Condescending sister-in-law

[newlywedder]

I need help! I’m on vacation with my husband and his family. My sister-in-law is driving me nuts with her condescending remarks and attitude. She has always thought she is better than me. I called her on it and now my husband wants me to apologize. I refused. I’m not apologizing for standing up for myself. We are leaving tomorrow for home. What would you do in this situation? Apologize anyways?

[glows]

Can you describe a bit more what happened exactly?

 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, newlywedder said:

We are leaving tomorrow for home. 

Just be civil. Try not to hang out with his family this much and especially don't go on vacation with them.

It seems like they're overly tightly knit and treat outsiders (you) like you should all kowtow to the family lockstep pattern.

Marriage therapy may help with communication and boundaries. Don't underestimate how much in-laws can negatively influence a marriage.

[newlywedder]

31 minutes ago, glows said:

Can you describe a bit more what happened exactly?

 

Thanks for responding. My husband’s sister keeps saying condescending remarks even when I am not speaking to her. For instance, I asked my mother in law if there was fireworks. Then my sister in law said “find out yourself” in a really bitter tone. I just don’t get why she keeps treating me like this. This same thing happened last year when vacationing with his family. She stops at nothing to say these annoying remarks to me. My husband said that’s just how she is. 

[MsJayne]

1 hour ago, newlywedder said:

For instance, I asked my mother in law if there was fireworks. Then my sister in law said “find out yourself” in a really bitter tone.

This is just plain nasty. I assume this woman is your husband's brother's wife? Is she rude to other people or just you? How does her husband treat you? Does she have reason to be jealous of you? Under no circumstances should you apologise to her for calling out her rudeness, and your husband should be loyal to you, not her.  I would just cease speaking to her unless it's unavoidable, and then I'd keep it very cool and polite. When you husband says, "That's just how she is", what he really means is either, a) "I'm too gutless to stand up to her" or b)"She's not right in the head and confronting her is pointless".  If it's 'A' he needs to grow a spine and put a stop to her catty behaviour, but if it's 'B' there's not much hope. It does very much sound like the behaviour of a woman in the grip of the green-eyed monster. 

Edited June 30, 2023 by MsJayne
Forgot something

[newlywedder]

10 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

This is just plain nasty. I assume this woman is your husband's brother's wife? Is she rude to other people or just you? How does her husband treat you? Does she have reason to be jealous of you? Under no circumstances should you apologise to her for calling out her rudeness, and your husband should be loyal to you, not her.  I would just cease speaking to her unless it's unavoidable, and then I'd keep it very cool and polite. 

Yeah I felt the same way. It was unnecessarily rude. I wasn’t even talking to her. She is my husband’s sister. He says she always acts like that and to accept it. He said I should apologize for snapping at her. I just said that I didn’t like being spoken to like this and that she has been doing it the entire trip. I also said she was a mean person as well in front of everyone. Then, left the room. I’ve been spending all day alone in my room pretty much. I sure won’t go on another trip with them. They all are taking her side and think that I need to apologize. 

[MsJayne]

3 minutes ago, newlywedder said:

Yeah I felt the same way. It was unnecessarily rude. I wasn’t even talking to her. She is my husband’s sister. He says she always acts like that and to accept it. He said I should apologize for snapping at her. I just said that I didn’t like being spoken to like this and that she has been doing it the entire trip. I also said she was a mean person as well in front of everyone. Then, left the room. I’ve been spending all day alone in my room pretty much. I sure won’t go on another trip with them. They all are taking her side and think that I need to apologize. 

I don't get why you should apologise for snapping but she doesn't have to apologise for being rude. This sounds like you're being gas-lit by the entire family if they all think you should be sorry for standing up for yourself. Is she on the autism spectrum or has some other disorder that can make people socially challenged and insensitive to others and so can't be held accountable?  I feel for you, you must be feeling really uncomfortable right now and probably would like to get away from them all. If you feel you have no choice but to apologise, I would word it like this, "I'm sorry for getting frustrated at your appalling manners and spiteful attitude." 

[basil67]

You have my sympathy as she sounds intolerable.  And I completely understand your reaction

However calling others names (a mean person) is probably the worst way to address such a situation because it will exacerbate the problem.   Had you said "that was unnecessary"  or "I wasn't speaking to you" you probably would have gotten away with it.  In your shoes, I would probably stay to her that you were hurt and frustrated by her comments to you throughout the holiday, but you shouldn't have called her a mean person and for that, you are sorry.

That said, a quick look at your posting history shows that all wasn't good with your husband anyway.  How are things now?  Because if you've got one foot out the door, then perhaps ignore the lot of them

 

 

[newlywedder]

8 minutes ago, basil67 said:

You have my sympathy as she sounds intolerable.  And I completely understand your reaction

However calling others names (a mean person) is probably the worst way to address such a situation because it will exacerbate the problem.   Had you said "that was unnecessary"  or "I wasn't speaking to you" you probably would have gotten away with it.  In your shoes, I would probably stay to her that you were hurt and frustrated by her comments to you throughout the holiday, but you shouldn't have called her a mean person and for that, you are sorry.

That said, a quick look at your posting history shows that all wasn't good with your husband anyway.  How are things now?  Because if you've got one foot out the door, then perhaps ignore the lot of them

 

 

Yeah it’s been a rocky marriage. He insists on me getting along with his family. He’s very close to them. My own family is dead other than my sister. However, she is a drunk driver and endangered my child and myself. I will apologize for calling the sister-in-law a mean person, but not for sticking up for myself. It’s extremely hard for me to do that and it takes alot to happen before I will say something. I just want to keep the peace here while I’m stuck. There is no where to go around here. I don’t have a car since we came on airplane. I guess I can go outside and walk to cool off. 

[basil67]

I wish you luck.  This won't be easy...and do pre-prepare yourself with the perfect civil but sharp shutdown for any mean retort she may have.  

[newlywedder]

21 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

I don't get why you should apologise for snapping but she doesn't have to apologise for being rude. This sounds like you're being gas-lit by the entire family if they all think you should be sorry for standing up for yourself. Is she on the autism spectrum or has some other disorder that can make people socially challenged and insensitive to others and so can't be held accountable?  I feel for you, you must be feeling really uncomfortable right now and probably would like to get away from them all. If you feel you have no choice but to apologise, I would word it like this, "I'm sorry for getting frustrated at your appalling manners and spiteful attitude." 

No she isn’t autistic. Her husband is very wealthy so she doesn’t have to work. She also has 3 more children than I do. I think she may feel superior to me because I do work and just have one child. My husband’s mother never worked either as her husband is also well off. They are all highly religious so have ideas that women shouldn’t work and have as much kids as possible. The sister in law and her husband are going to Germany for 4 months so at least I won’t have to deal with her. 

[glows]

Not sure you need to do anything nor apologize at all. Steer clear of her. I would think it’s your husband who is the problem getting involved. It’s none of his business what passes between the two of you grown women. The issue most of the time in these family dynamics is too many people are involved or want a say. 

I’d take a good look at the marriage and focus on whether there are significant cracks there. Issues with trust and being on the same page. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, newlywedder said:

. My husband’s sister keeps saying condescending remarks  My husband said that’s just how she is. 

Your husband is the problem. Please discuss marriage therapy so you two can get professional neutral guidance on better communication and better boundaries with his family.  He's siding with them and you know this. That's why you need to rethink how you socialize and distance yourself from his family. 

[MsJayne]

51 minutes ago, newlywedder said:

I think she may feel superior to me because I do work and just have one child. 

OK, so she's small-minded and judgmental. This is very hard to deal with. From your other posts it sounds like you're struggling quite badly within this family. They sound very toxic. I would start preparing, mentally, financially, and logistically, for making a good escape. I doubt you want your child to grow up around misogyny and hypocrisy. 

[newlywedder]

18 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

OK, so she's small-minded and judgmental. This is very hard to deal with. From your other posts it sounds like you're struggling quite badly within this family. They sound very toxic. I would start preparing, mentally, financially, and logistically, for making a good escape. I doubt you want your child to grow up around misogyny and hypocrisy. 

No I don’t want him growing up thinking those outdated things. I earn way more than my husband, but he gets good benefits so it helps out. Women sometimes have to work and should not be looked down on for it. Not everyone’s spouse makes enough to support them!

[Lotsgoingon]

I'm going to ask the rude question.  First let me say you didn't do anything wrong.

Now the rude question: is your husband a jerk? Or a socially inept and rude idiot? What the heck is wrong with him? He can't stand up for his wife? Let's be blunt with some calculations here. A wife outranks a sister. And triply outranks the sister if the sister is a jerk. Hubby should be asking her to apologize to you!

Any chance you married into an insular, arrogant "we're always right" family? And that your husband is cluelessly a part of the insular group?

 

[newlywedder]

1 hour ago, Lotsgoingon said:

I'm going to ask the rude question.  First let me say you didn't do anything wrong.

Now the rude question: is your husband a jerk? Or a socially inept and rude idiot? What the heck is wrong with him? He can't stand up for his wife? Let's be blunt with some calculations here. A wife outranks a sister. And triply outranks the sister if the sister is a jerk. Hubby should be asking her to apologize to you!

Any chance you married into an insular, arrogant "we're always right" family? And that your husband is cluelessly a part of the insular group?

 

Yeah he should be siding with me. His whole family enables her to behave this way. He keeps wanting me to apologize because he knows she would never. She doesn’t think she is in the wrong. Condescending people never do. 

[Lotsgoingon]

But what's up with your husband. I assume your user name reveals that you are truly new wed. 

It's best in my view to confront the bad stuff really quickly. Like come out of denial at least with  yourself.

Wanting you to apologize because she won't--I'm sorry, that's idiotic and perverse. It gives you a responsibility that you can take on. You can't fake apologize--that's another injury to do that. Fake apologies--or wrongful apologies, which the victimized person apologizing--what kind of fairness is that?!

So one more time, is your husband blind to his family? Or is he just too wimpy to confront sister? You're going to have rage about this incident--you can say you won't, but you will remember things like this. You wouldn't be here posting if you didn't experience a stinging pain at his refusal to support you. 

This is a big deal that he doesn't stand with you here. This is not minor. And better to confront him and this issue right away than to stick your head in the sand. This is NOT a close call as far as who was in the wrong between you and the sister. Is hubby going to be this wimpy and lame in other situations when you need his support? Are you planning on kids? Is he gonna tell the kids to apologize to the bully? 

 

 

[basil67]

@Lotsgoingon has a good point and I so rescind my advice.  If you're not sorry, don't apologise.   Simply tell your husband that you're not sorry and are not going to give a fake apology

[Ageless Wisdom23]

I probably would have ignored her to begin with.  Some people one has to overlook wh😐en they act like morons.  She is one of them.  And may be jealous too of you.

[Stret]

To give you the same advice that someone once gave me and it helped: don't betray yourself. Will you be ok with the fact you apologised in 10 years from now? Don't apologise because you are human too and your reactions in such messed up situation don't need to be perfect. 

Your husband is a bigger problem. He has not just not taken your side, he has turned against you by asking you to apologise. You will never change the family dynamics, no matter how unhealthy the family is and no matter if he is even aware of that. His personality is such that he would rather fit in with his family than be a man and husband for you (who are supposed to be his priority and a first family in any line of priority). Don't have kids with him either. It will be a nightmare when your sister in law and her mother get a hold your kids and start controlling them too. Your husband is the problem. No matter how mean sister is, if he were firmly by your side and told her off, you wouldn't feel this alone and stressed in the whole situation. You wouldn't be an outsider because you would have him and he would bring you in, rather than make you feel like you don't belong. Not a good dude to have. Trust me - the way he reacted in this situation is a big tell. 

[newlywedder]

2 hours ago, Stret said:

To give you the same advice that someone once gave me and it helped: don't betray yourself. Will you be ok with the fact you apologised in 10 years from now? Don't apologise because you are human too and your reactions in such messed up situation don't need to be perfect. 

Your husband is a bigger problem. He has not just not taken your side, he has turned against you by asking you to apologise. You will never change the family dynamics, no matter how unhealthy the family is and no matter if he is even aware of that. His personality is such that he would rather fit in with his family than be a man and husband for you (who are supposed to be his priority and a first family in any line of priority). Don't have kids with him either. It will be a nightmare when your sister in law and her mother get a hold your kids and start controlling them too. Your husband is the problem. No matter how mean sister is, if he were firmly by your side and told her off, you wouldn't feel this alone and stressed in the whole situation. You wouldn't be an outsider because you would have him and he would bring you in, rather than make you feel like you don't belong. Not a good dude to have. Trust me - the way he reacted in this situation is a big tell. 

My username was created back in 2014 when I first got married. I’m no longer a newlywed. We have one 7 year old son together. I was having trouble with him and his family then so that’s why I joined this forum to begin with. They are a close knit religious family and I do feel like an outsider. My husband and his mother even admitted that my sister-in-law has a very bold personality and speaks her mind with no filter. They think those are endearing qualities and don’t understand why I was hurt. I’m just going to avoid her the rest of the trip and my life. 

[petee]

If your husband doesn’t back you then you have a choice. Stay and accept being put in your place; or move on and live a happier life!

The fog of splitting up lasts a few months, but you need to consider your self-worth here. 
Have a think, but you really are at a crossroad here.

[newlywedder]

7 hours ago, Ageless Wisdom23 said:

I probably would have ignored her to begin with.  Some people one has to overlook wh😐en they act like morons.  She is one of them.  And may be jealous too of you.

Yeah! I have tried just ignoring and avoiding her the whole trip, but she still says condescending comments and tones with me. I just had a slap in the face because my brother-in-law, not her husband, asked her for something and she kindly said, “absolutely!” She NEVER shows me that same kindness in reply or tone. If I ask her for something, she snaps, “get it yourself!”  Clearly I am being targeted by her cruelty here. I talked to my husband again and said I don’t want to be around her and wish to avoid her. He said he and our son will just go over their home alone. I feel awful he won’t stand up for me. He makes me feel like the bad guy here. Says I am just too sensitive and it’s all my fault for getting upset. I have had enough of this s***!!

Edited July 1, 2023 by newlywedder

[newlywedder]

42 minutes ago, petee said:

If your husband doesn’t back you then you have a choice. Stay and accept being put in your place; or move on and live a happier life!

The fog of splitting up lasts a few months, but you need to consider your self-worth here. 
Have a think, but you really are at a crossroad here.

Yeah I will ask him again if he will talk to her. He is the oldest sibling in the family. However, he doesn’t like confrontation. I haven’t apologized to her. Only have avoided being around her and haven’t said anything. I’m just having a horrible time on this trip because of her. We paid so much to come too. I haven’t been this stressed out in along time! 

Edited July 1, 2023 by newlywedder