Partner's ex has no boundaries!

[Debi67]

Hi All,

I've been living with my partner for four and a half years, he has a twelve year old daughter with his ex. They split years before we met after she had an affair. She is now remarried.

We have always been civil  but I always found her a bit over the top in her friendliness towards me, it didn't appear genuine and made me uncomfortable. She would also give really over the top compliments about me to my partner which he would always tell me. 

In the early days she would come to pick up her daughter, let's call her Sophie, and would always stay a bit too long, make herself at home a little too much. It wasn't anything major and it didn't bother me much.

 There have now been instances which I think really overstep boundaries that have happened more recently. 

My partner and I spent a lot of time, thought and effort decorating and getting new furniture for his daughters room at our house. It had been done for about a year when one evening, I was at work, she dropped off Sophie and said that Sophie didn't like the room layout and couldn't sleep with it like that. She wanted to rearrange the room. Instead of saying he was going to discuss it with me, my partner set about rearranging the room with her. I wasn't happy about this, I let him know, I thought she should have left it to us to sort out. 

Since then numerous things have happened. She has started ringing him at short notice and saying she's in the area for school pick up and due to after school activities wants to hang around at our house (with us both there) for a couple of hours.  This from a woman who, six months ago, said she wouldn't meet him alone to discuss concerns about their daughter, saying she wouldn't feel safe (which is nonsense). He said she could without even discussing with me.

When she comes to pick up, she walks around the house, goes upstairs, I've walked out of the shower and she's been outside the door. The reason is always that she is getting something Sophie needs but I still think that's not appropriate. 

The final straw came today, I heard the doorbell and when it wasn't answered immediately, she used Sophie's key to open the door. I have had surgery recently and so am stuck at home and didn't feel that I could confront her with Sophie present. My partner and I had a massive row, he always responds that he wants to keep the peace, doesn't want to upset her but I think he could put it to her in a diplomatic but firm way.

Perhaps my heading should read that neither of them have any boundaries. I know there are worse problems but this is making me really resentful and starting to effect the relationship with my partner. He is terrified that if he rocks the boat she could make access difficult. For context his ex is a bit of a helpless type, has never had a job that could support her, overspends and is childlike. If he ever says anything vaguely critical she is more likely to get upset rather than angry but is then difficult about access and makes veiled threats to leave the area.

Should I just suck it up or is my anger justified? My partner thinks I'm making something out of nothing and that she just doesn't think. I think he is being naive!

 

[Ageless Wisdom23]

It is quite obvious this Ex----------Is being way overboard territorial.  She resents You and Him and your family life and thinks she can come and go and make decisions behind your back or even in front of You, And she don't care if you like it.  Your Partner should not enable it. And she can't just up and leave the state without his knowledge nor his permission,.  A judge would not tolerate it.  She is crossing your Privacy even and it is inappropriate and unacceptable.  Your partner is intimidated by her because she makes him feel like this with her Big Talk.  Something needs to be done or she will continue to rule the roost.  It is not fair to you.  If it Continues, It could put a monke🤥y wrench in your own home life and relationship. 

Edited July 4, 2023 by Ageless Wisdom23

[MsJayne]

Not acceptable, she’s not part of your family unit and has no right to come into your home and start rearranging furniture, or use your place as a convenient hangout, or pretend that you and she have a friendship, or, the biggie, enter your home without permission. That’s called trespassing. She may genuinely just want to maintain good relations for the sake of the child, but she’s way overstepping boundaries and your partner needs to grow a spine and word her up about appropriate behaviour. If he genuinely fears that she would make access difficult if he called out her rudeness, that’s emotional blackmail, and if he’s prepared to let her do that he’s just plain pathetic. As for the kid complaining to her mother about sleeping conditions at your house, why didn’t she tell her father instead? She sounds like a potential trouble maker, I’d be watching her. I’d also possibly put the bedroom back the way it was just to stick it up all of them 😊

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Debi67 said:

I've been living with my partner for four and a half years, he has a twelve year old daughter with his ex. 

Unfortunately your partner has no boundaries. Do you co-own co-lease or is it your or his place? Who pays the bills and how is that split? If your name is on the lease/deed, she is trespassing. 

Get a home video security system. Change the locks. Delete and block your partners ex from ALL your social media and messaging apps. Discontinue talking to her or acting like best friends. You're not.

Please stop overinvesting in the daughter. She is your partner and her mother's responsibility, not yours. You're not the live-in nanny.

Let your partner deal with her exclusively and stay out of it. Your partner is full of it because custody and visitation are court ordered and she can't alter that if he "rocks the boat".

They are walking all over you and three is a crowd. Only the daughter belongs in the house during his custody time, not his ex.

If it continues, start looking for your own place. The problem is your BF, not his ex. You will never have peace or a happy life with your BF allowing his ex to be part of your household.

Edited July 4, 2023 by Wiseman2

[basil67]

As your partner isn't listening to your (quite reasonable) concerns, addressing the problem is going to create big waves and possibly jeopardise your relationship.  I think you're going to have to decide if this is a hill to die on.  

Is there anything else going on which would help you decide if you should dig your heels in or let it go?

[glows]

You’ll both have to come to an agreement about what’s acceptable. 

In regards to the girl’s room, what was the extent to things moved? Was it a dresser and a drawer or a bed or all the above? Was there a reason why things were set up a certain way initially? I’d be inclined to think she has some say in how her daughter likes the room or feels comfortable. I don’t think this ought to be an issue. Step back on this one. You offered a room for the girl so let it sit at that decision. In the exact arrangements, let your husband handle it as it’s his daughter.

Who owns the house? 

Why does she have a key to your home? Who gave it to her? 

It does sound like she is trying to get along with you but is taking advantage of the situation and your husband not having enough boundaries.

Ask for the key back and be clear that you’re no longer comfortable with her having access to the home. The other issues are besides the point. Be polite around her and don’t pay much attention to the compliments if you find them strange. You can’t control what she thinks or says. You did pick this guy as a partner knowing he has a daughter and “helpless” type ex. That’s a lot of baggage right there that not many would tolerate. I wouldn’t try to change them. Just state what you will and will not agree to in regards to the keys and access to the home.

[JTSW]

I agree that she shouldn't be using her daughters key to let herself into your home.

She should not be hanging out there either.

As for communication regarding Sophie, there is nothing you can do about that because they have to to do that.

Talk with your partner again and tell him that if he doesn't speak with her about this then you will.

[Debi67]

Thanks for your responses, I'll try to answer all questions.

We co-lease and both names are on the contract, we split all rent and bills 50/50.
But he lived here first, before we met.

I'm in the UK and technically she can move to the other end if the country if she wishes without consent, I don't think this would happen because of the impact on schooling and their daughters well-being but the threat is used whenever he tries to make suggestions about how their daughter is raised or tries to enforce boundaries.

As for why their daughter didn't tell her father about her room, I don't know. She is an only child and very indulged at her mother's home, she is very much the baby, not expected to do any chores or tidy up after herself (at 12). That is different at our home where she is expected to do chores and is encouraged to help out which I'm sure she doesn't like. I'm really not sure if it really came from her though, the bedroom had been like that for a year. I did consider putting the bedroom back but it felt like a childish response. I agree that it is emotional blackmail and unfortunately their daughter is learning this behaviour and that this is how you go about getting your needs met.

And yes, the whole room was rearranged, not just one piece of furniture. Perhaps it was jealousy from the ex whose home, although perfectly liveable is always in chaos and a mess.

I am not in any contact on social media with his ex, we have as little contact as is possible except in passing. She has tried to arrange for us to go out as couples which I turned down politely thinking it would make this all even messier.

We haven't given the ex a key! Their daughter has a key for the occasional times she finishes school and gets home before her Dad is home from work, I have had trouble getting to the door because of knee surgery recently and usually I would also be at work.
I have keys for my sisters home and neighbours homes in case of an emergency but I wouldn't dream of using them in any other circumstance and I think most adults would think the same. She either doesn't understand the nuances of this or is choosing to act like she doesn't understand them.

I don't take any notice of the compliments, although have a laugh at them sometimes, they are so over the top, they are never said directly to me, my partner tells.me things she has said when he picks his daughter up. Sometimes it feels like the clumsy efforts of a child to make friends which is sort of sad.

I agree it's a lot of baggage and I was wary of getting involved in the beginning. Apart from this issue he is kind and supportive. Too kind maybe! He has been incredible during my rehabilitation after surgery, which has been long and painful. In fact now that I think of it this behaviour has stepped up a notch since then, perhaps there is a chink in our armour that she has spotted. We have both been under more pressure than usual due to work and health issues and this has allowed her to be more disruptive in our relationship.

I think generally I'm quite good with boundaries (it's a big part of my job) but it's establishing them through a third party which is difficult.

I also think that things are not so happy for her at home, possible problems in the relationship, just from buts and pieces their daughter has said in passing, things like exes husband is so busy at work he comes home, goes straight to the office and locks himself in there to work. He also seems to be away quite a lot at the moment.

Thank you all for taking time to respond to me and see that I'm not being unreasonable!
I'm going to sit down and talk about this with him calmly instead of rowing and work together a plan to tackle this. I'm not prepared to walk away from an otherwise good relationship.

[glows]

That’s good you’re willing to work through this considering the rest of the relationship is fine. He does need more boundaries with his ex wife and not dismiss your concerns or feelings in a conversation.

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Debi67 said:

.We co-lease and both names are on the contract, we split all rent and bills 50/50.

Renegotiate your costs. You shouldn't be paying 50% when he has a room for his child and her upkeep. Not to mention that you do not have peaceful enjoyment of the premises.

You are being walked all over. He already knows it upsets you from all the rows. You need leverage. Not more talking and pleading for reason. 

Tell him from now on you will be saving your money for your future. He will have to provide for all her costs including food and babysitting when he is not there.  Tell him you are going to reduce your portion of the rent and other bills to a more reasonable proportion.

 It's hard to believe you are paying to be treated like the household help who has no rights and no say in anything.. and allow these two and their child to treat you this way.

Edited July 4, 2023 by Wiseman2

[Debi67]

8 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Renegotiate your costs. You shouldn't be paying 50% when he has a room for his child and her upkeep. Not to mention that you do not have peaceful enjoyment of the premises.

You are being walked all over. He already knows it upsets you from all the rows. You need leverage. Not more talking and pleading for reason. 

Tell him from now on you will be saving your money for your future. He will have to provide for all her costs including food and babysitting when he is not there.  Tell him you are going to reduce your portion of the rent and other bills to a more reasonable proportion.

 It's hard to believe you are paying to be treated like the household help who has no rights and no say in anything.. and allow these two and their child to treat you this way.

Thanks Wiseman, I don't think I'm being taken advantage of, I earn more and he has more in savings than me thanks to an inheritance.  We recently spent a large portion of those savings on my surgery, I didn't have to ask, when we realised how long the wait would be through normal channels ( bearing in mind this is the UK and it is not so common to get private treatment). We discussed it was important for me to have the surgery and get back to work and normal life quickly. We have each other in our wills and named on survivors pensions, carefully worked out to be fair also to my children who are adults. think it's give and take and overall feels fair to me. 

[mark clemson]

14 hours ago, Debi67 said:

 She would also give really over the top compliments about me to my partner... She wanted to rearrange the room. Instead of saying he was going to discuss it with me, my partner set about rearranging the room with her.

She has started ringing him at short notice and saying she's in the area for school pick up and due to after school activities wants to hang around at our house (with us both there) for a couple of hours.  This from a woman who, six months ago, said she wouldn't meet him alone to discuss concerns about their daughter, saying she wouldn't feel safe (which is nonsense). He said she could without even discussing with me.

She is clearly being manipulative and this makes you uncomfortable. Point this out to your partner. Explain in no uncertain terms that you expect her to be kept at what is for you a safe distance.That means no inviting into the house, no excessive socializing etc. I think you should ask that contact be kept near the minimum necessary for co-parenting. She can (and should, actually) go find others to be friends with.

[Els]

Sounds more like it's your partner that has no boundaries....

[Debi67]

41 minutes ago, Els said:

Sounds more like it's your partner that has no boundaries....

Agreed!