Was his text for someone else?

[indie123]

I am on holiday with my boyfriend of 5 years.

We have both put weight on and he keeps standing infront of the full length mirror saying how fat he is, look at his belly etc. (He hasn't got a full length mirror so said he didn't realise he was that big, but we both know there's no problems with attraction to each other)

We came back from the pool and took our swimwear off. He sat on the bed naked, in front of the mirror and i took the first shower. While I was in the shower he took a photo of himself in the mirror and sent it to me. The photo was unflattering and in the position he would normally sit on the bed so at first I thought it was probably him making a joke out of the mirror but Because he doesn't normally send photos like that I was worried it was meant for someone else.

I asked him why he sent it and he laughed and said 'have you seen how fat I am?' Then I asked if it was meant for me and he said 'yeah course it is'. He didn't seem phased or uncomfortable in his response. We argued about it and he said it was meant be a funny joke (we both joke at ourselves a lot and the mirror had been a focal point this holiday) he can't believe I'd think it was for another woman and sees it as a totally innocent joke that I'm over reacting too. He let me look at his texts, apps, contacts etc and there is nothing there to indicate cheating, and nothing else in our relationship to indicate cheating.

I think a potential trigger is my ex cheating on me- once he sent me a nude (when he didn't normally) and talked his way out of it- I later found it was sent to multiple women.

So now I'm worried my current boyfriend accidentally sent me a photo meant for another woman. But I can also see that there could be a valid innocent explanation now, as the context is OK (standing infront of mirror laughing at fat belly and he had valid reason be naked, plus the photo was unflattering) and his reaction when I asked him was totally relaxed and normal.

Am I blowing this out of proportion and making a problem that isn't there?

[basil67]

You thought it was a joke.  He said it was a joke.  There's nothing in the relationship to indicate cheating.   And now you're worried he's cheating?  

Honestly, if he's having body image issues, he's NOT going to be sending nakey photos to someone he wants to get it on with.   Be very careful that you don't alienate him by insisting on things like looking in his phone

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, indie123 said:

Ithink a potential trigger is my ex cheating on me- once he sent me a nude (when he didn't normally) and talked his way out of it- I later found it was sent to multiple women.

It seems like a self-effacing joke about him putting on weight. Please leave the baggage in the past. Making accusations and rifling through his phone is bringing your baggage into the relationship. And probably ruining an otherwise fun vacation. Why let ghosts of your ex dictate your life and happiness?

Edited July 2, 2023 by Wiseman2

[glows]

6 hours ago, indie123 said:

Am I blowing this out of proportion and making a problem that isn't there?

I’m leaning towards Yes. You are blowing it out of proportion but what your ex did was terrible and awful. Is your current partner aware of that? 

I’d be more careful with the accusations as they can cause massive cracks in a relationship. You’ve asked to see all his texts and his phone conversations and this is really a breach of privacy as he has had to defend himself based on just one photo meant in jest(and not even a flattering one at that!) and loss of trust both for him and you.

The more this happens the less and less he trusts you to believe him and the relationship will likely end or fall apart. He may seem unphased now but not many partners would put up with this in the long term.

 

[ShyViolet]

If there have not been any other reasons for you to suspect he's cheating, if this is the only single thing, then I think you are being paranoid and creating problems where there are none.  Just because you had an ex that cheated on you in the past, that is not a good reason to project those insecurities onto your current relationship.

[ExpatInItaly]

20 hours ago, indie123 said:

Am I blowing this out of proportion and making a problem that isn't there?

Yes. 

After 5 years, where is this coming from? Your ex cheated, but how long ago? It seems a little odd to me that you're now manufacturing a fight about this, and if I were your boyfriend, I'd be downright insulted that you thought so little of me as to assume I'm the same as your ex. 

What's going on in your relationship that you're this easily triggered and don't trust him? 

[JTSW]

On 7/2/2023 at 8:42 AM, indie123 said:

Am I blowing this out of proportion and making a problem that isn't there?

Yes.

If the mirror was a focal joke that you shared then this is totally innocent.

[Ageless Wisdom23]

...His Fat belly.  [ ]You love him unconditionally.  I believe it was meant for your eyes only.

Edited July 3, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Shaming

[smackie9]

I get it, this is not normal behaviour for him and it shocked you. Small mistake to accuse him, it was all innocent on his part. apologize and go forward.

[MsJayne]

On 7/2/2023 at 5:42 PM, indie123 said:

Am I blowing this out of proportion and making a problem that isn't there?

Yes. He was having a laugh with you and you missed the humour because nudey pics are a trigger for you. He's the one who has a reason to be annoyed, you pigeon-holed him into the same box as your ex and then you went through his 'phone. 

[Alvi]

Let's say that he is cheating on you (not saying that he is but let's say that). I can't think of any good reason why he would send a very unattractive and unflattering picture of himself to another woman. He is more than likely send a  picture of himself that shows himself in a very good light to that other woman. He would want to impress her and not to  make her cringe. So, based on that, I would say that picture of him was meant for you to see and not for anybody else. He is comfortable enough around you and is not afraid that you are going to see him at his very worst. 

Unless there is something else is going on that you are not saying I don't think that he is cheating on you. How is the rest of the relationship? Has there been any fights or misunderstanding recently? If not, I wouldn't give it a second thought.

Edited July 9, 2023 by Alvi

[Alpacalia]

Next time try a different approach.

If you're looking for evidence to vilify someone you claim to love, it's likely that you are not really looking for evidence, but rather you are looking for an excuse to justify your feelings. Evidence is used to confirm what we already believe, not to challenge it.

Your boyfriend's intentions were innocent and he was just making a self-deprecating joke. He provided access to his texts and apps, which didn't show any signs of cheating, and he seemed unfazed and relaxed when you asked about the photo. The context of the joke and the unflattering nature of the photo may further support his explanation. This feeling will follow you no matter who you are with, imo.

It's not his fault, but maybe it's the first time you've been challenged by your own feelings and that sort of reaction is totally normal. Take some time to process it and don't jump to conclusions. Try to have an open conversation with him and explain your feelings, he may understand and help you out.

[Rocd_91]

I have the feeling I am over reacting and being paranoid, due to a trigger caused my by ex who was cheating (one of his excuses was working).

 

Earlier in the week my partner of 5 years said his work wanted him to work 6-10am on Saturday, but they are all trying to get out of it and hopes the boss forgets about it.

 

He's been at this job for 7 months and worked over an odd hour in the week if he's got stuck in traffic, or gone in early, and he's mentioned others doing odd Saturdays and him turning down a couple of Saturdays, so it's not completely out of nature for his job to ask this occasionally.

 

However it still crossed my mind 'what if it's an excuse to cheat?' I had decided I was going to drive by and check his car was there as I needed to go a shop close to his work anyway. (I know this is wrong but it was to prove to myself that I am right to trust him and that he's gone to work. This would be the first time i had ever done this and i still wasn't 100% sure whether to go through with it.)

 

Now he has told me that the bosses didn't mention it, so he asked a colleague if he was still doing Saturday and he said 'no there's not much do, we can all just come in half an hour early on Monday'.

 

Now I'm wondering if the change of plan to not go in work on Saturday is actually because the plan to meet the other woman has fell through?

Is this reasonable or am I being paranoid?

How would you feel/ react if this was partner?

 

There is no other suspicious behaviour (I can't really say this is suspicious as he acted completely normal during both conversations about it). I had serious trust issues when we got together because of my ex. I went to therapy and 99% of the time I am fine, but certain things (like this) will trigger my trust issues/ fear of cheating.

 

Would this trigger a completely logical person's thinking?

I feel I should let this go and let my guard down, but I struggle to tell a paranoid thought from a rational thought, so reaching out will hopefully help me see how other more rational people see situations and I can keep building on trusting my own judgements (something my ex completely destroyed)

 

Thank you

[Wiseman2]

36 minutes ago, Rocd_91 said:

There is no other suspicious behaviour I had serious trust issues when we got together because of my ex. I went to therapy and 99% of the time I am fine, but certain things (like this) will trigger my trust issues/ fear of cheating.

How is your relationship overall? Do you live together? Do you both work? Have children? How old is he?

Does he like his new job and hours? Does he disappear randomly or make excuses randomly?  Are you having difficulty adjusting to his new job and work schedule? 

If you are still upset about someone else cheating on you over half a decade ago, perhaps it's time to explore therapy again and try to alleviate some of your anxiety?

 

[Rocd_91]

It's good overall. We don't live together but are looking for a house next year.

We both work, don't have children and are 32.

He likes his job and his hours are better as he's close to home. He's only been in late once when stuck in traffic when out on a job (there was an accident on the motorway he said he was on, so I believed him).

He doesn't disappear or make excuses randomly- he is very reliable and available and doesn't show any sort of strange behaviour. 

There's nothing really to adjust to, it's just he's now in a job where occasionally they will ask them to stay over if they need to get a job at- my previous job and current were also like this so I understand its plausable.

I wouldn't say I'm upset, more I've got problems trusting my own judgement

[Lisa]

@indie123 is also @Rocd_91   The thread will continue under the former username

[Wiseman2]

On 7/2/2023 at 3:42 AM, indie123 said:

Am I blowing this out of proportion and making a problem that isn't there?

Unfortunately, yes. Please don't punish your current BF for whatever your ex did. Try to get a handle on unfounded jealousy before you destroy your relationship. Be happy with the man you have now rather than angry with the loser you got rid of. 

[basil67]

Yes, you're being paranoid.   If you're distrustful over such small things, then I'd say you're not ready to be in a relationship.   Are you doing therapy?

[glows]

I don’t see any issues. It’s possible you’re paranoid. Ask yourself even if he cheats so what? You moved on and healed from your past relationship that betrayed you, didn’t you? 

The thing is no one can guarantee you that nothing is happening nor will ever happen. But if you do find that he’s being disloyal you end it and move on. Don’t look back. 

Right now the C word is so painful and has so much power over you. You’re letting it run your relationship and your life. Everything that is slightly out of the norm can be suspicious and that’s not a way to live. Don’t give it that much power. He’s good to you now so enjoy that. If it changes, you change. Practice that mindset and be open or agile to change no matter how scary or painful it may be.

[JTSW]

15 hours ago, Rocd_91 said:

Is this reasonable or am I being paranoid?

 

You are being very unreasonable and paranoid.

He deserves better than this.

You need help.

Edited September 23, 2023 by JTSW

[stillafool]

When are you going to enter therapy?  If you don't address your jealousy and insecurity you will end up losing your mate to someone else.

[ExpatInItaly]

This latest post together with your initial post paints a picture of irrational paranoia and suspicion. 

You need to address this with a therapist. Now. 

[Gaeta]

I also think you need to see a therapist. 

I was cheated on by my ex as well. It hurts but as you saw yourself life goes on and we go on meeting someone else and building a new life. 

If your current boyfriend cheats on you you'll do the same, you'll move on and find someone better. You'll be just fine, you survived last time and you'll survive this time if it happens.

Right now what you're doing is living in a future that does not exist and may never exist. All those moments you worry and monents you check on him are gone, it's time wasted not focussing on happiness. 

Your head is creating catostrophies, it poisons your life and his. The best thing for you is too see a therapist. No one can experience full happiness when they're in a constant state of paranoia. You need to evacuate what happenned with your ex. You're still holding on to that hurt.

 

[stillafool]

If my boyfriend and I had both put on weight and he sent me that picture I would not think it was meant for another girl because it is not very flattering.  He would be trying to impress a new woman not turn her off.  I would think it was a hint at what we both were doing to our bodies and how we both need to get in shape.