It's been over a year.

[mike1097]

Hello there, 

I broke up with my ex April 22nd 2022 and i'm confused in why they are always on my mind. I got better...

She was my first girlfriend, and it started amazing, but as time went by it got quite toxic, and it was incredibly hard to make the choice of; continue to push through without success and with negative impact on my mental health, or break up with someone I loved, my first love.

As my first line confirmed, I took the crippling choice to break up the relationship, which frankly broke me in the process. Within a few months she was with someone else. Towards the end of the year, I got better (in comparison) and was able to appreciate that though it's bloody painful, it was the right choice. And began healing. 

Most days she is on my mind, mainly remembering the bad, but with some good. Some are repeating and some are new. When these thoughts come to mind it feels like I'm experiencing them all over again both in mind and body - When I snap out of the thought, I'm thankful it wasn't reality and I made that choice. 

I suppose my question / issue is I need help with understanding; I don't regret the choice I made, and I started to move on - But it's now been over a year and she isn't leaving my mind

Is this 'just' pain, is this normal? 

Thank you!

 

 

[Wiseman2]

36 minutes ago, mike1097 said:

 I broke up with my ex April 22nd 2022 and i'm confused in why they are always on my mind

Sorry this happened.  It's good you're trying to move on.

Do you have to see each other at work school or elsewhere?  Please delete and block her and all her people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. Try not to scan her social media.

Join some groups and clubs, volunteer, get involved in sports and fitness, take some classes and courses and broaden your social horizons. You'll make friends and meet women.

Get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting women. 

The way to move forward is to fill the void.

Edited July 3, 2023 by Wiseman2

[glows]

How long were you together? You’ll have to motivate yourself to do more things with your life and set some goals. Getting over someone doesn’t happen automatically. It may mean you’re stuck in a rut and not doing more with your life. It does take determination and some drive of your own. Also block her everywhere. Give your mind a break. 

[mike1097]

31 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened.  It's good you're trying to move on.

Do you have to see each other at work school or elsewhere?  Please delete and block her and all her people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. Try not to scan her social media.

Join some groups and clubs, volunteer, get involved in sports and fitness, take some classes and courses and broaden your social horizons. You'll make friends and meet women.

Get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting women. 

The way to move forward is to fill the void.

Thank you for your reply - We live in different county, thus don't see each other. All messages and social media has been removed. 

Other elements has been noted. The part which has really got me thinking is to fill the void - Thank you

 

14 minutes ago, glows said:

How long were you together? You’ll have to motivate yourself to do more things with your life and set some goals. Getting over someone doesn’t happen automatically. It may mean you’re stuck in a rut and not doing more with your life. It does take determination and some drive of your own. Also block her everywhere. Give your mind a break. 

Thank you for your reply. - It was 'only' 10 months. Unfortunately I already has removed all items / internet related things. But still in mind - Thank you

[glows]

First loves are difficult but here’s something I know now that no one told me back then - there will be other loves and unbelievably they can run much deeper than you’d ever have expected. I think of first relationships as scratching the surface and as painful as they are ending (and even often confusing), you WILL heal. 

Something I didn’t do back then that I’d change if I were to do things differently a second time around - reflect on what didn’t work. Too many times we are mourning what we lost and the good times. There are very real reasons why this did not work. Don’t make the same mistakes over and over again, or date the same scenarios or types of people. Grow and evolve and make different decisions going forward.

Edited July 3, 2023 by glows

[mtnbiker3000]

Chances are you are reviewing through rose colored glasses. Specifically remembering the great times, mixed with the fantasy of her and the relationship your mind created at the beginning. There was a reason you ended it, so remember that and the toxicity you mentioned.

And, you will have many more relationships, so no worries!

[Lotsgoingon]

Yeah, first loves can be hard to let go, even when they are thoroughly dysfunctional. Because not every element was dysfunctional. And as you long for them, your brain malfunctions and produces these longing and "I miss you" feelings. 

It can take several years to get over some people. But you got to go out there and live and date BEFORE you feel fully healed. You need to be going out with friends and having fun, participating in some good activity and advancing yourself at work--those are the activities that build up resilience to let go and move on.

Trust me: if you were to reconcile with her, you would be right back to where you were when you broke up--within a day or two!

If after a while longer, you're still stuck, then go to counseling. The counselor will have you remembering all the bad stuff and help you figure out the glitch in your software such that the logical and healthy parts of the brain are asleep. Usually it's because of some weirdness and lack of connection in your family growing up. Unfortunately this kind of growing up glitch in the software is pretty much impossible to see on your own. 

Start: write down 5 things that were not good about the relationship. Do that every day for a month and see where that lands you. 

[Gaeta]

On 7/3/2023 at 10:03 AM, mike1097 said:

The part which has really got me thinking is to fill the void - Thank you

Then fill the void with a ton of activities, enroll in new sports, courses, groups, give yourself a new fitness goal, I mean fill your days, evening and weekends, and it will pass. 

That's what I did when my ex and I broke up, it was a 5 year relationship and I was destroyed. I filled my agenda so much when I met my current boyfriend I had to drop a few things to find time to date him. All this also made me come across a woman that has different interests and won't cling to a man because she has too much time on her hand. 

If ever you're not getting better then like others have suggested you should seek counseling. You may be experiencing depression.

[mark clemson]

On 7/3/2023 at 5:51 AM, mike1097 said:

Is this 'just' pain, is this normal?

Some distress and "breakup blues" is normal for many people.

I suspect you had limerence, which is rather different. It's a bona fide altered state of consciousness sometimes triggered by romantic attachments (particularly unfulfilled ones), with similarities to OCD and to addiction. You can read about it on Wikipedia. If your thoughts were quite constant and "intrusive" that would be evidence suggesting this is correct.

If I'm wrong about this, is it possible you simply have depression and are in a mental cycle of depressed thought?

Consider counseling if that's feasible and you think it's warranted. You could also strongly consider doing "positive" things with your life like health and career related things, socializing, etc IF you aren't doing those things already. You could consider going out with other women (casually perhaps).

Doing things that are going to build a new life and "identity" for you, away from/without her are likely to be helpful. The more successfully you do this, the more she is likely to fade further into the background. Eventually you truly move on and she becomes part of your past - a girl you once dated and got hung up on for a while. That does tend to take time, but it sounds like you've taken the time and should (in theory) be nearly ready if not fully ready for the next stages of your life.

[mike1097]

Hello all, 

Thank you all for taking time to reply - In which I am reading with great interest. 

12 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

limerence,

Truthy I had to look this up, in which it's theory does perhaps align to what is occurring however;

13 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

simply have depression and are in a mental cycle of depressed thought?

I do take anti depressants to help with depression, but the above is still good to know

 

4 hours ago, Gaeta said:

I mean fill your days,

Over time since the breakup happened I have (rightly or wrongly) isolated to an extend other than work, not wanting to do anything - Which could be the leading factor 

[Ageless Wisdom23]

It is hard to forget your First Love.  I once did what you did and broke it off.  I thought it would be like in the Movies, Where he'd come back.  He ended up marrying the one girl I was the most jealous of(No beauty but they had lots in common)and having 6 kids.  You will perhaps even compare her to others you date for a long time.  Eventually you will hopefully find closure and move 🥰on from her and thinking about her.  She is happy now.

Edited July 6, 2023 by Ageless Wisdom23