Best Sites for Dating

[Esteban]

Normally I´d just google the answer to a question like this but I´ve been at it for a few hours already and I´m not getting very far. There´s so many sites and it´s hard to see what stands out from articles, the front page and reviews. Also, a lot of them seem to prompt you to signup before you can have a look around the website and check it out. Maybe it would be helpful to get comments from those that have used a few.

Please point me to any older threads on this. I did a forum search but didn´t see anything.

I´ve also never used a dating site in my life, by the way, so I really don´t have a clue.

I´m a straight man. I´m just over 40 so I don´t want a site that specifically focused on 50+ or one that´s nearly all 18 and 25 year olds.

I am looking for Northants, UK (also would be interested to know if this site has many UK members or if it´s more US or elsewhere?).

For a minutes I thought Elite Singles looks interesting but it says caters only to those looking for a serious relationship. I would like a site for more casual dating or something that allows that as an option. But perhaps not one of those sites that are specifically geared for a 1-night stand. Am I being too picky here?

I would be interested in sites that cater to any of these interests: finding a sexually submissive woman (it looks like within BDSM sites might be the best bet), vegans/vegetarians, or eco minded woman living a low carbon lifestyle. 

However feel free to ignore any of the above specific interests if you don´t know any specific sites. I would definitely consider a site that isn´t focused on those things and doesn´t allow to search for them. I just want a recommendation for a good dating site as none of the above are deal breakers.

I´d prefer a site where you can see people´s photos before you message them. I don´t want to have to ask someone for their photos and then have to follow that up by ignoring them or saying no - that wouldn´t be fun for them. Although as you can probably tell I´ve no clue yet how this works.

This is my first post on the forum so let me know if anything was inappropriate, or if I´m posting in the wrong place.

Thank you in advance if anyone can help.

Edited July 2, 2023 by Esteban

[Sony12]

Most dating sites are pretty much the same. If you do choose to spend money I always suggest go to the sites with the most activity. However if you are wanting to find something for specific sexual purposes adult friend finder might be where to look. Lots and lots and lots of fakes and scammers on sites like that though.

You might just want to do match and when you actually get around to talking to them mention your sexual desires. Many will put up the red flag but you might find some into that as well.

[Wiseman2]

If you want a lot of screening and matching tools, it's better to try some paid apps. At the very least they have a credit card to sign up with. Some paid apps do more vetting than others. Elite singles tends to be for those looking for upper middle class, ivy leaguers.

As far as niche apps, you could try those but the population may be limited.

You can also mention your lifestyle on your profile as far political stance and proclivities. So you don't need a specific vegan app or ecoconscious app.

As far as hookup apps, they tend to be 75-80 % male. And of course loaded with scammers and escorts.

Keep in mind everything is casual until it's not. So many apps state they are "relationship apps", to attract a broader audience and step away from the tinder type hookup reputation.

So it all depends on how many bells and whistles you want as far as screening and matching as well as how much nonsense your willing to sift through as far as free apps.

Edited July 2, 2023 by Wiseman2

[glows]

There are a few Europeans here but it’s mostly North Americans and Australians on this forum, just fyi. 

Sorry I have no dating advice for dating apps but am aware there are also paid versions of the free ones. Don’t be discouraged if you have a lot of criteria. If she absolutely has to be a sub then yes, you’re better off joining other niche groups who understand the lifestyle. I don’t think there is anything inappropriate in your post.

[Ami1uwant]

I live in the USA so I don’t know what is available where you live.

lelite singles is a prepay high cost site.  You probably won’t get much luck.

 

they still have professional matchmakers you can work with especially if you are very picky in what you are looking for.

 

I’ve used online dating pretty much when the internet started.

 

forst time was off of American online or AOL which was the first big online access portal. On there they developed a dating/ merting sub site. Facebook has something like this now. Prior to thst on AOL I met people through chat rooms.

I met someone people through this including someone I married, and later divorced.

 

after that I used a bunch of dating sites that are still in existence today like Match, Ehat,only, plrnt of fish, OK Cupid, and a few others.  There were differences.

 

Ehat,only has uses complete a profile and thrn they do matches of people and sends them to you and you can start communicating with them through a controlled setting of Q &A before open communication begins.  The problem can be innthe matching settings ehere if you live in a small town getting matching close to you can be hard. If you live in a large metro area you will get matches.

with other sites is more of an open forum where you look at profiles snd then message someone and see if they reply. A conversation comes from that.  
 

now you have smart phone apps like tinder, hinge, bumble, and others that does close proximity searches of matches to you.

 

what you will find is that many of the same people use multiple dating sites where you will see the same people and profile pictures.  With these apps or websites…anyone who signed up has a picture profile on it. It doesn’t say they are active users or active mrmbers.

 

for example wurst match sites it was found that they would show recent activity data associated to a profile but it wasn’t really thrm actually being in the site but was from thst person opening an email from match would trigger their access time.

 

also back thrn with paid sights people would rotate sites every 3 months or so. Thry might return to other sites during free weekend periods offered 

 

another thing that has happened since 15-20 years ago…back then only serious searchers were using the stress getting relationships was easier.  Today many more are using it but as just another option without the serious effort that was done in the past.  Many today might use a site to try and find someone they wouldn’t normally come across or like finding someone out of their league like someone in a lower paying job meeting a higher paying job earner like an avg worker meeting a lawyer or doctor.  Or many are just looking at looks first before trying to find someone.

 

with online dating has show some other behavior traits come out that has bern seen in economics/ shopping behavior.  Many studies have shown two people wjho met the old fashioned way and were a good match might have dates a few times and thrn started a long relationship. Today those two who met on a dating site might pass over the other person because they aren’t perfect or that 99% matchtheydream about having.  Some peop,e when buy8ng a piece of clothing might want to surf the entire mall seeing all out there before picking one while they are doing that another shopper just goes into one store and says this shirt is good enough and buys it. This is maximizer vs satisfyer.  You see it in dating ehere one wants to date sround and see what’s out there while another person picks one and says this one seems good enough.

 

even when you are in early stages of dating— don’t assume you are the only one they are dating or talking to. Thry are likeky talking to and dating others. It’s possible you might like this person but they might onlupy have you as their 3rd choice….even if you though the date went great.

 

 

[Esteban]

Thank you all for your replies. It might be good for me to find a UK specific forum in addition to this one.

I think mentioning that I am vegetarian and eco conscious in the profile is probably a good idea.

I don´t like the idea of mentioning sexual fantasies/preferences in a profile on a generic site or when first chatting to someone. They are not so critical and that would be awkward you could lose out on meeting someone good. What would be better is to be able to match to someone in a more discrete way using non-publicly viewable options, or use a site that´s specifically focused to that.

I´m OK with some paid apps/sites but I´d want to be able to go on the site first and have a look around. I don’t want to commit to give $100 for a few months and then shortly after that find there´s only a few people in my area that I like and none of them respond to me and I´ve paid $100 for nothing. Let´s forget about Elite Singles though, it specifically said serious relationships which is probably not what I´m looking for yet. 

If anyone´s curious my situation is that I will be coming to the UK in November or December and staying until probably the Spring, then leaving the UK and then perhaps coming back in 2025, or maybe not. So I think anyone fully focused on a serious relationship would want to avoid me for now. 

I tried to sign up to a few sites last night and I was quite unimpressed. Some just wouldn´t work, others I am getting blocked from signing up as a UK user because I am not currently in the UK, may be easiest to wait until I am back in the UK before using these sites.

I don´t like how as soon as you click on the site it asks for all your details, and photos, before you look around the site. I had this issue at Badoo, OK Cupid and Tinder. I don`t want to upload photos to 6 sites just to find out which one is good. I get that they want to give some privacy to people that have provided their name and photo already, but I need to get a sense as to what the site is like. Perhaps a solution would be to let people look around the site but blur out everyone´s names until you have provided your own name and other signin details, and blur out everyone´s photos until you have provided your own. I don´t really want to be actively using the sites until November when I am about to come to the UK. But I´d rather figure out the best one when I have more time.

Edited July 2, 2023 by Esteban

[Wiseman2]

8 minutes ago, Esteban said:

  I don´t really want to be actively using the sites until November when I am about to come to the UK. But I´d rather figure out the best one and sign up now when I have more time.

This may seem efficient but it just seems so. As you have already encountered many apps are geodating based.

The main issue however is that no one is going to wait around until November to date and with a foreign account, you could be perceived as a scammer.

The reason apps want you to sign up is specifically for what you are doing. They don't want browsers and ghost profiles set up for that.

Edited July 2, 2023 by Wiseman2

[Esteban]

12 hours ago, Ami1uwant said:

even when you are in early stages of dating— don’t assume you are the only one they are dating or talking to. Thry are likeky talking to and dating others. It’s possible you might like this person but they might onlupy have you as their 3rd choice….even if you though the date went great.

Do women withhold giving you their phone number for a first and second date nowadays and only communicate via an app? I can imagine it might make sense for women to do this for security? Or is it still normal to exchange numbers before meeting for a first date? 

What do we think is the etiquette for disclosing when you are dating multiple people these days? I would have thought no need to mention on the first date that you are dating others, but you should probably discuss this by about the 3rd date (or the 2nd date if you slept with them on the 1st date). Does that seem reasonable? 

Responding to comment by Ami1uwant but would welcome comments on any of this from others of course.

[Esteban]

5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

This may seem efficient but it just seems so. As you have already encountered many apps are geodating based.

The main issue however is that no one is going to wait around until November to date and with a foreign account, you could be perceived as a scammer.

The reason apps want you to sign up is specifically for what you are doing. They don't want browsers and ghost profiles set up for that.

It does make sense. Probably best not to sign up now. To be honest, I was only trying to sign up with the most basic details because they prompt you to do so I can have a look around the site. But I don´t want to upload photos now, that is wasting people´s time to have them look at my photos when I´m not available yet.

[glows]

2 hours ago, Esteban said:

Do women withhold giving you their phone number for a first and second date nowadays and only communicate via an app? I can imagine it might make sense for women to do this for security? Or is it still normal to exchange numbers before meeting for a first date? 

What do we think is the etiquette for disclosing when you are dating multiple people these days? I would have thought no need to mention on the first date that you are dating others, but you should probably discuss this by about the 3rd date (or the 2nd date if you slept with them on the 1st date). Does that seem reasonable? 

Responding to comment by Ami1uwant but would welcome comments on any of this from others of course.

It’s not recommended to exchange #s on a first meet up - note this is a first meet up only(not a date) to gauge whether you even have chemistry face to face. Many photos are edited or fake and outdated. Someone else might have written the profile or they got help from another person when in actuality the person you’re meeting doesn’t even talk that way or may not be literate or coherent. Numbers are irrelevant at this point and many are not willing to give out a number to a stranger. If you both agree that’s a different story. I wouldn’t share that until after you meet the first time and establish you’d like to meet again. 

You don’t need to disclose dating multiple people. It should be assumed early on people generally are meeting others. I’d be discreet about it and answer honestly if asked but don’t make a thing about it or discuss at length about how dating has been or any ex relationships. Just state what you’re open to and move to a different topic. Once a couple decides to be intimate or have sex it’s recommended to discuss exclusivity. It doesn’t matter when or what # date it is. You establish what you are comfortable with and say what you need. If that person doesn’t meet that you’re not compatible - move on. 

2 hours ago, Esteban said:

It does make sense. Probably best not to sign up now. To be honest, I was only trying to sign up with the most basic details because they prompt you to do so I can have a look around the site. But I don´t want to upload photos now, that is wasting people´s time to have them look at my photos when I´m not available yet.

Agree - don’t waste anyone’s time if you’re only window shopping. This is what gives dating apps a bad rep overall. Unavailable individuals just messing around or taking a look or aren’t interested in meeting. It’s better to wait until you are well settled and adjusted after your move.

Also keep in mind there are people who like playing the role of tour guide to newcomers and there are others who avoid individuals like yourself like the plague. Surround yourself with a support system when you arrive so you’re not treating dating like a support for loneliness in a new place. You’ll be more balanced. 

And I should also mention if you’re not planning on sticking around your pool may be drastically narrowed especially if you’re looking for a long term relationship and your living/working/travel plans are severely mismatched with your dating expectations. I’d lower expectations significantly if you’re not staying in one place for long.
 

Edited July 2, 2023 by glows

[Esteban]

Thanks, I also found this article after I posted which is helpful.

Yes, I am aware that saying "casual only" could either lower the attractiveness of who I can get or mean that in practice I don´t find anyone at all. Not the end of the world if nothing happens. I am also ruling out dating a married woman who´s looking for an affair so that further reduces the odds. Still, can´t hurt to try. One thing that might help is widen the area in which I´m looking and be prepared to drive a bit further for a date.

I should say that I am British and lived there for more than half my life and own a house in the UK. I will come over once the current tenant moves out and move into the house and then put it up for sale. I am also welcome at my parents house for as long as necessary. I have a stable job with the company´s HQ office in the UK and I still have UK bank accounts etc etc. Moving to the UK will be easy - and this is not quite moving to live so much as a very long visit -, so there is no need to get settled or adjust to the culture. I could go on a date on the 2nd or 3rd day if I really wanted to as by then I´ll be fully settled in. I chose Esteban as a name because it was a character from a show I liked as a kid, and because it was a name not already taken.

To avoid scammers, my thoughts are: to avoid text only chat going on for a long time (and be a bit suspicious of anyone that´s slow to meet), end any talk if there are requests for money or help before even meeting and be a bit suspicious of anyone very attractive that approaches me. I`m assuming once someone has met you face to face it´s far less likely that they are a scammer.

Edited July 2, 2023 by Esteban

[Ami1uwant]

2 hours ago, Esteban said:

Do women withhold giving you their phone number for a first and second date nowadays and only communicate via an app? I can imagine it might make sense for women to do this for security? Or is it still normal to exchange numbers before meeting for a first date? 

What do we think is the etiquette for disclosing when you are dating multiple people these days? I would have thought no need to mention on the first date that you are dating others, but you should probably discuss this by about the 3rd date (or the 2nd date if you slept with them on the 1st date). Does that seem reasonable? 

Responding to comment by Ami1uwant but would welcome comments on any of this from others of course.

Most aren’t concerned about sharing numbers.  Sone might use apps thst give you a video link without giving out a phone number.

 

you want to meet face to face asap. if you talk to much on a first call you won’t have much to talk about on first meet.

 

you never say you are dating others.  Just assume you are.

 

 

[Lotsgoingon]

You got to get more clear on what you want. I can't tell. Do you want casual sex or not? And let's say you meet someone for casual sex, are you open to things getting more serious? You want to get clear on your goals first. Really clear!

Yes, sites don't want people coming in and seeing all the available people without some commitment from the looker. Makes sense. There would be all these people freely looking and not paying. And those folks are the worst at responding to others and so on. On one way and disappear. 

The truth is once you figure out your goal, then google for that goal and you'll get some list of sites. Just start! And yes, paid sites are better. Sign up for one and see how it is for two to three months. You hate it, consider going to another site. 

But there's a huge overlap among the sites. There are people, for example, who are dating seriously on Tinder, though that site specializes in casual hookups. If that's what you want, go for Tinder, which I think is big in the UK as it is here in the U.S.

The point is to start! You can always adjust once you start. The key parts of online dating are the photos and your profile. You can refine those as you go through the process and get or not get responses you like. And yes, you can go to multiple sites.  How many sites you are on is your business. 

BTW: all the sites have people who go on them and have little success. Sometimes little success means few dates. Sometimes little success means not meeting someone they really want to date even if they have lot of meetings. So, if you're looking for one site to jump out at you as the perfect place for you, it's not that simple.

On meeting up, the general rule is you meet the person at a public place, someplace where a woman would feel safe (and you would feel safe) to meet this stranger. Different people have different styles as far as sharing phone numbers and how soon they do that. Again, you just got to go out and do it. And you'll learn the answers. You're wasting time trying to perfect all the "right" steps before signing. You will learn as you go. 

But what exactly are you looking for? For example, do you want sex on a first or second date? Do you want a serious partner in a serious relationship? It's hard to go for casual and serious at the same time--a profile that attracts casual folks is different from a profile that will attract more serious folks.

 

 

 

[Alpacalia]

I haven't online dated much but I didn't typically follow all these rules. I prefer a more play it by ear natural approach and have not run into many issues.

I preferred talking a bit before meeting up and that's the same if I met people in real life.

I assume most people multidate, though I find multidating rather icky.

To each their own. If I am dating someone consistently and they are actively multidating it's a hard pass for me.

 

 

 

[MsJayne]

I suggest having a go an free sites such as Plenty Of Fish or Oasis as a practice run and just to get a grasp on how they operate. All date sites are full of scammers and other unsavoury types, you just have to go through the learning process of how to spot them so you don't waste time talking to someone you think is a hot chick who lives in the next suburb but is in fact a bloke somewhere in West Africa. Ignore all communications from overseas, it's always a scammer or some other type of parasite. You say you want photos.....a lot of people put up photos which are misleading, so don't ever assume that the person you're communicating with actually looks like their photo'.  As far as finding a lifestyle-compatible partner goes you need to put those things in you profile, though not necessarily your sexual preferences because that tends to send the wrong message. Don't imagine that you're going to meet your perfect match straight away, it's more likely that you'll meet a few flaky people and a few nice ones, but finding genuine mutual attraction is not easy and requires perseverance and patience. Don't put too much personal information on your profile and don't use personal info to make your password, eg; don't use your star sign in your password, or your hobby, or the type of vehicle you drive, or anything which might help hackers to figure out your password if you should unknowingly start chatting to one of them.  Ultimately, no matter what site you join, it's not a particularly pleasant experience if you have too-high expectations, so think twice before paying large sums to join sites which claim to be exclusive because scumbags have money too and they can afford to join those sites.  I wish you the very best of luck and suggest you brace for impact . 

[Esteban]

Thanks for your help everyone.

Lotsgoingon, I want dating / romance.

I am not looking for a series of casual hookups or one night stands but if I fancy someone and it goes well I do think I would most likely want to have sex on either the first or second date if they are up for it.

If I meet one person that´s good within the first few dates and then can date them for several months that would be ideal.

I will be in the UK for 3-6 months and then will probably leave for at least a year or two, therefore it´s fairly unlikely that anything that happens will last beyond that, which I intend to make clear at the start.

I don´t know about "rules" but it helps to know what most other people think or what the most common situation is, even if you ultimately decide to go in another direction.

[Lotsgoingon]

 

Here are a few tips.

Some women will trust you with their number before you meet up. Others won't until they first meet. My experience is that most do trust you with their number.

Generally, the thinking is that you keep the first date short. Because you are only meeting the person to see if they are worth a real date. The crazy thing about online dating is that profiles don't really predict how you will react to the person. Maybe ChatGPT will help us in that regard down the line.

People may look like your type in a photo and in person immediately you don't feel the same feeling you had as about the photo. Some people are just photogenic--they look fantastic in photos. I'm like that. There are photos of me that make me look WAY BETTER than I really look in person and I'm not saying I'm ugly. I'm just saying I'm photogenic. A woman friend of mine who is positive gorgeous always looked awkward in photos. Photos never captured her beauty. I read once that this gap between photos and reality has something to do with the fact that real faces are 3D and photos are 2D--no real clue honestly. So, you don't fall in love with photos and with a cute or funny line in the profile. (You'll be shocked at how deeply we can project that we know and really like someone based on their profile.)

Great photos don't mean great looking (to you) in person. Well the opposite can be true. The person with the mediocre photo might be a lot more attractive in person, especially when you hear their voice and experience their energy and so on. Photos don't capture voice and vocal tone is a huge part of attraction. A profile can't really capture if the person is a great listener or a great storyteller or how funny you will find in real life. 

I go on about photos because the lesson I learned is to go ahead and approach people whose activities or hobbies seem interesting even if you are not dazzled by the photo. 

Some people do coffee for a first date. Others might do a bar. You keep this meeting short because if it turns out you really don't like them, you're not stuck with them for an entire evening of dinner and movies and a walk and so on. Think of the first in-person meeting as the equivalent of meeting someone in real life at a party. The party encounter (when you talk to someone and really EXPERIENCE them) helps you screen for people WAY better than an online profile. Keeping the first meeting short is just to see if you want to see them again—and you can always extend that first meeting if you’re really connecting with someone.

You will have a lower hit rate than you imagine. Meaning unless you are rich with a sculpted body, you won't have all kinds of people sending you messages on the site. Just hang in there and you'll find people who are interested in meeting you. 

Also, to keep your morale up, understand that you will NOT hit off with most people. I define hitting it off as me REALLY wanting to see them again. A date can be pleasant and yet not really (to me) worth pursuing another further. So just keep meeting people. I say meet 2 new people a week if you can (realistic if you keep the first meetings short). That way you speed up the odds of meeting someone you really like. You can always cancel a follow-up date with someone once you find someone else you want to focus on. 

Good luck. 

 

[Esteban]

Yes, it does seem from looking online that the first meetings are often short, at least these days for online dating. That´s good to know and I can see the reasons.

I think I would probably agree to meet up for a drink. But arrange the drink where there is a restaurant or activity nearby in mind incase. And if it does go well just ask the question in such a way that they can easily dodge without it being awkward. Instead of "shall we go for dinner?" you could say "It would be nice to have dinner with you - shall we go somewhere now or do you prefer another day?" 

Obviously this doesn´t work as well if you´ve arranged to meet at 9pm or so.

 

[Lotsgoingon]

One of the best lines is more direct. "Wow, I'm having a total blast with you. You up with dinner?" That way you're also making clear your interest. And you have told the person you like them. If they like you, they'll respond, "I'm having a great as well." 

Really if you both are having a blast, you and the partner won't shut up with each other and both will not want to end the night. The extended time takes care of itself. You don't have to formally extend an invitation to hang out longer--the date will be on the same wavelength as you. One of the best signs of how date is going is whether I get so engrossed I lose track of time. And I sense the same from the other person. 

 

[Sony12]

Everyone is different but I generally prefer to schedule dinner and/or activity dates on the first meeting. I always found the idea of a person only promising 15 minutes of their time to you a little off-putting. Might as well go in in shorts and a wrinkled Tshirt if that is all the time they are willing to give you.

Hell just have a video chat from your home if 10/15 minutes is all the time you get. This whole idea that you should make the first meet short and sweet is one of the reasons why I think a lot of people struggle with online dating.

Edited July 3, 2023 by Sony12

[Alpacalia]

I think the first meets keeping it short going into it makes sense if you're online dating frequently and meeting several people often, then it makes sense.

Edited July 3, 2023 by Alpacalia

[Sony12]

30 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

I think the first meets keeping it short going into it makes sense if you're online dating frequently and meeting several people often, then it makes sense.

Perhaps. However phone calls often serve the same purpose. You can generally find out if there is enough compatibility to make it through a date by talking on the phone as well. If you struggle to make it through a phone convo more times than not you wouldn't click in person either.

[Alpacalia]

12 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

Perhaps. However phone calls often serve the same purpose. You can generally find out if there is enough compatibility to make it through a date by talking on the phone as well. If you struggle to make it through a phone convo more times than not you wouldn't click in person either.

I think as often as it feels right to talk beforehand. If both people are engaged and talking a bit before a first date then that's the important thing. I'm not into the whole "ok, exchange x amount of texts..then meet for a 10 minute coffee...then if you gel go on an actual date." Too mechanical.

[Sony12]

5 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

I think as often as it feels right to talk beforehand. If both people are engaged and talking a bit before a first date then that's the important thing. I'm not into the whole "ok, exchange x amount of texts..then meet for a 10 minute coffee...then if you gel go on an actual date." Too mechanical.

Yep. Generally speaking if a person refuses to talk on the phone I usually stop talking to them entirely.

[glows]

13 hours ago, Esteban said:

Yes, it does seem from looking online that the first meetings are often short, at least these days for online dating. That´s good to know and I can see the reasons.

I think I would probably agree to meet up for a drink. But arrange the drink where there is a restaurant or activity nearby in mind incase. And if it does go well just ask the question in such a way that they can easily dodge without it being awkward. Instead of "shall we go for dinner?" you could say "It would be nice to have dinner with you - shall we go somewhere now or do you prefer another day?" 

Obviously this doesn´t work as well if you´ve arranged to meet at 9pm or so.

 

I’d keep alcohol to a limit and by doing so you’re shortening the date. Earlier first meet ups are better. There are plenty of people looking for a free meal. 

Face to face conversations allow you to read facial expressions and body language. If someone avoided a first meet up relatively early within a week I never paid any further attention.