial barrier between two people who do not live in one family unit?

 

Divorce typically costs more than half of all you own. Maybe it’s more like 70%. But it gives you something priceless in return: a firm financial barrier between your ex spouse and yourself. While you’re still married she can effectively take 100% and more. No judge can tell her not to run up a credit card bill on a card that you are liable to.

Personally I would never accept unlimited liability to anyone other than the spouse I live with. 

 

 

[UnhappyDad]

2 hours ago, Will am I said:

@UnhappyDadI’m sorry to read you weren’t able to pull it through as a couple.

I do have my doubts about the idea of staying married but living separately. Shouldn’t there be a financial barrier between two people who do not live in one family unit?

 

Divorce typically costs more than half of all you own. Maybe it’s more like 70%. But it gives you something priceless in return: a firm financial barrier between your ex spouse and yourself. While you’re still married she can effectively take 100% and more. No judge can tell her not to run up a credit card bill on a card that you are liable to.

Personally I would never accept unlimited liability to anyone other than the spouse I live with. 

 

 

I live in a developing country with different divorce law thats not as woman centric as the west, so I can get out with very low financial cost. But money is not really a concern at the moment.

 

A full divorce might drive her to commit Self harm or worse, that's not gonna be good for the kids.

[glows]

Who is financing her lifestyle or who is she living with now? Did you buy her another house and continue to finance her living arrangements and needs? I read she has no career or particular skill set aside from maybe make up.

[Will am I]

It seems her situation is generally troublesome.

The big question over the next few months is whether she’s the type that revels in being the troubled person, or the type that takes responsibility for their situation.

[UnhappyDad]

8 hours ago, glows said:

Who is financing her lifestyle or who is she living with now? Did you buy her another house and continue to finance her living arrangements and needs? I read she has no career or particular skill set aside from maybe make up.

I will still pay for everything. I already bought her properties as we have prenubs.

Currently still under one roof and still negotiating living arrangement. She might move out. Or I might if it comes to that.

[glows]

2 hours ago, UnhappyDad said:

I will still pay for everything. I already bought her properties as we have prenubs.

Currently still under one roof and still negotiating living arrangement. She might move out. Or I might if it comes to that.

These arrangements are more common than one might think. If you’re both able to work it out this way with minimal disruption to the kids and you have an understanding I’m glad to hear it. This is the price you’re paying to avoid stigma of divorce and social judgment mostly from what I’m reading. Some women may even be ok with it if you choose to date in the future but the typical modern woman would reject the idea. I’m sure that’s not something you’ll be able to tolerate or accept. Cross one bridge at a time. It would be smart to have a lawyer advise you privately.