My Husband Cheated and Confessed but now I am trying to decide my next move

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, AmandaCali said:

He's a straight shooter, he wanted to be honest with me

Or maybe she (or someone else) had threatened to tell you. 

I would do a lot more digging if I were you. 

[Will am I]

7 hours ago, AmandaCali said:

I agree.Sounds like a great plan. Thank You for being a voice of reason!

Thank you for actively participating in the conversation with everyone on this topic.
 

I found the interaction with these fellow forum participants very helpful myself, some of the things that were written are still vividly in my head and help me shape a better behaviour in my marriage now.

 

About “voice of reason”: my perception is that you’re very unsure about the future of your marriage. But your course of action has been the firm way, removing your husband from the home.

Both your emotional (insecurity, brokenness) and your practical (kick him out) reactions are very much valid and reasonable.

But the alignment between the two isn’t optimal, in the sense that your practical reaction is limiting your time to figure your emotions out. What if at one point you decide you’d still like to stay married, and he’s already drifted away. That’s why I advice you to tune it down and allow him into the home under a strict set of rules and start the hard work of trying to heal what can be healed.

 

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, AmandaCali said:

 then,  it can get ugly. 

Unfortunately he already caused this "ugliness" by cheating in the first place.

It's extremely hard to be objective in this case because emotions and your entire life as you knew it has come into question. 

Try to avoid his friends and family and speaking to them, first of all. 

Please don't think of it as "lawyering up", as if it's the start to waging a war.  Getting the information you need to make well informed decisions rather than acting out of fear or panic, is not the same as actually filing for divorce.

Being appropriately informed is intelligent as far as protecting your and your daughters financial, emotional and physical wellbeing. Putting one's head in the sand by believing consulting an attorney is the opposite marriage therapy is counterproductive.

Seeing a therapist privately and confidentiality will be more specific and helpful than googling cheating and infidelity.

Keep in mind what you're reading is not legal advice and everything you do is quite specific to your jurisdiction and situation. Seeing an attorney is not all about suing people for divorce, it's about knowing your rights and options so you can proceed with a clearer head.

[Will am I]

I agree with these points on consulting a lawyer and a a therapist and avoiding contact with "partial" people.

 

I sense a lot of doubt, insecurity and confusion. These are all perfectly normal and understandable when your entire life is shaking on its foundations, but you cannot linger too long in this emotional state. This is the time to (a) make sure to keep your options open and (b) gather knowledge and strength to be able to work towards your choices in a sane and informed manner. This is about making your best decision. There is no absolute best decision,  there's only the one that is best for you.

 

Part of the knowledge you need is more clarity about what happened, how the situation started, how it escalated and (most of all) your assesment of how truthful and reliable your husband's accounts of his infidelity really are. Is he twisting the truth? Downplaying? Putting blame on you? Is he hiding parts of the truth? Is he "trickle truthing" you? Is she still there in this life? In this phone? In his heart? For this part I recommend opening the conversation with your husband and talking and listening attentively and keeping your ear open for any inconsistencies or parts of the story that don't seem logical. Let him do the talking, if he's lying it will show. 

The second part is to understand your options and their consequences. That's where the lawyer comes in (and depending on your situation he may advice to see an accountant or financial planner too). When you consider a divorce you would need a rough understanding of what to expect from the court case, the possibility of follow-up cases, the average timeline, a ballpark number on what to expect financially (legal fees, proceeds from asset division, estimated spousal support and child support. And you are probably interested in how custody and parenting rights are judged under New York State law.

 

Like @Wiseman2said, this is not about "lawyering up" and going to war. This is about preparing yourself to make informed choices. I think the deeper you go in this investigation, the easier it will be to stand by your choice. You don't want to end up in a situation where you chose divorce but spend the rest of your life doubting if it was really the best thing to do. Or oppositely to stay in the marriage but always carrying around a sense that maybe you should have divorced if you had the guts.

 

As a final and more personal note: it is possible for a marriage to come out stronger.

[AmandaCali]

On 6/29/2023 at 11:51 PM, ExpatInItaly said:

Or maybe she (or someone else) had threatened to tell you. 

I would do a lot more digging if I were you. 

I'm working on communication. Digging deeper.  I doubt he was threatened that I'd be told. But I do have a few unanswered questions. So I agree with you saying to dig in deeper.  Not that I distrust what he told me, I just need some questions answers, that I was to hurt to ask before.

[Grumpy Bob]

On 6/28/2023 at 8:09 PM, Weezy1973 said:

Agree with the others that him coming clean and showing true remorse is a good sign

 

On 6/28/2023 at 8:32 PM, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately most confessions are motivated by damage control rather than a moral compass. People with a moral compass don't cheat in the first place.

Sadly, I have to back Wiseman2 on this.  For some men, "confessing and coming clean" is simply another form of manipulation.  A more likely scenario is that when he grew tired of his latest sexual conquest and broke it off, she took it poorly.  Or she found out he was married.  He then became concerned she was going to contact you and rate him out.

I note that you said it was just sex, because this woman is very sexually attractive.  Unfortunately, that's a far bigger problem than you might realise.  Unless there is some humongous undisclosed issue here, a man should always be sexually attracted to his wife.  If that attraction is waning, it's usually because of HIS internal processes.  And, at the risk of being blunt, the issue gets worse as time passes.  There will always be attractive women.  That doesn't mean that a man is excused for going after them.  

Unless NY supermarkets are particularly strange, they're not normally full of young nymphs lining up to jump on older men.  If anything, the setting makes his actions even worse.  He saw a beautiful woman, and he went after her and eventually SEDUCED her.  He not only betrayed you, but he treated her despicably.  And TBH I grow tired of this depiction of men as some-form of hormone-ravaged animals, who can't help but commit infidelity.  He knew what he was doing, and his actions were deliberate, and probably practiced.  He absolutely knew that what he was doing was wrong, and did it anyway.  

It's terribly sad, but either he valued your marriage less than a screw, or he was simply arrogant enough to believe he could have both.  I'm so sorry this happened to you, but he's made his choice.

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, AmandaCali said:

I doubt he was threatened that I'd be told.

Why? 

[AmandaCali]

8 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Why? 

Why? Because he isn't one to be forced into doing anything out of fear.  His fear  wasn't me finding out. If it were he wouldn't  have told me himself and most likely lied his way out of the situation if a woman came up to me saying, I have something on your husband. He has also been one to own up to his mistakes. He will mess up and he will take ownership and handle it. 

 

[AmandaCali]

9 hours ago, Grumpy Bob said:

 

Sadly, I have to back Wiseman2 on this.  For some men, "confessing and coming clean" is simply another form of manipulation.  A more likely scenario is that when he grew tired of his latest sexual conquest and broke it off, she took it poorly.  Or she found out he was married.  He then became concerned she was going to contact you and rate him out.

I note that you said it was just sex, because this woman is very sexually attractive.  Unfortunately, that's a far bigger problem than you might realise.  Unless there is some humongous undisclosed issue here, a man should always be sexually attracted to his wife.  If that attraction is waning, it's usually because of HIS internal processes.  And, at the risk of being blunt, the issue gets worse as time passes.  There will always be attractive women.  That doesn't mean that a man is excused for going after them.  

Unless NY supermarkets are particularly strange, they're not normally full of young nymphs lining up to jump on older men.  If anything, the setting makes his actions even worse.  He saw a beautiful woman, and he went after her and eventually SEDUCED her.  He not only betrayed you, but he treated her despicably.  And TBH I grow tired of this depiction of men as some-form of hormone-ravaged animals, who can't help but commit infidelity.  He knew what he was doing, and his actions were deliberate, and probably practiced.  He absolutely knew that what he was doing was wrong, and did it anyway.  

It's terribly sad, but either he valued your marriage less than a screw, or he was simply arrogant enough to believe he could have both.  I'm so sorry this happened to you, but he's made his choice.

NY markets are particularly strange, they're full of young women on the prowl for sugar Daddies everyday. The streets, men and women literally move to NYC just for the quest. I have to disagree with your comment. Most of it.  Its a very, typical mindset of American men. He "seduced" her Men should always be sexually attracted to his wife and vice versa. Which is a very case by case basis. It has nothing to do with someone wanting sex with someone else. 

This case scenario is polar opposite of my husband. Not making excuses for his behavior. This seems like a stereotypical male. My husband has explained his actions and his behavior isn't anything like the one you've described.  If he were anything like you have described, we would have never been a couple in the first place. He and I have sat down and  have had a deep, much needed conversation, with a professional. 

Something  I wish we had done throughout our marriage. I encourage others to utilize marital counselling, even if the marriage has no issues. It really help  hash out difficult feelings and gives clarity that you may not have realized you and your spouse needed. 

[Will am I]

I don’t see a reason to completely disqualify your husband for this slip.

But the exact story of what happened remains vitally important.

Because even if the other woman was actively scouting a man, he must still have had his heart way too open for that possibility. And I do not agree that you being away and him being lonely is enough explanation for that.

I believe that his motives for falling into infidelity and his ability to grow out of that may be more important than the past.

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, AmandaCali said:

Because he isn't one to be forced into doing anything out of fear

I imagine you also never thought he was one to cheat. 

My point is that there are sides to your husband you didn't know about until now. He has shown you new behaviour you didn't think he was capable of. The man you thought you knew is not the same man he is now. I therefore would caution you against completely ruling out the theory that someone knew about it and threatened to expose him. Possibly not even his other woman but someone else who may have heard or seen something and knew you were in the dark. Perhaps he just wanted to be honest with you, sure, but I also wouldn't be surprised if he knew he had to tell you before you heard it from someone else. 

2 hours ago, Will am I said:

Because even if the other woman was actively scouting a man, he must still have had his heart way too open for that possibility. And I do not agree that you being away and him being lonely is enough explanation for that.

I was going to say something similar. 

Something was already wrong inside him by the time he met this woman. I also don't think being away and lonely is the sole reason. OP, he needs to get very honest with you about where his heart was before he ever met her. People who are happy and committed don't find themselves in affairs because they're a little lonely waiting to reunite with their spouse. 

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, AmandaCali said:

His fear  wasn't me finding out. If it were he wouldn't  have told me himself and most likely lied his way out of the situation

It’s possible that this is exactly why he told you - he was trying to get out in front of it and do some damage control.

And, you don’t know that he’s not still lying his way out the situation… It’s highly likely that there is more here that you don’t know.  Unfaithful individuals often lie by omission or offer the trickle truth to their partner… and considering that you yourself said that you haven’t really had any “deep” conversations, I would tend to assume that you’ve received a rather superficial accounting of the situation. 

The fact that he told you about the affair doesn’t necessary mean that he’s being completely honest with you. It could be little more than a manipulation - he could be trying to placate and reassure you.

 

Edited July 2, 2023 by BaileyB

[AmandaCali]

13 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I imagine you also never thought he was one to cheat. 

My point is that there are sides to your husband you didn't know about until now. He has shown you new behaviour you didn't think he was capable of. The man you thought you knew is not the same man he is now. I therefore would caution you against completely ruling out the theory that someone knew about it and threatened to expose him. Possibly not even his other woman but someone else who may have heard or seen something and knew you were in the dark. Perhaps he just wanted to be honest with you, sure, but I also wouldn't be surprised if he knew he had to tell you before you heard it from someone else. 

I was going to say something similar. 

Something was already wrong inside him by the time he met this woman. I also don't think being away and lonely is the sole reason. OP, he needs to get very honest with you about where his heart was before he ever met her. People who are happy and committed don't find themselves in affairs because they're a little lonely waiting to reunite with their spouse. 

I have never put anything past an imperfect human.  Did I think he would cheat?  No Did I think it was a possibility, sure. It's  possible for anyone. I have never really pondered over in my mind the capability or possibility of it happening. If I had,  looking back on what I know now,  and what he and I have discussed. I see how it happened.  I see all the signs  leading up to this chance and opportunity being open to him. We were in a bad place. The world is only how we perceive it to be and I didn't perceive it to be as bad as he felt.I didn't  know my husband had the feeling that I wanted out of the marriage. There is so much more that goes into play leading up to adultery and many other missteps than many of us ever realize. 

I have learned,  my words,  my bodily gestures and facial expressions come into play. I didn't  realize that I was giving this impression of "I don't need you."  I get so caught up in work.  I close down,  I push people away. I didn't  even know it.  So my husband wasn't out there on a hunt. He met this woman. They chatted and it became more. I see my fault in, not wanting to talk, not seeing the need to check in. So I am very much at fault. I needed this wake up call. I would say the tables could have easily been turned in my situation.  Which I am now aware I have to watch out for because I have put myself in some vulnerable, sketchy situations as well. 

[AmandaCali]

6 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

It’s possible that this is exactly why he told you - he was trying to get out in front of it and do some damage control.

And, you don’t know that he’s not still lying his way out the situation… It’s highly likely that there is more here that you don’t know.  Unfaithful individuals often lie by omission or offer the trickle truth to their partner… and considering that you yourself said that you haven’t really had any “deep” conversations, I would tend to assume that you’ve received a rather superficial accounting of the situation. 

The fact that he told you about the affair doesn’t necessary mean that he’s being completely honest with you. It could be little more than a manipulation - he could be trying to placate and reassure you.

 

I understand where your coming from.  I am quite certain he's  not lying his way out. He's not trying to placate me. I know he loves me. But he doesn't need  me.  He isn't in damage control mode, he's  a very hard-lined individual. He knew the damage was done the moment he took this woman to bed. No matter when or how I found out. He knows there is no damage control or placating. 

That is one thing I really respect about him. He is a good  and kind individual. He had a huge heart. But he doesn't ride the fence. It's no in between. I think that is why we trusted each other. I came from a place,  I didn't  think my husband would cheat. But if he did. I know he would own his mistake when I found out. He isn't afraid to lose, especially if it's  due to his wrong doing or half stepping. So my worry isn't  getting the whole truth. It isn't the fear he would be dishonest. I think he would withhold details he think would hurt me, maybe details I want to know but I don't necessarily need to know. Like how many times did she orgasm? Why? But the specifics  pertaining to if I should stay in this marriage or not.  He would be open he would be honest. 

He came to me he told me the truth because that who he is. Could be selfish too. I know he isn't  one who like to be uncomfortable, he doesn't take well to things not being copacetic.  So  him bending in the threat of someone telling him. I'm going to tell your wife. No. 

[BaileyB]

Have you let him back into the house yet? It seems to be the way this is going…

[S2B]

Are you actually trying to take the blame for HIS decision to cheat on you?

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, AmandaCali said:

. I didn't  realize that I was giving this impression of "I don't need you."  I get so caught up in work.  I close down,  I push people away. 

Wasn't it impossible for you to "be there for him" if this situation happened while he was setting up before you moved?

Try not to beat yourself up for failing him and or tell yourself that gives him a license to cheat.

Keep in mind this may be up and down for a while as you continue to try and wrap your head around the new reality.

[Lotsgoingon]

OP, I don't sense that you are beating yourself up or blaming yourself.

Instead, I see you as simply being ruthlessly honest about how bad the marriage was and how out of touch you were with your husband's feelings in the time leading up to the affair. Of course, it was your husband's job to express his feelings if he felt you were pushing him away. And maybe he did and you realize you didn't really take him seriously? I don't know.

I'll admit my bias here. I think it is easier to have an affair than most people might think. In fact, I'm of the view that the best self-discipline that blocks people from straying isn't really virtue as much as a real ruthless (I use that word again) awareness of your own feelings and weak spots. I've heard marriage counselors say that one of the worst things you can say to yourself about having an affair is that "I'll never have one." That thinking can prevent people from setting limits firmly and early on! 

A friend of mine is quite happily married. He's also really honest about his feelings, honest to himself! So at work he was mentoring a younger woman and he noticed that he was having a fantastic time talking with her. And that the banter was just too good, so good it was indeed flirty though if you looked at the words he and she exchanged, you wouldn't say they were flirty. But the energy and enthusiasm of their talks was flirty. My buddy noticed this and then shut down this playful laughter-filled energy with this woman. He stopped things really early. He didn't  wait til he and her went out to a nice dinner. He didn't just carry on talking with this woman out of the confident conviction that his own righteousness would prevent anything from happening.

I don't think you have to be a "bad" person to have an affair.  Some affairs occur because someone is just being selfish. But one of the biggest precursors or predictors of an affair is a quiet crisis--not addressed--in the marriage. I'm not saying having an affair is inevitable when the marriage is bad or that the low quality of the marriage justifies cheating. It doesn't. 

Here's some of the best advice I've seen for spouses whose partners have cheated on them, especially for betrayed spouses who don't want to end the marriage. It's 5 minutes.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7ZdMI9ZZE2A

 

[Will am I]

27 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

In fact, I'm of the view that the best self-discipline that blocks people from straying isn't really virtue as much as a real ruthless (I use that word again) awareness of your own feelings and weak spots

Amen to that.

Strict self-discipline can last months, maybe years, but not a lifetime.

A habit of recognizing your weak spots and learning to stay away from tempting situations has a better chance.

 

Before the first guiltily kiss comes the first look into the eyes of the other woman. And before that look there is a certain inner reason to want to give that look (and a certain craving to receive  her response).

Overcoming infidelity has many angles, this is definitely one of them.

Edited July 2, 2023 by Will am I

[AmandaCali]

2 hours ago, S2B said:

Are you actually trying to take the blame for HIS decision to cheat on you?

Absolutely not! But I take responsibility for my part. I do play a part, even so. My husband gets no passes from me, but we needed to tend to our marriage as much as we tended to our careers. There is so much at play. If I decide to  reconcile I know it will time a lot of Therapy and hard work. 

[AmandaCali]

1 hour ago, Lotsgoingon said:

OP, I don't sense that you are beating yourself up or blaming yourself.

Instead, I see you as simply being ruthlessly honest about how bad the marriage was and how out of touch you were with your husband's feelings in the time leading up to the affair. Of course, it was your husband's job to express his feelings if he felt you were pushing him away. And maybe he did and you realize you didn't really take him seriously? I don't know.

I'll admit my bias here. I think it is easier to have an affair than most people might think. In fact, I'm of the view that the best self-discipline that blocks people from straying isn't really virtue as much as a real ruthless (I use that word again) awareness of your own feelings and weak spots. I've heard marriage counselors say that one of the worst things you can say to yourself about having an affair is that "I'll never have one." That thinking can prevent people from setting limits firmly and early on! 

A friend of mine is quite happily married. He's also really honest about his feelings, honest to himself! So at work he was mentoring a younger woman and he noticed that he was having a fantastic time talking with her. And that the banter was just too good, so good it was indeed flirty though if you looked at the words he and she exchanged, you wouldn't say they were flirty. But the energy and enthusiasm of their talks was flirty. My buddy noticed this and then shut down this playful laughter-filled energy with this woman. He stopped things really early. He didn't  wait til he and her went out to a nice dinner. He didn't just carry on talking with this woman out of the confident conviction that his own righteousness would prevent anything from happening.

I don't think you have to be a "bad" person to have an affair.  Some affairs occur because someone is just being selfish. But one of the biggest precursors or predictors of an affair is a quiet crisis--not addressed--in the marriage. I'm not saying having an affair is inevitable when the marriage is bad or that the low quality of the marriage justifies cheating. It doesn't. 

Here's some of the best advice I've seen for spouses whose partners have cheated on them, especially for betrayed spouses who don't want to end the marriage. It's 5 minutes.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7ZdMI9ZZE2A

 

I agree with everything. I watched the video and Thank You.  So  many people do not understand how easily it is to have an affair. How, crossing that line isn't  the same as you think. It'snot like in the movies. It starts subtle and it can come in the most sneaky way. The night I met that man, we had a few drinks,  we had a great conversation for hours. We ended up kissing. A week prior you couldn't  have bet me a million bucks i would have done what I did. It happen so quickly and it didn't even feel  wrong at first. It was after I felt a bit of guilt. 

  So again, I'm not condoning or handing out passes, but I can see how it is definitely a slippery slope. 

The video was very informative. reconciliation will be a very long process,  There is certainly PTSD and I have experienced and I am still experiencing much of  what was discussed. 

[AmandaCali]

3 hours ago, BaileyB said:

Have you let him back into the house yet? It seems to be the way this is going…

Yes, he is returning,  but he will be living in the lower level of the home. It's set up like an apartment, I have set boundaries and he is okay with abiding by them.

[Alpacalia]

5 hours ago, AmandaCali said:

Absolutely not! But I take responsibility for my part. I do play a part, even so. My husband gets no passes from me, but we needed to tend to our marriage as much as we tended to our careers. There is so much at play. If I decide to  reconcile I know it will time a lot of Therapy and hard work. 

Aye.

Another person blaming themselves for their partner stepping out.

Don't go down that rabbit hole.

Cheating is a choice. Either you do or you don't.

[Will am I]

7 hours ago, AmandaCali said:

Yes, he is returning,  but he will be living in the lower level of the home. It's set up like an apartment, I have set boundaries and he is okay with abiding by them.

An important step towards your goal of trying out whether reconciliation is still an option. 

The hard work starts here. Can you sit down with your husband and bring under words how his cheating has affected you?

[ExpatInItaly]

2 minutes ago, Will am I said:

The hard work starts here.

I was going to say the same. 

Letting him back in the house is only the beginning. The rest is going to test you in ways you can't even imagine right now,, Amanda. Only time will tell if you two can actually make it, or if this is the beginning of the end.