My Husband Cheated and Confessed but now I am trying to decide my next move

[AmandaCali]

My husband of 10 years has been having an affair for the past 2 months. We recently moved back to Manhattan. My husband had moved a month ahead to set up our home before our daughter and I arrived. He also had work. Within this time he met this woman, randomly. While shopping for groceries at Zabars. 

My husband and I were on our date night, the first one we have had  since moving. Our marriage has always been good. Never any infidelity, or even suspecting. We have great conversations, he is a wonderful husband. A wonderful provider. A wonderful father to our daughter. I think because of these things, I should not just run to the divorce attorney. My husband sat me down and said he had to tell me something. That he had [messed] up. He had called off the relationship,  he told her he loved me and he would tell  me everything. I believe he was honest with me. He didn't have to confess anything to me. I didn't suspect anything. He came home from his day at the office and kissed our daughter and sat down to dinner and I never questioned anything. This is also why I am a bit worried, if I don't run to the divorce attorney, will I regret it? Is he a good liar?  I find myself questioning things I have never questioned before. 

He and I are both Professionals and it was  a bit hectic and stressful before we relocated back to NY.  We didn't  have much time for each other. We were working insane hours. NY was a blessing.  I think my husband strayed because we were far apart emotionally. This stress was high, it was a crazy time. Not that I'm condoning him cheating, but. I know this is often the cause! 

My reaction was shock and disbelief. I left him alone in the restaurant,  when he arrived home. He was remorseful. He was apologizing, and upset. It was obvious he has been crying. He apologized for hurting me and hurting our daughter. Begging me not to leave. He just wanted to talk.  I locked him out of the bedroom, he was talking through the door, which was upsetting our daughter who is 6 years old. I told him that I needed him to leave. I needed him away from me so I could  think. He did leave peacefully. He's  been staying in a hotel near his office. It's  been a  month and 2 days. (May 26th) I still have not let him back in. 

I don't know what to do. I am hurt and I don't want to divorce  my husband. I love  him. I just feel numb. I feel a mess.  The woman he cheated with is absolutely beautiful. She is  younger than us. He told me that she lives in the area, he told me about her. She's 27. She is single. No kids. It was purely sex for him. She is very sexually  attractive.  I don't think my husband would have a serious relationship  with her, but It doesn't  make this better, or easier. My husband is in IC, he told  me he would do anything to prove he will be the husband I deserve. I have just been increasingly drifting away, I don't respond to his text. I avoid his calls, I always allow our  daughter to answer the phone. Anything to avoid conversation with him. 

Sunday, he dropped our daughter off, he did have her for the weekend at his parents in the country. I was beat. I had went out the night before with a couple of friends and I met a man, we had drinks, we talked for hours. He walked me home. We kissed.  I did not invite him into my home. My brother-in-Law saw us having drinks and saw us leaving. Which, naturally he told my husband. It wasn't a "tell" like he was angry with me. He knows my husband cheated. He told my husband what he saw and he made it clear that he needed to get it together because he was losing me. 

I wake up to  my husband trying to have sex with me. I was certainly in shock! I wake up to a man on top of me,  I almost had a heart attack. I of course didn't have sex with him.  That was when he asked me,  "Did you sleep with him? I won't get angry, I just need to know. I know I have no right to be angry if you did.  Not after I betrayed us."  I could tell he was hurt. He is really hurting. I know my husband and I know he truly regrets what he has done. I just do not know how I feel.Will I ever go back to the way I loved him before his affair. Will I ever trust him. I find myself questioning,can I ever be sexually intimate with him again? 

My sister and I were talking and she still speaks to my husband often, her husband is his best friend. She confirms he is broken up.He feels terrible for what he has done. He is always seeking advice as to how he can be better. He wants a baby and he feels he has ruined that chance. We were ready to have a couple more kids. I just don't know how to handle all  of this. It's been over a month, and I know that I need to make a choice. I would like some input. Hopefully to help  me have some point of views from people who do not have any personal stakes.  Thanks.

Edited June 30, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[Ageless Wisdom23]

I am so very sorry he did this to you.  I don't believe you would ever be able to trust him quite the same again.  Nor move past it.  It will haunt you like Satan each time he tries to touch you or even when he is on his cell or goes to Work, You will be wondering and wary and worried.  I believe too he was honest in telling you and is very sorry for what he did. However, It could go three ways if you let him Back----------He would have told this other woman "Good-bye" and that would be It, Or she might not take that too well and Continue to harass him with spite and revenge or even He would not have given up this woman and they would continue to secretly rendezvous.  For the Moment, You are doing the right thing by keeping him at arm😔's length.

[JTSW]

Ok, so here's my take on this.

I don't condone cheating but it sounds like he had a moment of weakness during a crazy time (no excuse, I know).

Something he clearly deeply regrets.

He was completely honest with you about his mistake when most men wouldn't be.

He is completely remorseful and genuinely loves you and your daughter.

It is your decision but I do believe he is genuine. 

You have had a good relationship/marriage and it's up to you if you want to salvage that.

It take's a long time to rebuild that trust again and in your case I believe it is possible.

[Starswillshine]

The positive here, which we hardly ever hear of, is he came clean of his own accord. Sounds like he was feeling extremely guilty and living an honest life seems as it may be important to you. 

The biggest issue going forward is that you will struggle to trust him. So you need to ask yourself, what is he doing to start building that trust, to make you feel safe that it is ok to open up to him again. His actions should show you a lot. 

Sorry you are a part of this club now. Many hugs to you. 

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, AmandaCali said:

I wake up to  my husband trying to have sex with me.  I wake up to a man on top of me

Sorry this is happening. Is your husband still staying at a hotel? 

How did it come about that all of a sudden he's on top of you?

Since you are torn and hurt, the best thing you can do is gather objective advice and support. Especially since you can't ban him from the marital home forever.

Contact an attorney just for information advice and support as far as what the options would be in the event of divorce.

Enlist the support of a qualified therapist so you can unpack and sort this out privately and frankly and objectively.

Friends and family are not objective in these instances. Unfortunately you'll have to reflect and come to terms with how you want to proceed without hearsay from family or your family reporting back to him about whatever date you were on.

Also try to reflect and deliberate what is best for you without the background noise of remorse and crocodile tears. Divorce is expensive, affairs are easier.

[Weezy1973]

Agree with the others that him coming clean and showing true remorse is a good sign in that he made a choice to be honest with you even knowing the potential repercussions of you leaving him. 
 

This is very fresh. You may eventually wish to enter a relationship with your husband but it will be different from the one you had. You should also see  an individual therapist to help you through this time. But don’t rush into an answer right away. You have got time. How is your daughter holding up? 

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, AmandaCali said:

He told me that she lives in the area, he told me about her. She's 27. She is single. No kids. It was purely sex for him. 

Unfortunately most confessions are motivated by damage control rather than a moral compass. People with a moral compass don't cheat in the first place.

In this case he's afraid you'll run into her, so decided to give you his version of the events (was lonely, meant nothing,etc.) before that happens. 

The other scenario is while the cat's away the mice will play and she obviously didn't know he was married, but now that you're back in town he told her and he's shaking in his boots that a Fatal Attraction scenario doesn't develop.

Edited June 28, 2023 by Wiseman2

[AmandaCali]

13 hours ago, Ageless Wisdom23 said:

I am so very sorry he did this to you.  I don't believe you would ever be able to trust him quite the same again.  Nor move past it.  It will haunt you like Satan each time he tries to touch you or even when he is on his cell or goes to Work, You will be wondering and wary and worried.  I believe too he was honest in telling you and is very sorry for what he did. However, It could go three ways if you let him Back----------He would have told this other woman "Good-bye" and that would be It, Or she might not take that too well and Continue to harass him with spite and revenge or even He would not have given up this woman and they would continue to secretly rendezvous.  For the Moment, You are doing the right thing by keeping him at arm😔's length.

THIS PART:I don't believe you would ever be able to trust him quite the same again.  Nor move past it.  It will haunt you like Satan each time he tries to touch you or even when he is on his cell or goes to Work, You will be wondering and wary and worried. 

This is my worst nightmare. I worry that may be the issue. I don't  have trust issues with people. At least I didn't prior to this. I cringe at the thought of always being worried where is he.  If a woman says "Hell'o" is he sleeping with her. I can't live like that. But I also feel that marriage vowels are stronger than being petty and worried. I did vow until death do us part.  But can I?  I hate the feeling  of uncertain.

[AmandaCali]

7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately most confessions are motivated by damage control rather than a moral compass. People with a moral compass don't cheat in the first place.

In this case he's afraid you'll run into her, so decided to give you his version of the events (was lonely, meant nothing,etc.) before that happens. 

The other scenario is while the cat's away the mice will play and she obviously didn't know he was married, but now that you're back in town he told her and he's shaking in his boots that a Fatal Attraction scenario doesn't develop.

I certainly saw the damage control. Because while he was open about what happened. I had to do the math for him in telling how long they were sleeping together. Literally break down when he was getting his deli meat and meeting her the first time, to when the last time the had sex. I know he was trying to skirt around details, because he was hurting me. But I do somewhat question is it the whole truth and nothing but the truth. So help me God, I want to talk to her myself. But that may be a bad idea. I also believe she had no idea he was married. He does wear his wedding ring. He says he had it on when they met. So she must have known something. 

[AmandaCali]

7 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

Agree with the others that him coming clean and showing true remorse is a good sign in that he made a choice to be honest with you even knowing the potential repercussions of you leaving him. 
 

This is very fresh. You may eventually wish to enter a relationship with your husband but it will be different from the one you had. You should also see  an individual therapist to help you through this time. But don’t rush into an answer right away. You have got time. How is your daughter holding up? 

This is fresh. I am trying to take it slow. I have been educating myself on infidelity. But it's not all the same. I do give him credit for coming clean. I did acknowledge this to him. But I told him do not take it as "forgiveness" I still don't  know what I want in the end. I don't  know if I want a stained marriage. Period. I will never be the same. He knows about the guy I met. I think. Well I'm certain he has investigated who he is. My husband isn't  a jealous man in the sense of freaking out if another man shows me attention. But he definitely made it known that he doesn't  like it.  I know that I am a attractive woman.  I would not have a problem finding a man. I have to tell men often,  "I'm married" I am so surprised at how many do not care! I know my husband knows this. He may treat me differently as well. If he were to return would he be constantly suspect of me when I speak to other men? In my career I work in Healthcare. I work alongside many very attracted and highly educated men. If I were single I would be a dating machine. 

I don't want the dynamics of our marriage to change. Being total lost of trust. No marriage can survive that. Not in a healthy sense. Our daughter is 6. She often ask why Daddy is working all the time. I try to keep  her visits with her as regular as possible. My husbands brother and wife live in the neighborhood and they  have three kids  close in age to our daughter, she spends a lot of time there. They care for her until we return from work after school. So  my husband sees her there. I don't believe she fully understands what is going on,  which is good for now. If we decide to divorce. That will be another issue.

[AmandaCali]

9 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Is your husband still staying at a hotel? 

How did it come about that all of a sudden he's on top of you?

Since you are torn and hurt, the best thing you can do is gather objective advice and support. Especially since you can't ban him from the marital home forever.

Contact an attorney just for information advice and support as far as what the options would be in the event of divorce.

Enlist the support of a qualified therapist so you can unpack and sort this out privately and frankly and objectively.

Friends and family are not objective in these instances. Unfortunately you'll have to reflect and come to terms with how you want to proceed without hearsay from family or your family reporting back to him about whatever date you were on.

Also try to reflect and deliberate what is best for you without the background noise of remorse and crocodile tears. Divorce is expensive, affairs are easier.

Yes, My husband is in a hotel. NOT CHEAP! He has access to the house. I didn't change the locks, I don't think I could anyway. He has been respectful of my space. Except for that incident. I don't know what the hell  he was even thinking. He did apologize. actually several  times for behaving that way.  He calls before he comes over, which is to only to pick up our daughter.  They have lunch together every Saturday. I agree I need to enlist the support of a therapist,  a real one.Not family, who all feel  they have all the answers. I know they mean well. Especially our parents(on both sides) they are very close and they hate what is happening and they do not want to see us break up. They are supportive of my decision of making him leave and taking time to sort things out. However, at the end of the day, I know his parents are going to back their son. I don't doubt that. But they are very angry at him and disappointed. Which is helpful because he sees his actions have affected not only our home, but the entire family.

[AmandaCali]

11 hours ago, JTSW said:

Ok, so here's my take on this.

I don't condone cheating but it sounds like he had a moment of weakness during a crazy time (no excuse, I know).

Something he clearly deeply regrets.

He was completely honest with you about his mistake when most men wouldn't be.

He is completely remorseful and genuinely loves you and your daughter.

It is your decision but I do believe he is genuine. 

You have had a good relationship/marriage and it's up to you if you want to salvage that.

It take's a long time to rebuild that trust again and in your case I believe it is possible.

All the points you have made are correct. I agree. Because of him being a man that is remorseful. I can see it would be easier to salvage rather than me finding out on my own. Him lying. I would have never have found out (at least not yet) otherwise. The affair wasn't one where he was leaving home and sneaking off with her.  Well they did meet up, during his lunch hours. He came clean about that. But it was in the end, and he said he was full of guilt and he knew he wanted to call it quits. He did. He has been fully transparent. 

It's just the rebuilding and starting over and rebuilding something that will never be as stable or strong as what we had before. I feel like that sounds selfish of me, but it is how I feel.  I want what I had. Nothing new. We had a good thing before he broke it. 

[AmandaCali]

10 hours ago, Starswillshine said:

The positive here, which we hardly ever hear of, is he came clean of his own accord. Sounds like he was feeling extremely guilty and living an honest life seems as it may be important to you. 

The biggest issue going forward is that you will struggle to trust him. So you need to ask yourself, what is he doing to start building that trust, to make you feel safe that it is ok to open up to him again. His actions should show you a lot. 

Sorry you are a part of this club now. Many hugs to you. 

I keep top of mind. "He came Clean" He has always been a honest person. A trust worthy person. He's so popular and likeable.  Among our friends he has always been the guy people turned to for support. The voice of reason. It's sad now because the first things our friends say is. No,way! He didn't do this!!! They cannot believe it. Our male friends when I've spoken alone with them will say, "He's torn up. He really loves you." I know he does. Maybe it was because this woman was this extremely beautiful woman. My husband is very attractive. Tall dark and handsome! but I think he thought well here is an opportunity to get this trophy girl. I don't know what he was thinking. He wasn't his D*** was. 

I don't mean to make light of it. he defiled our marriage. But, this woman I think most men would have had a hard time passing up???  I'm just being honest. I'm not saying he was right or it was okay. It has just made me feel very insecure. 

[MsJayne]

This is a hard one, because it sounds like your husband's actually a decent guy who made a stupid mistake. I think most men are very gullible when it comes to flattery from younger women, and while reading your post I got this image of this woman, (looks like Barbie, same fake smile and nothing going on behind the eyes), giving your hubby the big time come-on in the supermarket aisle. I'm normally the last person to defend a male in this scenario, where their huge-but-fragile ego drives their delusions of hotness and they're consumed by thoughts like, "Yes! I've still got it!", however for some reason I feel your husband genuinely was having a weak and dumb moment and then suddenly realised what a jerk he was being. If I was in your shoes, previously happily married, small child and planning another, everything to look forward to, I would give him another chance. It would be along time before trust was re-established, and I wouldn't want him touching me for a while, and the anger would re-surface every now and then, and you may need couples counselling to get through it, but if you weigh the good against the bad and find a bit of forgiveness, I think you could recover what you previously had. He was really hungry, so he took a bite out of cheeseburger before he remembered that he has fillet mignon at home. Hopefully next time he'll recognise junk food when it smiles at him. 

[AmandaCali]

My husband is actually a decent guy. He made a dumb mistake @MsJayne said it spot on.Yes she looks like a Brown haired Barbie! I  will  admit she is beautiful. I don't know if she is smart. I think she wants a man. She didn't know he was married, but I suspect he told her. She didn't care. That alone says a lot about her morals.  My husband is a very attractive man. Not just me being biased, many people say it. He was never the kind of guy to go after the really beautiful girls, he said he wasn't that confident. He has been feeling older lately and I  think he struggles with it. He's noticed he's not in his twenties anymore. He has a big career,  he's has always done everything right.  Never anything too wild. I do believe she stroked his ego!  I'm sure of it!

In my heart. I believe if we were to reconcile. He would never ever cheat again. He loves to be safe.  He loves comfort. He has lost his security, his comfort, and he's definitely hurting. I'm very close to his Mother. She was telling me he was really down, she's worried about his mental health. She isn't a softy who is coddling her son, she is telling him this is the consequence of his actions. He may have lost everything. Yet, she is saying he calls her crying everyday, saying he can't believe how badly he f***ed  up. She is supportive of my choice to separate. She encourages me to take my time,  get some IC and pray a lot for direction before making any decisions. She has been in my shoes. His father stepped out on her 2 years into their marriage. Before they had children. She took him back, but have been in MC for years! I didn't know this. My husband didn't know either.  I'm assuming he does now, I am sure he had a sit down with his Father, I'm sure they have had some heavy conversations. I'm still not in a place to forgive. It's been a month. I know the Hotel cost is really burning his wallet! I'm not ready for him to return home. I do think he will try. I'm sure he wants to, but he has been so  respectful of my need for space. I'm just focused on what I need to heal. It may cost him a fortune! Divorce will be expensive, in every way. I still need time. I just do not feel right. I feel confused and a bit hesitant. How would I be intimate with my husband again after he had this beautiful younger woman. I feel super insecure!

[pepperbird2]

19 hours ago, AmandaCali said:

My husband of 10 years has been having an affair for the past 2 months. We recently moved back to Manhattan. My husband had moved a month ahead to set up our home before our daughter and I arrived. He also had work. Within this time he met this woman, randomly. While shopping for groceries at Zabars. 

My husband and I were on our date night, the first one we have had  since moving. Our marriage has always been good. Never any infidelity, or even suspecting. We have great conversations, he is a wonderful husband. A wonderful provider. A wonderful father to our daughter. I think because of these things, I should not just run to the divorce attorney. My husband sat me down and said he had to tell me something. That he had f***ed up. He had called off the relationship,  he told her he loved me and he would tell  me everything. I believe he was honest with me. He didn't have to confess anything to me. I didn't suspect anything. He came home from his day at the office and kissed our daughter and sat down to dinner and I never questioned anything. This is also why I am a bit worried, if I don't run to the divorce attorney, will I regret it? Is he a good liar?  I find myself questioning things I have never questioned before. 

He and I are both Professionals and it was  a bit hectic and stressful before we relocated back to NY.  We didn't  have much time for each other. We were working insane hours. NY was a blessing.  I think my husband strayed because we were far apart emotionally. This stress was high, it was a crazy time. Not that I'm condoning him cheating, but. I know this is often the cause! 

My reaction was shock and disbelief. I left him alone in the restaurant,  when he arrived home. He was remorseful. He was apologizing, and upset. It was obvious he has been crying. He apologized for hurting me and hurting our daughter. Begging me not to leave. He just wanted to talk.  I locked him out of the bedroom, he was talking through the door, which was upsetting our daughter who is 6 years old. I told him that I needed him to leave. I needed him away from me so I could  think. He did leave peacefully. He's  been staying in a hotel near his office. It's  been a  month and 2 days. (May 26th) I still have not let him back in. 

I don't know what to do. I am hurt and I don't want to divorce  my husband. I love  him. I just feel numb. I feel a mess.  The woman he cheated with is absolutely beautiful. She is  younger than us. He told me that she lives in the area, he told me about her. She's 27. She is single. No kids. It was purely sex for him. She is very sexually  attractive.  I don't think my husband would have a serious relationship  with her, but It doesn't  make this better, or easier. My husband is in IC, he told  me he would do anything to prove he will be the husband I deserve. I have just been increasingly drifting away, I don't respond to his text. I avoid his calls, I always allow our  daughter to answer the phone. Anything to avoid conversation with him. 

Sunday, he dropped our daughter off, he did have her for the weekend at his parents in the country. I was beat. I had went out the night before with a couple of friends and I met a man, we had drinks, we talked for hours. He walked me home. We kissed.  I did not invite him into my home. My brother-in-Law saw us having drinks and saw us leaving. Which, naturally he told my husband. It wasn't a "tell" like he was angry with me. He knows my husband cheated. He told my husband what he saw and he made it clear that he needed to get it together because he was losing me. 

I wake up to  my husband trying to have sex with me. I was certainly in shock! I wake up to a man on top of me,  I almost had a heart attack. I of course didn't have sex with him.  That was when he asked me,  "Did you sleep with him? I won't get angry, I just need to know. I know I have no right to be angry if you did.  Not after I betrayed us."  I could tell he was hurt. He is really hurting. I know my husband and I know he truly regrets what he has done. I just do not know how I feel.Will I ever go back to the way I loved him before his affair. Will I ever trust him. I find myself questioning,can I ever be sexually intimate with him again? 

My sister and I were talking and she still speaks to my husband often, her husband is his best friend. She confirms he is broken up.He feels terrible for what he has done. He is always seeking advice as to how he can be better. He wants a baby and he feels he has ruined that chance. We were ready to have a couple more kids. I just don't know how to handle all  of this. It's been over a month, and I know that I need to make a choice. I would like some input. Hopefully to help  me have some point of views from people who do not have any personal stakes.  Thanks.

For what it’s worth,  my spouse cheated over ten years ago.

we  celebrate our 26th anniversary this summer.

 

on,ly you can decide what to do, but I would suggest counselling sessions with him to try and figure out your next steps. 

[MsJayne]

2 hours ago, AmandaCali said:

In my heart. I believe if we were to reconcile. He would never ever cheat again.

Ten years is a long time to have a good relationship and then throw it away. Maybe you were taking each other for granted? Often happens when babies come along and take priority and most of your energy and attention. It's no excuse, but feeling like you're just below the dog on the ladder of priorities is a major reason people cheat. I can tell you don't want your marriage to end, don't let some woman who means absolutely zero to him ruin everything you have. I'm not saying "Just accept it and move on",  you can't, it's a major breach of trust, but you can do marriage counselling, work through it, and maybe be stronger for it. In 30 years from now, when you're celebrating your ruby anniversary with all your grand-kids around you, you might look back and even laugh at his moment of middle-aged male insecurity. He's been humiliated in front of the whole family, everyone knows he's having mid-life issues, how embarrassing. There's half his punishment right there. 

[AmandaCali]

@MsJayne  I agree Ten years is a long time.  We returned home to Manhattan from Europe, living there was amazing, but it was a huge move, for his work. It was a lot of stress because we were working and we were taking each other for granted, in some ways. We had a good relationship. We were actually bet friends! Always have been. That is what is so hurtful. Not only did my Husband cheat on me,  I feel betrayed as a friend.

I only feel I shouldn't be harsh towards him because I know him. I know this is hurting him. He is embarrassed! Yes he is having a mid-life crisis. Our close knit friend community, was so elated to have us back home in Manhattan. Now they are feeling uneasy! they do not want to take  sides, they love him, but I  think many feel they will be going against me if they invite him to dinner parties, the guys are feeling it may cause issues in their marriages because they are friends with a cheater! I know I can never just accept it and move on, but I feel torn. If I return what message is that sending him? What message will  it send my daughter if some day she finds out. What if he does cheat again, because he thinks he can get away with it. Or maybe I will just accept it after some cooking off period.

I know my husband is a good man who made a really screwed up choice. I can't get over thinking,  he didn't just sleep with her once but many many times over months! Why didn't  he realize he is wrong sooner. What was he thinking?! These questions are what keeps me at arms length. I think I should try again, but then my mind says, be smart here, he knew he was wrong and he kept going back to her. He told me some details about the affair. But, I couldn't handle explicit details. But now I'm thinking. Well, maybe I should get the details because assuming is driving me crazy. Like a burning question I had on my mind today is. Was this woman in our home? Did he sleep  with her in our bed?  

Questions like this keeps me hesitant. If I get a yes.  I do not know if I can forgive that. It's sickening I keep beating myself up.  If I find out some real  savory details, I may be tempted to cheat myself with this guy I met. Who wants  to see me. I told  him about what I was going through. He said he could never forgive a cheater and listed a hundred reasons why. Which now, I think about. I try to think about years down the line.This could be just a blip in our marriage. Should I throw it all away over a woman I know he would never care about other than sexually?

[MsJayne]

 

1 hour ago, AmandaCali said:

Why didn't  he realize he is wrong sooner. What was he thinking?!

These questions are where counselling might help a lot. I fully understand why you wouldn't want to let him come back home immediately, but, if you're open to the idea of considering reconciliation, a good start towards repairing some of the damage might be to find out exactly what he was thinking.  I don't mean to make light of this, but your story is reminding me of National Lampoon's 'Vacation'......Clark Griswald, the middle-aged husband,  crazy in love with his beautiful wife, but who behaves like a pubescent halfwit when Christie Brinkley takes a shine to him. Even the most intelligent, devoted, and kind men can be insufferably stupid when a good-looking woman bats her eyelashes at them. It's like their reasoning faculties abandon them when confronted with mating behaviour from an attractive female. I agree with you that this particular question, why didn't he stop sooner, requires an answer. He has to tell you why it went on for so long.  

[JTSW]

11 hours ago, AmandaCali said:

It's just the rebuilding and starting over and rebuilding something that will never be as stable or strong as what we had before. I feel like that sounds selfish of me, but it is how I feel.  I want what I had. Nothing new. We had a good thing before he broke it. 

You're not being selfish at all.

I'm married with a daughter also and I can understand how it would feel if my husband told me something like that.

[Will am I]

On 6/28/2023 at 6:34 AM, AmandaCali said:

... he met this woman, randomly. While shopping for groceries at Zabars. 

The first question that pops up is this: why does he have his eyes open for other women when he's simply out grocery shopping? Obviously he will see women in a grocery store. And some will be attractive. Maybe she smiled at him, but even that doesn't mean he has to get into a conversation with her. And even if he did, he didn't have to stretch it out into a coffee invitation or whatever his move was. There seems to be a certain part of him that is very much open to receiving love from another woman.

(I recognize that myself. and I learned the hard way when you have that "open" attitude, sooner or later some woman will recognize your heart is out on the street and she will pick it up)

This is a boundaries issue and I think your husband needs to do some soul searching as to its origin. Maybe with the help of an individual therapist.

 

Quote

I should not just run to the divorce attorney.

I strongly agree with you there.

I'm not saying you shouldn't divorce. Maybe at one point in the future you know will find that you haven't been able to put this behind you and the trust is permanently gone. 

But this is not the time. It is not something to do do on impulse.

 

Quote

My husband sat me down and said he had to tell me something. That he had f***ed up. He had called off the relationship,  he told her he loved me and he would tell  me everything. I believe he was honest with me.

This is good, he came clean driven by inner motivation rather than because he got caught.

My wife told me this was the main reason why she stayed with me and she chose to invest in the marriage.

Of course you're a different person, you may make different choices. But I think this is significant.

 

Quote

He and I are both Professionals and it was  a bit hectic and stressful before we relocated back to NY.  We didn't  have much time for each other. We were working insane hours. NY was a blessing.  I think my husband strayed because we were far apart emotionally. This stress was high, it was a crazy time. Not that I'm condoning him cheating, but. I know this is often the cause! 

All very true, but this stuff is for him to figure out. I advise don't cross over into his space and guess behind his motivations. Don't make excuses for why he did what he did.

 

Quote

My reaction was shock and disbelief. I left him alone in the restaurant,  when he arrived home. He was remorseful. He was apologizing, and upset. It was obvious he has been crying. He apologized for hurting me and hurting our daughter. Begging me not to leave. He just wanted to talk.  I locked him out of the bedroom, he was talking through the door, which was upsetting our daughter who is 6 years old. I told him that I needed him to leave. I needed him away from me so I could  think. He did leave peacefully. He's  been staying in a hotel near his office. It's  been a  month and 2 days. (May 26th) I still have not let him back in. 

Five weeks is a pretty long time to be apart. I think that if you want a good opportunity to rebuild your marriage, this situation should not last much longer.

Sit down with him, setup some rules under which he may be in the home. Make sure you are comfortable by these rules and realize that they are temporary. You cannot keep him "on probation" for the rest of his life. 

 

Quote

I don't know what to do. I am hurt and I don't want to divorce  my husband. I love  him. I just feel numb. I feel a mess. 

...

I have just been increasingly drifting away, I don't respond to his text. I avoid his calls, I always allow our  daughter to answer the phone. Anything to avoid conversation with him. 

The steps you have been taking (moving him out and keeping him out, and not talking to him) will eventually lead up to divorce.

If that is not what you want at this point, you need to switch strategies.

 

Quote

The woman he cheated with is absolutely beautiful. She is  younger than us. He told me that she lives in the area, he told me about her. She's 27. She is single. No kids.

It doesn't matter who she is. She's gone.

This is not about how pretty she is. This is not about her at all. She could have been anyone.

This is about your husband learning to stay out of these situations and about you learning to come to terms with the past and finding back your peace and dignity and confidence.

Quote

It was purely sex for him.

It always is. Until it isn't.

 

Quote

Sunday, he dropped our daughter off, he did have her for the weekend at his parents in the country. I was beat. I had went out the night before with a couple of friends and I met a man, we had drinks, we talked for hours. He walked me home. We kissed.  I did not invite him into my home. My brother-in-Law saw us having drinks and saw us leaving. Which, naturally he told my husband. It wasn't a "tell" like he was angry with me. He knows my husband cheated. He told my husband what he saw and he made it clear that he needed to get it together because he was losing me. 

These last words seem very true. 

You and your husband are drifting apart at high speed. If you are serious about second chances (and it seems from the start of your story that you are), then you cannot let this situation exist.

 

Quote

I wake up to  my husband trying to have sex with me. I was certainly in shock! I wake up to a man on top of me,  I almost had a heart attack. I of course didn't have sex with him.  That was when he asked me,  "Did you sleep with him? I won't get angry, I just need to know. I know I have no right to be angry if you did.  Not after I betrayed us."  I could tell he was hurt. He is really hurting. I know my husband and I know he truly regrets what he has done. I just do not know how I feel.Will I ever go back to the way I loved him before his affair. Will I ever trust him. I find myself questioning,can I ever be sexually intimate with him again? 

How did he get in your bed? Just a few lines ago he was in a hotel close to his office. This seems to have happened in an unplanned and impulsive chain of events.

Again: open the contact, have the hard conversation and agree on boundaries that work for now. Him staying in a hotel (feeling rejected and alone) is not going to help you rebuild the marriage. Him trying to make love with you beyond what you are ready to handle isn't helping either. 

Quote

My sister and I were talking and she still speaks to my husband often, her husband is his best friend. She confirms he is broken up.He feels terrible for what he has done. He is always seeking advice as to how he can be better. He wants a baby and he feels he has ruined that chance. We were ready to have a couple more kids. I just don't know how to handle all  of this. It's been over a month, and I know that I need to make a choice. I would like some input. Hopefully to help  me have some point of views from people who do not have any personal stakes.  Thanks.

I advice to make a very conscious effort to rebuild the marriage. 

I recognize from your story that maybe something was broken beyond repair. If it was, you will know. But don't walk away from the marriage until you know that you have it your best effort.

Edited June 29, 2023 by Will am I

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, AmandaCali said:

@MsJayne   . I can't get over thinking,  he didn't just sleep with her once but many many times over months! . Was this woman in our home? Did he sleep  with her in our bed?  

How long were you apart while he was setting up in Manhattan? This is not a random one night stand midlife crisis "mistake".

This was a sustained deliberate deception. Yes he probably told her lies (about being married) and yes, they probably used your place as the love nest. And he only came clean to her upon your arrival. 

This is grabbing the opportunity while he had it. The cat's away and the mice will play.  His thinking was, "hey, I can get away with it so why not?" Out of sight out of mind.

Please don't make excuses about midlife crisis etc. He may be a wonderful husband, father, provider etc. But he will cheat again. It's his nature. His confession was only because she lives in the area.

In fact you don't even know if the affair is just on pause or if it's really over. The mountain of lies he's told so far make this hard to decipher.

Edited June 29, 2023 by Wiseman2

[justwhoiam]

Here's my take on your situation.

I am quite jeealous of the man I'm in love with and, although I know many women feel the same, I realize that there are women who are somewhat "colder" and their husband's flirting style is seldom under their radar. But this latter point is an important aspect to keep an eye on, so that he doesn't feel free to behave however he pleases. Unfortunately, we have very few elements about this affair, and only his version of the story. Someone said she quite likely didn't know he was married. If that were the case, that means he was going around without his wedding ring, and possibly willingly trying to come across as a single man, which certainly doesn't play in his favor. That's just conjecture, as we don't know.

Nevertheless, how things developed (randomly and quickly) doesn't seem right to me. The perfect marriage picture you painted doesn't hold. Yes, he was far from you for a month. But seriously: he was buying groceries, started talking to a young girl and ended up having sex with her. I would want to know: how long did he hang out with her before having sex?

If it was right away, that's "holy s--t". He knew practically nothing about her and he was not even protective of you, like she could have had some STD and he could have infected you. He hooked up randomly and quickly, and I'd have serious issues with that. As she's 27, single, and easily hooking up with firstcomers, her chance of having some STD/STI in NYC is high (higher in some neighborhoods more than others). So if this is what happened and you had unprotected sex with him before he confessed, I would get tested immediately, just for good measure.

If it's after a couple weeks where he kept meeting her: why didn't he tell you he made friends with a local there and they were having coffee together and stuff? If it started innocently and then the closeness led to being intimate, I might understand it. But it seems there was nothing innocent there. This looks like he wanted to f--k a young hottie the first chance he got. He hid from you that he made friends with someone. And therefore I can understand how you are questioning being back together now. Anyone can make a mistake, but this was either rushed and very irrational, or carefully planned. I wouldn't exclude they met through some app for hook-ups. Also, he could have confessed in fear of losing family life/his household more than because he's still in love with you. And if that's a good reason is up to you. Keeping family together was a reason for me not to get separated and divorced, but I do have a long-term partner and it's been almost 12 years of us being together. He's in my situation too. It doesn't work for everybody.

Now after considering his position in the marriage, let's look at your situation more rationally. Was the sex with him very passionate or more like going through the motion? Was the sex drive high for the both of you? How often were you being intimate? Were you still in love with him? You mentioned an emotional distance. How long do you think that went on or when did it start?

Besides answering all of the above, to better understand if you might still be a (good) fit, I wouldn't feel pressured to make any decision right now. Maybe I would arrange a meetup somewhere neutral, not your home, not his hotel bedroom. A café seems like your best option, where you could ask your questions if you want to know more, and/or talk about practical things. Is the apartment you bought in NYC owned 50/50? Or is it just in his name? Staying in a hotel long-term is going to be costly.

[BaileyB]

I hope you have a counsellor Amanda. You should both have an individual counsellor and then, a marriage counsellor when the time is right - if you decide to stay and work on your marriage. 

 

16 hours ago, AmandaCali said:

But, this woman I think most men would have had a hard time passing up??? 

I wouldn’t justify it in any way. To say that “most men would have a hard time passing up the opportunity to have sex with a beautiful women” sounds like a justification to me and truthfully, the bar should be set higher than this. Your husband exercised very poor impulse control. He needs to understand why he was vulnerable and why he made this decision because another man in a similar situation would have shut this down…

Edited June 29, 2023 by BaileyB

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

I hope you have a counsellor Amanda. You should both have an individual counsellor and then, a marriage counsellor 

I agree with this. Please speak privately and confidentiality to only your own trusted people and qualified therapists.

Even if you were close to his mother, family, friends etc. they may say this and that, but they're certainly not objective. Obviously they'll say cheating is wrong but they will whitewash it with the "midlife crisis" and "made a mistake" spin.

This is only going to make decision making more difficult for you. Try to think long term about excusing (condoning) this affair and if you're really going to sleep at night when he's out.

Keep your distance from his people so you can reflect without biased influences.